>> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: where's big jimmy? >> jimmy: oh, big jimmy.teve: big jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: for real! no, it's not! >> questlove: it's of jimmy. >> steve: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: oh this next one -- dude, this is a mind bender, this one. [ light laughter ] >> steve: more mind bending than the last one? >> jimmy: yeah. this one's fantastic. you guys like "seinfeld"? [ cheers ] who doesn't love "seinfeld"? this a dubstep version of the "seinfeld" theme. [ laughter ] there's seinfeld -- [ laughter ] it's coming out of a flying ship or something. >> steve: with teeth. a flying ship with teeth. >> jimmy: yeah. the artist is called wicked wicked, and the song is called "seinfeld blaster." [ light laughter ] all right? let's take a listen to this one. ♪ [ "seinfeld" theme plays ] [ heavy bass ] ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: dude, this -- you got this one? >> questlove: i dig this. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> questlove: yes. >> jimmy: dude, this is great. [ seinfeld impression ] how manyab take? [ laughter ] my hands -- my face is melting!

>> jimmy: he really is. >> yes. >> jimmy: yeah. >> jimmy: oh, i love him. yeah. >> so, this is an 8-pound sloth. >> jimmy: uh huh. >> and he doesn't like to be held, but i've got a 25-pound sloth who loves cuddles. >> woo! >> so this is serenity. [ cheers ] yes! so you can just -- [ laughter ] so, she'll just wrap around you. >> jimmy: what do i do, what do i do? >> there you go. >> jimmy: i don't know. am i good? >> want to feed her a little grape? >> jimmy: okay. all right. here we go. >> well done! she loves grapes. [ cheers and applause ] you know what? i think -- i think it's official. you are the sloth whisperer. you're amazing. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i thought you were going to tell me that you were leaving. i was like, "wait don't." oops. she's starting to eat me. >> there you go. >> jimmy: that's not good. now, what does she think? >> there goes the grape. >> jimmy: does she think i'm a a tree, right now? a talking tree? >> yeah, i think so. she -- i think she really likes you. she really does. and it's amazing -- >> jimmy

jimmy?no, we can't do that either. >> steve: human -- >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i got that from gordon. >> steve: human or animal? >> jimmy: no i got that from -- what? >> steve: human or animal. [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] you're wrong. quest, do you know the secret ingredient is? you can win this round quest. >> questlove: yeah. i think it's called, i quit. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no. you got to play the round. [ buzzer ] you got to play. >> steve: no, let's go to round two. >> jimmy: what was it? >> steve: it was a -- it was cool ranch doritos. >> oh. >> steve: cool ranch doritos. >> quest: no. >> jimmy: that was just so -- >> that was disgusting. >> steve: how could that be disgusting? >> that is -- you have destroyed. >> steve: all right. well let's try it again. cleanse your palate with a a glass of wine. for your next course our chef has prepared for you a a amuse-bouche. a foie with fermented large grain mustard and raw french vinegar bu --. >> jimmy: what? >> steve: foie. foie. >> jim

jimmy: knee. >> um -- tickle. >> jimmy: article of clothing. >> sock. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: city. >> detroit. i don't know why. >> jimmy: name a celebrity. >> uh -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: any celebrity. another one. >> yeah. >> jimmy: beyonce. >> beyonce? >> jimmy: of course. beyonce. song lyric. doesn't have to be beyonce. ♪ baby come back >> jimmy: ooh, nice. >> yeah. >> jimmy: profession. >> uh -- um -- uh -- what's the machine on the ice? zamboni. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> zamboni driver. >> jimmy: zamboni driver. this is awesome. type of event? >> funeral. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. keeping it fun here. adjective. >> hairless. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: type of food! >> sausage. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: exclamation. >> dang! >> jimmy: dang! alright, very good. daaaaaang. okay, alright. now we filled out the words. cue card, all ready to go. now it's time to perform the scene. let's go. >> let's go! [ cheers and applause ] [ sounds of traffic ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm christian grey. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: yeah.he show tonight. >> steve: oh! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's a stud! plus, he is the writer and director of "la la land" which is nominated for 14 academy awards. wowzers. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: damien chazelle is dropping in. and i love that movie! [ cheers and applause ] oh. he also did "whiplash" too. he's just a talented guy. oh and we have great -- great music. remember when had pharrell on? >> steve: mm-hm. >> jimmy: not too long ago. and he was talking about this girl that he saw at a master class and he was giving notes. and he had -- these kids were getting up and singing, performing a song? well she got up and performed this song for him. he had no notes. he was like, "whew. who are you? what's going on? this is -- you are fantastic." and now she has like -- i just checked, she has 800 billion hits. >> steve: 800 billion? >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: that's a lot. >> jimmy: i -- well i -- >> steve: even on the interweb that's a lot. >> jimmy: i'm not wearing my glasse

. >> jimmy: are you? yeah. [ light laughter ] >> we -- we do a lot of that. >> jimmy: yeah, you do a lot of that. [ laughter and applause ] >> that's the first time he's ever touched me, by the way. >> jimmy: that's the first time -- [ laughter ] yeah, i love it. i love that we got that we got it on camera. no because, i will -- can i call you coach? do you mind if i call you coach? >> oh yeah, because i've been called a lot worse than that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, very good, yeah -- did you have the best game face out of any coach in the history of the game, anyone, anywhere, any coach, anything. if you -- you intimidate me when i watch you. [ laughter ] right now, i'm a little scared. and i -- [ laughter ] yeah, i mean, you -- you get out there and you just look like you're grumpy and look like you're just mad, and give that death stare, and then you got the head set on and you're like -- that ain't go -- that ain't going to work. something like that, and you go, what is he mad at? the game hasn't ev

>> jimmy: eep. >> m! m! m! >> jimmy: eep. >> m! >> jimmy: eep. >> m! >> jimmy: rib. >> no!ome on! that's impossible! m. night. oh, my goodness! [ applause ] i couldn't even come close to that. >> abe. m. abe, m. yeah. >> i get it. abe lincoln. >> jimmy: well, look, since it was a -- a tie we're going to give you the win on this. and we have a little -- >> that's very generous. >> jimmy: surprise for you as a a reward. >> oh. >> jimmy: you talked about how brutal the wolverine diet has been for the past 17 years. non-stop workouts, steamed chicken breasts. well, since the final wolverine movie is coming out next week, it's time for wolverine to break his fast. and we got some help from one of the greatest chefs on the planet. mario batali, ladies and gentlemen! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> oh! oh! >> jimmy: what's up, doggy dog? what's up, doggy dog? >> i like it. >> thank you so much, buddy. [ applause ] >> that is the greatest frickin' thing i've ever seen in my life. >> jimmy: what's up, brother? >> yes! >> jimmy: there you go, yeah. a little pasta. from -- come on. this

>> jimmy: get this. survey of historians just ranked james buchanan as the worst president ever. [ light laughter ] then after yesterday, buchanan said, "i think you guys need to click your refresh button." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: hey-oh! >> jimmy: a new challenger has emerged. yeah. people are still talking about president trump's wild press conference yesterday. in fact, the "new york times" called it "77 chaotic minutes." [ light laughter ] it's not good when your first press conference gets the same review as "john wick 2." [ laughter and applause ] 77 chaotic minutes. but this morning, trump's chief of staff, reince priebus, did an interview on "fox and friends," where he said trump did amazing in the press conference. [ light laughter ] then from off camera, someone shouted, "and tell them how sexy i looked." [ laughter and applause ] "and he looked really sexy." but you knew it wouldn't be long before talking. take a look at this. re's lot go president trump today. he's going to florid

>> jimmy: who knows what you're up to. >> i know. >> jimmy: that 10,000-yard stare. >> i know. >> jimmyalso, this is interesting to me, you are the executive producer of show," a new game show that's coming to abc. [ cheers and applause ] >> you remember "the gong show." >> jimmy: of course. >> for those who don't know what it is, back in the '70s and '80s, before i was born -- [ laughter ] because i'm so crazy young. i'm quoting you. >> jimmy: right, right, yeah. >> "the gong show" was kind of like a talent show for people who had a bizarre talent. and what they'd do is have a panel on, and they'd have a panel of comedians, really famous at the time comedians, people like steve martin were on the panel. sometimes if an act was so bad or grating, a member of the panel had the right to get up and grab this huge hammer and hit the gong. disqualify the person from the competition. >> jimmy: right. >> we decided in this age of competition, we have all these shows celebrating mediocre talent, that we should -- [ laughter ] that we should have a show that is that. >> jimmy: a showcase for the

>> jimmy: that's it.l -- you fill in the blank. [ light laughter ] >> steve: that sounds like -- >> jimmy: and finally, "what does the education secretary do? detailed answers welcome." i mean -- [ light laughter ] that, that worries me a little bit. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: that does worry -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: just a little bit. >> jimmy: i see that, i'm like, "no way, dude!" [ light laughter ] of course another big story is trump's travel ban. earlier today he defended the ban by saying, quote, "even a a bad high school student would support it." and betsy devos said, "and thanks to me, we'll have plenty of those." [ laughter and applause ] so, don't worry about that. ernie. who is ernie? [ light laughter ] ooh, sorry. we were looking for "who is burt?" >> steve: ooh. looking for "what is ernie?" >> jimmy: according to a white house aide, president trump loves to drink virgin bloody marys. kind of an odd cocktail, to [ laughter ] not -- not very popular. well, it turns out trump also lo

♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ go jimmy, go jimmy go jimmy ♪ [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy "tonight show" hashtags. here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ hashtags ooh-wee ooh-wee hashtags ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's fantastic. guys, we use twitter on our show every single week. since you watch the show you want to play along with us. you play the game withs. wednesday. i will send out a hashtag from our show account on twitter and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. so since the powerball jackpot was $435 million this week, i went on twitter and sent out a a hashtag called if i won the powerball, and asked you guys to tweet out a funny or weird thing you would do if you won the powerball. we got thousands of tweets. within 20 minutes it was a a trending topics in the u.s., so thank you. [ cheers and applause ] before the tweets, i thought i'd share some of my favorite, if i won the powerball tweets from you guys. this first one's from @amandabuys, she said, i'd hire 200 male skydivers to drop from the skies so i could finally say, it's raining m

>> hi, jimmy. hi, jimmy.r having me on your television. >> jimmy: betsy -- betsy, the camera's the other way. just turn to your -- yep. [ light laughter ] >> perfect. >> jimmy: welcome to the show. >> i have notes. [ light laughter ] hi. i'm betsy dee-vos. >> jimmy: no. that's actually -- it's devos. >> and i'm very exited -- >> jimmy: excited? excited. >> to be your new secretary of ed-u-cake boss. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, betsy, betsy. betsy, put down the notes, maybe. and let's just talk, okay? now look, i hear you already got some ideas on how to improve schools. is that correct? >> yes. idea number one. no more textbooks, they're too heavy and got too many words. [ light laughter ] from here on out, every school will be switching to a a pamphlet-based education system. take the history pamphlet. [ laughter ] right? it tells how the dinosaurs fought the vikings then went on to form the band "america." which had great hits like "a horse with no name." but i actually know the horse's name. it's cin

jimmy: i know.hoto, as you can see it. >> oh, yeah. oh man. >> jimmy: here's a close-up. [ light laughter ] people online are like, what are they? snails? >> i got sent this article. there was this massive article where they were trying to discover what was behind these socks. and there was -- there was -- they went online talking, you know sending all these links to snail socks. they're -- they're lions. lion socks. my best friend ragu -- there you go. >> jimmy: he gave you these socks. they have lions. but that is your movie. it's "lion." >> blessed me with those socks. and was like, these will give you good luck on the night. i was going on stage and i was really nervous, so. >> jimmy: how cool was that. that's a good friend right there. and it worked. >> amazing friend. >> jimmy: i mean, you got nominated for an academy award, buddy. >> can you believe it? [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's super cool, man. i know that -- i heard this -- i don't want to screw anything up. but is your dat

>> 19. >> jimmy: 19? >> yes. >> jimmy: wow, you look very young.estion. and your job is just answer that question honestly. do not reveal your answer until i tell you to, okay? yeah, write on the other side, anthony. i mean, william. okay. all right. so the question is, how many times a month, after 36 years, do you have sex? [ laughter ] yeah, write it right on the -- yeah, on the thing. okay. belinda going to work. there's a concerned onlooker. all right. william? are you in the marines or just a fan? >> now. >> jimmy: what's that? >> i'm still in. >> jimmy: very good, okay. >> once a marine always a marine. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, william the marine, what is the number? the number is -- two. i think william spelled it out just for spite. >> better get this one right. >> jimmy: belinda, what do you say? william says two, you say -- >> sal: this is going to be trouble. >> ten! [ cheers and applause ] wait a minute. well, either you've got someone on the side or one of you is not -- you know i meant not alone, right? wow, belin

>> jimmy: you got a racehorse? >> yes. >> jimmy: yeah!s the same dude! >> you know what? >> jimmy: he tricked me, too. some guy is like, "do you want to own a racehorse?" i go, "yeah!" of course i'd want to -- everyone wants to own a a racehorse. >> he took me out there and it was running fast by itself. everything's got a little -- >> yeah! [ laughter ] they put him beside the other 9 horses. he ran slow. >> jimmy: yeah! [ laughter ] he was like this, standing in the corner smoking. [ laughter ] you can't smoke! a smoking horse! >> oh, man. >> jimmy: do you remember the name of it? >> no. we came in last. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that might be the name of it. "we came in last." >> i don't never want to invest in a horse again after that. >> jimmy: i thought i could name the horse. so i was, like, because i invested. i go, "great, you're going to be sea warrior." i was going to talk to him. "you're going to win the kentucky derby. you go all the way." they go, "you can't name the horse. the horse already has a name." i go, "oh. what's the h

yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. >> yep. >> jimmy: the third one. >> the third one. >> jimmy: that's right. >> butf burning buildings. he backpacks on top of them. >> jimmy: he really does his own stunts. >> he really does. he does a lot of his own stunts. and so then because he did i got to do a lot of my own stunts, jumping out of like burning buildings. like, has a backpack on top of them. >> jimmy: how does that work? >> you just -- he's like, "you want to do this?" i'm like, "yeah. yeah, i guess so." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what tom cruise does. he's that cool, it's like, you want to do this. >> yeah, he's like, "you want to do this?" i'm like, "yes." >> jimmy: just get on my back. let's jump out of this burning building. [ laughter ] and you just do it and -- >> yeah. and he's like, "if your hair catches on fire, just shake it out. just shake it out." i was like, "yes, okay." here we go. here we go. >> jimmy: no one would ever say that. if your hair catches on fire -- >> and i -- i watched it. and that's what he does. he lands and we jump out of this giant burning building. he la

jimmy: seriously, yeah. >> all of you. >> jimmy: man. >> yeah, can you -- >> jimmy: that came out wrongther ] as far as -- we've been here shot -- >> yeah, yeah, yeah. red room. >> jimmy: they're all great. they're all great rooms. >> they're all great rooms. well -- see, okay. let's move on. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: how is mom doing? how's your mom. >> grandma's good. she's good. she's already gone. she left after christmas. >> jimmy: did she really? >> she's like, bye. see you people. yeah. >> jimmy: what was it like having your -- your mother there? >> couldn't have done this without her. i mean -- look. i know mom is watching, because she's like, you're going to be on jimmy fallon? what time. so hey, grandma -- mom. >> jimmy: hi grandma. >> but i couldn't have done this without you, mom. you are my role model. you are an amazing woman even though you don't think you had anything to do with me. she always says that, it's like, you raised yourself. and i was like, i did not. it was you. and dad. but just having that multi-generational existence kept us all grounded because mom doe

and now, just like that, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, hola.'m the host. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. you picked an interesting night to be in our studio audience. for one thing rob lowe is here and he is a psychopath. [ cheers and applause ] i mean, what a beauty,ha beauty are. but we also have animals on the show tonight, wild animals, including a fully grown black bear. this is how we're celebrating black history month, with a bear. [ laughter ] tonight's show is going to be like the comedy version of "the revenant" so stick around. dave salmoni who brought a bear, a fox, an owl, he's going to show you how to cook them all up for your super bowl party. dave unless his in his dressing room right now. [ cheers and applause ] >> you keep making food jokes and the i'll get big animals to see you today. >> jimmy: that one seems big enough to me, that's a raccoon, right? >> that is a raccoon, chewing on apples, getting ready for the show. >> jimmy: did you bring him or was he just in there? >> we have garbage issues in here. >> ji

>> jimmy: oh, man!ting the most out of life doesn't just mean being there when things go wrong. it's about being here... in all of life's moments. when things go perfectly... right. ♪ sir? you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. can i keep the walnuts? yes. but i get to pick your movie. can i pick the genre? nope. with the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. backed by the service and security of american express. and now we unleash it onwerfuls your taxes.pecies has created. hello my name is watson. yep. h&r block and ibm watson together. creating a future of more money going back into the pockets of more families. welcome to taxes won. h&r block with watson. come see us and get your taxes won. you may be muddling through allergies.oned with... try zyrtec® for powerful allergy relief. and zyrtec® is different than claritin®. because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. try zyrtec®. muddle no more®. ♪ ♪ so tasty. but

>> jimmy: oh, no. >> ahh! >> jimmy: yessireebob! >> ahh!rstand. what is this game again? how many raw ones? >> this is the best game in the world. >> steve: three raw left. three-sevenths of the egg. >> jimmy: that one's sticking out. >> yeah, it's just poking out at you. >> jimmy: i'm not looking -- i'm not touching that one. >> steve: humpty dumpty. >> jimmy: humpty dumpty. hey, man, good to see you and congrats -- >> thank you. >> jimmy: --on the netflix series and the magic show as well. >> thank you, sir. >> jimmy: and i can't wait to see it. going to be really great. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i'm in the zone, auto zone. >> i like that. >> jimmy: i'm in the zone, man. ♪ auto zone [ light laughter ] >> steve: 50/50. >> you land with a compliment and then there's this -- [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: i delivered on that one. >> i'm going with a little humpty dumpty cowboy. >> steve: ahh! [ audience gasps ] >> you are a very handsome man. >> jimmy: regretting -- i appreciate it. >> i like your show. >> jimmy: thank you very much!

>> jimmy: yeah.ure right now. [ laughter ] and listen to the actual future. >> steve: the actual future. >> jimmy: you can listen to the present future. you can give "future" as a a present. [ laughter ] on itunes. and then you got the present and the future. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: all you need to figure out is the past. >> steve: the past. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: guys, as most people know president trump has continued to accuse various media outlets on reporting fake news. well, earlier today he came up with a plan to help solve what he believes is a big problem, and he talked about it from the oval office. in case you missed it -- what? in case you missed it? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: he -- he's streaming -- >> steve: he's streaming? >> jimmy: he live streamed from the oval office. >> steve: and we have it? >> jimmy: "the tonight show" got it. i don't know how we got it first. >> steve: oh my gosh. [ laughter ] that's fantastic. how do we get all of these scoops? >> jimmy: here it is right here.

> jimmy: eye. >> nostril. >> jimmy: eyebrow. >> hair. >> jimmy: teeth. >> tongue. >> jimmy: trip. >>n that one. i'm sorry. [ buzzer ] nasal hair! nasal hair! whew! tasty. i don't know -- >> mmm. >> jimmy: doesn't taste too bad. all right, good. tie game. >> okay. >> jimmy: here we go. ready? >> yep. >> jimmy: earring. >> lick. >> jimmy: dog. >> nose. >> jimmy: tulip. >> fantasy. >> jimmy: island. >> nincompoop. [ light laughter ] sorry -- >> jimmy: i think we're going back in time here. really. [ buzzer ] it's the odd -- i've never heard the word nincompoop before. >> it's a broken record. >> jimmy: and i blanked on that one because you made me think of -- okay. here we go. >> okay. >> jimmy: you look so pretty. [ laughter ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: [ slurring ] you're a a very pretty girl. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: ready? the game. >> correct. >> jimmy: here we go. ready? um -- bored. >> correct. >> jimmy: chess. >> mind. >> jimmy: elastic. >> grenade. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: ah -- gosh, i just blanked. sorry guys. [ applause ] >> do i win? >> jimmy: you're the champ right there! rosamun

best, jimmy.rst days in office, there was this. president trump declares war on "blank." mexico, immigrants, women, scientists, the gop itself, journalists. a dizzying attack on a a cross-section of people and his executive actions of his first days emphasize division and disruption. americans have a right to be scared. i, too, have grave concerns. but i ask you to consider this. on january 20th, so many americans came out to washington, d.c., to witness the inauguration of our 45th president. and the next day a sea of people participated in the women's march on washington. instead of comparing the numbers between the two days or any other days, for that matter, if you combine the numbers, it would give you an idea of how many americans are actually participating in our democratic system. whether in support of trump, or in protest. and to have an elective active, is not nothing. in the days and months ahead, we americans will have our struggles. some more than others. but in the fatigue, or in fea

i did it, jimmy! jimmy? jimmy, i want to play a person. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy?'d like to thank the academy. i'd like to thank john travolta, j.k. simmons, and all of my students except for matt damon. we're back to work tomorrow night with kobe bryant, chrissy teigen, mash-up monday music from warren and kenny g, and guillermo on the red carpet with the oscar stars. >> hi, i'm very excited. i have a very special surprise today. my tongue cam. that's right. for the first time, we're going to see all the tongue of the celebrities. you want to do the tongue cam? >> i want to do what? >> a tongue cam. >> what's that? >> here. open big. >> ahh! >> all right. good luck tonight. >> tongue cam. tongue cam. that's interesting. yeah, okay. is it white and fuzzy? >> say ahh. >> oh, my god, no, get away from me. >> say ahh! >> jimmy: we'll have more celebrity tongues tomorrow night. until then, thank you for watching. go to sleep already. good night! ♪ >>> this is "nightline." >>> tonight, american nightmare. elite athletes striving for glory, but behind the bright lights a

welcome. >> i love you, jimmy! >> jimmy: i love you, too.e you, too, yeah. [ cheers ] i love everybody. guys, but love is in the air because tomorrow is valentine's day. >> steve: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tomorrow is valentine's day, which means in 24 hours, guys all across the country will be telling their loved ones, "i thought you said we weren't doing gifts this year? [ laughter and applause ] but, you said that." just always get a gift. just always -- yeah, yeah, oh. actually i read that one of the more popular valentine's day gifts this year is gym memberships. [ audience oohs ] >> steve: oh, gosh. >> jimmy: what better way to say, "i love you" than by saying, "you're fat and i want you out of the house"? >> steve: aw. >> jimmy: it's like, thank you very much. appreciate that. [ applause ] the grammys were last night. did you watch the grammys? anybody? [ cheers and applause ] it was great. adele -- adele was the big winner. but -- yeah. [ cheers ] but get this. after winning for best album, adele said she thought beyonc