anyway, the phone rings, a land line phone jon. (laughter). >> jon: with, like, a cord? (laughter) >> yes, with, like, a cord. with the handle attached to this-- >> jon: like a lime green kitchen phone and you're just talking around like-- you're in a robe making a smoothie, whatever. >> exactly, humming early beatles songs. >> jon: yes! >> anyway, this woman says to me on the phone "how does it feel that-to-know that you've just been sentenced to death by the aoeayatollah khomeini?" i thought "good question." (laughter) and i said something stupid like, you know, it doesn't feel that good. and than i ran down stairs and ridiculously locked the front door. (laughter) so then it was okay. >> jon: right, right. pull the blinds. >> yeah, exactly. >> jon: it doesn't start to dawn on you-- it's so interesting, too. you write about this as sort of th-t another person. >> well, it sort of was another person, you know? i-- i felt-- i mean i feel now like that was happening to somebody else. and i wrote the book because i-- like a novel because i felt that somehow my life turned

, jon. friendly people. rich history. delicious food. i'm having a fantastic time >> jon: really? that's great >> not really, jon. of course not. have you been near a [bleep] television recently? things are pretty bad around here. look, i think it's important for us all to pause and note that it is clearly not the majority of muslims who are protesting in the streets. it's not even the majority of protestors who are getting violent. to put this in context, we should really remember islam's young age. >> jon: it's 1400 years old exactly, jon. in religious years islam is still just a teenager. put it in context. think what christianity was doing when it was only 1400 years old. >> jon: no, that's not... ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yeah, i guess that is. .. >> exactly. bloody crusades, the inquisition, execution of hair ticks. christianity is just lucky there weren't cell phones around then to film that [bleep]. >> jon: you know what? i mean, if you think about it, when judaism was still a

my name is jon stewart. in the great city of tampa, this is the third night that officially qualifies the daily show as an invasive species. so michael steele will be joining us at the end too much show, moments ago mitt romney of massachusetts accepted his party's nomination for the presidency, it was a speech full of sentences. that i thought he really delivered in english. we will have more details tomorrow. but yesterday, it was romney's running mate paul ryan's party favorite, and electric speaker and to highlight the theme, we can change it. either a reference to the terrible state of this country or something convention organizers just put in as a placeholder and, you know. either way, the main event, ladies and gentlemen, the jack of janesville, the wisconsin wonder boy, mr. paul -- holy (bleep) that guy is and some! look at those eyes! paul ryan, aruba call and wants the pools of blue tranquil water back. whoo! >> young and fit, has a political party ever had a greater disparity between the vitality

>> jon: all right. john oliver, everybody. we will be right back. >> jon: right before mitt romney's succession speech conventioneers will as always be exposed i mean treated to a brief biographical film about the nominee. you may not have seen it, luckily we have received it, received an advanced copy of said film and as a public service we would like to show you mitt romney's biographical film shown at the convention. >> this year, the american people face a choice between a self-made businessman. >> i know how extraordinarily difficult it is to build something from nothing. >> and a radical collectivist who says things like. >> if you have a business you didn't build this. >> i was not born in this country. >> and the leader of al qaeda. >> this i is the story of mitt romney, a human being who built that. >> george w romney was a well with think auto executive and future michigan governor, but being born his son was anything but luck. little mitt romney won the coveted position only by outcompeting t

jon oliver, i'll start with you. >> hi, jon.will never forget charlotte, the myrtle trees damp after a morning show. the air full of lavendar and magnolia. the southern people are bigger hearted and kinder than i had a right to expect and i cannot wait to get on a plane and get the ( bleep ) out of here. out. out. >> jon: why? why? >> i'm a new yorker now. i've been here almost a whole week, and i've almost forgotten how asphalt marinated in other people's urine smells. i miss it. i want to go home. >> jon: i miss it as well. jessica williams, you were here covering your very first convention. what will you miss most? >> the people, you know? ( cheers and applause ) i get to come to work every day amidst so many intelligent, well-informed and scandalously well-dressed black men, especially the one with the big plane. he's cute. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: you-- ( laughter ) you mean-- ( laughter ) you mean-- you mean the president. >> jon, i don't know. do i look like tom brokaw? here's what i won't miss-- you half theling

. >> thank you, jon. [applause] >> jon: what are you doing, asif? >> sorry, jon. just tapping the rockies. [applause] >> jon: you're going to go with the beer ad thing too? >> it's colorado. the entire state's a beer ad. that's why the democrats picked it. to show that they're just a bunch of joe six-packs. they're just like you. bobby beer-goggles and your wife, jane drunk sluts -- hyphen beer goggles. >> jon: do you really believe that beer ads are the best branding for the democrats -- >> oh, oh -- sorry, jon. that's my train. i got to go. [applause] >> jon: in our election center watching the speeches as they happen. your take on the election speeches, wyatt. please don't do that, wyatt. wyatt. they don't even make that beer here in colorado. that is -- all right. where is larry? is he in the election center as well? >> what's up? what's up? what's up? [applause] what's up? >> jon: all right, everybody. we get the point. we're going to go to john oliver on the floor of the election. john? >> jon, thank you. i could not disagree more with my colleagues. if the

. >> jon? >> john. >> al madrigal, tell me you've gotten inside the perimeter. >> i'm very close to the convention center. the bad news is that my camera guy didn't get in. (laughter) i asked one of the cops how to get a camera through the checkpoint he said "they brought me in from atlanta, how the (bleep) should i know? stphaoupl jason jones, are you there? >> i've done everything they've asked me to do. i've got 40 pounds of ye credentials around my neck. local cops, mall cops, i borrow add (bleep)ing segway and still i ran into a barricade and when they told know go back the other way i ran into another (bleep)ing barricade! >> jon: there's a lot of security, i guess, samantha. >> jon, the demilitarized zone between north and south korea has a lot of security. this (bleep) is insane! (cheers and applause). >> jon: well, thank you, guys, we'll check back in with you later. listen, last night. .. (applause) the audience appears to have had a similar experience. last night was the official ope

(laughter). >> jon: he's not. but he's saying that if he was latino it would be easier for him to become president. >> not just president, jon, everything in this country is easier if you're latino. (laughter) you think i could have gotten into college if i wasn't latino? no way! affirmative action! it's just like shakespeare said "of all the races 'twixt earth and sky, latinos are the luckiest." (laughter) >> jon: um, which play was that from? >> the one with the latinos in it. (laughter) "romeo and juliet." (applause) like i said, i only got into college because i'm latino. >> hey, well, that's nothing, all right? i'm black and a woman. we don't even have to apply to college. we just send in a head shot and they send us a diploma. (laughter) which reminds me, i need to mail this. med school graduation, here i come! (laughter). >> jon: but romney has degrees. romney has a law degree, an m.b.a. >> right, but as an underprivileged rich white male he had to earn those! >> jon: but he had a lot of help. he just-- it

>> yes, jon, yes, she did. and who is to say that her truth, jon, is any less true than mine. >> jon: you lied to her to get her into bed. >> jon, when she saw me she was not attracted to me. i instantly thought, we can change that. so i told her a series of facts that were not absolutely accurate in order to realize the much larger truth that i wanted to have sex with her. >> jon: that is horrible. >> what choice did i have, jon, if i didn't say that i wouldn't have had sex with her! >> jon: you are a terrible, terrible person. >> debt usn't matter, jon. i can change that! >> jon: all right. john oliver, everybody. we will be right back. >> jon: right before mitt romney's succession speech conventioneers will as always be exposed i mean treated to a brief biographical film about the nominee. you may not have seen it, luckily we have received it, received an advanced copy of said film and as a public service we would like to show you mitt romney's biographical film shown at the convention. >> this year, the ame

(laughter) >> jon: thank you, sam and 4h$h >> jon: welcome back! my guest tonight, she is the junior senator representing the great state of new york. welcome back to the program senator kirsten gillibrand. hello! (cheers and applause) i want to thank you for coming. we saved a little time and i thought it worked out very nicely. senator, are you having a nice time at your party's party? >> yes. >> jon: how has it been going so far with you? >> i thought michelle obama was amazing last night. did you guys think she was amazing? (cheers and applause) incredible! so moving. such a beautiful speech. >> jon: how does it feel in... you know, it will be 10,000, 15,000 people in there. how does it feel in that hall because obviously we can't get passes. (laughter) so was it very emotional for the people in the theater? >> well, i watched her speech from television and... >> jon: oh, you don't have passes? (laughter) >> (laughs) (laughter). >> jon: i will work on that for you. i will get you some passes. >> but they showed all the women crying. she really

(laughter) >> jon: may i? is it a hint of lavender with a grace note of cedar and perhaps a a bit of ocean sand? is that what it smells like? >> it's axe body spray. (laughter). >> jon: well, this correspondent strike may go down as the least effective action in history. if you are an option, i'm firing all these guys right away. >> whoa, whoa, whoa! (cheers and applause) strike over. strike over. good news, everyone, we've reached a settlement. >> jon: no settlement. you don't work here anymore, oliver, as far as i'm concerned i traded up my '83 toyota for a maserati. >> what are you talking about, john? we weren't on strike. this was just a joke! it was a metaphor. i was just embodying the irony of this current n.f.l. labor dispute in a bit your know, like we do all the time. i can do shakespeare if that's what you want. here's some henry the lion hearted. "now is the winter of my discontent!" >> jon: no, forget it, forget it. >> john, look, the point is, you're out of luck, you're never going to get someone

. >> jon: a labor dispute! yes, as it was in the days of the triangle shirtwaist factory and the pinkerton boys. a labor dispute has once again taught americans about the irreplaceable value of working men and women. >> chicago standoff. teachers now say they will not be back today as their strike enters its second week. >> jon: not that labor dispute. (laughter) irreplaceable working men! not lazy public sector-- fattened on gift apples and lounging in their faculty lounges with their chalky fingers and mugs! (laughter) all of which proclaim they to be the world's greatest teacher! there can be only one! (laughter) (cheers and applause) i think i pulled an about mall mull. (laughter) i'm talking about real workers! >> 2,000 workers in china took to the streets. foxconn has faced charges of poor working conditions, low pay and mandatory overtime in the past. the factory that was the site of riots reportedly makes cases for the iphone 5. >> jon: oh, fruit, you can't escape my blades of ninja. (laughter) oh, frui

jon. >> jon: al, you're at a local barbecue joint. i'm assuming that symbolizes the smoking ruins of america's economy. >> no, i was passing by and it smelled so good. i had to stop because nobody does barbecue like north carolina. [crowd cheering] >> jon: really that good. >> it's amazing. i mean, do you know that north carolina has served a [bleep] i ordered a biscuit and it came inside -- [laughter] it's a productive biscuit. >> jon: thank john oliver. what have you seen in north carolina. >> a few of them [bleep] yes, that's a fact. yes that's a fact. busbarbecue, no barbecue. >> jon: why are you trying to calm the crowd. you're outside. >> it's just weird, that's all. >> i can hear these through the wall. the point is jon, what i've seen so far i need to say it's a modern progressive where none of the stereotypes of the old south apply. a street in the south -- that started of course -- >> jon: i don't think actually that's what got it moving. >> i'm pretty it is jon. it looks like a pretty gay street to me. >> jon: i'm pretty su

. >> jon: yes! the media has finally taken a stand on an issue of this day and said let's bring our boys home! (laughter) bring them home to the n.f.l. because-- mr. goodell, tear down that wall! (speaking german) look, america finally learned what it would take to quickly set al labor dispute, a blown off interference call and an interception that not only cost the green bay packers a victory it cost one unnamed american who had taken the packers while giving the point $200 in one week for one week wearing only a seattle seahawks jersey and a thong. (cheers and applause) by the way, that is clearly someone else's body. (laughter) i don't know what that-- (laughter) if that was-- honestly, if that was a picture of me it was look like a gibbon wearing a jersey. (laughter) i don't know what-- i don't know who he got as a stand-in but-- (laughter). i have-- do you know-- i have so much hair on my ass that blur never would have in any way-- (laughter). (cheers and applause) only one side. the other side

>> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. got a good one for you tonight. our guest tonight, the author salman rushdie. i can't imagine which events currently in the news will be discussed. (laughter) hey, remember the republican conventions that took place two weeks ago. big opportunity for one mitt romney. >> he will have his first major national platform to introduce himself and his ideas to the american people. >> jon: yes! (laughter) after only a solid, let's say, seven years on the campaign trail. (laughter) mitt romney finally had a prime time television slot to introduce himself to the voters. and ultimately ended up getting upstaged by a piece of wood. all right. (laughter) a piece of wood who spent most of his time talking to a chair. boom! (laughter) boom! (cheers and applause) no. i still love clint eastwood. i'm going on record. still love clint eastwood. all right, just three weeks after being upstage bid a chair and completely botching his response to the horrible events in libya, a new announcement from the romney campaign. >> the romney cam

(audience reacts). >> jon: oh. (laughter) well, i guess if the world leaders would like to meet with him personally they can just donate $5 to his campaign and take their chances like the rest of us. (laughter) seriously. i'm sure there's a good reason why president obama's not going to be face to face with world leaders in these difficult and historic times. >> the president obviously has a busy schedule. he has a busy schedule all time. >> jon: yeah, he's got a busy schedule! (laughter) he can't just be meeting every world leader willy-nilly! (laughter) just because he's not meeting them face to face doesn't mean he's not filled with high level strategic room defcon economic simulations. >> president obama will appear on "the view" this morning. (audience reacts) >> jon: moments like these in an election season that you would think would be crushing obama's reelection chances. and yet they are not. why, you ask? (laughter) it's the subject of tonight's news segment "barack obama's the luckiest dude on the planet.

(cheers and applause) >> jon: whoo! so after an inspiring but tight 35 minutes stem winder-- what, that wasn't the end, now that brings me to health care. >> jon: 35 minutes into this thing are you really going to go to health care t is past 11:00 t is kind of a complicated subject, but have at it. >> let me ask you something, are we better off because president obama fought for health-care reform? you bet we are. >> jon: thank you, good night, everybody. and god bless those of you who can still catch the very end of the cowboys giants game on -- >> there were two other attacks on the president in tampa. >> jon: son of a bitch! (applause) what are you doing! (applause) this is not the event from last night that i wanted to go into overtime. but on he went, through welfare reform, medicare, the national debt, immigration, with more fault endings than a james brown concert. the hardest loving man in politics. finally yielded the stage around 11:30 p.m. eastern, past my bedtime. >> god bless you! and god bless america! (ch

captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪jon: welcome to the show. i'm jon stewart.e're still here in denver, it's day two. it's day three it's mountain time. our coverage is 26 hours behind. we must get right to the coverage. last night it was a huge one for the steps. built around a headlining speech by hillary clinton. but the lead up to the main event was full of inspiring speeches from sebelius, paterson, velazquez, schweitzer who is out with a career ending penis injury. brian schweitzer who is going to lead us into the next president of the united states. take that lieberman. they don't need you because schweitzer is in the house. what is the matter you are not jewish. that explains the bolo tie. ultimately it's the former presidential candidate and alien abduction dennis kucinich to ton yorabble rouser. >> wake up america. wake up america! [cheers and applause] >>jon: well, i have been in show biz for a long time. when you do this. isn't it supposed to be a puff of smoke or something like that. i mean a speech or end your shift playing black jack. of course n

you are bordered by iraq, syria-- >> yes. >> jon: israel and saudi arabia. >> egypt. >> jon: and egypt. so how are things? (laughter) >> we've seen better days. >> jon: you run a constitutional monarchy. >> that's right. >> jon: in the middle of the largest democratic i don't want to say uprising but transition in your part of the world. what happens to you? how do you manage that without being deposed like some of these other countries have had to deal with? >> jordan is part of the arab spring also. but the arab spring means something different to every country. different countries are going through different paces. you know, i keep saying that whatever the middle east is going through is going to be something that will take five, ten, 15 years and each country is going to have its own unique experiment of this. the republics have gone through a much tougher version of this than the monarchies, funny enough. but i hope this is something we all look back five, ten, 15 years from now and say that arab spring is a good thing. and i believe it is. so we all have to change. but the pace a

. >> jon: oh, sure, fruits and vegetables, like that counts as food. you know what we call fruits and vegetables at my school, nerd grenades. and i should know because i got hit by a lot of nerd grenades. (laughter) i thought my nick name was incoming. (laughter) all right, sure. this is only for lunches that are subsidized by the government and sure, you're allow unlimb thed fruits and vegetables. but a third of our kids are overweight or obese. and if this keeps up from the government we are never getting that above 50%. (laughter) i'm still not clear on why they're hungry. >> at some schools the amount of food thrown out in cafeterias is shocking. >> kids are now throwing away twice as much food as last year. >> jon: hmmmm, now i am obviously not a nutritionist or an educator but i think if these kids are hungry i guess my solution would be, eat your mother [bleep] lunch! (laughter) you know whose's not hungry in your old pal remmy counting out in the dumpster. because you gave him your lunch. so the usda which has been setting guidelines for subsid

(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. whoa, we got a show for you, joining us from the new york knicker bockers basketball club mr. amare stoudemire will be joining us. we will trade notes on how each of us celebrated yom kippur. now, obviously you have heard about the tensions in syria, iran, throughout the mideast. but there is a battle brewing much closer to home. >> tonight the food fight sweeping school cafeterias nationwide. >> students who say healthy lunches now mandated under federal guidelines are leaving them hungry. >> jon: news flash! extra extra, children think school lunches suck. (laughter) we now go out to our own captain obvious who has been following this story since schools began serving lunch. (laughter) all right, what's the problem? >> smaller portions, fewer calories, less meat and cheese, and more fruits and vegetables. >> some kids are complaining that their lunch doesn't fill them up. >> the new rules limit elementary schoolers to 650-- 650 call reerx 700 calories for middle schoolers and 850 fo

. >> jon: yeah, baby! welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. guests tonight austan goolsbee, former economic adviser to the president now living a glorious and care-free life of decadence as a tenured college professor. barack obama, i'm assuming has just finished his speech accepting the nomination of the democratic party and at the end of it threw down his mike and said [bleep] all y'all. that was weird! (cheers and applause) let's begin the night with night 2 of the democratic national convention where democrats are capitalized-- the passionate populism of deval patrick. the lo qua shouldness of uno e dual and michelle obama who crushed it so hard republicans were desperate to change the subject. >> republicans are now blasting the democrat's platform. >> why would they remove that jerusalem should be the capital imof israel. >> the word god was gone. the one reference before, the republicans had 12 references of god. >> how there can be an entire section on faith if you don't mention god with. what do we have faith in. >> i have faith in a