keep -- >> steve: hey, jimmy, jimmy, jimmy. >> jimmy: yo. >> steve: you want some crack with that?- want nothing. [ laughter ] ♪ jimmy: thank you, da vinci's vetruvian man, for showing us what it would look like if jim morrison got naked and started making snow angels. [ laughter ] [ applause ] ♪ it is freezing out here it's cold way out here it's cold ♪ ♪ thank you, paper cutters, for basically being guillotines that we store in classrooms full of 6-year-olds. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: ow, my finga! ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, lent, for being god's juice cleanse. [ laughter ] take 40 days off. >> steve: yeah 40 days, just cool it. >> jimmy: just cool it -- just cool it for 40 days. >> steve: come on, dude, you can do it. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, laughing students on the cover of a a college brochure for basically saying, one of these people must apply to your race and gender. [ laughter and applause ] maybe that dude a little bit. >> steve: that's me man! ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, the westminster dog show, for letting me know where my bitch is at. [ cheers and applause ] there you

> jimmy: really?ockey stick? >> it's also quite small like it was made for me? >> jimmy: are you sure you never played hockey? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you did. you played hockey for four years. we have a trophy to show you. [ laughter ] no, i'm just kidding. i don't know if you ever did. this is me as your dad. yeah, i just got dressed up as your dad the other day. it was fun. [ laughter ] he's a much better looking guy, clearly. [ applause ] >> that's amazing. >> jimmy: so, your dad's don johnson, your mom's -- is it weird growing up with your parents being so successful and your grandma being in "the birds"? >> i mean, they were just normal parents to me. but i don't know, sometimes. i mean, i'm sure your kids will figure that out. >> jimmy: no, they'll be like, "that was good old dad. there he is." >> good old dad. >> jimmy: good old dad. yeah, yeah, being a fool. absolutely, yeah. [ laughter ] exactly. congrats on this movie. i got to say, i was watching the movie, and i've never seen you in any film b

jimmy baseball, they call him. >> steve: jimmy baseball. >> jimmy: yeah, he loves baseball.ning. >> steve: those are baseballs on his tie. >> jimmy: yup. see, there he is. he used to play little league and -- [ laughter ] >> steve: that's why they call him shortstop. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: yeah. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: good man. thank you, james. that sounds good. ♪ thank you, john travolta, for grabbing idina menzel's face at the oscars. or as she put it, "let it go, let it go." [ laughter and applause ] i didn't know she said that. i didn't know she said that. >> steve: i have nothing to say about that. >> jimmy: i don't know. ♪ thank you, anonymous thief who stole lupita nyong'o's $150,000 oscar dress, or as the rest of the world calls it, not the dress we care about right now. [ cheers and applause ] 150,000? i don't care. >> steve: i don't care. >> jimmy: i think it's blue and black. >> steve: designed by oyster de la renta. [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, alaska, for becoming the third state to legalize marijuana and giving a a whole new meaning to t

>> jimmy: no.espect. >> okay. [ laughter ] so you're sincere. >> jimmy: no, that was fake. but you go in there and people get chopped in half. and you well you'll see this film -- it's unbelievable. do you do your own stunts? is that you? >> i started off doing my own stunts in "bridget jones's diary" a a number of years ago. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i remember those scenes. very high action. >> it was. it was all my own work. [ laughter ] and clearly the director saw that and said i think we can harness some of that menace. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but you do -- but did your kids look at it -- >> i did it myself, yes. i did 6 months training. and guys in the backyard and where ever. >> jimmy: did your kids look at you and just kept thinking like, "like oh, my god, my dad's the coolest guy in the world. he's an action star, he kicks butt, he chops people in half" -- >> you're never going to get those words out of my children. [ laughter ] i hope privately, i've gone up some what in their esteem, becaus

>> jimmy: hey, dad. it's jimmy. >> honey, who is it? >> jimmy. >> what? >> huh? >> what? >> huh?huh? >> what? >> hand me the phone. >> jimmy: you know what? i have to go actually. >> pick up the one upstairs. >> jimmy: mom? >> just hand me the phone. >> jimmy: dad? >> i'm using it. >> jimmy: mom. >> give me the phone, now. >> jimmy: mom? dad? dad. >> huh? >> jimmy: mom. >> what? >> huh? >> jimmy: dad. >> huh? >> what? [ dial tone ] >> jimmy: all right, i tried. [ applause ] "stop doing that. we don't talk like that." [ laughter ] all right. i won't do it anymore. "what?" [ laughter ] >> steve: huh? >> jimmy: the phone's still on. >> steve: oh, you're phone's still on. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, hang up, sorry. >> steve: huh? >> jimmy: there were a lot of oscars given out last night. but people may not know this. there were also a lot of other awards that they gave out after the ceremony ended. let me show you a few. michael keaton did not win best actor but he did win the award for "outstanding performance in going through ten packs of juicy fruit." [ applause ] chewing it up. here's

] >> jimmy: so close. >> so close. >> jimmy: so close. >> so very close. >> jimmy: so close, almost -laughter and applause ] if you can spell the word fund, you're probably not funding anything. >> jimmy: yeah, they left off the "d." >> they left off the "d." >> jimmy: congratulations, and i just heard the great news, just came out, breaking news, hbo picked you up for another two seasons. >> they did. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: so happy for you, man. we're going to be neighbors for a while, hopefully. >> yes. >> jimmy: hopefully. hopefully. we have jobs. >> we have jobs. we're not fired. >> jimmy: we're not fired. >> we're not fired. yeah. that's the problem, i'm too british to kind of take any good news like that. >> jimmy: are you currently one? [ laughter ] >> still -- still -- i'm still from england, yes. >> jimmy: i have to ask because it's out there as well, "the daily show", jon stewart just announced that he's stepping down. >> i know. i know, amazing. >> jimmy: then i go, "well, i don't know, who could replace him?" do you have any -- >> well, i don't know, i owe th

s [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show.hank you for coming. thank you for watching. i say we have a good show in store for you almost every night. and that usually turns out to be a lie. but tonight this show is going to be a great one. from "scandal," olivia pope herself, kerry washington is here. there's a return of tgit tonight early over abc, new episodes of "grey's anatomy," "scandal," "how to get away with murder." this truly is the golden age of people having sex on television. kerry will be here, as is ne-yo, and dave salmoni is here with a tiger cub, a red-tailed boa constrictor, and a cheetah. now i'm told this is the first time a cheetah has ever appeared on a talk show without a cage and the reason why is they're too fast and too dangerous to be around a group of people. don't worry, it can only kill one person at a time. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it hasn't started, guillermo. planning to watch the game on sunday, if you're an american, you should. you should know volvo is giving away new ca

>> jimmy: why do i like jimmy? grateful aren't we that we get to play every single day. which is the best job in the world. but it's really turned into -- because i give so much stuff away on the show and i dance now. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we don't do that -- we don't do that type of -- >> i know. >> jimmy: we don't do that type of shenanigans on our show. >> i know. i know. but my show because, you know, i started as stand up. but it's become like 80 percent free stuff and 20 percent dancing. i don't even do comedy. [ laughter ] if i do vegas, that's the name of the show. it's free stuff and dancing. people line up. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly yeah. >> but, so yeah, people like that. i find that people love to get stuff. i'm not going to do -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we don't have anything. we don't have anything! i didn't bring anything. >> no, you don't have anything because you don't give stuff away. but people expect it from me wherever i go. [ cheers and applause ] first of all, wait a minut

>> jimmy: "true" by spandau ballet. >> bold choice. >> jimmy: it's a bold choice. >> yeah. >> jimmy:remember it. [ laughter ] ♪ so true funny how it seems always the time but never in line for dreams ♪ ♪ head over heels and toe to toe this is the sound of my soul this is the sound ♪ ♪ i bought a ticket to the world but now i've come back again why do i find it ♪ ♪ hard to write the next line oh, i want the truth to be said ♪ ♪ ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah i know this much is true ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah i know this much is true ♪ >> jimmy: my thanks to andrew rannells. watch "girls," 9:00 p.m. sundays on hbo. lupe fiasco performs after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ only sears brings you more selection with all top ten appliance brands. ♪ like kenmore, the most awarded brand in the industry. and when life happens, more peace of mind with service that's number one nationwide. that's more performance, from the #1 appliance store. start your search at sears. that lets your face at be your password.technology whoa! that is one secure password. intel. this is where

>> jimmy: kind of. yeah. >> or you get one shot, per --? >> jimmy: one shot.us. >> jimmy: throw it however you'd like to throw it. [ audience oohs ] >> josh: you saw what happened there, right? >> jimmy: i know you like twizzlers. [ cheers ] [ audience oohs ] >> josh: that's a smart move though. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: j.d.! j.d., come on in, buddy. all right, buddy, we can do it. etch-a-sketch, you know what to do, man. >> josh: yeah, yeah. i'll do that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come on, buddy. you can do it. >> josh: i can't go underhand -- >> jimmy: yeah, you can go under -- well -- you can do whatever you'd like. [ audience oohs ] >> it's okay. now, do we do the -- is this a a whole thing or just -- >> jimmy: ringer. the whole thing. you can call in the ringer if you want to. >> the ringer! >> jimmy: all right, calling in the ringer for this. j.d.! ♪ >> yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm so mad. oh, my god. [ cheers ] >> it's okay. it's okay. >> jimmy: all right. don't miss. [ audience oohs ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> okay.

. >> jimmy: yeah. @shelbydelaine. she says, "a woman at my work thought fyi in an e-mail stood for f you, idiot." [ laughter ] "fyi, bryant. [ laughter ] why did my boss said that to me? >> steve: yeah, my boss is evil. >> jimmy: yeah, filthy. this one's from @jverlee2. he says, "i meant to write an e-mail saying, 'hey, jim, i'm afraid i can't come.' but i hit send after writing, 'hey, jim, i'm afraid.'" hold me, jim. [ laughter ] >> steve: fyi. >> jimmy: fyi. [ laughter ] i'm afraid. this one's from @darrenrhojel. he says, "my professor accidentally opened up a spam e-mail on the big screen during a lecture that read 'japanese women want you.'" [ laughter ] that's unfortunate, man. this one's from @drewrutherford. he says, "boss sent me text saying, 'check your e-mail.' e-mail said, 'call me.'" [ laughter ] >> steve: fyi. >> jimmy: that's just mean. that's just -- fyi to that one, man. that's just cruel. come on, dude. >> steve: it's a message on the machine. >> jimmy: yeah. check your texts. [ laught

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, thank you for watching, thank you for coming. well, did are did you know that today is national weather persons day? [ cheers and applause ] no you didn't. even weather persons don't know that it's national weather persons day. this is the day on which we pay tribute to the men and women who bravely stand out in the middle of the fiercest, most brutal winter storms, risking their lives, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. and on our national weather persons day, everything i will say in the monologue tonight will be half wrong. i want to wish berth day wishes to sekari momoi, also known as the world's oldest man, turned 112 years old today. these lived in tokyo, japan. there he is. having a hell of a time. he was born in 1903. this guy, he's seen the rise of the automobile, the television, computers, justin bieber, you name it, he's seen it. now he is the oldest man in the world. which by the way is not a great title to lose. because it'

>> jimmy: am i watching? i'm living "the bachelor." >> jimmy. jim. >> jimmy: yeah.e prince farming? [ laughter ] >> is that his name? >> jimmy: that's what we call him. >> prince farming is hysterical. no, i thought his name was jeff. or something. >> jimmy: no, it's chris. jeff? we could never have a bachelor named jeff, don't be ridiculous. >> it's always some dumb name. [ laughter ] but i saw him, and i've only seen one, because i tivoed it. that shows that i'm old. i tivo'd it. i've still got the first season of "mad men" on there, i'm going to watch that. but i saw it and i -- the biggest thing i thought was funny was there's a pool party. it's probably the first one, episode. this is a monologue for "the bachelor." it's 30 chicks. super horny. in bikinis. they're so thirsty for fame. whatever it is. anyway. they're drenched. it's so exciting. honestly. it is like splash mountain down there. [ laughter ] and this guy is the biggest cornball. and he couldn't be in heaven. then he sits, a dope, handstand! they're like, ha ha ha! [ laughter ] anything he does, the

>> jimmy: what?at however many lines inside a tree stump, that's how old a tree is. >> i can't wait to get my costume, it has a helmet, it has a tail -- >> jimmy: what does that have to do with "the giving tree" book? your costume if? >> there's nothing in "the giving tree" for real life. >> jimmy: is there a giving tree in star wars? >> no. >> jimmy: i don't think there is -- >> how can there be a giving tree in star wars? >> jimmy: i don't know, you're the one that brought up -- >> people actually have another new star wars. >> jimmy: so what i think we're trying to say here is you really have no interest at all in this book, right? >> i do. >> jimmy: you do? do you like the little boy from this boy? >> yes. >> jimmy: you do? he seemed kind of selfish to me. >> yeah. he did, kind of. >> jimmy: yeah. >> when you grow up -- >> jimmy: he was nice when he was young. but then he just started taking and taking and taking until he essentially killed his best friend. >> i think i know how the tree felt. th

i'm like, "jimmy, jimmy, jimmy."ot maya who was standing next to you. i handed her the drink saying, "give it to him." but she didn't really know what was happening. so she took the drink and put it on the piano, at which point i realized i gave her my drink. [ laughter ] and i was like, oh no, this is a complete and utter disaster because i'm looking at my drink on the piano. >> jimmy: and you're wanting that one, yeah. >> that was bad. >> jimmy: you should have just got on stage. >> i almost did to get the drink. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it was because of you the b-52s came on, right? >> that's right. yes. i saw fred and kate. i'm a big b-52s fan. >> jimmy: me too. >> and i saw them in a huddle at one point, and i'm like you guys have too to go up. and they're like i would love to do "love shack." and i said, "let's make" -- that's when i grabbed nancy for the first time. and i said, "we need to impact this to happen." so we brought them up there and got your attention. >> jimmy: that's why they came up. >> that was

. >> jimmy: no.now what's trending and what's not trending. >> steve: yeah, that's not trending. >> jimmy: this made me laugh. i don't know if you saw this video, you guys. this is a true story. this is a real video, a home video. apparently, this woman adopted a cockatoo. you know the bird? and i guess it used to live with couples who were going through a divorce. because the bird keeps mimicking fights from its previous -- its previous owners. you can't really understand what the bird's saying, bird talk. but still, it's definitely -- tell me if it doesn't sound like a couple arguing. watch this. [ bird squawking ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: isn't that great? [ cheers and applause ] polly wants a lawyer, yeah. [ laughter ] i don't know if you heard about this. there's a new app that lets people book a hotel room for just a few hours. the time between check-out and check-in, called hotels by day. it's better than its old name, for hookers by hookers. [ laughter ] that name is too on the nose. finally, i

. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy. wow, there's so much to talk about tonight. the oscars, "the bachelor," kobe bryant is here, chrissy teigen is here, kenny g and warren g are here together. guillermo was on the red carpet last night, who did you to do? >> guillermo: a scarlet johanson. >> our friends at aflac have a way of doing things called one-day pay that gets your claim approved and paid in a day. they escalate payment and they're also accelerating our commercial breaks tonight. they're making the commercials very, very short. so we have enough time to fit everything in. very short like this door. after you. >> guillermo: thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: there you go, guillermo. and i will just -- close that and let's start the show. >> guillermo: jimmy, open it up! i'm stuck! jimmy! >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, from the los angeles lakers, kobe bryant. super model chrissy teigen. and "mash-up monday" with kenny and warren g. with cleto and the cletones. and now, hold back, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy:

this is my -- >> jimmy: final offer. >> no. yes. >> jimmy: what? offer. >> no. >> jimmy: the butt.d it. he had it. >> jimmy: the rear. the -- happiness. you can't guess. >> keep going. >> jimmy: this is the -- >> no go back to -- >> jimmy: rhymes. [ buzzer ] [ sad tuba ] [ screams and applause ] >> yes! >> bottom line! >> i'm so mad. i'm so mad. >> steve: we won two ways. >> we got it. >> jimmy: they're so happy. they won. oh, my gosh. props to anthony mackie and steve higgins. [ cheers and applause ] my thanks to jennifer lopez. more "tonight show" after the break. bottom line, of course. ♪ introducing the new degree dry spray 48 hour superior antiperspirant protection that now goes on instantly dry for a cleaner feel. does your antiperspirant feel dry and clean like this? so you can do this. ♪ new degree dry spray, goes on instantly dry for a cleaner feel. ♪ ♪ ♪ when laquinta.com sends him a ready for you alert the second his room is ready, ya know what salesman alan ames becomes? i think the numbers speak for themselves. i'm sold! a "selling machine!" ready for you alert, only a

, jimmy, i learned my lesson. >> jimmy: yeah, okay. >> to keep my mouth shut. >> jimmy: all right, all, all right. >> i've got some hogs to feed, i will see you later. >> jimmy: you go feed the hogs. chris the bachelor, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] so there's only three ladies left. bekaa, whitney, and caitlin. one of them will never be heard from again. i guess. "50 shades of grey." how many of you saw this movie? set a record at the box office, $94 million, which is the biggest opening ever for the month of february. i wonder how many people went to see that movie alone? think about it. i cannot imagine any sentence more depressing than "one ticket for 50 shades, please." [ laughter ] but they expected -- projected it would make around $60 million. it went way over that. and i'll tell you something. if these people who lined up to see this movie ever find out about internet porn, they're going to go nuts. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you hear a lot about "50 shades of grey," the book, the movie. it's a phenomenon, there's no two ways about it. i thought it mig

>> jimmy: boy has really hit hard times. >> this is jimmy. there. >> jimmy: how are you, why. guillermo, will you run and grab him a sandwich? >> guillermo: yeah, sure. peanut butter is good? >> jimmy: still like the peanut butter and cheetos? >> he's cutting back on carbs so no cheetos. >> jimmy: if you're just tuning in, we have not gone insane. there is an imaginary boy. we have gone insane. we'll take a break. you guys can catch up. we'll be right back. channing tatum is here! we'll be right back. channing tatum is here! [ cheers and applause ] would you be willing to give up sharing your moments? sacrifice streaming all night long? is it okay to drop a connection, when you need it most? if you're not on the largest, most reliable network, what are you giving up? verizon. the adventures you've been imagining. the heroes you've been admiring. the worlds you've been dreaming of. ♪ the thrills you've been craving. the moments you've been missing. the vacation you've been looking for is here. come and take it. universal orlando resort. experi

and right over there is our newest friend, jimmy fallon. [ cheers and applause ] hey, jimmy. >> jimmyow's it going? >> oh, you know, typical day. i woke up in the morning. the alarm gave out a warning. i didn't think i'd ever make it on time. [ laughter ] by the time i grabbed my books and i gave myself a look, i was at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by. >> jimmy: it's all right. [ cheers and applause ] >> what's up, preppies? [ laughter ] >> well, slater, for your information, i was just about to ask jimmy here about the big valentine's day dance. >> aw, you guys are going together? that's so cute. [ laughter ] >> ha, ha, very funny. >> jimmy: who are you taking to the dance, slater? >> well, as a matter of fact, she's right up there. [ cheers and applause ] >> hi, jimmy. hi, zack. hey, bubba. you getting ready for the big dance? >> ready? are you kidding me, mama? i was born ready. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> wow, slater. with those moves you could be a a contestant on "dancing with the dweebs." [ laughter ] >> yeah, laugh all you want, preppie,

i fell on my friend. >> jimmy: no stitches? >> no, no, no. >> jimmy: okay, all right.here tonight. >> i know, i did. i cooked but we're all on this health kick right now. >> jimmy: oh. >> my super bowl party was like -- gluten free. >> jimmy: oh, no. that's not a super bowl party. >> vegetables. squash. >> jimmy: half those people ordered pizza on the way home, right? >> no, we're all on a diet from new year's. >> jimmy: squash? at the super bowl? >> we barbecued. we had meat stuff. >> jimmy: that's okay. >> the sides were no carbs. >> jimmy: no, yeah. we went crazy, it was ridiculous. mac and cheese, hamburgers. chicken chili and chicken wings. >> okay. >> jimmy: and a lot of other things. >> yeah. no, we didn't do that. you would have had fun at my party. >> jimmy: yeah. >> your friends would be like, i hate her. >> jimmy: yeah, that's not the kind of party for my friends. you know, i'm from las vegas so i don't root for either team in particular. no offense to the gronk -- oh, they're gone. >> yeah. >> jimmy: tell me about this documentary series. >> oh, yeah. well,

>> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] not as much fun. not as much fun as you think. >> steve: no, not fun at all. >> jimmy: that's tricky. that's a tricky place. then, of course, we went to the doowylloh sign directly behind the hollywood sign. it's cheaper. it's half the price. [ laughter ] half the price of the hollywood sign. >> steve: is it really? >> jimmy: the doowylloh sign, yeah. pretty interesting. a lot of history there. and finally, we went to measles land today. it was pretty fun. [ cheers and applause ] went over there and had a great time. it was really fun. we had a blast. >> steve: loved it. >> jimmy: mad cows come over and lick you. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, it was really fun. [ laughter ] >> steve: it's going to go viral. >> jimmy: must be mad, yeah. "you want to lay down with me?" no, i don't want to -- what? [ laughter ] i guess a lot of controversy -- [ laughter ] we air in the u.k. as well. so, a lot of controversy out here with the recent measles outbreak because a lot of p

here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. hello, i'm jimmy, i'm the host.hank you for coming. i'm glad you're here. because a big day for catholics today. it's ash wednesday. thank you for not big giving me for lent. guillermo, you're catholic, are you giving up anything for for lent? >> guillermo: not this year. >> jimmy: not this year? did you go to church today? >> guillermo: no, jimmy. >> jimmy: you're in a lot of trouble with the lord, i'm telling you right now. anybody watch the westminster dog show? [ cheers and applause ] 39th annual westminster kennel club dog show. there were nearly 3,000 competitors from 192 different breeds evaluated in seven different categories. the most complicated way to find out who's a good boy you can possibly imagine. this westminster dog show that is everything. it combines the excitement of watching people walking dogs with the thrill of watching dogs standing perfectly still. the big winner, best in show as they say, once again this year, went to a dog. >> my choice for the best in show is the beagle. >> the beagle! u

oh. >> jimmy: the show "girls." >> "girls." >> jimmy: look at that guy. >> hbo. >> jimmy: do you knowt show, katy? >> i'm trying to -- yes, it's coming in but it's coming slowly. hbo. there's a blank, i'm sorry. >> jimmy: okay, that's all right. well, wee would have accepted hannah, jess, shauna, marney. >> oh, no. >> jimmy: but we have plenty more questions. next is for jared. jared, who is this actor? >> oh, she's a cowboy. she's in -- [ laughter ] >> he's in "true grit." >> jimmy: yeah, wow. >> that old guy that made a new album. >> jimmy: not old anymore. >> jeff bridges? no, no, no -- john wayne. john wayne. >> jimmy: john wayne. that is absolutely right, yes. katy, who is this rapper? >> oh, my. jumping john or something? i don't know. >> jimmy: what did you say? >> i said jumping john. >> jimmy: well, that is little wayne. lil wayne, yes. next question, jared, what is a telegram? >> oh. can i have a clue? >> jimmy: no, you cannot. >> it's an old tv? >> jimmy: it is not an old tv. katy, the question goes to you, what is a telegram? >> a telegram is a wire that is sent from one -

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: thank you, hi, everybody. a spirit of harmony tonight, and i wondered if it has anything to do with the big news from apple? did you hear about this? you know what imoges are, the little sad faces and it will event lay replace all language as we know it. for some reason, until now, the only people emoenlys you could get on your phone were white people imoges. you could send a little cartoon, but you could not send a people of color. there were 14 different imoges of train. no black people until yesterday. apple announced that at long last they're putting out what they call diverse imoge, which means we've finally achieved imoge equality here in the united states. put them up on the big screen. you can see these emoenlys represent, we do not make these up. these are real, by the way. we have black guy, slightly less black guy. white guy, whiter guy. i don't know who this guy is to be honest with you, and pac man colored guy. so there you go. racism is officially over. congratulations, we did it! [cheers and app

. >> jimmy: i love it.n. thank you for being here, my man. i like this. i like this a lot. >> job face. that's that job face. >> jimmy: now, what job is this? >> "hateful eight." >> jimmy: oh, quentin tarantino? >> hanging out with quentin, yeah, man. >> jimmy: i mean, this is the one. "hateful eight," this is the one that was rumored not to be -- >> yeah, that he wasn't going to make because they leaked the script online. then, we did this big reading in l.a. and everybody was like, "oh, man, come on. you got to make this movie." >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. then, he -- he was standing there and listening to the love from the crowd when they were watching us just read it. and it was kind of like, okay. we got to do it. >> jimmy: yeah, i got to do this for the people. >> we're in telluride making it, but it's not snowing. we need this weather in telluride. >> jimmy: it's not snowing there? >> it snowed like two days and it's supposed to be like, you know, a western and a blizzard. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, no. you

>> thank you, jimmy.l, i'm here in the backlot of universal studios, and as you can see, it's pretty quiet. but in a few hours -- >> jimmy: oh, no. oh, no. that's terrible. pat, are you okay, buddy? >> what the heck? that guy came out of nowhere. >> jimmy: yeah, he did. >> sorry, jimmy. anyway, as i was saying, the universal backlot's going to be bu -- [ anvil crashing ] >> jimmy: an anvil fell. >> steve: an anvil! someone threw an anvil at him. >> jimmy: pat, are you still there? patrick? [ cheers and applause ] oh, my. you don't want to see that. you just don't -- you don't like to see that. stay in the tram if you do the universal tour. stay inside -- >> steve: what kind of dog was that? >> jimmy: what kind of dog? i think it was a wiener dog. [ laughter ] i hope he's okay. i hope he's all right. here's some political news, guys. i read that seven prominent republicans will attend the first ever iowa agriculture summit, where they will discuss farming issues. chris christie might not go because the las

>> jimmy: okay. right. let's get to work. i'm trying to write a joke about facebook and how obsessed everybody is with facebook. >> oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. one facebook joke coming right up. >> jimmy: great. >> okay. yeah, yeah. oh, yeah. okay, we got it. >> jimmy: you done? >> me got it. >> jimmy: all righty. >> yep. >> jimmy: okay, let me hear it. >> okay. ahem. knock knock. >> jimmy: who's there? >> facebook. >> jimmy: facebook who? >> cookie! ha ha ha! >> jimmy: okay. it's a little bit weird to laugh at your own joke after you pitch it. >> yeah, okay. >> jimmy: let's go to a different topic, maybe. electric cars. >> oh, topical. >> jimmy: take your time. >> cookie got it. >> jimmy: you're done with the joke? >> right here, it's gold. >> jimmy: all right. go ahead, read it. >> knock knock. >> jimmy: knock -- who's there? >> electric car. >> jimmy: electric car who? >> cookie! ha ha ha ha! >> jimmy: can i just make a suggestion? maybe i won't give you a topic. write a joke that you like. >> you like

>> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! how are you? nice to see you. oh, looking good. hot crowd tonight! hot crowd! welcome to "the tonight show," everybody. that's what i'm talking about. you guys, this is the hot show. this is the show to be at. this is the one. [ cheers and applause ] thank you all for being here. thank you all for being here. guys, here's what people are talking about. well, vice president joe biden fueled more speculation about his possible 2016 presidential campaign by giving a speech in iowa yesterday. and you know how he's always joking around. yesterday biden said that he was elected to the senate 129 years ago. [ laughter ] then he said, "but i think we can all agree that it's felt much longer." [ laughter ] [ applause ] he wasn't joking there. but during the speech biden actually gave a big shout out to one of his good old friends. check out this video here. >> and neil smith, an old butt buddy. are you here, neil? neil, i miss you, man. i miss you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what'd he say? can we

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, guys. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. you for watching. thank you for coming. i hope all of you had a fun weekend. you know, i had a good -- a very romantic valentine's day, actually. just me and my wife and an all-new "48 hours mystery." that was beautiful. it was a big weekend for love in general this weekend. with not one, not two, but three episodes of "the bachelor" over two nights here at abc. [ cheers and applause ] between that show and "50 shades of grey" there's never been a better time to be a horny house wife. last night we had the "bachelor tells all" special ask i don't feel like he told all. i feel he told some. there were two rose ceremonies. brit, carly, megan, and jade home. which is everyone, right? what if he sent everyone home? just chris walking around by himself. last night chris and his lady visited his hometown of arlington, iowa. this is where he lives when he's not bacheloring. one of them got a personal tour. here's how that went. >> there's really nothing here. except for a bank. this is where

up next is jimmy fallon. good night. >> bye-bye. >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- martin short, ruth wilson, musical guest, walk the moon, and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 214 dallas. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! how are you guys? thank you! welcome. welcome. welcome. thank you. thank you, thank you, thank you. thank you, thank you. thank you, thank you. thank you, thank you. welcome. welcome. welcome to "the tonight show," ladies and gentlemen. you're here. [ cheers and applause ] a big show tonight. hot, hot crowd, yeah. welcome. we're going to have fun tonight. thanks for coming. thanks for watching. here's what people are talking about. jeb bush had a big speech on national security yesterday. and he had a pretty rough time. yeah, he accidentally said that isis has 200,000 men instead of 20 thousand

[ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy, i did it. i did it, jimmy. jimmy?pplause ] >> jimmy? >> jimmy: it's our tenth annual "after the oscars" show. we'll be right back. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] i love thit's siracha.i burger. sluracha? no. si-rah-chah. siriracha. no. watch how i say it. si-rah-cha. that's not helping. bam! that's jack's new spicy sriracha burger comin' in all hot and melty with jalapeños and bacon! but the best part? it's not just sriracha sauce, it's creamy sri-rah... slur-rah cha... whatever it's called, it's awesome sauce. i moved our old security whsystem out here? to see if it could monitor the front yard. why don't you switch to xfinity home? i get live video monitoring and 24/7 professional monitoring that i can arm and disarm from anywhere. hear ye! the awkward teenage one has arrived!!!! don't be old fashioned. xfinity customers add xfinity home for $29.95 a month for 12 months. plus for a limited time, get a free security camera call 1800 xfinity or visit comcast.com/xfinityhome. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i'd like to thank john

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: ruth. >> hello. >> jimmy: thank you for coming on the show. win. because you acted with an american accent. >> i did try, yeah. >> jimmy: no, you do a great job. clearly, because you won the golden globe. >> i know. well, i don't know if that made me win a golden globe. >> jimmy: yeah, look. you won the golden globe there. i was watching. i saw you. you got up and you go, [ in english accent ] "thank you everyone for this." and i go, "wait. are you putting -- are you doing a bit?" [ laughter ] i didn't know. that was a bad english accent. >> it's all right. >> jimmy: it's all right. >> it can do a bit of work. it's good enough. >> jimmy: you grew up in where? >> i grew up in shepperton, in london, which is -- actually there's a studio there, a film studio. >> jimmy: oh, is that right? >> yeah. they did "harry potter" and they did "star wars." >> jimmy: so does everyone in town want to be an actor and an actress? >> no, not really. we did go and try and -- me and my brother, i've got a brother here, actually. he's in the audience. but we went a

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. thanks for coming.hanks for watching. it's very nice. i appreciate it. i'm glad you made it tonight because one of our guests tonight did not make it. viola davis, she was supposed to get on a flight home from ohio, but she got stuck there because of the weather. turns out mother nature is the only woman more powerful than shonda rhymes. so viola will join us via web chat tonight to discuss the big season finale of "how to get away with murder." turns out they got away with it. then oscar winner common will be here. from "game of thrones." "cinderella." richard madden is with us. we've got music from liv warfield is here. but i think you'll like that. [ cheers and applause ] all of that, no disrespect to anyone, but all of that pales in comparison to what happened just north of phoenix today in sun city, arizona, llamas on the loose. did you see this? two llamas that belonged to a mobile petting zoo, they were part of a demonstration at a care center for the elderly. and then they decided they didn't wa