a woman calls i answer, jon. >> jon: is that true?n be anybody, a woman -- >> a hot, french woman what are you going to do? you would pick up that phone, won't you. >> jon: i would most likely pick up my phone but i wouldn't understand what they were saying. >> i wouldn't care what they were saying. >> jon: that makes total sense. >> right. >> jon: what are you a radio host? >> radio host columnist, ellen mitchell, nelson george type displ and your name is mingus. >> mingus. mingus, and in the movie it rhymes with cunnilingus, which is all right by me. >> jon: is that the one liner from the movie? ( laughter ) ( applause ) imagine a guy, and his name iseningus, so you're doing-- you're doing this, and then you're moving right to the sandler and spade, like-- do you pull a groin from that? how do you go from you're doing the french delpy-- >> movie. >> jon: and then going into-- >> then i did "grown-ups two." >> jon: "grown-ups, two." even more grown-up. and you're producing-- you're a hard-work individual. >> i try to keep it moving,

(laughter) >> jon: that sounds like the dumbest... >> no, no, jon, jon! your demo is listening, jon. after all, what was your favorite show growing up? >> "banana split." >> sorry, what? what? >> "banana splits." >> "banana splits" yes. four psychotic fourries who lived in a psychedelic clubhouse. (cheers and applause) >> jon: point taken. any way, the spending paul ryan was the old paul ryan. he appeared to have an epiphany about spending some time around when the democrats took over the budget and is now an idea man. >> we have heard a growing number of comparisons between mr. ryan and former president ronald reagan. >> paul ryan has been the one who's led the charge on entitlement reform. >> probably the smartest person i know in politics. >> he's actually done the intellectual work, the rigorous work of putting detailed proposals on the table. >> paul ryan has become an intellectual lieder of the republican party. >> jon: in fact, i, mitt romney, ameerly a well-chiseled delivery system for our nation's real future leader. i am the flavorless gel cap s

[ laughter ] >> well, the hard one to counter i'll tell you, jon. >> jon: what can we do?he idea is we have this enormous burgeoning population. they are going to need electricity. they are going to need water and all these things. we're going to start setting the market for those things. why aren't we doing that? why aren't we going to africa? we give aid around the world but are we also making commodities contract? >> i wish you were? i would america would take a much more positive lead around engagement in the markets. take the case of aids in particular. there's no country in the history of world that has achieved growth in the text theant aafrican countries rely on aid today. you look at the united states approach of economic development and it has left been wanting. people are antsy. it's been 50 years for many countries. look what is happening in india now. 300 people with no access to electricity over several days. they need electricity. we want america to be engaged in a positive way to deliver resources and a change in people's livelihoods there's a discourse goi

jon: don't you think? the last time i had a bad break-up, ben and jerry got me through some of the tougher times so i thought you and i could bond over this and talk about it. ( cheers and applause ) >> was that an impression of yourself? >> jon: that was me at 17 until about 38. then my voice changed and i got my virginity back. when you are young and you break up, it's powerful and it feels like the world is ending. this is the first time i have seen the world actually react that way, where... it's insanity. here's my wish for you. that you get to handle your business in private, in your personal life. i wish you all the best. i really enjoy talking to you. you're a nice kid. that's all. now we're going to talk about... i'll tell you what i am interestd in. cronenberg, an amazing film maker, but i've never met this guy. this guy has got to be an odd duck >> he's the sweetest man in the world. >> jon: i mean, for god's sakes not to give away the plot, you get a prostate exam in a limosine >> i don't think

, jon. >> jon: oh, my god! hoecally clap, what happened? >> well, jon, i was coming out of a waffle house, apparently the scent of stirrup and cigarette ash proved irresistible to this, the locals have assured me is a juvenile palmetto bug. >> that is not an adult palmetto bug? >> no, no, but it will be soon. there is a certain socialist tree hugger president that banned ddt. >> jon: i tell you, i think nixon banned ddt. >> well, it was some democrat, i don't know. >> jon: well, good luck, samantha. >> don't wish me luck, i am the one getting flown out of this s *it hole. wait, he's taking me to st. pete's!. no! >> jon: thanks guys, we will check back in with everybody later. so tonight -- sorry. it was -- one of those things wasn't real and i am pretty sure it was what was in jason's lap, i think. >> tonight, as we speak, chris christie is delivering the keynote address to the republican convention. the theme of the night, we did build that, a salute to the union workers who guilt state funded tampa bay conven

i'm on the convention floor, jon! >> jon: why is it raining? >> oh, no, this isn't rain. deluge i'm standing in is sweat pouring off the bodies of the extremely inspired, hardworking "no help from the government" self-reliant really sweaty group of real americans! >> jon: so there's... they sere busy building stuff, that's where the sweat is coming from? is that what's happening? >> i was a little bit jealous of anderson cooper and other reporters batting the elements. i just wanted to, you know, show them that i could hack it. i could be cnn's sanjay gupta of storms. you know, storm-jay gupta! (cheers and applause) >> jon: you set up a rain machine inside the cob srepbgs center. >> it's mostly spit and beer. see, these people really don't like "the daily show." or "the last air bender." it was m. night shyamalan, it was a good script! >> jon: all right, thank you. aasif mandvi. i hate to say this but the whole "we built it" chant thing... it's a little call and responsey. maybe it's the crushing humidity or the really rick did hroubg humidity but... (laughter). i'm kind

>> yes. >> jon: okay, that's it. done. yes. (cheers and applause) >> jon: no harm, no foul. it's not like-- (laughter) like i'm acting like these pages have anything to do with what i'm saying. they don't. playing hangman. sound like the british are going to be angry. you know the british are not the type of people who take sport very seriously. here they are celebrating their favorite soccer team's victory. so we're cool, right. >> today's headlines in london really raked romney over the coals. >> dubbed the party pooper in the daily mail, nowhereman and the times of london. >> also romney's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day in london. >> this is the headline in the sun, the tabloid t reeds mitt the twit. >> jon: here's one from the london ass wipe. american idiot. the daily-- says moron. the chimney sweep times pick union says with frends like ese oo, needs enemas is. not sure that makes sense and from london's famed what's all this gazette, oh, all right, a little on the nosement for god's sakes, romney, how do you screw this up. how do you screw this up. (applaus

you know i don't do that kind of thing, jon. >> jon: i've sbhen you. do i've seen the kind of things you do. (laughter) stay away from that dog. (laughter) brian williams, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause)

simple answer. >> jon: done and done. i will come out today and say to the american people i don't think people should do illegal things with weapons. [ laughter ] nailed it. [ laughter ] looking the guy was pretty robotic and combined of nonhuman to being wit. it's like taking a ken doll and turning him into flat romney. [ laughter ] which i guess has its advantages, i guess. if you want to send a message to iran, get yourself o no no, ah, help me, help me! flip out president romney into an envelope pretty soon ak din jad -- ak ahmadinejad is like, oh, a letter for me. problem solved. what kind of republican do you get to round out ticket? >> i won't characterize qualifications for vice president. >> jon: of course you won't. i think we can rule out one ticket. we'l'l r r we asked over 3,000 doctors to review 5-hour energy and what they said is amazing. over 73 percent who reviewed 5-hour energy said they would recommend a low calorie energy supplement to their healthy patients who use energy supplements. seventy-three p

and jon, remember, remember, jon, these delegates need it.hey spend every day of their lives legislating against their true natures but every four years like [bleep] work they get their relief. >> jon: thank you, john. i believe jason jones has more on bathroom stall three. >> though i have a presence in small number four, this week is about transition without ai alienation and the pass thefg torch from george bush to john mc... god it feels so good to be republican. >> jon: aasif is in the bathroom. >> i've been here five days and no exaggeration to say every single male republican is a closet homosexual. >> jon: rob riggle, where are you? are you there? by the sink. >> john, they do this every four years? that's right, rob. >> whoo! how long do the memories last? >> jon: the "the daily show" news team everybody. now of course the gay [bleep]ing and sucking is not nonstop some business is being conduct and the convention team was john mccain the person he is and who better to tell us about the person who is than the person he hates. the pers

stewart. >> jon: welcome to "the daily show" i'm jon stewart.man knows who it is. the book of mormon girl. i pronounced it wrong it's the book of mormon, girl! >> we want to talk bay comment a lot of people are talking about today. the president critiquing mitt romney's tax plan a new name for him that is a bit of a buzz word. let's listen. >> first of all, thank you for joining us what an italian widow wears to a lobster bake. [ laughter ] i can't believe it not my antonio. he was such a good boy. i'll have it at two pounds broiled not steamed. antonio. if you like that you'll love my new one man show tyler perry prentz jon stewart in women eating shellfish. let's be serious. we'll hear what the president says. >> he asked the middle class to pay more taxes to give another $250,000 tax cut to the people making more than $3 million a year. >> [audience reacts] >> it's like robinhood in reverse. it's romney hood. [ laughter ] >> stephen: -- >> jon: should be easy for romney to top romney hood. >> we've heard the president say things about me and

. >> thank you, jon. >> jon: how are you >> that's right, jon, as you can see, hurricane gustav has now been downgraded but there is actually a lot of activity we're keeping an eye on up here in the pacific northwest. now, as you know, immediately after john mccain announced sarah palin as his running mate, it was looking like nothing but clear skies and surprising hotness. [laughter] >> take a look at this wider shot. a lot of activity. we're going to keep an eye on it. over here, we've got abusive power allegations. [laughter] >> a secessionist front. some possible crazy-preacher activity, that video of palin saying she doesn't even know what the vice president does, so all in all, a lot of fronts converging here on st. paul. now, it could all fizzle out, or, if conditions are right, it could become a category five [beep] storm. [cheers] >> yeah. yeah. but what we're keeping an eye on now, there is a developing prepartum depression that actually -- let me show this to you as we put it in motion -- you can see as it develops. it will bring real relief to the evangelical region. >> jon:

my name is jon stewart. in the great city of tampa, this is the third night that officially qualifies the daily show as an invasive species. so michael steele will be joining us at the end too much show, moments ago mitt romney of massachusetts accepted his party's nomination for the presidency, it was a speech full of sentences. that i thought he really delivered in english. we will have more details tomorrow. but yesterday, it was romney's running mate paul ryan's party favorite, and electric speaker and to highlight the theme, we can change it. either a reference to the terrible state of this country or something convention organizers just put in as a placeholder and, you know. either way, the main event, ladies and gentlemen, the jack of janesville, the wisconsin wonder boy, mr. paul -- holy (bleep) that guy is and some! look at those eyes! paul ryan, aruba call and wants the pools of blue tranquil water back. whoo! >> young and fit, has a political party ever had a greater disparity between the vitality

>> yes, jon, yes, she did. and who is to say that her truth, jon, is any less true than mine. >> jon: you lied to her to get her into bed. >> jon, when she saw me she was not attracted to me. i instantly thought, we can change that. so i told her a series of facts that were not absolutely accurate in order to realize the much larger truth that i wanted to have sex with her. >> jon: that is horrible. >> what choice did i have, jon, if i didn't say that i wouldn't have had sex with her! >> jon: you are a terrible, terrible person. >> debt usn't matter, jon. i can change that! >> jon: all right. john oliver, everybody. we will be right back. >> jon: right before mitt romney's succession speech conventioneers will as always be exposed i mean treated to a brief biographical film about the nominee. you may not have seen it, luckily we have received it, received an advanced copy of said film and as a public service we would like to show you mitt romney's biographical film shown at the convention. >> this year, the ame

you know i don't do that kind of thing, jon. >> jon: i've sbhen you. do i've seen the kind of things you do. (laughter) stay away from that dog. (laughter) brian williams, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) ♪ [ male announcer ] we weren't there on billboards. [ bell tolls ] we weren't there on buses. we weren't ococommemorative snow globes. ♪ we weren't there officially sponsoring anything. ♪ we were there for re.. inside the bodies of some of the greatest athletes on earth. [ cheers and applause ] [ camera shutters clicking ] ♪

jon: okay.o you have things that are more fulfilling than that or -- >> i sit quietly but i sit with my dogs. we sit quietly together. >> jon: i am going to get dog. >> when the kids are out of the house get the dogs. >> jon: you have just inspired me. >> any time. >> jon: i am either going to get a dog or steal two kids and make them wear fur. total recall, in the theatres on friday. jessica biel. (cheers and applause)

just won't do. [ laughter ] >> jon: now, john mccain -- [ laughter ] >> jon: senator john mccain just delivered his acceptance speech and it was strong on his biography and he tried to move slightly beyond his base and target what he calls the whipper snapper vote. [ laughter ] >> jon: we'll cover that tomorrow. but tonight we have to excrete the digested remains of last night's festivities. it was a night that belonged to palin and tonight we were visited by three ghosts of candidates past. your dad's dickish boss. 9/11 and starting things off america's evangelicals. >> i want to begin by doing something a little unusual. >> jon: i am going to stretch my scrotum into the shape of a sailboat. [ laughter ] >> jon: that's mike huckabee. he's our guest tonight. [ cheering and applause ] >> jon: obviously my sincere apologies to him for giving away his act. and now, ladies and gentlemen. >> this is no time for timid liberal empty gestures. >> no. this is the the time for strong conservative empty gestures. great. i think i have one in my pocket. hold o. let me see if i can find one. [ lau

jon: okay. do you have things that are more fulfilling than that or -- >> i sit quietly but i sit with my dogs. we sit quietly together. >> jon: i am going to get dog. >> when the kids are out of the house get the dogs. >> jon: you have just inspired me. >> any time. >> jon: i am either going to get a dog or steal two kids and make them wear fur. total recall, in the theatres on friday. jessica biel. (cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show, join us next week at 11:00, here it is our moment of zen wince want to warn you, we will give away results from today's olympics throughout the show. so if you don't want to know what happens i want you to mute your television for the next few minutes. michael phelps has become the most decorated olympian of all time. the as you can clearly see from this attractive graph that our sales have increased by... sorry, my liege. honestly. our sales have increased by 20%. what is this mystical device i see before me? it's an ultrabook. he signed the purchase o