take my hand, jon stewart. jon jon we will fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: we will fly, fly, fly, jon. >> jon: fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: fly, fly. >> jon: this feels a lot like walking. where are we? this is going to be exciting. oh, my god, that's my old middle school. [speaking in a ghost voice]: that's right, jon stewart, behold. >> i have a millennium falcon for christmas. >> i got an electric guitar. i got a new bike. >> hey, jon, what did you get for hanukkah? >> i got a pomegranate. >> a what? >> a pomegranate. it's a fruit. you eat the seeds. >> what kind of dweeb eats seeds? >> it was the second night. we always get fruit. [laughter] [speaking in a ghost voice]: good times. >> jon: no, not good times. everybody made fun of me because i brought fruit in. >> it had a lot of vitamin k. >> jon: who are you? >> seriously? how long have i worked here? >> jon: new york i mean, in the bit, who are you? [speaking in a ghost voice]: i am the alternate ghost of christmas past. what if you had your wish and being a jew at ch

. >> i don't-- don't make me go, jon. >> jon: what?htmare over there. nothing but money managers and trust funds and trumps, no one knows how to cook or clean or make, what is that thing that keeps you warm. >> jon: heat. >> heat, yes. where does that come from. too many chiefs, not enough indians, you know what i mean, or mexicans. i miss the mexicans. i miss them so much. mi so sorry. why did they have to leave. do you have a clean 1200 bill. >> jon: no, i don't, john hodgman, everybody, we'll be (ah0ap!"á""r>ldn"7h!-xdcxl jdz welcome back, my guest tonight is a staff writing at the new worker. his new book is called dogfight. 2012 presidentate campaign in verse please welcome back to the program calvin trillin, sir. mr. trillin always a delight to see you, my friend. >> thank you, you're looking well. >> thank you. >> i have to say something about this book. >> go ahead, say as much as you can possibly say. >> i have many authors on the program, many esteemed pulitzer prize winner, people of great renown. >> right. >> jon: their boo

(cheers and applause). >> jon: jason jon (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back.y guest tonight, the legendary musician whose memoir is called "waging heavy peace." please welcome back to the program mr. neil young. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> jon: thank you for being here. >> thank you. thank you for asking me, having me. >> jon: we're delighted to have you. "waging heavy peace" is the book. i have read -- there have been a spate of these that have come out, these sort of the rock legend autobiographies. so many of them have a formality to them, i felt reading this like i was hanging out with you as you puttered around your garage or somehow walking around -- (laughter). >> yeah. >> jon: -- inside your brain. it's so -- you wrote this yourself. >> yeah, oh, yeah. you know, ghost writers scare the hell out of me. (laughter). >> jon: nobody likes ghosts. >> nobody likes ghosts. (laughter) no, i'm guilty as charged. i wrote it. >> jon: but it's really -- it has such a hospitable charm to it that -- and your image is not necessarily as warm -- >> (

is jon stewart.uest tonight, right here on this stage, should i say a certain boss from new jersey? (cheers and applause) not that one. governor chris christie. huh? he's the boss. (applause) the other boss. folks, we've been so wrapped up here in this country with our election, our fiscal cliff, our inattention to events in egypt and syria that we forget there are important international stories that deserve our focus. and then there's this one. >> yes, exciting the british royalty is expanding am will and kate with preggers. >> see that, it's a royal baby bump, what a joy to be here on this day of celebration. >> there's the picture on the times, we're expecting. and then i love this one, kate's expectations. (applause) >> jon: not bad. kind of obvious, i mean if you want to go with pregnancy puns based on british literature. why not macbirth or why limit yourself to english literature y not madam's ovaris. (laughter) the prince and the hopper. portrait of the fetus as a young man. wait, wait! perh

(applause) >> jon: how is that possible? >> jon, it's called journalism. listen, i didn't spend three years working for murdoch and hacking the phones of dead sollier's families to not know how to sneak up a royal vagina. whooo! >> jon: pretty ornate. >> yeah, wow. this thing is a crazy upgrade from your standard baby baker. >> jon: yeah. >> the embryonic fluid is a 1911 chateau lafite that was recovered from the titanic. the umbilical cord, hand sewn custom hermes zubling and archival print they brought back just for this little guy. and oh my god, the upstairs milk bar they're putting together? whoa, the selection, whole milk, 1%, soy, goat, milling from a jamaican wet nurse. it's amazing. >> jon: really? >> yeah, it is a suckler paradise. >> jon: it seems like you have your work cut out for you i sure do. but now i'm going to take the next number 2 train out of here f you know what i mean, yeah. >> jon: yeah, no, i-- we get it. >> i will ride one of kate's royal poops into the toilet. >> jon: explanation was completely unnecessary. >> y. >> welcome back

thank you jon: welcome thank you jon: welcome to the show thank you jon: time so glad you're here tor book. >> i know. it's shaped like a book. again it's more of a coaster, jon. it's a christmas coaster. so it's one in a series. next year i'll have happy god-damned hanukkah >> jon: shouldn't a book about christmas have more pages in it than santa has rein deer? >> you know, jon, it's not about quantity. it's about quality, folks. >> jon: oh, yeah, about that. and also it's like i wanted to make a four-and-a-half minute read for people. >> jon: like a song. it's not a book. it's a single. >> thank you. in four-and-a-half minutes he can destroy your children's belief in you santa claus and an entire holiday. and the proceeds benefit firefighters, jon, because santa is not real but firefighters are. ( applause ) >> jon: wow. did you pull that one out. >> i can't take any money from this. >> jon: this would not get me through one bowl movement >> i know. jon: as old as i am now, do you know how many of these i would need? >> here's the thing, jon. the i-pad version of the book, he's tal

(audience reacts) >> jon: go on!> jon: okay, that's freaky, but that's not even the freakiest music video i've seen this week. ♪ i'm coming home, i got a little plan for you ♪ that i just might do ♪ let's do a little dance for two -- ♪ >> jon: that's number one, baby! (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back! my guest tonight is a fine one, stars in show time's "the big c." her new film is called "hyde park on the hudson." >> is my wife behaving herself? >> yes. >> has my mother calmed down? >> she's fine. >> it's like a mad house. >> don't worry. all's quiet on the upstairs front. you look younger than i'd imagined. for a king, you know? >> he s he? >> they both seem nervous. that surprised me. >> without some help from us, daisy, there might not be an england to be king of. >> jon: f.d.r.'s getting hammered. (laughter) please welcome back to the program laura linney. (cheers and applause) nice to see you. thank you for coming back. >> thank you for inviting me. >> please, you know, i love these historical films

&íki÷z÷z-a >> jon: hey, welcome back!ou know the 2012 election was in large part a fight over demographics. the republicans taking pains even if at their convention to highlight the gender and ethnic diversity their party has traditionally done so well disguising. (laughter) and yet they lost. for some reason-- self-deportation-- president obama won a clear majority. -- the country half moochers-- (laughter) of over non-white group. even amongst women. vaginas repel rape sperm. (laughter) romney somehow lost by 11 points. it's a fact republicans can't ignore if they want to win back the white house in two thousand and ever. (laughter) no band-aid solutions. g.o.p. can't just throw in a free pedicure every mandatory ultrasound and call it a day. we're talking about making a real place for minorities and women in a modern republican party and i think the republican party gets that. i assume. >> in washington tonight, the g.o.p. is dealing with the issue of optics and diversity in politics, getting a lot of coverage of the c

>> jon: i've always thought it's strange. grown man with pinstripes and guys are throwing things at 100 miles an hour at your head and you just -- what is the down time in these cities? especially for a pitcher? >> well, if we are a three-game set against the nationals in washington, it's a great city, so i might go see a museum or i'll try to explore the culture of the city. if i'm not pitching that day. but you're at the park for a 7:00 game, i'm never at the park any later than 2:30. i mean, i'm trying to prepare for what i have to do in a couple days. >> jon: do a lot of guys go out and see the museums or -- (laughter) when you come back are they all like "hey, poindexter, what's going on?" (laughter) >> they respect their elders, it's okay. >> jon: that's an interesting point. so here's what's on -- it's incredible enough that a new york mets pitcher wins 20 games which hasn't been done since frank viola in 1980 something. you won the cy young award but you did it at you're 38 years old mastering a pitch that so few pitc

woman: and now, a moment in the life of lil jon. lil jon. [shouting]: yeah! your arm.

. - lil jon? - [voice of lil jon] yeah! - [voice of barack obama] excuse me, lil jon. welcome, ray. i'm glad to have you on board. - oh, [bleep]! what's up, barack obama? ahem! [chuckles] wouldn't that be something if barack obama just showed up? - your start-up paperwork's right over here. [dramatic music] - man, you gotta be more careful. learn to use the shining. tune in and out of it. otherwise, you won't be able to sort out who's talking. - and i'm sick of these goddamn snakes... - just give me the basketball! - on this goddamn plane! - here, yo, coco, what you want to drink, girl? - leo, what are you doing? - drink some colt 45 malt liquor. [overlapping voices] - women dig chocolate! - is everything okay? [dramatic music] - ray! listen for morgan. morgan freeman. he will guide you. - [voice of morgan freeman] listen to my voice, ray. now, just stay calm and focus on that white man. - [exhales] everything's going to be okay. - once you finish up this paperwork, bring it to jennifer in my office. - [voice of morgan freeman] now, pick up that letter opener, and kill that white ma

it's come on, just eat. >> it goes on for hours jon: and you're celebrating freedom >> i like that jon: the jews wandered for 40 years but i can't eat now. we'll have a seder sometime. i always leave a seat open. here's what you've done here. you got this book "god believes in love." the timing of it could not be more appropriate. you have the supreme court of the united states is about to take up the case of whether or not the defense of marriage act is constitutional. is it? >> i'll tell you. the timing was so amazing. you know, we're reaching this moment in which even people of faith -- maybe especially people of faith -- are seeing that there is a way way forward on this gay marriage issue. we're seeing it in all ages, all races, all denominations. you know, they're looking at our families. they're looking at our relationships. they're looking at how we raised our kids. what they're seeing is all american family values. you think the conservatives would be for that. wouldn't you >> jon: it's so surprising to me that this is not a conservative issue to try and bring more people into

my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, alan simpson-- one-third of the singing trio "ashford and simpson and bowles" ( laughter ) you should not get their album. they're not very good. let's begin tonight with america. it's great! and republicans in the united states senate think it's about time america cafta, side it's famed humility and let the world see the awesomeness that is us. >> the nation and the world need strong american leadership. >> we need to continue to lead the world. >> we wanted our example to inspire the people of the earth. >> they're waiting for america to lead the way. >> we are as a nation a beacon of hope for many across the globe. >> we've created a beacon of hope and opportunity for the rest of the world. >> jon: a beacon of hope. a home beacon, a-- come on, world! follow our leadership. did you hear me, world? come on, follow! ( laughter ) don't make me send in the ( bleep ) drones. get behind us. come on! ( laughter ) i will rain down hellfire! ( laughter ) actually this week

>> jon: i'm so sorry. we' b b ;=;=;=m9m9m9n9n9n9n9 [ crickets chirping ] [ traffic passing ] ♪ [ music box: lullaby ] [ man on tv, indistinct ] ♪ [ lullaby continues ] [ baby coos ] [ man announcing ] millions are still exposed to the dangers... of secondhand smoke... and some of them can't do anything about it. ♪ [ continues ] [ gasping ] (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back! my guest tonight, he is the c.e.o. of berkshire hathaway, she is the senior editor at large of "fortune" magazine as well as author of the new book "tap dancing to work: warren buffett on practically everything, 1966 to 2012." please welcome to the program warren buffett and carol loomis. (cheers and applause) nice to see you, sir. nice to see you. (applause) how are you? >> never better. never better. >> jon: great to see you guys. the book is called "tap dancing to work." tell me about this collaboration first of all. you are a very renown and well-respected financial writer. you run -- >> let's not get into it. (laughter) >

jon: i'm jon scott. the latest on the tragedy in connecticut. while investigators search for answers there are some students are heading back to school right now. rick leventhal has the latest from newtown. what is going on there today, rick? >> reporter: jon incredibly challenging times for the community, struggling are with the aftermath after that horrific mass murder. sending kids back to school and reassuring those kids they will be safe in those classrooms. in fact security has been beefed up at the six cools in the newtown school district that reopened their doors today. a sign in one window said, quote, we are strong. the flags are flying at half-staff. the we also saw more moving vans rolling from sandy hook elementary which is the one school still closed. it is still considered a crime scene. all the desks and chairs and equipment and supplies from sandy hook are being moved to another hill. chalk hill, in the town of monroe about seven miles away. that is where school administrators hope the survivors of sandy hook can go back to scho

jon: u.n. ambassador susan rice has been under fire for weeks for her public response to the attack. the ambassador calling it spontaneous and not linking it to terrorism in and several television interviews. however, dianne feinstein is coming to the ambassador's defense, saying that the talking points she was given were wrong. >> i do not believe the intelligence communities should prepare these talking points. i think additionally somebody should have picked up the phone and called and said, tell me the story, what happened. jon: congressman rogers is not convinced. he suggests that someone in the obama administration simply try to change the story. >> it really is beyond the talking points and susan rice. it was a political narrative designed not around what the intelligence said, but what about the best politics were for them. jon: joining us now to help break this down is bret baier. the interesting thing in one of those sound like i'm jim -- the interesting thing in one of those sound bi

jon: i'm jon scott. members of the senate foreign relations committee coming down hard on state department leaders demanding answers why the consulate in benghazi was so vulnerable on september 11th. that is when terrorists attacked the compound and filled four americans including ambassador chris stevens. catherine herridge with the very latest from the capitol hill. what is the headlines this morning, catherine? >> reporter: thank you, jon and good morning. two themes really many donated at this morning's hearing. first of all we had 18 independent reviews before called accountability review boards. senators questioned whether any of them have been fully implement and and whether this one about benghazi would be any different. second of all the witnesses were pressed on a number of very specific warnings that went from libya up to the state department here in washington that this consulate could notwithstand a coordinated attack from terrorists. fox news was first to report on a emergency meeting in be

jon? jon: peter doocy. thank you. harris: an even bigger scandal may be brewing in d.c., one that could raise taxes for every single american. we can't emphasize that enough because that would be a big chunk of money coming out of your paycheck. while the president cut his holiday trip short to come up with a plan on the fiscal cliff, house speaker john boehner says the people who can prevent us from going over it are not from the white house. i want to read you what is coming into other newsroom in the urgent queue. this is spokesperson from senator mitch mcconnell's office. last night the president called senator mcconnell, the first democrat to do so on the fiscal cliff since thanksgiving and other leaders to talk about the need for the senate to act. the leader is happy to review what the president has in mind but to date the senate democrat majority has not put forward a plan. when they do members on both sides of the aisle will review the legislation and make decisions on how to best proceed, end quote. this is

jon? jon: that is very scary stuff. molly henneberg, thank you.ris: the nation is mourning the loss of norman schwarzkopf. he was 78 years old. the man known as storming norman drove out saddam hussein's forces in kuwait in 1991. operation desert storm entered one of our history books. you know, i have read that you say that the general earned every bit of his impeccable reputation as a leader. why is that? >> well, if you look back at where we were when he played a critical role in leading the first gulf war, we had come off of the 70s, which were the carter years, morale is really bad. reagan rebuilt the military during the 80s. then george h. w. bush took over as well. the team that was rebuilt, that new army and air force, the new navy thinking about was actually put to the test in desert storm. it was norman schwarzkopf who was chosen to lead that because of his position as being a commander in chief and central command at the time. what he showed with several things. first, he not only highlighted the technology improvements with his almost