, aye carumba, jon, it's muy caliene >> jon: the pope will be okay with this?maybe not, jon. lets not rule out what vatican watchers are calling the full lenoson aero. benedict steps down promising his job to a younger guy. after looking at a lowly future with no children and just his huge collection of pope mobiles for company he comes back a few months later demanding his old job. >> jon: or benedict says the new job can have his job but he keeps on blessing people an hour before his successor >> exactly, jon. if that happens i'm going full team popo over this. >> jon: popo,popo! popo!wvñrk >> jon: welcome back. as parts of the country recover from the snowstorm there with, what do you call it, nemo... start naming snowstorms. another disaster sent shock waves through the northeast >> dozens of students have been disciplined over a cheating scandal that has rocked harvard university >> obviously this school, the most prestigious in the country. >> jon: it is. just ask any elderly jewish woman with a grandson there. it's the best school in the country. and he

my name is jon stewart. good show tonight. tonight's guest ed whitacre he's on as former chairman and c.e.o. of gm and former chairman of board and executive officer at at&t. i'm going to spend the entire interview trying to figure out why i can't get cell service on the west side highway. you know every now and then a report comes out that we killed al qaeda's number three guy from the fifth time from above a missiled robot plane or we missed him and mistakenly hit a factory that makes civilians? [laughter] well, you might wonder: is that okay? >> nbc news has obtained a government document that lays out the legal arguement to justify the president's use of drones to kill al qaeda suspects including, in some cases, u.s. citizens. >> jon: u.s. what now? u.s. who? i never thought some of the terrorists could be people on america's got talent. you have to be american to be on america's got talent, don't you otherwise it's cuba's got talent. i bet it's specific about when they can order the killing. >> the killing is allowed if t

>> jon: i get it. >> mexicans. [ laughter ] >> jon: right, mexicans. >> the weed (bleep). >> jon: all right, just go. >> jews are cheap. >> jon: all right. there are many, many stereotypes just continue. here we go. obama beat romney about five million votes. that's with romney having won 27% of the latino vote which means if romney managed 17% mas the inauguration would have looked like this. >> jon: wait, what? what is going on with ann romney's hair? >> those bangs were happening no matter who won. [ laughter ] >> jon: does this immigration bill make up for past slights? i mean, gain the republicans the extra 17% they need? they've been hard on the hispanic community. >> probably not, jon. the problem for veabz that while over 90% of -- republicans is while over 90% of hispanics support immigration reform a full 65% of latinos hold grudges. 83% if it's something you did to their sister. [ laughter ] >> jon: al, how long would a grudge like that typically last? what would it take for hispanics to get over the grudge? >> a latino grudge on average lasts just over four generations. so

my name is jon stewart. good one tonight jason baitman. -- bateman. fine actor, funny man. we begin in congress where the senate wanted to get a quick discussion of possible gun control legislation. quit looking at the philosophy of not enacting any gun regulations. if you look at why our founding fathers put it there, they lived under the tyranny of king george and they wanted to make sure free people in this new country would never be subjugated again and never have to live under tyranny. >> jon: or democratic decisions they don't agree with, you know, that's what the guns are for. so the idea is guns are a bullworth against dictatorship. why else do we need guns? >> what people all over the country fear today is being abandoned by their government. >> jon: the wait, what? the -- i'm lost. >> you could find yourself in this country in a lawless environment through a natural disaster or riot. ma rawing gangs going throughout the area looting stores, looting, robbing and raping. >> jon: if you close your eye

>> jon: yes!louts for corporate irresponsibility, never going to happen. >> i heard warren buffett's ketchup conglomerate is going down. if i goes down americans will have hunts ketchup. >> jon: no don't make us do. that i think i threw up in my mouth a little bit. >> exactly. that's why i have to merge with the condiment. that's the new standard oil. all i have is merriam-hodgman, john hancock insurance and chips ahoy. >> jon: you merged with those? >> didn't see you the press release announcing our new name? >> jon: no, i have not. merry cocks ahoy. >> merry cocks ahoy. >> jon: indeed. >> not indeed just merry cocks ahoy. >> jon: have you market tested that name? >> why would i? i want to make sure it sells well so i cep my profits and run a responsible company so i don't have to run to the government for a bailout. you are the dictionary definition of --[cheers and app] >> jon: welcome back. over the years, italy has had its share of problems. centuries of occupation by foreign powers, a variet

>> about $50 billion. >> jon: i always round down. >> it's a big number. >> jon: did -- if they had done an ipo earlier could the taxpayer have gotten their money back, maybe a little nice profit there? i know they did an ipo for half of that? >> had we done the ipo and the government sold its entire share, we the taxpayer would have gotten more back but we're on the path to get it all back. couldn't do an ipo earlier than we did because he you have to se financials, is gm making s money? not making money? how is it going? is it going to survive? how are the vehicles? you couldn't do ill earlier. >> jon: let me ask you a question: how are their vehicles? >> the best. >> jon: now, why didn't they do that before? [laughter] why did they wait until they got bankrupt? [laughter] sorry that's ridiculous. that ipo thing that is interesting to me because -- so in that ipo why didn't we do it? did the administration not want their money back at that time, they wanted to wait a little bit? >> they didn't want to sell all their stock because they didn't. why, you have to ask them, i don't know. >>

any name is jon stewart. my name is jon stewart and i need a haircut. [ laughter ] this is the longest head i've ever had. [ laughter ] we've got a nice one. the actress alison brie will be joining us from the hit show "community." p my guess is she'll in no way tell us what is going on there but i'm excited. let's begin tonight with america. as if you didn't know the reference. i put that up there to let you know. remember that map from the placemat at howard johnsons. [ laughter ] as you know, our country has been on a difficult run. gas prices have risen steadily over the last few months. our president is unsure whether he has the authority to target americans on our mainlandslandsh missiles. and geraldo is thinking of running for senate. it's been a tough run. we decided to do a segment aimed at boasting our morale called we may be (bleep) but -- let me explain to you. let's begin with horsemeat. >> imagine buying frozen hamburgers and litter discovering that the patties you assumed were beef were ground

my name is jon stewart. man, what a program our guest documentary filmmakers lori silverbush and kristi jacobson. they've done a documentary on hunger in america that will absolutely anger you but still while you are watching it have some junior mints or something. just to -- you know. you may be familiar with the new york assemblyman, he took the new york telephone company to task for seeming to weed out employees and took hillary clinton to task for embracing yasser arafat's wife. and yasser arafat took mel gibson to task and also took renee zellweger to task. took the school newspaper at at high school to task. really, really haitz anti-semitism. some of those seem like an overreyak but he feels like he is standing up for a group whenever he feels they are unfairly ma lined. >> assemblyman dove dressed up for a party dressed up in blackface makeup, an afro wig and an orange jersey. [ laughter ] >> jon: what? >> not that it really matters but that is poorly done blackface. he doesn't look like a basketball

>> jon: thank you, jessica. ,x >> jon: welcome back to the show. continuing our coverage of the war on purim -- [laughter] we're going to move on. white house press secretary is perhaps the world's most prestigious (bleep) job. you bawrvegly function as a human shield against what we on earth call what is actually going on. consider what happens when you are ready to hang up the mic. expresidents get big speaking fees or carp pen tri work or they can rob banks. [ laughter ] where does one whose entire job consifting of dissembling to the press go? >> i want to bring up robert gibbs, former press secretary of the white house. >> jon: you go to the class. he has earned his msnbc official retro framed analoglasses. you know who wears wire rims, wait. gibbs has been functioning as an administration mouth piece and now he's flipping. can we trust him? mr. gibbs when you were working as press secretary you answers questions about drones thusly. >> i don't think u.s. officials have confirmed the predator drone air strikes. >> i'm not going to get into the

my name is jon stewart.ist stephen brism he is the author of atime magazine cover story on what sailing our health care system. it turns out our health care system has price cancer and no insurance. [laughter] we've been discussing this week on the program how republicans led by senators lindsey graham and salty mccain are holding up the nominees for the defense and c.i.a. until the senators get the information on what happened in benghazi including who changed the talking points susan rice used on the sunday morning shows so we can be sure no americans are harmed again by the talking points. >> whatever was said based on information provided by the intelligence community on a series of sunday shows bears no relevance on the ultimate questions of what happened in benghazi. there's an obvious political obsession over a series of talk points that again bears no relevance on the essential issues here. >> just a lot of pauses. very quickly. they are not important. they are not relevant. they are not germane. you

>> no. >> jon: would you tell me. >> you'd be the first to know. >> jon: you feel there are efficient measures to take that wouldn't necessarily overstep. >> there are 300 million guns in this country and they are going to be there. the supreme court decision columbia versus heller makes certain that the second amendment is going be alive and well. >> jon: as well it should be but we have to be reasonable about the illegalality. can you stick around -- is there a crime going on right now? >> i hope not. >> jon: hopefully spiderman or batman is there. we'll be rig back. back.

>> jon: you said after panetta. hagel has nothing to do with benghazi which is as good as any other reason i've heard to confirm him. get the other guy out of there, right? months of media inquiries and any number of classified briefings. keep pursuing it. that's fine but why bring the country's business to a halt? you know who is not going to put up with this your pal johnny mccain because he lives by a different code. in a time of trouble and danger for our country, who will put our country first? [crowd responds john mccain] >> jon: they just shouted something at him. that's right john mccain doesn't have time, graham, for your cheap political games. he will get this train back on track like the straight talk express. >> i do not believe we should move forward with this nomination until questions are answered that senator graham and senator ayotte and i have asked to be answered. [laughter] >> jon: what the hell. sorry but it's hard to take your tenacity on benghazi as honest fact finding given, mr. mccain, some

, jon. everything will work out just fine. no need to panic. not like we're four days away from everything we know as the american way of life being destroyed. which is why i have in no way spent the last eight hours having sex with literally everything that moves. >> jon: sam, i mean you really sound like the world is ending >> reporter: that's right, jon. if you were smart you'd be bucket listing too. >> jon: i want to bucket list. the president is bucket listing >> reporter: golf with tiger woods? before that, the miami heat? an afternoon with the ladies of modern family. you know the first lady's bucket listing too >> jon: what is she bucket listing >> reporter: the bangs, jon. nobody over the age of 16 gets bangs unless they know the end is near. that is not all she's been up to. dancing like beyonce with jimmy fallon. giving away the oscar for best picture. personally i would have gone with winning an oscar. you know, it's on my list. >> jon: if this were true shouldn't they be warning

>> good. >> jon: congratulations on everything. >> thank you. >> jon: including the book "long shot." here is what you don't realize he was not a sure shot for the major leagues. you were drafted -- what was your draft position? >> the 62 hnd round. >> 12 teams stopped drafting. [ laughter ] it wasn't a big pride booster coming in. >> jon: did you guess -- you were waiting by the phone and nothing range or you were, you knew it wasn't going to happen. you were going to get a tryout. >> i got a telegram three days after the draft. >> jon: really? >> oh, by the way it was selected. believe it or not i was elated but again, i realized at this time it was a big mountain climb. >> jon: not only do you climb it, more home runs than any catcher in him. .308 batting average. the best hitting catcher bar none in major league history. [cheers and applause] ridiculous. >> it was a great run. >> jon: and almost the more phenomenal aspect of it is that you did most of that or an all of lot of that as an new york met. [ laughter ] and as you and i both know, usually when you go to the mets, you bre

[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart.y nice program for you tonight. my guest ambassador to to unitee united nations susan rice is here. we don't know how we got her on the program but perhaps it's a valentine's wish. want to give a quick shout out to the lovers out there some of whom are clearly lying. all the lovers that thought it might be a good idea to take their significant other on the cruise for the holiday and ended up stranded at sea spending six days crapping into a plastic bag or as the germans call that, the love boat. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] cnn has been on the case for some reason giving this boat crisis wall to (bleep) covered wall coverage treating a stalled cruise ship like it's the shackleton expedition. >> it's a great moment to visually connect you to the daughter you have not seen in seven days. >> jon: yeah, you are not heros, guys. it's not a hostage situation or a baby in a well. you reconnected them. they weren't supposed to see each other. she's on a cruise for a few days. [ laughter

jon>> jon[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back tonight she's the united states ambassador to the united nations. please welcome back to the program ambassador susan rice. ambassador -- [cheers and applause] how are you? >> i'm great how are you? >> jon: doing very well. last i saw you, you were epitomizing the focal point of opposition rage towards the administration. how does that feel? >> feels good to be out of the hot spot. >> jon: it was. so you had to go on the sunday shows on i guess it was september 16, after the september 11 attack in ben ghazi and -- benghazi. why did you have to do that? you are the ambassador of the united nationses? shouldn't it be someone else? >> actually, jon i spent maybe a sunday doing the shows. secretary clinton was asked to do it. having been through quite a pretty intense week with the loss of our colleagues in benghazi, the violence against our embassies all over the arab and muslim world and that friday having to join president obama in grieving the families of fallen colleagues and bringing their bodies back. i was asked as i've been in t

jon: maybe. jenna: just kidding, jon.ble and terrifying scene at this year's daytona 500 the panicked 911 calls after one of the cars slams into a fence, spraying dangerous debris moo into the crowd. jenna: we have new controversy today over going green. some folks who live near wind turbines in one massachusetts town now complaining of adverse health effects like headaches and nausea and sleep issues. the town of fall mouth needs to decide if the turbines need to be attorney down. that carry as hefty price tag with taxpayers footing the bill. molly line is live from falmouth with more. molly. >> reporter: the town erected two turbines with the hopes of producing green energy and a lot of savings t created division here in this community. they might both come down at a very high cost because come neighbors are complaining not just of noise but illness. >> it gets to be jet engine loud. >> reporter: neil anderson and his wife betsy live a quarter mile from one of the tour inches bynes. they say the impact is devastating, h