plan, jon.aratroopers in, led by a guy who is still around, a 90-year-old guy earl walter. >> jon: who is like seven feet tall. >> he's like what they thought the cannibals would be. an earl walter leads this team in to protect them from the thousands of stone-aged cannibals who live there in this valley while the army is saying, well, we got to figure out some escape plan. in the meantime, let's put more guys in. >> so meanwhile, they sit in the jungle with these guys eating spam and canned bacon for like two months. >> yeah, yeah. it was actually almost like r&r. >> jon: crazy. then they decide, let's walk out of here. >> right. >> jon: let's dplied out of here. >> they realize... new guinea is this incredible tropical jungle. you can't get out of it. so they just say, we're going to do this, this is our plan, we'll basically drop stuff for you to build a makeshift football goalpost, and we'll string a rubber band across the top of it and we'll put that to a glider. and then we'll put some peo

[laughter] >> jon: jon stewart, "the daily show." i have a quick question. as a frequent radioshack customer, i may be qualified to tell you what may be an issue with your plan, but go ahead. >> the problem with it was the limited battery life. [laughter and applause] >> jon: see, the batteries at radioshack are designed to work with one of those little remote control helicopters that work... once. [laughter] so now that we know the g.p.s. tracking system for the assault rifles we sold mexican cartels didn't work, how do we find out where the guns are? what is plan "b"? >> the only way you're going to find those guns in mexico is where? >> at crime scenes in which either the bad guy was killed and his gun was left at the scene or used during the commission of a crime in which the gun was left behind. >> jon: okay. [laughter] so our plan to prevent american guns from being used in mexican gang violence is to provide mexican gangs american guns. [laughter] to use according to our plan. [laughter] how exactly did we convince the mexican government to cooperate

. >> jon: yes! finally. ( applause ) let me tell you what's going on. i do an interview with chris wallace. i mentioned fox news viewers were the most consistently misinformed viewers in every poll. politifact said i shouldn't have said every poll. just most. i brought up a 21 lie salute of politifact spot fact checking so i assume that chris wallace now begins the work of apologizing for fox's many false and misleading statements. probably do a blooper show and carry us into the 2014 midterm s with a clear conscious. >> do you believe that fox news is exactly the ideological equivalent... of nbc news. >> i think we're the counterweight. i think they have a liberal agenda. i think we tell the other side of the story. jon seemed to think that was a big deal that i said we tell the other side of the story. i wish i had said the full story. here's what i meant. >> jon: wait. that was a big deal that you said that. that's your setting the record straight? i accidentally told the truth and wish i could t

thank you, jon. (cheers and applause) thank you, jon, and please, please, before i continue, let me assure my viewers that from now on there will be no pusssying out. no offense. i solemnly promise to rip anthony weiner a new ass (blee (bleep). an (bleep) that even he would not text a picture of. why? because it would be so big it won't fit within twitter's 140-character limit. that sleazy mcjewfro will get no quarter from me. (laughter) >> we're... we're talking about the congressman, right? >> oh, yes, yes. okay, no problem, yeah. jon, i will hound him, i will mock him until his shame is visible. a bulge straining against a fabric of his being, begging to be released. but this time, weiner, there will be no happy ending. (laughter) and as for you, stewart, and your vividly, vividly injured hand, that's a genuine problem, that's a genuine problem. that's... (applause). (bleep). >> jon: yup. we better hurry up and (bleep) because i am bleeding out mother (bleep). (laughter). >> jon, talk to this, he

jon jon this movie, this movie, tell me about... you look very good. >> are you ever cutting to camera three? if you're not, [bleeped] the tie. i don't care. >> jon: give him three, chuck. look, look, look. oh, no, that's not working. can i tell you something, though? i like it, though. it has a certain... there's a debonair quality to it. you don't look disheveled. no matter what i do, i look disheveled. you look very sharp. >> tommy cleans up good. >> jon: tommy does clean up good. tell me about this "larry crowne." it seems like a "stella gets her groove back" for middle-aged white guys. [laughter] chew on that. chew on that. >> i'm going to. >> jon: enjoy that one. >> it started off going for that target audience, as a matter of fact. i find the middle-aged white guys are not represented enough in today's american media. [laughter] >> jon: they are victims in many respects. >> they are indeed underlings. >> jon: they are underlings. tell me about this julia roberts. she seems to have a few... >> she's a nut. she's an absolute co

is jon stewart.uest tomorrow, tim tebow, now the denver broncos tremendous ballplayer. tonight, though we begin with politics, thankfully presidential politics. big announcement from mitt romney. >> i'm mitt romney. i believe in america. and i'm running for president of the united states. (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> jon: i believe in america. what are we, narnia? (laughter) you think that makes you special? you know what, welcome, mitt, to a refreshing change of pace for me, being able to deal with a more wholesome story of national importance than the one we've been-- oh my god! (laughter) son of a-- anthony weiner's penis twit just killed mitt romney. no! no, anthony weiner's penis tweet, i will not allow our presidential coverage to be literally [bleep]. i won't allow it we are going to do tonight a full on political indecision segment. do the indecision open that will-- (cheers and applause) >> jon: dammit, dammit! dammit! the weiner story has gotten into the matrix. (laughter) it's as th

, jon.is economy, then good buy 96%, hello 94%. [laughter] >> jon: so economy be damned. black community is still supporting this guy. >> let me clear something up, jon, i voted for obama because he was black. is he still black? [laughter] >> jon: i think he's still black. [cheers and applause] so no matter what, no matter what, the black community would stay loyal to a black president? >> well, not just a black president, jon, a democratic president. >> jon: what? why? >> loyalty. we dance with who brought us. look, the republicans freed the slaves, we voted for them for 100 years. then the democrats passed the civil rights act, so that's been good for damn near fiddy. >> jon: how do they enforce this uniformity, this bloc? >> mostly peer pressure. [laughter] >> jon: how is peer pressure... it's a secret ballot? >> not in black precincts it's not, jon. oh, no. see, jon, white people vote like this. but brothers, man, brothers be talking at the ballot box, "you better be voting for the black

is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. our guest tonight, bruce headlam here to discuss page 1, a documentary about "the new york times", which reviewing the same film "the new york times" raved about it, a mess, does little to illuminate. so i'm thinking it must be pretty good. let's start quickly right here in new york, our state legislature the most dysfunctional in the nation raves new york university is in an extended summer session in an attempt to pass a landmark bill legalizing same-sex marriage in new york. word is the vote is now 31-4-- 31 for, 31 against. so right now they are looking to turn one vote gay, i guess. (laughter) >> jon: even for a night. (laughter) >> jon: six pack of twiquiza, let's get in there and vote. we are getting word that there has been a vote in the new york senate extended session. let's go right to it. >> the summertime favorite is now the official state vegetable. the lawmakers divided to quiv sweet corn two thumbs up over onions. >> jon: it's raining men--

[laughter] >> jon: so even student council is bad? >> well, it's a gateway office, jon.ughter] >> jon: john, i have a friend. i want to talk to you about him, a teenager. his son is a teenager, recently turned sullen and combative, and he's quite secretive. >> well, lucky him, john, he's okay. a time to worry is when your child becomes suspiciously extroverted, if he's suddenly fond of corny jokes or likes to walk around the dinner table shaking hands and asking, what's good here? what are we eating? when the neighbors bring a baby over, does he kiss it repeatedly on the cheek over and over again looking for the cameras? if so, bing, you he could be looking at four to eight years in the illinois statehouse followed by 15 to 20 years in prison. >> jon: terrifying, john. do you think it's getting through to the next generation? >> we can only hope, but it's not for lack of trying. already they're launching a statewide campaign to keep kids on the right track. talk to your children, jon, talk to your kids before it's too late. >> jon: thank you so much, john oliver with tha

territory. >> jon: oh, five hours. well, i didn't realize that this isn't really a presidential visit, more of a layover on his way to st. bart's, but no historic five-hour state visit would be complete without a stirring address and n a flag-draped airport hangar just feet from the still-idling plane the president just landed in. >> it is good to be back in puerto rico. >> jon: que bueno. barack obama, que bueno, puerto rico. added some spicy pronunciation. i don't think he's going to be able to keep that up. >> our health care reform included help from puerto rico. these problems didn't develop over night here in puerto rico, here in puerto rico. here in puerto rico and all across america. >> jon: there you go, folks. "puerto" to "porto" in just under eight minutes. if you're going to keep up the "puerto," you have to get in the habit of saying parrots patient all the time. "puerto potty." i will pick you up at the "puert authority." of course, the act sengtd pronunciation on their home island is not the only trick r

>> jon: tracy morgan. >> yeah. >> jon: that's actually dna.is. >> i wouldn't touch that one. fingers sliding down there. this one is going right to the museum. a lot of evidence this is really g. it's fantabulous. s is superfan. it's a grind. it's like whatever. we have fun people on the show. we work a lot. >> jon: i called you. i called jimmy. this was a while back. i could not contain myself. do we have the picture of the event? >> oh, yeah. >> jon: this is a picture of jimmy dressed as neil young singing next to bruce springsteen dressed like 70's bruce springsteen they are singing what. >> whip my hair back and forth. ♪ whip my hair back and forth ♪ you gotta whip your hair you gotta whip your hair ♪ >> jon: that's a good bruce springsteen. thank you. >> you called me up and said very nice words. >> jon: (bleep) you. >> i said jon stewart is that you there? [laughter] you were the first person to call me when i first got late night. i didn't get an office until a day i went on the air and you called me and they said jon stewart on the pho

is jon stewart. my guest former new orleans mayor ray nagin. thanks for joining us. my guest the former new orleans mayor ray nagin. (laughter) >> jon: jerry lewis, all right. interesting weekend. spent time in our nation's capitol. took another classic photo of myself in front of the washington monument. (laughter) >> jon: hello! the only question now i guess is who should i twitter that to? (laughter) >> jon: anyway i stopped by the old fox news sunday, said i had to my friend chris wallace. we i thought had a provocative discussion about the media. i suggested that the true bias of the mainstream news is not particularly liberal but towards sensationalism and conflict or as the huffington post put it, you're insane! (laughter) here's what i want to know-- (cheers and applause) >> jon: all right. what, what font would you use when man lands on mars? like-- (laughter) i guess in that case arianna just has to go door-to-door to people's houses, ring their bell and go click on me, i have news! (laught

>> jon: welcome to the dail show. my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, dr. cameron diaz. that will make sense later on in the program. you will see. she has graciously agreed to perform a surgical procedure on... [laughter] on tonight's program. a quick word before we get going to the tourist community, to the visitors to this great land of ours. if you've been here eight months, you live here. you live here. you're not from venezuela. [cheering and applause] donde esta you're mine. seven years of spanish, all i remember. [laughter] donde esta. let's begin tonight perhaps in america, the land of opportunity, where the streets are paved with let's say cinnabuns. [laughter] and yet we are nation besieged with problems, problems we must solve. problem number one, our gooey, rat-infested cinnabun-paved streets. why did we do that? that was a dopey material to pave our streets with. [laughter] we're going to need common-sense solutions to our problems if we're not just going to win the future but make sure that everyone else loses it. [laughter] let's start with a simple probl

the point, is i'm broke, jon.ell the fingers on my gloves. >> jon: pull yourself together, oliver. >> i'm sorry. >> jon: god dammit, trump, look what you're doing. run, for god's sake, run. america needs you. >> run, please, please. >> jon: john oliver, everybody. [ man ] ♪ trouble ♪ trouble, trouble trouble, trouble ♪ ♪ trouble been doggin' my soul ♪ since the day i was born ♪ worry ♪ oh, worry, worry worry, worry ♪ [ announcer ] when it comes to things you care about, leave nothing to chance. travelers. take the scary out of life. my guest tonight, con trib utilitying editor at the los angeles times magazine and an investigative reporter. her new book is called an undemocratic national censored history of america's top secrets. please welcome annie jacobsen. hello. [applause] thank you so much for being here. this is really a great book. area 51. so this is area 51 is a military base. >> yes, it is. it's a military base in southern never never, 75 miles from vegas. >> jon: 75 miles from vegas. >> we set off 100

>> jon stewart? >> jon: my arm? i would sue my own arm. "what were you thinking?"ere was a defective manufacturer. >> jon: there was something defective in there, all right. ( laughter ) >> but the other part of it is, of course, the fact that you can make stuff all over the world. so you take technology, you take globalization. for the american worker, this is really incredibly difficult, and i think if you look at where american labor is right now, you have nine million... seven million officially unemployed, but you add up all the people who stopped looking for work. you add up the people who have part-time jobs, and these part-time jobs pay half as much as the median wage. that's 24 million people in america who are under-employed or unemployed and those numbers aren't getting better. if you look at the president's budget, it assumes we will create 20 million jobs. >> jon: but, you know, i have to say, with all due respect to them, it's been a year. and we've heard about jobs this and jobs that and we've got to do something about the economy. i cannot point to