. >> dicky: it's the "jimmy kimmel live" fantasy league. presented by gmc. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. >> and i'm cousin sal. >> jimmy: the regular season is done. and you know what that means? >> playoff football. >> jimmy: let's go and see what happened in the regular season. j.b. smoove unplugs the fridge, putting team perry's postseason dreams to rest. >> jimmy: the sports guy nearly doubled team she herald's score. >> the fighting kimmels fall to mchale. and he will not make the playoffs. >> i could care less. >> jimmy: and finally, kristen bell's squad snabed the final playoff spot with a convincing win over team carolla. let's look at the postseason. >> "jimmy kimmel live" fantasy league playoff bracket. brought to you by gmc! >> team simmons plays team bell. team kimmel plays team shepard. that's it. >> dicky: to follow all the playoff action, go to the "jimmy kimmel live" youtube channel and click on fantasy league for scores, videos and more. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with music from the temper trap, be

. >> dicky: it's the "jimmy kimmel live" fantasy league. presented by gmc. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. >> and i'm his cousin sal. >> jimmy: the regular season is winding down and the playoff race is -- what is it, winding up. >> up, i think. >> jimmy: okay. let's go to the scores. adam nips the fridge, creating a three-way tie for the last playoff spot with just one week left to play. >> dax shepard dumps j.b. smoove to put himself one win away from one of four coveted post-season spots. >> jimmy: the sports guy bill simmons wrapped up the regular season title with a tight win, over joel mchale who will not make the postseason. >> and finally, team kimmel beats team bell and clinches a playoff berth with a third straight win. >> jimmy: thank you for mentioning that, cousin sal. and as kristin bell can tell you kimmel puts the "k" in class. i beat you. that's devastating to your playoff hopes and -- >> just back off a little bit. >> why don't you just back off? >> back off. >> jimmy: you need the fridge to fight you? >> i don't need him.

, here's jimmy kimmel!and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy, thank you for watching. and i want to wish a happy first night of hanukkah to our jewish viewers. tonight is the first night of eight nights of celebrating and misspelling hanukkah. maybe there is no wrong way to spell it. because you can spell it start with an h or a ch. you can have either one or two ns in the middle. you can have one or two ks in the middle and you can end it with or without an h, your choice. i think even spilling it what ka khan is acceptable. very flexible word. the story behind hanukkah is at i understand it, there was only enough oil to keep the men morra lit for one night but the oil lasted for eight nights. and, i guess that's a big deal? it's -- let's be honest. as far as religious miracles go it's not exactly the resurrection of the easter bunny, but it's fun for the kids. our super governor arnold schwarzenegger celebrated with jewish leaders in sacramento this morning. he was at the 17

what a lame fantasy. >> dicky: to follow all the action all season long, go to the "jimmy kimmel live" youtube channel and click on fantasy league for scores, videos and more. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with paul bettany, music from little big town and helen mirren. ♪ [ pop ] right now at h&r block, you could get up to $9,999, and you could get it fast. just bring in your tax information... and get a refund anticipation check. you pay nothing out of pocket. h&r block. never settle for less. this is android, which powers the evo. this is something nice someone said about the evo. so is this. ♪ and this. and all this. and this is something really, really nice that someone said about the evo. well, we thought it was nice. this is the htc evo 4g. with speech disabilities, deaf, hard-of-hearing and people only from sprint, the now network. access www.sprintrelay.com. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- helen mirren. from "the tourist," paul bettany. and music from little big town. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >>

>> jimmy: i know -- me. >> jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: you did a movie in china recently. >> i did. >> jimmy> well, first of all, not a lot of people spoke english on the crew. >> jimmy: almost all chinese? >> right, yeah. and in fact it made me the first western actor that has ever starred in a fully financed chinese film. >> jimmy: really? wow. >> so i've -- do you speak -- >> i don't know what that means, so -- >> jimmy: do you speak chinese in the film? >> i speak a little mandarin in the film. i had to swear in mandarin in the film. i won't say it here -- >> jimmy: we don't want to upset the mandarins. >> it sounds like a new series. "the mandarins." but it was an incredible place to go. we were in a place which is formally canton, and i -- the food was incredible. >> jimmy: my only knowledge of chinese is from the food, like, you say canton. i think, canton neez, that's delicious. so, when they're over there, do they know you? >> no, this was the funny part. in china, they only are allowed to show 25 foreign films from outside china. and apparently none of my films have gotten past the

here's jimmy kimmel!nd applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for being here and for watching and for undressing me with your eyes. i don't mind it. hey, something amazing happened last night on monday night football. i don't know if you saw this. the jets played the patriots. it was a blowout. and not just on the field. it was windy in foxboro and that is robert kraft. the patriots owner. now, next to him is donald trump. and donald's hair appears to be trying to escape from his head. [ laughter ] have to say, when i saw it, i said, i feel like i've been waiting my whole life to see this video. let's take a look at it again, if we could, it's -- there the crowd doing the wave and the -- whoa! and looks like, oh, they're going to go around and -- whoa! there it goes. his hair is more into the game than he is. [ cheers and applause ] to me, this -- incredible. see, now, anyone who thought donald trump's hair was fake, not only isn't it fake, it's alive. [ laughter

jimmy kimmel! use ] >> jimmy: thanks. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you, cleto. thank you for watching. thank you for clearing. i tell you what, you wouldn't know it from being here. but it is freezing in much of the country. the big snowstorm that covered the midwest over the past couple of days is now moving south. it's dipped into the 20s in parts of florida. new york and pennsylvania are still expecting two feet of snow. i don't note how she did it, but the whole country has suddenly turned into "sarah palin's alaska." a cold miser or something. but here in l.a., it -- well, it got down to the 60s this morning. which doesn't sound cold but i got the worst brain freeze from a slurpee that i bought last night at midnight. so i can empathize. you know what i like to do when it's chilly out? >> cleto: what's that? >> jimmy: chilllax. the bad weather has led to a large number of flight delays. there are airports closed because of the cold. tsa workers have been forced to grope each other

hi, could we get an order over here at "jimmy kimmel live," as fast as possible? >> fried chicken. >> jimmy: my uncle wants fried chicken. okay, all right, it's on its way. >> good. wow. look at this. unbelievable. there you go. thanks. there you go. happy holidays. and there's your fried chicken. >> how did you know i wanted that, jim? >> jimmy: a little bird told me. a little batter-fried bird. >> oh, zam -- slam. slam. slam! >> jimmy: say it three more times and we'll see if we go it. >> i can't see it! >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with sean "diddy" combs, music from diddy dirty money and jeff bridges. slam! it's your fault. naturally, blame the mucus. well, i can't breathe. did you try blowing your nose? of course. [ both ] and nothing came out. instead of blaming me, try new advil congestion relief. what you probably have is swelling due to nasal inflammation, not mucus. and this can help? it treats the real problem of your sinus symptoms, reducing swelling due to nasal inflammation. so i can breathe. [ mucus ] new advil congestion reli

. >> jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: you did a movie in china recently. >> i did. >> jimmy: and what is it like shooting in china? >> well, first of all, not a lot of people spoke english on the crew. >> jimmy: almost all chinese? >> right, yeah. and in fact it made me the first western actor that has ever starred in a fully financed chinese film. >> jimmy: really? wow. >> so i've -- do you speak -- >> i don't know what that means, so -- >> jimmy: do you speak chinese in the film? >> i speak a little mandarin in the film. i had to swear in mandarin in the film. i won't say it here -- >> jimmy: we don't want to upset the mandarins.

♪ it's jimmy kimmel live and now what do you know here's jimmy kimmel! cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> hi, everyone. i'm jimmy. i lost the button. that's what i was looking for. if you see my button, will you retrieve that for me? i feel nude without my buttons. actually, i was out visiting my parents this weekend. and my mother's reminded me of a story where she convinced us she had no bellybutton. we were stupid and so we believed that -- and ever since then, i've clung to my button for dear life. it was a very special day today. it was a day of great anticipation for every american with the ability to read. the final official book club selection on "the oprah winfrey show." after this year, oprah's leaving and she's sworn never to read again. there was much speculation about which selection she would select. here it was. >> i'm about to announce my next book club selection. it will be number 65. my new book for you is "knitting with dog hair." [ cheers and applause ] it's dog hair for the holidays. >> jimmy: wasn't that last year's pi

merry christmas, jimmy kimmel. have you been naughty or nice? >> jimmy: i've been nice. >> oh -- okay. here you go. ho, ho, ho. >> jimmy: can i open it now? there's nothing in it. >> yeah, i know. album. go to target.com to download it. >> jimmy: but that's free. you got me a gift that target gives away for free? >> jimmy, the best things in life are free. ho, ho, ho. merry christmas. see you next year. >> jimmy: see you next year, santa. be very careful getting up the -- hey, santa? santa? you just go out the door. >> oh, okay. >> jimmy: all right. that's not -- >> dicky: in the spirit of merriment, target is giving you holiday songs available by free download on target.com/holidayalbum. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with garrett hedlund, music from darker my back in two minutes with garrett hedlund, music from darker my love and rachael ray. huh. yeah, plus every vw includes scheduled carefree maintenance. really? that's great. there you go. oh, that guy's pretty good too. yeah, he's ok. [ male announcer ] it's amazing what

, here's jimmy kimmel!applause ] >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, thank you. welcome to the show. thank you for watching at home. that's very nice of you. you make me feel like the opposite of lebron james returning to cleveland. before we get to that, though, some stunning news from the world of soccer this morning. today, fifa, the world governing body of soccer awarded the 2018 and 2022 world cups to russia and the tiny nation of qatar, which is -- totally qatarded, i think. [ laughter ] the announcement was made this morning as the world held its collective breath. >> so, the 2018 fifa world cup, 2018 fifa world cup, ladies and gentlemen, will be organized in russia. >> jimmy: they seem happy. so, that's good, i guess. the final vote wasn't even close. qatar beat the united states 14-8 and i don't want to point fingers, but this celebrity endorsement probably didn't help. >> in a country that admired individual achievement, we truly come together as a group. and there is no stronger, more resolute supporter -- i'm

here's jimmy kimmel! cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: happy early thanksgiving to each and every one of you. thank you for sharing it with me and with my husband guillermo. it's a pleasure to have you here. you know what tonight is? thanksgiving eve, you realize? this is the one-year anniversary of the last time tiger woods had sexual intercourse. what a day this has got to be for him. in my family we don't give thanks anymore. we give big ups. we celebrate big ups-giving. we like to keep it fresh. thanksgiving commemorates the day in 1621 when native americans and pilgrims came together to share a meal. it was kind of the first pot luck dinner. you bring the maize, we'll bring the smallpox. and from there on -- president lincoln made it a national holiday in 1863 and almost 150 years later, this morning at the white house, president obama granted the traditional pardons of the turkey. two turkeys, in fact. i would have loved to have been able to watch this with real prisoners on death row. hey, look, he's

jimmy kimmel!use ] >> jimmy: hi there, thank you for watching. thank you, cleto. thank you for those who have journeyed from far away places. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the program. and i'm also barbara walters' 11th most fascinating person of 2010. i just missed the cut for the show, but happy to be in the top 20 anyway. tonight, barbara walters hosted her 18th ten most fascinating people of the year special. included on the list, sarah palin, betty white, justin bieber, the cast of "jersey shore." i read articles today that complained about the cast there. they're only on the show because barbara is dating the situation. it was funny watching barbara interview them. it was like watching jane goodall communicate with her chimpanzees. barbara conducted a very personal interview with oprah winfrey. they released excerpts of the interview yesterday. a lot was made of the fact that oprah cried and the fact she denied she was a lesbian. she did. she denied. i was surprised to see b

"jimmy kimmel live" is next. lllt

. >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> think there will be more hookups in seaside. jersey girls are a little easier. >> grenade whistle! >> jimmy: i saw the movie, it came out really good. >> oh, yeah, oh, good. >> jimmy: nobody licks any balls in this one, but i think it's fun -- >> did they lick balls in the original? >> jimmy: not that i remember. i'll have to look at the dvd extras. >> name something everyone knows about abram what lincoln. >> [ bleep ] the slaves. >> the slaves. >> woo, yeah, i love it. yeah! >> i just write personal poems. >> jimmy: is that right? >> i don't give gifts anymore. >> jimmy: terrible news for your friends. diddy dirty money. ♪ >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with sean "d "diddy" combs, diddy dirty money "d "diddy" combs, diddy dirty money and music from jeff bridges. exa so i bought k-y kissable sensations for the body. jeff bridges. chocolate for her. mdiddy dirty money and jeff bridges. uhjsdidd money and jeff bridges. diddy di money and jeff bridges. diddy di money and jeff bridges. diddy di money and jeff brid

♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, from what i've gathered, here's jimmy kimmel! cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, thank you for coming. thank you for watching. is it christmas yet? if you're a turkey or a sweet potato and you're still alive today, congratulations on making it through the weekend. i did some research over the weekend. it turns out it's not the turkey that makes you fall asleep. it's actually the result of being drunk at 4:00 in the afternoon on a thursday. i hope you had a fine thanksgiving. i had a weird -- one of my native american friends turned into a werewolf and ate all my it was very upsetting. other than that, though, it was great. this is pretty good. from a local morning show in san diego. on wednesday, they had a guy on to do turkey calls. i guess in case instead of going to the supermarket you wanted to lure one into your home. but i don't know what the reason was. watch very closely for what happened at the end here. >> one way to do a turkey call is with this gobbler and it has a little diaphragm in it that all

. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. the place to be for the big professional championship game i'm not legally allowed to mention by name is the bud light hotel. >> -- after the kickoff. >> jimmy: guillermo, i hear you, but where are you? >> behind you! >> jimmy: oh. >> i am in my bud light hotel. i made it myself. >> jimmy: oh. why did you do that, guillermo? >> because i cannot wait to get to the real bud light hotel. parties every night. the official playboy party and concert with keisha and nelly. i build my own hotel out of cases of bud light. one for every day until the big game. >> that's just about the dumbest idea i've ever heard in my life. but the results speak for themselves. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: now, can you move it, because i don't want anyone to get confused. the bud light hotel isn't in hollywood, it's going to be in dallas, not here. so if you could just move that. >> are you sure? >> jimmy: positive, yeah. >> okay, the bud light hotel. i'll see you in february. >> jimmy: jimmy kimmel live b

here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome to the show.e program. thank you for your warmth. thank you for, well, thank you for watching. i hope you're ready for christmas because the christmas season kicked off officially tonight with the lighting of the christmas tree at rockefeller center in new york. hundreds of thousands of people gathered in the cold to see the tree, and then times square, a month from now, they will gatter in the cold again to see the big silver ball. you know, we're really not that much different from dogs, when you think about it. if someone shook a giant set of keys over our heads we would probably watch that, too. it fun to see, i guess, and it was a spectacular site to behold. >> all right, let's light this tree! >> here we go! >> five, four, three, two, one -- yeah! >> jimmy: they cut back a little bit on the size because of the economy. of course, the tree, of course, was enormous. this year, it was a 74-foot tall norway spruce. and it came from a special place. it was cut from the backyard of a new york city

but here's jimmy kimmel with what's next on "jimmy kimmel live." >> tonight, mark wahlberg, beau garrett the temper trap, and frosty the snowman meets maury the povich. "jimmy kimmel live" is next. [ alarm clock buzzing, indistinct conversations ] [ female announcer ] important events can sneak up on you. oh, i am not ready. can i have a couple weeks? you could be ready. you could lose 5 pounds in 2 weeks when you replace breakfast and lunch with a fru, ain, and yoplait light. betsy bets. you haven't changed a bit. oh...neither have you... sean.

should appear, here's jimmy kimmel!plause ] >> jimmy: well, hello there, i'm jimmy, thank you for coming, thank you for watching. happy holidays to everyone. as i think everyone's probably heard about 30 times today, christmas is only ten days awee -- away, rather. awee? i just gave away what i asked santa for. now i don't get it, right, isn't that how it works? there's still time for last-minute shopping. which let me tell you something, ten days before christmas isn't last-minute shopping. if you are buying a birthday present ten days in advance, you'd feel like you're way ahead. why is ten days before christmas last-minute shopping? 6:00 on christmas eve, that's last minute. that's -- that's when i kick into gear, but here is an interesting holiday fact. did you know the word "mistletoe" is derived from an anglo-saxon word, "mistle," meaning dung, and "ton," meaning twig. which means you're making out under a crap merry christmas. the things you learn from these words, you know? tonight after the show, we're having o

later, jimmy kimmel mocking me and using christmas to do it. uh-oh.er these messages. ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] print from any mobile vice so your ideas can be there even when you're not. introducing the new web-connected printers with eprint from hp. john: yea, well, there you go. beth: yea, so what else is new? john: well, i just changed my medicare plan. beth: open enrollment? john: yup. i compared plans and found better coverage for me. beth: of course you noticed the new benefits we get under the new healthcare law. john: what? beth: well, like 50 percent off brand name prescription drugs for people who are in the donut hole. john: really? i didn't know that. beth: you have to keep up. john: come on. i'll keep up. anncr: it's open enrollment. time to compare and review plans at medicare.gov or call 1-800-medicare. >> bill: back of the book segment tonight, the great american news quiz. here they are, the epitome of brilliance fox news anchor martha maccallum from danville, ohio. and steve doocy representing representing a player from louisiana. be

later, jimmy kimmel mocking me and using christmas to do it. uh-oh.orts after these messages. ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] print from any mobile vice so your ideas can be there even when you're not. introducing the new web-connected printers with eprint from hp. pediatrician recommended pain reliever for children. plus, children's advil® brings fever down faster than children's tylenol®. choose children'advil®. relief you can trust. >> bill: back of the book segment tonight, the great american news quiz. here they are, the epitome of brilliance fox news anchor martha maccallum from danville, ohio. and steve doocy representing representing a player from louisiana. before we go doocy, did you notice that ms. martha here is tan. >> she is glowing. >> bill: isn't it december? are you with snooky in the tanning bed over there in jersey. >> snooky and i are good buddies. hanging out at the tanning sla is aloan on a regular basis. i will tell her you said hi. >> bill: maccallum is tan and there is no explanation. here is question number one, one of the goofiest

but first, here's the man who is up next, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: tonight, helen mirren, paul bettany we're bottling oprah tears. "jimmy kimmel live" is next.áñáñ >>> time for tonight's closing arguments. and the obama administration was back on its heels again today, warning fellow democrats that if they defea

but first, here's what's up next with jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: tonight, larry king, kate bosworth andgreg fitzsimmo fitzsimmons. it's going to be best hanukkah ever. "jimmy kimmel live" is next. ♪ i'm gonna get it, i know i'm gonna get it. ♪ ♪ i can't wait ♪ every little step, brings me closer to the gift. can't be late. ♪ ♪ rip it open in a second and it's time to play. ♪ ♪ i was up all night in anticipation feeling electric jewels of jubilation. ♪ ♪ yule tide carols from the local congregation. ♪ ♪ make it tough to hold my patience in check. ♪ ♪ is it time yet, is it time, i can't wait. ♪ ♪ is it time yet, is it time, i can't wait. ♪

but first, here's jimmy kimmel with what's coming up next. >> jimmy: jimmy. >> jimmy: tonight, larryng, kate bosworth and greg fitz similar mon. it's going to be the best hanukkah ever. "jimmy kimmel live" is next. hey, you got groceries! = = yeah! i thought we'd eat at home. save some money. $200 bucks? that's not saving! [jacks voice] at my place i'm bringing back the bonus jack. two patties, melting cheese and my secret sauce plus fries and a drink for only $3.99. i get it. you can eat lot cheaper atouar placthan y c]n at home. but do have this? i have dessert. what about this? ohhh. ohhhhhh. jack. that's for max. >>> and now, a final chapter of our story, when dan met dan. after an arrival full of hope, a

but first, jimmy kimmel with what's coming up next. jimmy? hair comes to life. it's a christmas miracle. "jimmy kimmel live" is next.

"jimmy kimmel live" is next.i saw all the jobs disappearing, i knew i needed to find a better way to support my daughter. at age forty, greg flowers went back to school. i got a job as a computer applications engineer. but now some in washington want regulations restricting access to career colleges and universities, denying opportunity to millions of people like greg, letting government decide who can go to college. it's my education, my job, it should be my choice. don't let washington get in the way.

we'll be right back but first, here's jimmy kimmel with what's coming up next. jimmy?mark wahlberg, beau garrett, music from the temper trap and frosty the snowman meets maury the povich. "jimmy kimmel live" is next. mmmm. you don't love me anymore do you billy? what? i didn't buy this cereal to sweet talk your taste buds it's for my heart health. so i can't have any? if you can deprive me of what can help lower my cholesterol... and live with yourself. right. mmm, i worry about your mother. cry herself to sleep every night over my arteries but have yourself a bowl. good speech dad. [ whimper ] [ male announcer ] honey nut cheerios tastes great and its whole grain oats can help lower cholesterol. bee happy. bee healthy.

we'll be right back, but first, here's jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: thank, cynthia.açaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaçaça [ female announcer ] give yourself the gift of time with the kfc festive feast. twelve pieces of the colonel's hand breaded original recipe chicken.

but first, here's jimmy kimmel with what's coming up next. >> jimmy: tonight, music from darius ruckerurns to cleveland, and next year's armless oscar co-host, james franco, and "this week in unnecessary censorship." "jimmy kimmel live" is next.c [ female announcer ] give yourself the gift of time with the kfc festive feast. twelve pieces of the colonel's hand breaded original recipe chicken. with three sides and six biscuits for only $19.99. have a so good holiday.

we'll be right back but first, here's jimmy kimmel with what's coming up next. jimmy?mark wahlberg, beau garrett, music from the temper trap and frosty the snowman meets maury the povich. "jimmy kimmel live" is next. ♪ ♪ ten thousand watts of xmas cheer ♪ ♪ ten thousand watts glow brightly clear ♪ ♪ the colored lights will shine sincere, ho, ho, ho ♪ ♪ ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ♪