. >> dicky: tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- matt stone and trey parker. >> jimmy: when you think back on how upset these tv critics were about the cartoon and the anall probe and now we've come so far, i think they were right. you guys did ruin television. >> dicky: jessica capshaw. plus music from givers. >> jimmy: daniel? happy rosh hashanah. >> hi, it's fine. >> jimmy: okay. you better watch it over there. >> jimmy: okay. you bet[ female announcer ]ere. can a health insurance company be ahead of the curve and still completely behind you? dave thinks so. he's putting two kids through college. ♪ and aetna's payment estimatim lets him compare in in-network specialists and out-of-pocket costs. ♪ so he knows what to expect before getting the bill. money saved. ♪ see the savings. aetna.com. aetna. know more. get bbetter. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word about stubhub, the world's largest fan-to-fan ticket marketplace. where you can buy and sell tickets for sports, concerts and more even on the day of the event and even if it's sold out. stubhub is always where i -- g

. >> dicky: tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- matt stone and trey parker. >> jimmy: when you think back on how upset these tv critics were about the cartoon and the anall probe and now we've come so far, i think they were right. you guys did ruin television. >> dicky: jessica capshaw. plus music from givers. >> jimmy: daniel? happy rosh hashanah. >> hi, it's fine. >> jimmy: okay. you better watch it over there. >> it's i'm a curious seeker. i am a chemistry aficionado.f. diphenhydramine. magnesium hydroxide. atheletes foot.etes . yes. i'm a people pleaser. plea. if elected, i promise flu shots for all.for all. i am a walking medical dictionary.ionary. congratulations virgrgia.virgin. inflamed uvula.ed . i'm virginia.virginia. i'm a target pharmacist and i'm here to answer your questions.. be ahead of the curve and still completely behind you? dave thinks so. he's putting two kids through college. ♪ and aetna's payment estimator lets him compare in-network specialists and out-of-pocket costs. ♪ so he knows what to expect before getting the bill. money saved. ♪ see the savings.

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, in person, here's jimmy kimmelcheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for coming. thanks for watching. thanks for opening your hearts to my message of hope. i appreciate it. hey, we have a big weekend ahead of us. we have a very big weekend. a magical l rdashian wedding. yes, that's -- tell you something, i hope they remembered to hire a videographer. kim kardashian is getting married to an nba player. kris humphries of the new jersey nets. they're having a low-key affair at the best western in burbank. [ laughter ] you know how kim is. she didn't want to make a big deal out of it. the wedding will be huge multi-part internationally celebrated event televised on a two-part, four-hour special on the e! network. followed by an all-new "ice lov loves coco." there won't be a dry eye in the house, with the exception of bruce jenner who had his tear ducts removed ten plastic surgeries ago. the guests will have to go through metal detectors and hand

working this shift i've become a huge fan of jimmy kimmel.on hiatus before the new season started. just started on tuesday after labor day. he came back and during the break his uncle frank, who's been a fixture on that show since 2003, passed away. he was suffering from cancer. jimmy kimmel did the most beautiful show last night, the entire hour was dedicated to his uncle frank. you could see it was a rare, very emotional side of jimmy you got to see last night. take a look during the monologue. >> uncle frank loved being a part of this show. and i want to say thanks to my co-workers who talked to him and visited him. thanks to all of you who came to the show and who watched for indulging me and letting me put my crazy uncle on television. >> if you didn't see the episode, i'm sure they'll put it on youtube. very e etional, very well done. he had don rickles on, one of his favorite guests. uncle frank used to be a bodyguard for frank sinatra. you could fefe the love. >> straight from the heart, absolutely. abc.com will have that so people ca

. >> dicky: tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: if i was on "dancing with the stars rob kardashian, i would do a lot of this. >> dicky: eva longoria. >> oh, my gold. >> jimmy: you really

. >> dicky: tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: are you prepared to become the seconde world? >> dicky: mark wahlberg. >> you cano

. >> dicky: tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: play a suburban dad, which soundsous. he's just a really high healthcliff huxtable. >> dicky: steve buscemi. guillermo with emily

. >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: the president said we need to have more productstamped made in america. which -- all right. let's get the chinese to get a stamp that says made in america. >> dicky: khloe kardashian odom. >> smell my chest. >> jimmy: smells good. >> dicky: ron artest. >> jimmy: are you a good dancer? >> i'm very classy. >> dicky: and music from gabe dixon. >> jimmy: i don't wh

. >> dicky: tonight on an all new "jimmy kimmel live". >> jimmy: am i disappointed that no one got hit falling satellite this weekend? >> dicky: dana delany. >> exactly.

. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- simon cowell. >> jimmy: you think i've had work: i don't even do work. the whole kardashian clan came out to support rob. there was so many in the

. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- ellen pompeo. >> jimmy: so, your dad's side jimmy: yeah, right. >> dicky: fr

. >>> tonight on"jimmy kimmel live." >> ohm is extremely determined to help the unemployed because it'sly in a year or so, he's going to be one of them. >> drinks are on me!

. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- julie bowen. >> yo, yo, yo. tell simon cowell is coming back to tv when there's a shortage of black t-shirts at

. >> dicky: up next on an all new "jimmy kimmel live." >> football players in sparkly sequin vests withnderneath it. the name of the show could be "gay agenda." >> dr. phil mcgraw,

our friend, jimmy kimmel, paid loving tribute to uncle frank, his real life uncle frank potenza, theng security guard and sidekick on the show since day one. uncle frank died of cancer while the show was on break. >> uncle frank loved being apart of this show -- and i want to say thanks to my coworkers who talked to him and visited him and picked him up 12 hours early for work, he loved you. and thankskso all of you who came to the show and who watched for indulging me and letting me put my crazy uncle on television. >> uncle frank was 77. and uncle frank was simply wonderful. >>> and coming up, the shoes that tell the tale of one woman's astonishing story of survival on 9/11. óó sometimes life can be well, a little uncomfortable. but when it's hard or hurts to go to the bathroom, there's dulcolax stool softener. dulcolax stool softener doesn't make you go, it just makes it easier to go. dulcolax stool softener. make yourself comfortable. exclusive to the military. and commitment is not limited to one's military oath. the same set of values that drive our nation's military are the on

jimmy kimmel said nancy's last name considers a little ironic considering her performance. >> ouch. speaking of another "dancing with the stars" contestant, it turns out that buzz aldrin may be having a sex scandal. it turns out that he is moving on with a woman 30 years his junior. and his ex-wife of 23 years is calling the woman a predator. so aldrin is reportedly dating a 51-year-old former senior event marketing manager from borders books that he met at one of his book tours. it seems that they are hot and heavy. shave -- they've been spotted kissing in public and getting all -- >> he's divorced. what's the scandal. >> well that she's 36 years his junior. >> we're used to seeing that these days. the man has been to the moon. he can handle a younger woman. >> maybe he wants to take her to the moon. >> "two and a half men" of of course the premiere. charlie sheen's character killed off. and people tuned in in droves. 27.7 million people tuned in. that's up 110% over last fall's premiere. people knew it would be big but they didn't expect it to be that big. huge, huge numbers. you

very popular regular on kimmel's show. jimmy his uncle last night. take a look at what happened. >> as you may have heard, my uncle frank who -- already -- has been a fixture on our show since our first night on the air in january of 2003 passed away over our vacation. he hated vacation. so he decided to ruin ours. >> he died on august 23rd. he was 77 years old. to hear the fans talk about him, they were really, really upset. he sounded like such a sweet guy. very generous. obviously, very funny. we got to see him on the show all the time. i'm thinking we should all be remembered as fondly as uncle frank seems to be. >> and uncle frank, he's looking down, you know, totally recognizing how emotional jimmy got and also keeping a sense of humor. i mean, it was a beautiful mix there. all right. so speaking of a very interesting situation with celine dion and this guy that comes in and raids the fridge and draws a bath? >> well, you figure there's going to be good stuff in celine dion's fridge. here's the deal. celine dion and her fa

. >> dicky: tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- matt stone and trey parker. >> jimmy: when you were about the cartoon and the anall probe and now we've come so far, i think they were right. you guys d

. >> one of the people who spotted you earlier was jimmy kimmel. clip here from your memorable kanye west impression. >> all right. >> at most, his tweets are 140 characters. but the depth of his passion is immeasurable. ♪ fur pillows are hard to actually sleep on ♪ [ laughter ] >> that is genius. >> they're pretty classic tweets. his twitter feed was comedy gold anyway. >> can you do it? >> i've been asked in the past and politely turned it down because you can't top that. however, piers, you have some tweets that are mighty epic. >> i thought you would do this. >> you -- i feel that perhaps i might want to give some of your very dramatic, very passionate tweets the gravitas that they quite frankly deserve. oh, this one. i wish i had a piano because that would have made this a lot easier. this calls for an operatic -- "memo to all the spotty tax-dodging door-scrounging anarchists in london, please just give it a rest for today, can you ♪ ♪ thanks >> i like the thanks at the end. this is good. ♪ this parrot is the smartest animal i've ever seen, am

i think we have jimmy kimmel.you run for president, i will give you this bucket of chicken. extra crispy. >> oh, okay. >> really? >> i love you, chris christie! >> thank you. >> now, see, i know your first, i mean, you laugh, you do. but as you think about it, it's just so below the belt. >> it's really, really easy. as comics, we're not above, honestly, taking the easy shot. president obama has been a challenge for us comedically. no single take on that is easy. president bush couldn't speak english, we had that. chris christie, obvious what the jokes are going to be about. they're not smart. i hope if he really runs we get into debate. theo the obesity jokes, every day, he'll hear those. >> when you read any kind of blog or actually blog wheres they don't like siphon out the bad comments, you will see a lot of comments from people commenting on chris christie's weight because it makes it okay, that funny stuff. that makes it okay to do that instead of criticizing chris christie on the issues. >> that's my concer

jimmy kimmel, over to you. >> president obama is on the road.erday and north carolina today. there to get support for his american jobs act. obama is extremely determined to help the unemployed because it's looking increasingly likely in a year or so he's going to be one of them. even though i'm a great driver, and he's... not so much. well, for a driver like you, i would recommend our new snapshot discount. this little baby keeps track of your great driving habits, so you can save money. [sighs] amazing. it's like an extra bonus savings. [ cackling ] he's my ride home. how much can the snapshot discount save you? call or click today. i've got to tell susie ! the vending machine on elm is almost empty. i'm on it, boss. new pony ? sorry ! we are open for business. let's reroute greg to fresno. growing businesses use machine-to-mhine technology from verizon wireless. susie ! the vending machine... already filled. cool bike. because the business with the best technology rules. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa auto repair. gary... he hung up. ...why do we have