tonight -- joaquin phoenix. "science bob" pflugfelder. jake byrd, celebrity avenger with lindsay lohan. and music from primus. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, if that's not enough, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, everyone. thank you very much, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks for coming to visit. i want you to know, tonight, i'm planning to give at least 84%, which is a lot for me. [ applause ] it's more than oprah gives, i'll tell you that. lynn say lohan had a bad morning. as you probably know, she failed -- she failed a drug test order bid the court. this morning, she showed up for what she sought would be a hearing to schedule bail. instead, the judge denied bail and sent her straight to the lynnwood correctional facility to stay until her next hearing on october 22nd, which would give her almost no time to find a halloween costume. surprise to everyone, including her lawyers. happen in this kind of case. but the judge was tough. and i tell you what, i don't

joaquin phoenix, everybody. the real one.t back with science bob pflugfelder. ♪ ♪ [ engine revs, tires screeching ] we give to you the all-new volkswagen jetta. we have one more surprise for you. fifteen-thousand nine-hundred neunzig dollar? [ sobbing ] [ camera shutters clicking ] ♪ whoo-hoo, yeah ♪ whoo-hoo, yeah you've never held it in your hand, then unleashed it with a fingertip. never watched pixels whip by at 1 ghz and had your neurons struggle to keep up. you've never seen fast because you've never seen this. the droid incredible by htc. it's nothing short of its name. buy a droid incredible with flash and get any phone free. i always feed in the fall. but, it's the best time. feed your lawn in the fall. the fall feeding makes all the difference in the world. what the fall feeding does is build the roots.. that's when the roots sorta want nutrition. i give my lawn scotts winterguard. it's like a root building machine. it builds your lawn from the roots up. next year you get this! the stronger the roots, the stronger t

joaquin phoenix, everybody. the real one.t back with science bob pflugfelder. ♪ ♪ [ engine revs, tires screeching ] we give to you the all-new volkswagen jetta. we have one more surprise for you. fifteen-thousand nine-hundred neunzig dollar? [ sobbing ] [ camera shutters clicking ] ♪ whoo-hoo, yeah ♪ whoo-hoo, yeah you've never held it in your hand, then unleashed it with a fingertip. never watched pixels whip by at 1 ghz and had your neurons struggle to keep up. you've never seen fast because you've never seen this. the droid incredible by htc. it's nothing short of its name. buy a droid incredible with flash and get any phone free. >> jimmy: going to love primus out there. our next guest is about as much fun as you could ever ask for in a science teacher, and tonight, his love for chemistry and physics might possibly kill us all. from boston, please say hello once again to science bob pflugfelder. [ cheers and applause ] hello, bob. how are you? >> doing great. >> jimmy: thank you for coming. what grade do you teach? >> ele

please say hello to joaquin phoenix. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you look so normal now. i don't know what to make. >> you look well, too. >> jimmy: thank you. i appreciate that.

. >> joaquin phoenix. >> jimmy: joaquin phoenix, that's right. he was so young.w the show is just as good. it's you and dax shepard. >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: and who do you play? just tell everybody. >> i play jasmine. and dax and i, in the first season, we -- i kind of emerged, and we had something from years before. and i -- "surprise, you got a son!" >> jimmy: that's it? just like that. "surprise, you" -- >> he's your baby. >> jimmy: -- "you got a son." >> yeah. you got a -- >> jimmy: oh, yeah. so now you're back. season two. you're a regular? >> yeah. yeah. so i'm a regular now. and it's just basically us trying to be a family unit and -- >> jimmy: he's more of, like, the loose, loosey-goosey guy, and you're more of the straight, right? kind of? >> yeah, kind of. >> jimmy: yeah. yeah, i mean, like, are you both -- i mean, like, who's the -- are you both wild? >> on the show, or in real life? >> jimmy: no, on the show. on the show. >> oh. >> jimmy: i've already talked to the monk. yeah, he told me you were not wild. you were a very good girl. i appreciate that. ye

." >> jimmy: we have a new show tonight with joaquin phoenix, science bob pflugfelder, music from primus and "this week in i'm bob ehrlich. i'm not the kind of guy who likes to hang on the sidelines. today maryland's in trouble. we're worse off than we were four years ago. dangerous debt, higher taxes, not enough jobs. we need real leadership to turn this state around. fix the budget honestly. grow small businesses, really. excellent schools everywhere. protect the bay, finally. it's why i'm running -- to make the state we love not just good, but great. now let's get down to work.

." >> jimmy: we have a new show tonight with joaquin phoenix, science bob pflugfelder, music from primus and "this week in unses censorship." "jimmy i'm frank kratovil and i approve this message. the real andy harris. his past attacks have been called deceptive, his new attack, false. harris voted for deregulation increasing our electric bills by 72% it's not surprising, harris always sides with the big guys. he opposes cracking down on wall street and supports tax breaks for companies that ship jobs overseas. harris even opposed making big insurance cover cancer screenings. andy harris' extreme ideas will cost us. two governors, two different approaches. even in good times bob ehrlich didn't make education a priority. he increased college tuition by 40%, cut school construction by $200 million, and ehrlich voted to eliminate the department of education while serving in congress. but in the toughest of times, martin o'malley has made record investments in public schools, new school construction, and o'malley froze college tuition four years in a row. with martin o'malley, our children al

." >> jimmy: we have a new show tonight with joaquin phoenix, science bob pflugfelder, music from primus "this week in unses censorship."

and later this week, zach galifianakis, joaquin phoenix, from "the jersey shore," snooki, "science boby and primus. it's funny name week here on the show this week. all right, our guests tonight are one mom and three dads from the funniest sitcom in many years. the second season of their emmy-winning show "modern family" starts tomorrow night at 9:00 here on abc. please welcome julie bowen, ty burrell, jesse tyler ferguson and eric stonestreet. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. how are you guys doing? >> good. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: see what happens in just a year's time? it's incredible. >> i know, amazing. >> jimmy: i feel like i'm on the show right now. >> you're not. >> you're not. >> i feel like these people are all high. >> jimmy: some of them are. >> in a good way. >> jimmy: at least 30% of them though we didn't test anybody on their way in. congratulations on winning the emmy after your first season, which is -- [ cheers and applause ] you have nothing -- there's nothing to look forward to now. >> game over. we're done. >> jimmy: did you feel competitive? di

courtney cox, jeremy renner, zach galafianakis, bruno tonioli, joaquin phoenix, who i think is crazy. be here. we'll have music from band of horses, trombone shorty, primus and phoenix, so join us then. our first guest is an academy award winner whom you know from many films and sexy videos. he is the director, co-writer and star of a great new movie called "the town." it opens in theaters tomorrow. please welcome ben affleck. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what's happening? good to see you. >> good to be back. on the big show. i don't know if you noticed, but [ cheers and applause ] he's mine, all right, so calm down. when we embraced i pointed my toe involuntarily behind me. >> i felt it. >> jimmy: how is everything? >> oh -- without you, not as goos but i'm surviving. >> jimmy: you must be very pleased with yourself right now. because the movie, first of all, you know it's great, right? >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: you're welcome. >> that's nice of you to say. >> jimmy: you didn't answer, but okay. i was looking on the rotten tomatoes website where they get the critics stuf

and joaquin phoenix will be here. and music from trombone shorty and primus.ience bob" pflugfelder will join us. 16 years ago this week, our first guest debuted on a brand new show about the dating lives of attractive 20-somethings called "friends." now, in 2010, she's still on tv dating 20-somethings. you can see her with her old pal jennifer aniston on "cougartown" this wednesday night here on abc at 9:30. please say hello to courteney cox. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's good to see you. >> good to see you. >> jimmy: may i say, you get lovelier every time i see you. i'm not just saying that. >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: i want to ask you about "cougartown" because i heard that you guys were going to change the name to something else. >> we were. title and we could not find one so -- >> jimmy: oh, no one asked me. i had a great one. >> what did you have? >> jimmy: cougar mellencamp town. >> why didn't we think of that? >> jimmy: why were you going to change the name? >> because it's not really about me dating younger guys. it's more about me and

joaquin phoenix will be here tomorrow night, as will science bob pflugfelder and hear music from primusorrow, too. our first guest tonight is one of the finest men this nation has ever produced. you know him from the movie "the hangover," from the tv show "bored to death" and soon from a new movie called "it's kind of a funny story," it opens in theaters october 8th. please say hello to zach galifianakis. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> good, thank you. >> jimmy: you -- you have got what appears to be lipstick all over you. >> oh, do i? shoot. >> jimmy: yeah, a little bit on -- >> i met snorki backstage. >> jimmy: no, no, it's -- snooki. >> snooki. >> jimmy: unless there was somebody else you met. >> she had a stepladder and kissed me everywhere. >> jimmy: you probably want to get that off. it looked like you've been shot in the ear. do you -- by the way, do you watch "jersey shore?" is that on your schedule? >> is that on pbs? >> jimmy: no. >> i haven't seen it, i'm a grown man, so -- >> jimmy: you don't watch that. >> i haven't seen it yet. i look forward to se