cain 13. >> jon: stunning.nd not just because gingrich is what you would diplomatically refer to as... likeability challenged. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but because in may of this year, his campaign was declared dead. >> it keeps getting worse and worse for newt gingrich. >> it newt finishes. >> charles krauthammer, just in two words. >> he's done. >> it is now functionally over for gingrich. >> jon: can't believe it. when newt gingrich was on his death bed, the media just divorced themselves from him. who does something like that? ( laughter ) but that's the political media. they care about two things-- are you anything to win ear are you dead?" bachmann got a taste of it back in july. >> look who is surging now. >> michele bachmann rockets up the ranks. >> michele bachmann. >> let's face it, michele bachmann has been surging in every single poll. >> jon: at this pace, by the time of the election, she'll be at 5,000%. she can't go wrong. but, sadly, not two months later. >> is it over for michele bachmann? >>

jon, shh.te your tongue on that one. oh, i could have my man jorge bite your tongue. he's very gentle. >> jon: thank you very much, john. john hodgman, everybody. by the way, his new book "that is all" is available today, coincidentally. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) >> welcome back tonight. we watched the secretary of state under president george w. bush's, her new book is called "no higher honor, a memoir of my years in washington." please welcome back to the program condoleezza rice. hello. nice to see you again. >> nice to see you. >> oh, this is the one we've been waiting for! (laughter) "no higher honor." i just want to turn it this way. oh, yeah. (laughter) you're not messing around. you know what you can actually do is hollow that out and keep another book inside there. (laughter) >> jon: let's start... you know what we deal? here's what we'll do. we'll start in present day and work our way back to the point where you and i started. (laughter) so moammar qaddafi

my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, we're very excited about this, actress, august oall-around wonderful person, diane keaton will be joining us a little bit later. we're very excited about that. ( applause ) dearest oprah... ( laughter ) why is chocolate so sinful? look, i'm not going to lie to you people. that's not what i'm here to do tonight. i'm not here to lie to you. the country, the united states of america is in trouble. we have an enormous deficit, and we only have until november 23, one we'll from this very night to slash $1.2 trillion from that deficit or we will not get our inheritance. ( laughter ) actually, i think that's a plot for "brewster's millions." my point is, if we are going to achieve that deficit reduction, we are going to need a hero. >> most of the deficit reduction will be proposed by a so-called super committee. >> jon: ah, yes, the super committee. a group of 12 lawmakers who gained their powers after having been bitten by a radioactive accountant and are now called upon

stewart captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, judge andrew napolitano will be joining us. a fine man, we're excited to have him on the program. but we begin tonight in the field of presidential politics have. you been following the gop presidential race you know that hit ens romney has been-- mittens romney has been the uncontested front-runner for everyone's second choice. (laughter) >> jon: for the republican nomination. he's the subject of tonight's installment of indecision 2012, scared mittless. (laughter) when polling began a year ago, polling began a year ago for the republican presidential race mitt romney was polling in the low -- and was in second place. and since then so much has changed. >> minnesota congresswoman michele bachmann surging ahead of the 2012 field. >> huckabee leads 19% a romney is trailing, with 18%. >> gallup has perry leading with 29%, mitt romney now second with 17%. >> then governor christie tied for first place with the former massachusetts governor mitt romney. >> in the lates

(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. barn burner tonight, our guest adam sandler, sandler's going to be joining us later. sandler the star of my three favorite movie, billy madison, happy gillmore and, uh-- (applause) oh, what is the third? the-- uh-- (laughter) epa, i don't-- i don't-- oh, that reminded me! let's begin tonight with last night's gop debate on cnbc, the 9th of the primary season. now before we get into rick perry's now infamous abc wide world of sports agony of defeat-worthy brain turd, and believe me we will get there, i would just like to start way brief announce. i'm calling the fight, throw in the towel, it's over. republicans, you had your chance. you didn't want romney, too bad. are you now stuck with mitt romney [bleep] romney, done. he is the winner. romney wins. we're calling it tonight. (applause) it's over. indecision 2012 mercy rule edition because in presidential primaries as in little league if one team is up 10-0 in the third you call it a day and you head over to friendly's for some fribbl

(laughter). >> jon: where, sam? >> jon, as god is my witness, i am telling you now that herman cain is underneath my skirt. (laughter). >> jon: herman cain is there right now? >> let me confirm that with my sources. yeah, that's going to be a 10464. >> jon: sam, this is it! this is direct evidence of impropriety. >> not according to herman cain, jon. he as issued a statement admitting he knows me and is, in fact, under my skirt but he says he's just providing much-needed financial assistance to my vagina. (laughter) as a friend. just as friends. >> jon: can you confirm that? >> i can confirm herman cain does not understand the term "financial assistance." quit it! herman, you are bad! (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. shocking political news yesterday. >> as expected, barney frank, a congressman in the united states house of representatives for over three decades announcing his retirement today, suddenly. >> jon: quitter! he only served 16 terms. or as it's known in the house of representatives, the fresh

cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we got a good show for you tonight. i'm excited. mr. clint eastwood is going to be here. we have a good one for you. clint eastwood will be here. we'll swap stories about being iconic bad asses or at least one of us. then i'll just sit there and go, you're swell. as many of you know an awful lot of republican voters view mitt romney as the great white note and have therefore struggled desperately for viable alternative to mitt romney even going so far to pretend it might be michele bachmann. recently herman cain emerged as the leading alternative to the schnook of mormon. today sharon bialek accused cain of offering her a job in return for oral sex back in the '90s. a serious charge somewhat undercut by her unfortunately chosen lawyer and location, the friar's club. >> she reached out to mr. cain for help in finding another job. instead of receiving the help she had hoped for, mr. cain instead decided to provide her with his idea of a stimulus package. >> jon:

how are you, jon? >> jon: we haven't seen each other in so-- >> i know, i know. >> jon: we were costars. >> "first wives." >> jon: they left what did you in the movie-- >> you're cute. okay, i'm sorry. go on. >> jon: it's the makeup. and if i were to take-- >> that's so not true. >> jon: it's the makeup and lighting and suit. can i tell something-- people meet me on the street and i'm dressed normally and i don't have my makeup on and their first response is always there, "are you okay?" ( laughter ) you have no idea what it takes. >> you're such a liear. >> jon: to healthy me up. i actually take transfusions of keith richards' blood. how terrible that-- let me show you this. this is the book "then again." i was expecting and i was all set for a very superficial, show business anec dotes. a famous actress has written a biography. this is a beautifulry written, deeply personal, very well observed, in some ways love letter to your mother, but also about your family-- it really is a wonderful book. who wr

"the daily show", my name is jon stewart. on the program tonight, my guest... we are excited tonight. my guest, astronaut-- you heard me correctly-- astronaut and author mark kelly. did you know, when mark kelry was a little boy he dreamed of growing up to be a regional copper wiring distributor. (laughter) but he was a failure! (laughter) and ended up having to as roe naught. (laughter) i think that's a verb for being a astronaut. i'm not sure. anyway, just two and a half weeks ago we found out republican presidential candidate herman cain had sexual harassment issues when the national restaurant association settled some lawsuits for him setting off a media firestorm which lasted until six days ago when republican presidential candidate rick perry fired the brain fart heard round the world. (laughter) also setting off a media firestorm. but, again, that's six days ago! daddy need another hit of gas because once again the race to determine the most qualified opponent to challenge the current leader of the free world in the no

>> jon: vagina!> that ill lis ted the biggest round of applause ever. >> jon: it's an interesting crowd. >> but you know they would love a giant wedding. but it's not... it's not a huge big deal. as long as the person's not like clinically depressed and. >> jon: that's their one step administration? >> or a gambler. for some reason my mom has said "stay away from a gambler." i don't know any gamblers. i know they're dramatized on television and film but she has a feeling i'm going to run into gamblers. >> jon: you have to make that a prank you pull on her. have a guy show up with a hat and a gold ring and be like where did you heat him? vegas. you have to get the book, it's hilarious. your musings, your life. excellent book. really enjoyed it and i love seeing you on the show. is everyone hanging out without she on the bookshelves now. minute day kaling, everybody. >> jon: that's our show tomorrow night at 11:00. former secretary of state condoleezza rice will be here. here it is, your moment of zen.

>> exactly, right. >> jon: is today the day i lost my cute. >> yes. >> jon: it's really, it's fascinatingse there's other things that are kind of more traditional paths. there is that traditional path. you were an intern at a music publishing company. >> regular guy one day they say play us a song. and at that moment they were like oh. >> yeah. it was like we should maybe treat him better. and i actually won songwriter of the year a few years back at their award ceremony. and got to get up and sort of call out everybody. truthfully, though, that was the best year of my life professionally in terms of getting where i am going. they treat immediate so great. and i think that's the thing that i really learned is that it's all about people and it's all about yeah, get good, do what dad says and get good in spite of cute. but more than that, find those people that are sort of in your corner too. >> jon: this book is all about that too. >> and this, so now it's however many years later. >> right. >> jon: the advice, does it work, are you ever lonely s it always a companion to have, is it always

well done. >> jon: dam it. you never said this was in the past. >> you see how much more decisive you were though when your mind wasn't caught up with facts. you could have prevented the holocaust. >> jon: i guess a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. >> and i guess voting for herman cain is the only way to prevent the holocaust. >> jon: thank you very much. aasif mandvi, everybody. >> jon: welcome back. the republican candidates finally waded into the foreign policy debate. there's still an issue at home that you will never hear the republicans talking about. jason jones has more. >> we've made great strides in eradicating prejudice in this country. according to university of texas economist daniel hammermesh, one part of society is still suffering in ways we never imagined. >> ugly people. >> reporter: ugly people. >> if you're bad looking, you're going to wind up with a spouse who is not as good looking and you're going to be less happy. >> reporter: are you currently happy? >> yeah, i'm a very happy pers

you don't want to go there. >> jon: no, i don't want to go there. >> i'm hanging on to them. >> jon: i understand that. >> all right. >> jon: you get the sense there is sort of this group of people very much looking for a direction to involve themselves in but are finding their own way. there isn't any kind of top. down leadership. >> a lot of people say why don't we have mandatory public service? we're not going to have that again. what i suggest in the book is we could have public service academies, kind of on the model of the military academies, public-private partnerships, the john dererks fellow in agriculture. the johnson & johnson fellow in medicine. they work in this country, they work abroad for three years, they come back, get three years to prove themselves in the companies, we have a new workforce with a new skill set and we need big, bold ideas in this country that everybody could get excited about. >> jon: why couldn't we have some type of enlistment program. and i'm not talking about the military. you make the point in the book, the military and their families bear thi

>> jon: i was doing that so she's probably going to do it tonight. >> jon: on the bookshelves now, mark kelly. rick: mike, check out his bacon neck. mj: bacon? rick: sir! lean forward and show michael jordan your collar? passenger: oh! rick: see how it's all curled up like bacon in a pan? see look how bad this dude looks? passenger: what's that? rick: thank you. passenger: ok! rick: not us though, buddy. anncr: the lay flat collar. lays flat, won't bacon. only from hanes.

i support it. >> jon: that is jon corzine gnchts. (laughter) in april of last year clamoring for regulation to prevent wall street firms from doing this. >> m.f. global was leveraged at a race of 40-1. that means for every dollar of equity it had, it held nearly ny $40 of debt. >> to put in perspective, lehman brothers had leverage of about 30 or 33-1. >> jon: mother (bleep)er! (laughter) (cheers and applause) let me just get this straight. (laughter) politician jon corzine saw lehman brothers as a cautionary tale. financial firm honcho jon corzine saw it as a dare. (laughter) 30-1? pussies. (laughter) you know, no, it's not his fau fault. corzine just couldn't resist the sweet nectar of the private sector. (laughter) but i'm wondering, what did politician john corzine say about c.e.o.s who try and circumvent regulation again? >> there would have been pushback, but that's when strong regulation has to be in place. >> jon: and what did m.f. global head john corzine do vis-a-vis being regulated? well, when the financial regulatory agen

>> jon: i was doing that so she's probably going to do it tonight. >> jon: on the bookshelves now, markly.

[ laughter ] >> jon: why do you think that is? >> let me -- last time i was here in april of 2009 -- that was the last time i was on the show, democrats were in control congressional rating was 40%. 40%, you remember that? note to self. >> jon: not only do i not remember that. the whole 2009 thing you mentioned that went past me as well. >> we have work to do. >>. >> jon: it feels like they take good intentions. it's where good intentions go to die. >> no. well, not when we were in the majority. we took them to a place to make survival to success. >> jon: i understand. working class families. look at me pelosi. [ laughter ] it's we'll use the example of this vocal rule. so the idea is banks are using money from customers to finance their sort of speculative hedge fund activities, buying risky debt and all that. so paul volcker writes a memo to the president says, we should stop that. and then congress gets it and they say we should. that three-page memo turns into a 300-page bill the summary of which is 41 pages to the point where

that's really lovely of you to say. >> jon: well because.... >> and on your birthday. >> jon: exactlyey ask me sometimes and i say how many of these books do you read by the guests? i say, well, i (beep) may way through many of the interviews mostly with high profile diplomats, et cetera. but then these come along. it's like, thank you. what a great way to spend an afternoon and evening reading these. the one about your mother killed me. >> that is so lovely of you to say i really appreciate. my mother. it occurred to me at some point when i did my studies-- by that i mean talking to my friends-- that all comedians seem to have one one or two of the same pattern mothers. it's like the same mom invented stand-up comedy raised all the comedians. what's bad for childhood trust issues is really good for comedy routines. it's like being raised by a heckler. >> jon: (laughing). her diary. when did you discover your diarys? >> well, my mother has been dead for a couple of decades now. right when she died and i was kind of putting... going through her stuff and figuring... i knew she kept a l