and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you all very much. great, great. how you all doing? welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." man, i am so excited, you guys. we have dame helen mirren on the show tonight. [ applause ] she's looking good, too. looking real good. i saw her backstage it was like, daaaaamn! also we have damon wayans jr. on the show. awesome. [ cheers and applause ] he's a good dude. he's a funny guy. i saw him backstage, i was like daaaaaamon wayans jr. we also have the one and only paul simon on the show! [ cheers and applause ] i saw him backstage i was like, hey, paul simon. [ laughter ] you're awesome. hey, did you guys see this? in a speech yesterday, president obama revealed that up until a few years ago, he was still paying off his student loans. yeah. in response, china was like, oh, so you do know how to repay loans. interesting. [ applause ] chec

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, what's happening, everybody? that's what i'm talking about. that's a great crowd. welcome, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] welcome, everybody. thank you so much. welcome. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." i'm jimmy fallon and if you don't believe me, here's my birth certificate. [ laughter and applause ] sex, question mark? what's that? [ laughter ] president obama released his birth certificate today proving once and for all that he was born in the united states. he has a certificate clearly shows he was born on the all-american street of punahou highway at the kapiolani hospital in oahu. [ cheers ] donald trump says he still wants to look more closely at obama's birth certificate to make sure it's real. incidentally, president obama said the same exact thing about donald trump's hair. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] chec

insane, "late night with jimmy fallon." but i see where you're going with that one, too. >> jimmy: what are you -- what are you talking about? >> insane. insane. insane in the membrane, cell membrane, bring you back to mitochondria, my favorite organelle, the powerhouse of the cell, powerhous, mighty mouse, here he comes to save the day --tona 500, race cars, race car palindromes, alan colmes, fox news, fox news, button you're hitting every nine minutes, "minute to win it," guy fieri, spiky --"hairy and the hendersons," florence henderson, "the brady bunch," bunch of bananas, bananas in pajama's, they're coming down the stairs, stair-master, master and commander, commander data from "star trek: the next generation," "my generation" by the who -- what, where, when, why --"how i met your mother," mother of invention, bring you back to thomas edison, the wizard of menlo park, he got us out of the dark when the light bulb went "spark," electricity, power lines, power steering, chevy trucks, chevy chase, "weekend update," chevy t

and here he is -- jimmy fallon!heers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! great crowd tonight. welcome -- welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. today was the big royal wedding, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] prince william and kate middleton kissed each other in public two times on a balcony. [ scattered cheers ] at one point i was like, "geez, guess a castle, you two." [ light laughter ] [ scattered applause ] it took kate middleton about four minutes to walk down the aisle at the royal wedding. meanwhile, it took me about a second to realize i was a grown man using a stopwatch to time a bride walking down the aisle. [ laughter ] come on, i have three and under. i have three and under. the royal wedding went pretty smoothly but prince william seemed to have trouble putting the wedding ring on kate's finger. anyone else kind of worried about how their wedding night's going to go? [ laughter and o

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. welcome, everybody. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," and for those of you still recovering from st. patrick's day -- [ whispers ] welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." that's right, yesterday was st. patrick's day, and today was that other great holiday, st. call in sick day. [ laughter ] no, it's march madness, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] feelin' the magic. there was a major ncaa upset yesterday when the 13th seed morehead state beat number four seed, louisville. even players at morehead state were like, "oh, man, this screws up my entire bracket." [ laughter ] why did we win? i just read this. a school in new jersey that was named after president obama will close this summer because of low enrollment. [ light laughter ] that explains the school's new education plan, "no child left." [ cheers and applause ] nobody

"jimmy fallon is donating $26,000 to stephen's charity." >> jimmy: stephen, this goes both ways.st friend for six months do i get to say you're giving $26,000 to my charity? >> not until we deal with this, jim. [ laughter ] 'cause if we don't deal with this, i don't see how we're best friends for six months. >> jimmy: stephen, hold on, let's talk this out. >> no, i can not do this anymore, jimmy! i give, and i give, and i give your money to other people, and i get nothing back. but you seem willing to throw all of that away, 3 1/2 weeks of best friendship, and for what? >> jimmy: you can't even look me in the eye. >> i cannot look you in the eye, jimmy, it's too painful. plus i got to look at these cards over here. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] if we were ever best friends for six months, just do me this much -- think about what you're losing, jimmy. think about what you're losing. [ cheers and applause ] whoo! >> jimmy: he's right. [ cheers and applause ] he's right. best friends have to take care of each other. i think the only way to fix this is actually come up with th

coming on "jimmy fallon." >> jimmy: you hit the wall. oh, my gosh.usic. i got an invitation in the mail. and i thought, gosh, how did i make the cut? but, i went. she sang a little something. it was so good to see her, really. i mean, i think people were just so glad to see her. >> jimmy: i love aretha franklin. >> live and -- i do, too. i do, too. >> jimmy: what did she sing? "respect." >> no, she didn't sing "respect." she sang "memories." >> jimmy: what? >> yeah. >> jimmy: barbra streisand? >> yep. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, she just did a little, little ditty. just a little -- just a little tease. >> jimmy: yeah, a little tease for everyone. >> with dennis edwards from the temptations. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, it was nice. it was very nice. >> jimmy: who else was at this thing? the shindig. how come i didn't get an invite? >> i don't know. i told -- >> jimmy: i would have sang "respect." >> i told them your address. i know. i think a lot of people were expecting her to sing that. but -- >> jimmy: i love that she didn't do it. >> i do, too. i me

one's actually pretty precise. >> jimmy: very scientific. >> they spared no expense here at the jimmy fallonng diamonds apparently. >> jimmy: that's -- that's what i use it for. [ laughter ] all right, so what do we do now? >> here we go. we're gonna go ahead -- safety first, i want you to put on your goggles. this is the fun part, right? [ scattered cheers ] >> jimmy: this is the fun part? >> yes, this is indeed the fun part. we're got negative 320 degrees liquid nitrogen right here. >> jimmy: yeah! that's what i'm talking about. >> who doesn't love that? >> jimmy: dude, wait, what are you doing? >> pop these in there. pop them in. let's go, let's go, let's go, jimmy. get them in there. get them in there. >> jimmy: what's happening? >> so, this is -- we're actually. >> jimmy: stop dancing. stop dancing like that. why are we dancing leprechauns? >> it's the day after st. patrick's day. all right, so what we're going to do now is just go ahead and take these bad boys and finish it with a little cocoa nut milk powder for fun and -- you just want to go ahead and pop it in your mouth. bottoms up

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about! hey. that's a new york crowd! thank you guys. welcome, everybody! welcome. great crowd. good already. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." glad you're here with me tonight. some big breaking news, you guys. big breaking news. after months of budget negotiations, there's some tough compromise on both sides. i'm happy top announce that a deal has finally been reached. that's right. the entire cast of "jersey shore" signed on for season number four. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] oh, yes. one fist pump, that's it. until the next club. this place is dead. this place is dead. that's what -- let me get the -- [ laughter ] let me get the vibe of this place. not good. i don't like the acoustics. let's give him a round and get out of here. speaking of "jersey shore" i just heard that j-wow and snooki are getting

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, thank you very much. thank you, everybody. thank you so much. i appreciate it. thank you. that's very, very nice. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," you guys. clearly, you're feeling good. thanks for that reception. [ cheers and applause ] you guys came on a very special night for us. it is our show's two-year anniversary. [ cheers and applause ] it's been two years all ready. just crazy thinking about being here for two years. i mean, when we started, jay leno was hosting "the tonight show." you know what i'm saying? it was -- [ laughter ] it's our two-year anniversary. tonight, we'll be throwing a big party at one of the country's hottest venues, sober valley lodge. [ laughter ] it's so exciting. poor charlie sheen. oh, man. charlie sheen, he's just -- just been doing interview after interview after interview. he was even up at 4:

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you so much! very, very nice. thank you very, very much. welcome, everybody. welcome, welcome. settle down. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." have fun tonight. [ cheers and applause ] it's gonna be good. everyone, tonight was the ncaa championship. that's right, there were some incredible matchups over the weekend. butler vs. vcu uconn vs kentucky. >> uconn! [ scattered applause ] charlie sheen vs. detroit. it was -- [ laughter and applause ] charlie sheen's getting bad reviews for that show in detroit. and ticket prices are dropping fast for his new york shows. that explains why today, i saw a scalper going "40 bucks for charlie sheen tickets! that's right, i'll give you 40 bucks to take my charlie sheen tickets. just take them. give 40." [ cheers and applause ] this is -- this is a crazy story. it's true, though. southwest air

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. that's a great new york city crowd right here. welcome. welcome, everybody, to "late night with jimmy fallon." are you -- are you guys excited for march madness? [ cheers ] we have some great, great match-ups this year. we've got arizona versus memphis, we got temple versus penn state, charlie sheen versus the evil trolls trying to destroy him. [ laughter ] let's hear what you make of this. charlie sheen announced that he's going on the road for a live theater tour. [ light laughter ] so, if you couldn't get tickets to "disney on ice," now you can get tickets to "charlie on snow." [ laughter ] that's what their calling it. [ applause ] this is pretty crazy. officials in florida found two pounds of weed hidden inside a shipment of peanut butter. [ light laughter ] yeah, and that's not including the weed they found t

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, hey, everybody! that's an audience. new york city. that's what they do. they bring it. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. happy thursday. did you see this? today, the president of mexico, felipe calderon, visited the white house. he asked to meet with our country's biggest importer of mexican goods, charlie sheen. [ laughter ] everyone's talking about charlie sheen. in an interview with "people" magazine, charlie said he doesn't care if people think he's crazy. well, what he actually said was "he was a warlock master protecting his goddesses from trolls armed with cocktail forks," but we got the message. we understand what he's talking about. listen to this you guys, a new report found that the u.s. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs. while another report found that the u.s. spends more than $5 bi

welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. thank you so much.come to the show. [ cheers ] guys, i -- i am so excited. we have tiger woods on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] right. the one man out there who can actually say he's filled with tiger blood. [ laughter ] it's just insane. charlie sheen is, apparently, moving into a house next door to paris hilton. [ light laughter ] cops are thrilled. now, they could send one car. use it like a super shuttle. so, are you picking up both or just one of them? [ light laughter ] you guys see this? today, president obama went on espn to announce his ncaa tournament picks. or, as japan put it, "really?" [ laughter ] you're kidding me. who -- who is advising the president of the united states? [ laughter ] listen to this. secretary of state, hillary clinton, visited egypt today for the first time since the uprising. when asked why she was going, one guy was like, -- [ impersonates bill clinton ] "trust me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it's hillary." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] darryl h

but they ain't no union. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. >> don't test me, jimmy fallon! wisconsin remains unstable. >> jimmy: let's put differences aside and come back to the table. ♪ ♪ soon as -- the blue collar ceases ♪ ♪ we're all facing cuts like the hair on justin bieber ♪ ♪ then try to put ourselves in the other guys shoes ♪ ♪ and that is how we slow jam the news ♪ >> oh yeah. >> jimmy: give it up for brian williams and the roots, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hey, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] brian williams, the man. we have a great show tonight. i'm so glad you're watching. a really talented young actress, and one of our favorite guests, abigail breslin is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] a person that i'm actually afraid of, mike tyson is joining us! [ cheers and applause ] the man! and another band i'm afraid of, the great music from the one and only motorhead, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] "ace of spades." wow. also, today is our two-year anniversary here at "late night with jimmy fallon." and it's weird it feels like it's

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >>> jimmy: oh, very nice! thank you so much. great new york city crowd. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. i'm so excited. [ cheers ] i'm so excited, you guys -- today was the first round of the nfl draft. [ cheers ] yeah, i celebrated by going into my man cave, breaking out a six pack and watching five straight hours of royal wedding coverage. [ laughter ] it was -- [ cheers ] speaking of the royal wedding, listen to this -- a man in the u.k. got pictures of prince william and kate middleton tattooed on his two front teeth. [ laughter ] i don't know. it just seems like such an unclassy idea for a tooth tattoo. [ laughter ] some more news out of england, mtv is coming out with a british version of "jersey shore." [ laughter and groans ] everyone's excited. today even the guards at buckingham palace were like -- [ laughter ] [ cheers an

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody! wow! new york city great -- great new york city crowd. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. [ cheers ] this is going to be fun. this is kind of funny, did you guys see this? it was kind of funny. president obama had to use another door to get into the white house yesterday after he got home and the oval office was locked. [ light laughter ] yeah. when he couldn't get in, obama was like, "holy cow, is it 2012 all ready?" [ laughter and ohs ] i was just reading about this. abc is not pressing charges against chris brown for smashing the window in his dressing room. [ booing ] unfortunately though, microsoft is suing him for violating their patent on crashing windows. they're like, "that's what we do! [ laughter ] that's what we do, buddy! watch it! enough is enough." [ scattred applause ] [ laughter ] i don't know

jimmy: that could be good, you guys. right? maybe? [ cheers and applause ] >> you could have your fallon fan official costume. >> jimmy: the would be thendation. >> jimmy: but --and thank you. but the foundation is a good name. >> the terrible fallon foundation. >> jimmy: i thought you meant my fans would be called the foundation. >> oh, ew, i don't think you want to have a cult. >> jimmy: yeah. there you go. too culty, i'm not going to do that. >> they might blow your building up. >> jimmy: yeah, let's not do that. that's not fun for halloween. they already throw eggs at me. >> oh no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's all right. it's fun. >> as long as it's not mustard gas, you're fine. >> jimmy: no, exactly. that's what i always tell them. that's what i always tell them. after i throw eggs. hey, it's not mustard gas. >> it's not mustard gas. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: hey, uh --"ceremony." let's talk about this movie. >> yes. yes. >> jimmy: it's a special --it's a cool movie with a very kind of quirky and fun. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i really liked it a lot. very cool. >> i loved it. >> jimmy: could you explain it in a couple sentences? >> i

welcome -- welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," you guys. am so excited. [ scattered cheers ] you guys, baseball season has finally started. here it is. [ cheers and applause ] but get this, but get this. a new study found that the number of kids playing baseball has shrunk 24%. yeah. barry bonds is like, "big deal, i've shrunk like 50%." [ laughter ] what's the big deal? [ applause ] this is big, you guys. tlc will start airing new episodes of "kate plus 8" starting this monday. [ scattered cheers ] and they're going to keep airing them until gadhafi agrees to step down from power. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] more tv news. mtv is coming out with a new show that gives people sex advice. >> yeah! >> jimmy: basically it's just "jersey shore" with the word "don't" at the bottom of the screen. [ laughter ] don't, don't. speaking of "jersey shore," this weekend snooki will be part of a six-person tag team at "wrestlemania." yeah. it's just like every weekend snooki has except for the words "at 'wrestlemania.'" [ laughter ] [ cheers and a

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. that is new york city -- new york city crowd. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. what a great crowd. new york -- big news, you guys. thank you. big news. thank you very much. the big news, everybody, the bronx cobra has finally been found. [ cheers and applause ] they found him. the cobra story has been crazy. officials at the bronx zoo tried to lure the missing cobra out of hiding with live mice. that makes sense. [ light laughter ] i mean, where else would that cobra find mice in new york city, right? [ light laughter ] i'm so excited. today was opening day for major league baseball, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] everybody is in the spirit. in fact, even charlie sheen was like, "buy me some peanuts and crack." [ laughter and applause] this is cool, you guys. larry king will throw out the

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody. how you doing tonight? that's an audience. new york city audience. thank you so much. oh, my gosh. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. welcome, welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." or as nbc is calling it, "the royal wedding pre-pre-pre-show." [ cheers ] [ laughter ] everybody's talking about the royal wedding. get this. apparently, kate middleton is planning to do her own makeup. [ audience oohs ] yeah. so, aside from the castle, the jewels, limousines, the mansions, the servants and butlers, she's basically just like us, you guys. [ laughter ] i just saw this. the libyan government says moammar gadhafi is still in high spirits, even though his compound was destroyed this week. most people would be devastate. but here's the thing, he's insane. [ laughter ] you see this?

welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." thank you so much.hat a great new york city crowd. [ cheers and applause ] hope you're feeling good. it's friday. this is pretty crazy, you guys. there are reports coming out that moammar gadhafi got hair plugs and face injections 16 years ago, so that's why he looks so good, in case you're wondering. [ laughter ] i don't know what to make of this, instead of calling our mission in libya "a war," the white house is calling it "kinetic military action." you know, just like that game you played as a kid -- "one, two, three, four, i declare a thumb kinetic military action." this week joe biden visited yankee spring training and said, "this is what i wanted to do with my life." [ laughter ] of course, when biden said that, he was playing that game on the scoreboard where you pick which hat has the baseball in it. he's like -- [ humming ] "it's number two! it's number two! no, no, i'm going to quick change. number three! two? darn it! i can't believe it!" listen to this, a corporation in canada is buying the

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you! that's a great crowd. great new york city crowd. thank you guys, so much. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. welcome to "late night," everybody. hey, spring is -- [ scattered cheers ] spring -- spring is just a couple weeks away. and everyone is trying to shed those winter pounds. some people are doing pilates, some are doing aerobics. and charlie sheen, duh, spinning. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] spinning. yeah, he's still everywhere. in an interview with "people" magazine, charlie sheen's two girlfriends said they each connect with charlie in different ways. [ laughter ] i'm not touching that. i'm not touching that. no, that's what i would say if i was in charlie sheen's house. i would say, "i'm not touching that." [ light laughter ] check this out, panasonic is coming out with a n

"lick it for ten" is a registered trademark of jimmy fallon. >> jimmy: hey, how you doing buddy? your names, and where are you from? >> michelangelo costello, jersey city. >> jimmy: hey, good man. very good. >> christina from long island. >> jimmy: very good. >> tim pets from hoboken. >> jimmy: very cool. >> christina montessero from long island. >> michael costello from jersey city. >> and tim pets from hoboken, new jersey. >> christina montessero. >> tim pets. >> michael. >> christina montessero. >> tim pets. >> christina montessero. christina montessero. >> michael. >> christina montessero. ♪ >> michael. >> christina montessero. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: getting ready to get promoted to the head of the licking department? >> yes. >> jimmy: all right. higgins, what will contestant number one be licking today? ♪ >> announcer: well, jimmy, it's a sheet of 60 grit sandpaper. [ audience groans ] you'll feel like you're french kissing a leopard when you lick this item. it's great for smoothing out a rough patch on your wood or putting ten bucks in your wallet. it's a pack of

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my man! [ cheers and applause ] what happened? oh, man. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," you guys. oh, that's a crowd. [ cheers and applause ] that is a great crowd already. thank you. hope you guys are feeling good. welcome to the show, everybody. welcome. [ scattered cheers ] some big news, you guys. it turns out the white house might have to lay off staff members if the government shuts down on friday. it's really bad news for non-essential workers. you know, interns, pages, biden. you know? [ light laughter ] things are a mess in washington. yesterday, president obama said he doesn't have time for games with republicans on a budget deal. this is bad news for that new video game, wii "budget deal." [ laughter ] did you hear this? it's rumored that brad pitt and angelina jolie have adopted a child from tunisia. [ scattered cheers ]

the power copyright criminals we've gotta fight the powers that be ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy fallon everybody. [ cheers and applause ] stay-tuned for "carson daly." thanks for watching. have a good night. hope to see you tomorrow! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! thank you very much. you guys -- that's a crowd. new york city is the best crowd. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. last night, uconn beat butler 53-41 -- [ cheers ] -- in one of the lowest scoring ncaa championship games in history. i haven't seen anyone in college have that much trouble scoring since -- me. [ laughter ] it was such a boring game, the arena's jumbotron actually switched over to "dancing with the stars." [ laughter ] here's some political news. the white house said that president obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it. just like he did with being president. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] oh, man. oh, my. >> steve: oh, no, you didn't! >> jimmy: this isn't good, you guys. michael buble's house was burglarize

smitties -- this is a great word. >> somebody just sent me, they just sent me you talking about me on jimmy fallony funny. >> jimmy: let's talk about this now. i want to talk -- you're on hbo now. >> that's right. >> jimmy: this is a giant night. >> it's a big night, april 9th. do you know what day of the week that is. >> sure. [ laughter ] no. >> jimmy: no, you don't know. but if its -- you should actually have a big party. >> yeah, i should. >> jimmy: get together -- and really, have the colin quinn tailgate party, april 9th. >> yeah, i've move korum, we're gonna have the whole thing. >> jimmy: yeah. invite korum and the whole -- >> boggy bon out -- >> jimmy: super funny but basically, let explain it so people understand before you flab something. [ laughter ] colin, explain to everybody what it is, "long story short," you basically did a history of the earth. >> yes, the history of the planet. all the empires -- >> jimmy: but it is the earth. >> well, that's where you're wrong jimmy. [ laughter ] when i was prepping my research, the earth and the planet are two different things. >> jimmy: yes,

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh -- that's it right there! that is a great crowd. welcome, everybody. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." [ cheers and applause ] oh, it feels good to be back. feels good to be back. we're live. we have been off for two weeks and i have to say, it was pretty nice just sleeping in every day. yeah. i was at my second job as an air traffic controller. [ laughter ] [ snores ] it is fun. hey, president obama hosted the annual white house easter egg roll today. yeah. it was a little awkward though. donald trump showed up and demanded to see each egg's birth certificate. [ laughter and ohs ] it was like, i don't know where this egg came from. of course, jewish people spent the last week observing passover. meanwhile, the knicks spent today observing "it's over." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] don't give it to me. don't give it to me. here

jimmy fallon is cut short. don't worry. get up at 1:00 art

so jimmy fallon made up that with steven colbert, if $25,000 was raised for jimmy fallon charity donors>> i like it. >> lots of stuff going on. >> i love that show. >> he's a doll. >> what is rebecca black's future? >> i think recording contracts. will she be the next beib? >> who is the first beib? >> justin bieber. >> oh. right. >> snooki. there was a lot of talk about snooki. she got 32 grand speaking at rutgers. >> toni morrison speaking at the commencement. >> i don't think they know who toni morrison is. >> you think? snooki's advice was study hard but party harder. >> and she got $32,000? >> look, it's a statement about our society. >> you encourage it. >> don't turn this on me, ladies. >> yes. >> you're giving the people what they want. that's our job. >> you're not boozing it up on this show? >> constantly. we are loaded by 10 to 10. you know what i'm saying. this is what culture seems to want now, right? >> yes. >> let's talk about the victoria's secret model. >> it she too thin? let's take a look at it. victoria secret has been known for its curves. not a lot of curves here.

catch matt last night on late night with jimmy fallon? obviously if true lauer style. made quite a fashion statement in that morning suit that all the guys will be wearing at the wedding. i like that, matt. where is the monaco? >> jimmy had it. he looked like a planter's peanut guy, i looked like a monopoly guy. try everything i can. go ahead. >> i got my hat today. i was going let you know. >> oh, good. i seal see it tomorrow. >> you will. just ahead, princess diana's legacy. as much as they did. (girl) it's really hogwarts! because i can fly with harry! because i love seeing him like this! (screaming) ahhhhh! (narrator) from unforgettable adventures to the wizarding world of harry potter, only at universal orlando resort. to the wizarding world of harry potter, you gotta try honey bunches of oats with almonds! it's got real, sliced california almonds with a third less sugar per serving than honey nut cheerios. wow! delicious! try honey bunches of oats with almonds! >>it's breakfast ont the go! want some? negative. commencing standard breakfast procedure. sfx: bzzzzzzz

sunday comes afterwards ♪ >> reporter: including this one by stephen colbert, performed on "the jimmy falloninal video. of them, some 300,000 liked it. but more than 2 million disliked it. some of the comments are violent, too. for instance, one suggests black, "go die in a hole." >> it's shocking to me to have all these people that don't even know who i am can say such nasty things. >> reporter: although the anaheim police acknowledge the death threats may be mean-spirited snipes, authorities are taking it seriously. >> specifically, they mention that they were going to take her life. that's where you have to draw the line. >> reporter: for a young woman enjoying her first taste of fame, a glimpse at the dark side of celebrity. for "good morning america," david wright, abc news, los angeles. >> oh, my goodness. we appreciate david bringing that to us. >>> you want to start your own video. what were you singing? ♪ it's thursday it's thursday ♪ ♪ going to get down on thursday ♪ >> i don't know if 100 million people will watch us right now, like they did with that video. we'll have to see. >>>

and performers are set to appear at the monster music festival including black eyed peas and jimmy fallon'sg of postponing outdoor plans, you'll want to get them done today. in the 40s in the north bay, 47 in napa. we're expecting 60s, 67 in san jose, 68 in gilroy. if anything tomorrow, showers will be very light, mostly in the north bay. >>> i'm talking about the south bay right now. slow northbound 280, that's been a problem since a couple of earlier accidents. they've all cleared from the roadway. 101 still sticking around. we're looking at highway 4 westbound still very slow headed toward summersville. new accident reported in that area as well. the bay bridge, very light volume. >>> thanks so much, mike. we'll have another local news update in about half an hour. the "today" show is back in about a minute. gasoline that cleans. chevron with techron. care for your car. captions paid for byn. nbc-universal television >>> hey, everybody. so glad you're with us today. it's booze day, tuesday april 12th. it's national licorice day. >> i'm addicted right now to licorice. cass gives me the tw

jimmy fallon was there and john stewart. that was sara mclaughlin. she performed at the end.lls on being al. he said i got out really late but brings it in the morning. >> good for him. >> i like this time of the show. >> it's friday funny. i was supposed to do this last week but i haven't practiced it. as a little boy waited for his mother to come out of the grocery store he was approached by a man who asked, son, can you tell me where the post office is? sure, go down the street two blocks and turn to your left. the man thanked the boy kindly and said, i am the new pastor in town and i would like you and your family to come to church on sunday. i'll show you how to get to heaven. the little boy said, how can you do that? you don't even know the way to the post office? >> i liky. you know what it's time for? >> bobbi's buzz. >> hi, girl. we all got the nude shoe memo. that is a perfect segue for buzz. >> i like your mood music, by the way. >> sole society.com is a new shoe blob you can go online, sign up, fill out a style bio and they'll pick shoes for you every month. you c