and now, all of a sudden, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i'm jimmy.'m the host. thanks to all of you for coming. very nice. by the way, i know a lot of you watch this show for our str astronomy segment so sunday try to look up from your phones because there's going to be a total lunar eclipse and a super moon, both of them at once. that has not happened since 1982, it won't happen again until 2033, which happens be the year when snooki is expected to be seeking the republican nomination for president. this super moon is extra super, it's a blood moon, when a lunar ecrips and super moon occur at the same time and cause a total eclipse of the heart. i could be confused. seems we've had a lot of super moons lately. i'm waiting for super moon verses batmoon to come out. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: did you remember to tgit tonight any hoe heap you did. tonight is the rush of "grey's anatomy," "scandal," and "how to get away with murder" to abc. [ cheers and applause ] who runs all of those shows, the great and powerful shonda rhymes is h

>> jimmy: smellfie. >> that's close to snelfie. >> jimmy: it's close. and you could have a case in court. >> smelfie. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: smelfie -- >> i should have copywritten that sooner than i thought. >> jimmy: it's a selfie of something you can smell like a a flower. no. >> a smellfie. >> jimmy: a selfie of someone's nose? >> oh! i think you're so spot-on with that. >> jimmy: right? a selfie of someone's nose is a a smellfie. >> or maybe like a selfie of food? i don't know. i'm not sure. >> jimmy: smellfie. all right, here we go. anyone? >> anybody? >> jimmy: know what a smellfie is? great, here we go. [ laughter ] >> not all at once, please. my god. >> jimmy: to discreetly sniff one's underarms for stank before venturing out into public areas. [ laughter ] that's a lot of scent. [ applause ] >> i just started using organic deodorant, so i've been doing that as of lately. >> jimmy: oh, really? [ light laughter ] and does it work? >> it does. i like it. >> jimmy: you smell great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: but i wouldn't say, yeah i don't know if i

>> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no? >> no. >> jimmy: no? >> no. >> jimmy: no? that's it. you just watch. "just eating my wings. leave me along." what's your favorite team? what do you watch? >> the giants. >> jimmy: the giants. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tough one. okay. very good. guys, we have my pal tony here. okay. he loves to eat wings, hot wings, to be specific, while watching the new york giants. while he's watching a football game. and does he have any superstitions? nah. [ laughter ] nah. for the last one -- you're looking at me a little weird. since we're talking about football, roots, can you do sort of a jock jam sort of thing? like a good sports arena -- yeah, yeah yeah. tony came to our show he said his favorite thing to watch football games and eat wings in buffalo i also heard him say that when the giants get ready to play there's no superstitions just plasma and a plate chicken wings on the big game day clap your hands now yeah yeah [ cheers and applause ] >> tariq: get over here. get outta here. >> jimmy: tony! [ cheers and applause ] thank you, e

"jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, kerry washington, from "scream queens," lea michele, celebrities read mean tweets live, and music from travis scott, with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. very nice. this is an historic day for the united states of america. pope francis visited our country for the first time ever today. the pope is here until saturday. he's visiting washington, d.c., new york, and pennsylvania. not even going to bother coming to l.a. he said it's a lost cause, no point. while pope francis is here he will address a joint session of congress, and then i think he's doing snoop dogg's youtube show. this is the plane the pope flew in on. first up was cuba. he came straight here from havana and had a little bit of trouble at customs. they stopped him and went through his stuff. >> what is this, sir? >> jimmy: you can't bring more than $100 worth of cigars into the country. i don't care

>> jimmy: tall. >> steve: right. >> jimmy: brown hair. >> steve: sure. >> jimmy: his face looks like, know, a lighthouse, with like rocks. [ laughter ] >> steve: like, ocean-y? >> jimmy: an ocean. >> steve: ocean-y? ocean-y lighthouse. >> jimmy: did you see the super moon last night? >> steve: i tried -- i saw. >> jimmy: super moon! [ cheers and applause ] oh! >> steve: i saw super clouds. >> jimmy: you saw super -- >> steve: i saw super clouds. >> jimmy: oh, man. i saw the super moon. did you see it? >> steve: little bit, yeah. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. i saw it. i saw super moon. >> steve: where were you? >> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: out in the country? >> jimmy: no, i stayed here in the office. i was on the roof of nbc, at the observatory looking at it. yeah, no, it was the most amazing thing in the whole wide world. i have never seen anything like it. if you had to be the moon, last night was the night to be the moon. >> steve: yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: to be super moon. >> steve: you don't wanna be regular moon. >> jimmy: it was so bright and it almost looked fake. it w

> jimmy: show.eah, no, yeah. >> you covered the boob. >> jimmy: no, i didn't cover the boob at all. >> you did a little bit. >> jimmy: no i did not. >> you did a little bit. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it is a great -- a a great cover. >> thank you. >> jimmy: it's 31 ways -- life-changing secrets. >> yes. >> jimmy: yeah. >> skin secrets. >> jimmy: this is what -- no, this is too much work. >> it's a lot of work. >> jimmy: "shape" magazine. >> oh, my god. >> jimmy: that means you have to be in shape to be on it. >> no, no, seriously. >> jimmy: i'll never be on "shape" magazine. i'm on the size of a billboard magazine. my head is the size of a a billboard. giant face. >> amazing jacket. >> jimmy: big face magazine, yeah. >> luckily they told me this, i was going to be on the cover like a year ago. so, i had a lot of time to prepare. >> jimmy: oh, no. you always look good. >> months and months and months. this was not easy. nothing gets you more in shape than being on the cover of "shape." >> jimmy: "shape.

>> good, hey jimmy, good to see you. >> jimmy: i'm your new partner. >> all right. >> jimmy: let's do this. >> you ready? >> jimmy: i'm ready. >> in the california utilities department there are two kinds of customers -- the water users and the water abusers. these are their stories. >> you practice water conservation? >> jimmy: i do. i am a little obsessed with it. >> that's good. >> jimmy: i'm worried we're going to run out and i really love having water. >> yes, we need it. >> jimmy: i don't want to be part of the problem. i want to be part of the solution. >> sure. >> jimmy: even if we have to resort to violent measures today. >> i don't think we're at that point for violent measures. but, you know -- >> jimmy: we have different >> yes, exactly. >> jimmy: i don't know if you can tell but out of respect for you i haven't bathed in more than three days. >> no, i hadn't -- hadn't noticed yet. >> jimmy: or flushed for that matter. oh, you're the old brown, flush it down. yellow, let it mellow? >> jimmy: no i'm the old, just can we pull over here? >> sure. >> jimmy: i see something up

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show.hank you for watching at home. audience, thank you all for coming. i don't know what i've done to deserve this. well. it's very good to see you too. i appreciate it. we have a lot to get to tonight starting with there was another big announcement from apple today. at 1:00 eastern standard time, apple announced a number of exciting new products for you to lose in a cab on the way to the airport. tell you something, these announcements, these apple announceme announcements, are always interesting to watch primarily because the apple marketing people are so easily amazed. >> your photos will look amazing on it. it's an amazing experience. this is an amazing display. inside it something even more amazing. we get an amazing display. you can see they're amazingly thin. it's amazing. amazing works of art. amazing innovation. keyboards can do many things like being an amazing musical instrument. this apple pencil is absolutely amusing. an application that's pretty amazing. can also take amazin

>> jimmy: i like her.have great music from fetty wap, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: oh! >> jimmy: here's fetty wap. guys, we're in week two of the nfl season. and sunday night's big match-up is between the seattle seahawks and the green bay packers. [ scattered cheers ] yeah. now, as you know, at the end of every season, they give out awards like "most valuable player." but they also give out awards at the beginning of the season, sort of like the ones in high school year books, like "most likely to succeed," "class clown," stuff like that. so with that in mind, it's time for "tonight show" superlatives. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ tonight show superlatives ♪ >> jimmy: our first player is josh sitton. he's a guard for the green bay packers. he was voted "most likely to be the old photo santa used for his tinder account." [ laughter ] >> steve: looks good. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. next, we have bryan bulaga. he's a defensive tackle for the packers. he was voted "most likely to change th

>> jimmy: sure.am going to run on the self annihilation ticket. when i ran in 2012 it was on legalization. i have to be very proud of how many states have legalized since that. marijuana. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i would imagine there has been a big boom in the sales of macadamia nuts as a result of that, yes? >> yeah, you know they're the perfect protein. and i bought my farm from dole pineapple which did all of this gmo, genetic engineering on my farm. i am telling you my nuts are so huge. the biggest nuts you have ever seen. other people's nuts are like this. when b yyou buy macadamia nuts they're like this. my freaking nuts are like this. >> jimmy: i feel look you bought that farm just so you could do nuts jokes. >> i kind of did. >> jimmy: you could write that off, that whole thing. the farm, still living in hawaii. >> still doing my farming. and i have, 2,000 nut trees. i am still doing it. you know? >> jimmy: i know you know this. your son, buck, worked here at our show. >> i know i w

look, it's us, jimmy. >> jimmy: wait, how did that -- >> it's us from moments ago. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wait, how is that possible? >> i don't know. it's a miracle. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how did that even happen? that just happened tonight. that's what we're both wearing. >> i know. it's a miracle. >> jimmy: but we're over there. >> i know. >> jimmy: i love you. you're my friend forever. oh, i love ya. i'll give you the win. julianne moore, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] "freeheld" is in select theaters this friday. nationwide, october 16th. we'll be right back with mark-paul gosselaar, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] when broker chris hill stays at laquinta and fires up free wi-fi, with a network that's now up to 5 times faster than before you know what he can do? let's see if he's ready. book your next stay at lq.com! (door bell rings) trick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm! if you have moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis like me... and you're talking to a rheumatologist about a biologic, this is humira. this is humira helping to relieve my pain and protect my joints fr

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks all of you for coming. very nice, i appreciate it. i feel so good tonight, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders because this afternoon around about 1:30 i finally got all my christmas shopping finished. i am done for 2015. i like to get it done before labor day. this is kind of like a christmas present. we have a brand-new cast of "dancing with the stars," folks. [ cheers and applause ] they did a strange thing this season, they actually got some cars. chaka khan is on the show. alex skarlatos, one of the americans who stopped the attack on the train in france a couple of weeks ago, and they got this lady. >> give it up for paula deen! >> hi, paula! >> hi, laura, hi, george! how are you? >>. >> jimmy: good, how have you been? we haven't seen you on tv for a while, what's new? it's kind of funny if you think about it. thinking about this today. the person who had to gh into hiding because she used the "n" word and the guy who wrestled the terrorist with an

jimmy! >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy, you've got -- >> jimmy: right there, my man!hat just happen to me though. we'll, i've have two things i gotta bring up to you. one is, you and jess came to the house about a year ago, and they stayed at our house with my wife and we were hanging out. then, the next morning, we were having coffee, and we were hanging out, and -- >> got in the hot tub. >> jimmy: we were not in the hot tub. but -- >> people go in the hot tub. >> jimmy: there was nobody in the hot tub. >> he doesn't have a hot tub. >> jimmy: i don't even have a a hot tub. but we're there --. >> he has a basement, though. >> jimmy: no one was in the basement. >> just two bros in the basement. >> jimmy: nobody is in the basement. everything's fine where we live. >> sorry. tell your story. tell your story. >> jimmy: yeah, thank you. you came to my wife, like, to put pictures on mugs, we do that in our house. >> i go. so, we're staying in the guest house, obviously. and it's beautiful, this property -- house. it's unbelievable. >> jimmy: thank you. >> his lovely wife, s

>> never. >> jimmy: oh, boy. >> good start. >> jimmy: that was the easy one. >> oh, no. >> jimmy: weind up with you both back in the hostel is what's going to happen. next question. name the former governator of the state of california. reese. >> arnold schwarzenegger. >> jimmy: is that right, reese. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you are on the board. next question. what sport do the los angeles kings play? reese. >> gridiron? >> jimmy: what? >> gridiron? football? sorry. >> jimmy: gridiron? >> sal: gridiron? >> jimmy: no, kirstie, do you want to take a shot? >> basketball? >> jimmy: no, they play ice hockey. are you familiar with that? >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: okay. not familiar enough, i'm afraid. next question. you're never going to get this. you're not going to get this. how about this. los angeles is known as the city of blank? the city of blank? >> angels? >> jimmy: angels is right, reese, yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: in spanish that's what it means. next question, sprinkles is the name of what kind of food chain? >> cupcakes? >> jimmy: that's right, kirstie. [ chee

now, abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, john stamos. from cnn, jake tapper, jake byrd at a donald trump rally. and music from cold war kids. with cleto and the cletones. and now, you asked for it, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the he's of the show. thank you for watching. that's very nice. so those of you who are visiting us, welcome to sunny southern california where it's been raining. i wouldn't say it's raining cats. it was raining kittens and puppies. it did rain, which is a big deal for us here. it rained most of last night and this morning which is frustrating. it always rains after the day i get a blowout. it rains so infrequently here my daughter is 14 months old. i took her outside this morning. she was like, what the hell is this? turn this off. even though there wasn't much rain our local weather teams, god bless them, they snapped into action. they are so starved for anything at all, they send reporters in news trucks out to cover this. >> let me give you a live

>> jimmy: wow. this is really a deep show, yeah. >> we did get him a miniature kit so that he could explore his talent, his innate talent. >> jimmy: i wanna show everyone here. this is little otis playing the drums. check it out. >> so loud. >> whoo! [ cheers and applause ] >> very cute. >> jimmy: and that scream -- that scream off camera, that was jason? >> no, that was robert plant, who's actually -- >> jimmy: he was there, absolutely, yeah. >> he's the singer of his band. >> jimmy: are you bringing otis tomorrow to the global citizens festival? >> oh, man. i don't know if he can handle it. it's gonna be kind of amazing and intense. we have beyonce. [ cheers ] we have ed sheeran. >> jimmy: coldplay. >> we have coldplay. >> jimmy: pearl jam. >> pearl jam. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that means it's gonna be big tomorrow. if you can't make it to see olivia, you'll be doing all your hits. >> i will be doing all my hits. >> jimmy: if you can't make it though, you can watch it on -- msnbc is airi

you ruined everything. >> jimmy: they'd be so -- >> oh, jimmy fallon. >> jimmy: no.k me either. "we got you back fallon for ruining our senior year! [ laughter ] class of '15 forever, old man!" i got blond hair, like, "who did that? you guys!" vaseline on my door knobs. "you zip locked my hands together." so we won't say what your prank is. did you do your senior photos? that's a big thing. >> yes, i did senior photos. cause you have to do it over the summer so then they're ready. and you can pick them out, which is good, because i don't know if i trust the people at the senior photo place to pick out my photos -- >> jimmy: oh no, they're always a crazy photographer making you do stuff that is always weird. and you go. >> you have to get like certain packages, too. so, you know -- >> jimmy: how many wallets do i need or that type of thing. >> so my mom can hand them out to everybody, key chains and all this stuff. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. they make it into a key chain. >> jimmy: gosh, i'm so old. oh, my gosh. [ light laughter ] they make your own key chain. that wo

, jimmy?omething productive like play candy crush or something. >> sorry if i'm boring you. >> jimmy: denise, she looks to be young to me. >> she is. >> jimmy: looks like a little piglet. how old is denise? >> well, she's old enough, let's just say that. she's old enough. >> old enough? >> but not as old as she could be. >> jimmy: i see. >> you know. >> jimmy: miss piggy, are you dating anyone right now? >> yes, that's it, she's dating anyone. >> ha ha, very funny. that's not true. i mean, i do go out pretty much every night. >> yeah, pretty much. >> with a new face. >> jimmy: i think you would make a great bachelorette. i don't know if the producers have been in touch. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: ever considered that? >> we've been talking about it. nothing too much right now. as much as i date, i do have high standards. >> jimmy: you do? >> i do. i have a rigorous application process before anyone can date me. i wish i had those in place when i met you. >> excuse me? >> he has webbed f

>> jimmy: yeah.minion. [ laughter ] get this. anthony weiner is denying donald trump's suggestion that his wife huma shared classified information with him while she worked for hillary clinton. and as we all know, nothing puts a rumor to rest like a a denial from anthony weiner. [ laughter ] "i didn't send those pics. oh, wait, those pics? yeah, i sent those." [ laughter ] you see this? a connecticut state senator who named one of his sons after mount mckinley went on a rant against president obama's decision to change the mountain's name this week. though, he's still not as upset as his other son, lake titicaca. [ laughter and applause ] terrible name for me. great lake. i saw that president obama has been instagramming during his alaska trip. he posted a picture of himself with a sign that has the year he was born. check this out. yeah. [ light laughter ] presidents, they're just as lame as us. [ laughter ] can we see that one again? look at this. [ light laughter ] sunglasses say, "cool," while th

and now, look out, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: very nice. hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. i'm glad that you're here. we have a lot to cover tonight. we have so much ground to cover. not the least of which is the republican candidate debate last night on cnn. did you watch this debate? well, a lot of people did. 23 million viewers tuned in last nate. making it the biggest audience in the history of cnn. even bigger than the televised wedding of larry king and anna nicole smith. remember that? i shed many a tear that evening. if you're not one of the people who watched it last night, here is just a taste what was you missed. i feel like -- hold on a second. i think you played the wrong clip. that was the fight from japanese parliament this morning. just when we think we're really crazy, we see something like that happening in japan. i tell you what, it pursuants things in perspective. as far as the debate goes i'll try to sum it up for you best i can. there was a weird mix of subjects. some

>> jimmy: there's more. >> steve: what? >> jimmy: yeah. tonight, two of the other greatest basketball players on the planet. [ laughter ] >> steve: i think you've got the wrong card. >> jimmy: am i reading the wrong card? no, they are two of the greatest basketball players on the planet, they're giving us a a world premier of the trailer for the big new comedy movie. super funny movie called "sisters." tina fey and amy poehler are in the house. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: what? who? >> jimmy: that's both of them. >> steve: both of them? tina and amy? and lebron? >> jimmy: three nba legends. >> steve: well, that must be it. >> jimmy: three nba legends are in the house. i can't wait. and the movie looks great. the movie is written by paula pell by the way. and comedy fans know paula pell writes the goods. but, then we have what could be the song of the summer on tonight. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] this could be the song of the summer. everybody is singing this song. this is -- the song is called "cheerleader." this is omi is here to

>> jimmy: like what? >> make them -- edible? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. mark?s. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: mailboxes what? >> make them edible. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, we're not making anything edible. james, you're our last hope. how can the postal service earn a profit? >> well actually, i think it's a matter of making the act of sending physical letters, a.k.a., snail mail, more relevant to this day and age, and in order to do that we need to streamline the process. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: maybe. how so? >> make it edible. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: guys, check this out here. starbucks just updated its app so that you can order your coffee ahead of time and pick it up at the shop without having to wait in line. [ cheers and applause ] right. because nobody wants to spend all day waiting around at starbucks except for 80% of the people at starbucks. [ laughter ] "who's going to hop on the wi-fi? [ applause ] i'm going to stream all the 'lord of the rings' movies right now and just -- oh, i'll buy the cheapest coffee you can ge

>> jimmy: i do. am a little obsessed with it. >> that's good. >> jimmy: i'm worried we're going to run out and i really love having water. >> yes, we need it. >> jimmy: i don't want to be part of the problem. i want to be part of the solution. >> sure. >> jimmy: even if we have to resort to violent measures today. >> i don't think we're at that point for violent measures. but, you know -- >> jimmy: we have different styles, i guess. >> yes, exactly. >> jimmy: i don't know if you can tell but out of respect for you i haven't bathed in more than three days. >> no, i hadn't -- hadn't noticed yet. >> jimmy: or flushed for that matter. >> or flushed. oh, you're the old brown, flush it down. yellow, let it mellow? >> jimmy: no i'm the old, just shut the lid and leave. can we pull over here? >> sure. >> jimmy: i see something up here. it's great that we're going around and busting people for using too much water. but i really think there should be some kind of rewards program for those who vhave a lane likw

>>> ask now, abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood -- it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- matt damon. dr. phil mcgraw. from "quantico," priyanka chopra. and music from fidlar. with cleto and the cletones. and now, all aboard, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. oh, that's so nice. in the just the world, there's a lot going on in the universe right now. did you see the big super bloody lunar moon last night? the super moon was the reason all your facebook friends posted blurry pictures of the sky last night. a major astronomical event. it won't happen again until the year 2033. i was really excited about it. i read about it last week but i forget things. i set a reminder to go outside and look at it. but i was so eager to see it i didn't need the alarm. i went outside 6:45 last night. as soon as it started to get dark i waited. for a full 20, 30, 40 minutes i couldn't find the moon. i waited. i was in front of my house. well, maybe -- i went to the

i'm jimmy. >> i'm may. >> mark. >> jimmy: mark and may.u heard but everybody wants to kill me. >> not everyone. >> jimmy: not everyone? >> no, mostly people want you to understand. and that's the main point of all this. >> jimmy: mostly people want me to get cancer. >> yeah, okay, there was a lot of that. >> jimmy: so i guess really the reason why i'm here is i'm old and i'm out of touch and i don't understand why people would watch other people play video games. i get the playing video games part. it's fun. it's the watching other people play the video games that i don't understand. >> got that. so these are some of the comments that i've been receiving. this is maybe like a tenth of 1% of them. you smell like poo and i don't like you, i hope you die and stick your head up you bum, you hat fairy guy so go spin in circles. >> sounds like a 9-year-old wrote that, to be honest. >> jimmy: while you're sleeping i'm going to pop a squat over your mouth and let her rip you f'ing ape. i get that jimmy kimmel could be a bit out of touch since he's

hello, paula. >> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm good. >> jimmy: where are you right now? >> i am in my secret room. >> jimmy: and what happens in the secret room? >> well, my grandchildren call this the secret room because it's so full of secrets. >> jimmy: ah. it looks like that room is about to collapse on you. >> it's not only in here, it's in the garage, too. >> jimmy: oh, really. do the kids try to sneak in there to see what they might be getting? >> they always want to know if there's a secret in here for them. >> jimmy: have you considered saving yourself a little room and just moving into a toys "r" us? >> well, i probably could start my own store. >> jimmy: does the rest of the house look like this? >> in this room, i probably have 500, 600 presents. >> jimmy: wow. can i put you in touch with the people at "hoarders"? >> you certainly can. i am a shopping christmas hoarder. >> jimmy: you are. so you're totally done for this year's christmas? >> absolutely. and next christmas and the christmas after. >> jimmy: all right. wow, thank you, paula. i wouldn't have beli

>> jimmy: a lot of secrets.ama. >> steve: ooh. >> jimmy: it's probably hard to believe, because of how normal and peaceful everything seems right now here. but let me show you what i mean. check out our latest "tonight show" digital original. this is "jim-pire." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ laughter and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i've been tellin' jokes since i was 9 years old in brooklyn. [ laughter ] it was these jokes, these funnies, these ha-has that kept me warm at night growing up in the streets. >> where did the cantaloupe go for vacation? john cougar's mellencamp. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it was jokes like these that made me the man i am today. juicy jim, head of "the tonight show" jim-pire. now, i might not be around forever, what with my finger being in the condition it is. [ laughter ] who knows what could happen tomorrow? i could stub my toe. i could bite my tongue. i could burn the roof of my mouth eating a hot microwave pizza. [ laughter ] the point is, i need to entrust my legacy to someone. will it be

♪ jimmy kimmel live ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome to the show.ou for watching. thank you. very nice. thank you for being here. i will tell you it is -- it is hot everywhere. it is humid. it's terrible. you know why it is so hot today? ricky martin is here. that's why it's hot. [ cheers and applause ] right now in, in new york right now it is fashion week. which also known as watch hungry women walk week. fashion week, for those who aren't familiar is the week that answers the question -- how many emaciated teenagers will it take to convince someone to spend $10,000 on a dress. a lot of people are interested. the only way you can get me to care with fashion week is if you mashed it up with shark week some how. love to see a hammerhead swallow a $28,000 birken bag. better get the fashion week stuff over before the pope gets there. pope francis is coming to new york, washington, and philadelphia. he'll be here on the 22nd. better get your acts together. this will be the pope's visit to the united states, never been here before, before he was pope. s

>> jimmy: okay. >> you're me and i'm her. >> jimmy: okay. >> she'll go like this. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? >> jimmy: oh, really? and the dog will eat a banana. >> yeah, she loves bananas. i do, too. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we all love bananas. >> jimmy: any other pets? >> i got two tortoises. >> jimmy: like turtles? >> i bought 'em in vegas at a a pet shop. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. [ laughter ] that's the best thing. crazy night in vegas. you leave with two tortoises. and you go -- [ laughter ] oh, wow. what -- where did you find them? >> pet shops in vegas are like something else. it's like going to the zoo. [ light laughter ] they'll sell anything. >> jimmy: how big are they now? >> just like this. they're pretty big now. >> jimmy: really? like giant? >> pretty big, yeah. like 12 years old. >> jimmy: and where do you keep them? in the backyard? >> in the backyard, yeah. >> jimmy: you brought a video of them for us.c>> yeah. >> jimmy: that's very, very nice. i wanna see these tortoises. here they are. be [ laughter ] hey! hey, hey. whoa, whoa, hey. hey, hey. whoa, whoa, whoa. hey, s

"eff that, jimmy!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you were saying -- >> in unison. "eff that, jimmy!"laughter ] and you harmonize, weirdly. eff that jimmy. >> yeah, yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: and you're all wearing the three different colored sweaters. [ light laughter ] but then i remember emailing lorne michaels that night and going, "hey, i don't know what you want to do with auditions are coming up. these three dudes are just some of the hardest working guys i have ever met." >> yeah. >> jimmy: and they looked like they were from -- brooklyn. they look like they're from williamsburg, but you're not. you're a california dude. >> berkley, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. but similar. >> it sounds almost identical. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: and then so he auditioned you and the rest is up to you and you scored and now you're hosting the emmy awards. i mean, come on. >> yeah. the fairy god father, jimmy fallon. [ cheers and applause ] gave us the whole thing. what? >> jimmy: it's all right. fairy god father. >> you're like the fairy god father. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. i'm l

>> jimmy: a stud!reaking out in the office, richard gere is running around, oh my gosh. plus, she's a talented singer and a designer, who has built a a very successful fashion empire. last year she made $103 billion. [ audience ohs ] i made that up. [ laughter ] but it's something like that. >> steve: yeah, it's giant. >> jimmy: that's what i'm going to talk to her -- i go, "what is going on?" i'm so happy for her. jessica simpson is on the show tonight! she's an entrepreneur, she's a a mogul! [ cheers and applause ] and we have great, great music from the multiple grammy award-winner, keith urban in the house! >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's my buddy. one of the best performers out there. i love that guy. guys, it's time to take a look at the stories making headlines today and weigh the good with the bad. it's time for "pros & cons." here we go. ♪ pros and cons and pros and cons and pros ♪ ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: tonight we'll be taking a look at the pros & cons of the new se

>> jimmy: good.>> sorry about that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: took charge, man. [ laughter ] what's your name? >> my name is jay. >> jimmy: jack? >> jay. >> jimmy: jay, sorry. >> you can call me jack if you want. >> jimmy: no, i'll call you whatever you want, man. [ laughter ] jay, nfl season starts next week. do you have a favorite football team? >> jets. >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about! [ cheers ] j-e-t-s, jets. now, if you could invent your own touchdown dance, what would it be called? >> the jay-jay instead of the nae-nae. you know, like the nae-nae? the jay-jay? >> jimmy: yeah, it's called the jay-jay? how would the jay-jay go? [ laughter ] a lot of kids are watching, jay-jay. [ laughter ] jay-jay, okay. guys, we have my pal here jay. you can call him jack, up to you. [ laughter ] favorite football team is the jets, of course, the new york jets. he came up with his own touchdown dance, and it's called the jay-jay. and when you get a touchdown, you throw the ball and then you spike the ball

>> guillermo: no, jimmy. >> jimmy: oh.eanwhile in new york, this has been going on for quite a few years now. it's still going on. they have bedbugs. fy had bedbugs, i'd just go in the ocean and sleep. i don't know what i would do. and they're not only in people's beds. the bugs are now going to the movies too. >> this theater has had a history with bedbug, if you will. we spoke with some folks outside the theater here and they say, frankly, sadly bedbugs are something you have to think about when you go to the movies in new york city these days. >> bedbugs? what? >> jimmy: my sentiments exactly. i would like for that guy to be a regular part of my life. i don't know how. meanwhile, another new season of "dancing with the stars" has waltzed into our lives tonight. "dancing with the stars" season 21. they're promising a lot of big surprises this time. i don't know what could be more surprising than the fact that "dancing with the stars" has been on for 21 seasons now. the cast of dancers this time includes paula known, chak