>> jon: i know, maybe he indicated he -- >> jon, jon -- >> you don't even know what i was going to say. >> don't i know, don't i know what you were going to say. >> okay, fine, you probably do. actually, i think we do v if i may, we have a little more info. here is one of the candidate dave wilson's radio ads. >> this is killing the hopes and dreams of our chrn. >> i have had about enough of him. >> what are we going to do? >> i'm voting for dave wilson. >> jon: and here's dave wilson. (laughter) panel? >> racist. >> smart but racist. >> jon: jason jones. >> i'm going to go with creative. >> i think it's hilarious but it's totally racist. >> jon: okay right, big surprise there. >> excuse me? >> jon: you know, because-- you know, you are -- >> what? i'm what? >> jon: no, no because es -- >> what, what am i-- . >> jon: because he's not-- all i'm saying it would be nice if we could get some impartial judges in here. >> jon: let me just say this, no, no, no. you feel like you're not in a power position, i understand that. let's get some other judges in here. i think that might help. >> ser

(applause) >> jon: that's got to hurt. >> yeah. >> jon: that's got to hurt. >> it's tough but jon this is a moment to celebrate. >> jon: in what way. >> well, john, because it means we're catching up. white people have been watching their musical icons sell out to corporations for decades. it's the american dream. and we're finally achieving it. you go jay-z penney. yeah, man. and jon, jon, it's not like set only hip-hop star who is swapping his glock for soft bedding he made 100 million off his sugar water, dr. dre a quarter billion for his head phone business and you have seen ice cube's beer commercials? he's selling coors in the rockie mountains. it used to be [bleep] for the attitude, now it is [bleep] with altitude. >> jon: i thought of that but i figured it would probably be funnier if you said it. >> correct. >> jon: so you are saying we're just witnessing the maturation of rap as an art form. >> that's right, jon. our music rebels can't be rabel rousers forever. but he's still jay-z, it's just the next time you see him doing this, it may be for his new dandruff aad. he's got 9

>> you kind of have to, jon. i mean you can't talk about presidential (bleep) without somehow bringing up george w. bush. he just had so many. it's like talking about rock 'n' roll without bringing up elvis, gotta respect the king. >> jon: can't we find a bush fiasco that is quite so callous or hyperbolic? >> of course there's guantanamo, my pet goat leek, valerie plame leak. bush left us with presidential terds to choose from. >> i see it as the waterboarding. health care.gov is the towel wrapping around our faces and the board is the failed promise of universal health care. >> jon: ah -- well what is the water? >> i don't know, water is water, jon. what am i robert frost. >> obamacare is obama's 2008 financial crisis. it's the perfect 1 to 1. that was bad. this is bad boom done. >> i have to go with the classics i sat the web site is obama's iraq war because when i think glitchy web site the first thing that comes to my mind is decade long wars started under false pretenses. [ laughter ] and we all remember tha

>> 100,000. >> jon: it's crazy. >> you are 100,001. >> jon: is this it?> yes, this is my last one and i'm on vacation. not that i haven't had a blast. >> jon: it's wonderful. we're getting along famously. i'm not even going to talk about -- you talked about the movie -- >> why would we talk about the movie? >> jon: can i tell you this? i got a cnn breaking news alert when you got your haircut. >> i know. that was seriously the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. >> jon: it has to be this scrutiny. >> can you imagine getting your haircut and finding out about it on the news. it was the wordest thing that ever happened to me. >> jon: in cnn's defense -- if they watched cnn they would bet only ones. i'm going to blow your mind. you've done your work. you can sit back. you are smart and charming but i'm going to blow your mind here. are you ready? >> yes. >> jon: this is something i just found on the internet. >> oh, no. >> jon: look at that picture. that looks like you, yeah. >> okay. >> jon: no good? >> does it? >> jon: it's a you

cover your skin. >> jon: j [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back.y guest tonight academy award winning actor. the new movie is called "the hunger games. : catching fire." >> you fought very hard in the games miss everdeen but they were games. would you like to be in a real war? >> no. >> neither would i. >> what do i need to do? >> when you and peeta are on tour you need to smile and be grateful but above all you need be madly prepared to end it all in love. can you do that? >> yes. >> yes what? >> i'll convince them. >> no, convince me. >> jon: please welcome jennifer lawrence. [cheers and applause] how are you? [cheers and applause] nice to see you. >> good to see you. >> jon: thanks for being here. >> wow. >> jon: you have to be exhausted. >> i'm so tired. >> jon: how many of these crap fests have you done? >> 100,000. >> jon: it's crazy. >> you are 100,001. >> jon: is this it? >> yes, this is my last one and i'm on vacation. not that i haven't had a blast. >> jon: it's wonderful. we're getting along famously. i'm not even going to talk about --

nothing, jon.nly hears the birds and the occasional jet. >> jon: he reas [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. now -- i will say this, new york's mayoral race not the only election tomorrow n. virginia voters will decide between two truly remarkable gubernatorial candidates of their own. [ laughter ] somebody here is from virginia. al madrigal has more. >> virginia in tomorrow's governor's race she could give birth to another leader republican ken cucineeli or democrat mcauliffe. >> they are the worst candidates i've ever seen. >> apparently neither is fit to lead. >> for virginians it's a choice between a far right wing tea party social conservative and a democrat who has been guilty of sleazy business deals and questionable fund raiser. >> reporter: professionor we've heard this before? how bad could they actually be? >> i've never seen unfavorable ratings this tie for the candidates. less than 30% of virginians have a favorable of either candidate. if they were that bad i had to see it for

jon stewart. and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the show, my name is jon stewart. we have a nice one for you tonight. the great geoffrey rush will be joining us. let's begin tonight with healthcare.gov, rhymes with love. last we checked in the embattled obama administration was making a simple promise to the american people. >> by the end of this month we anticipate that it is going to be working the way that it will suppose to. >> it will take to the end of november for an optimally functioning web site. >> we will have it fully functioning by the end of november. >> jon: fully functioning by november? but as of now for some reason the site continues to give people hepatitis. we don't know. (laughter) well, today the president called a press conference to make a slight adjustment to the promise of a fully functional web site by photograph 30th. >> the web site will work much better on november 30th, december 1st than it worked certainly on october 1st. that's

>> jon: what? what? >> people applauding for a man on the way out. [ laughter ] but i'm 76 years old. what you have to understand, jonathan from whenst i cometh, when people cursed, the next thing is somebody was going to hit you. >> jon: what? >> now there's a whole new culture. people curse and they laugh. but for me when you were cursing i started crying. >> jon: no. >> yes because -- >> jon: i wasn't cursing it was yiddish. [ laughter ] >> yes! yes! [laughter] now i have some friends -- jewish friends. so i'm sitting with julius olnick and his wife in their home and she made something for us to eat. [ laughter ] and so, so she says something -- so she's so forth and so on and it's a [pretending to speak yiddish] so i said to her, "what is a [pretending to speak yiddish]? she said, "well it's like a beef stew with carrots and potatoes." >> jon: i know what you had. >> i said, why why didn't you sy that? she said it's not the same. you said well you said "[pretending to speak yiddish [i said supp

(laughter) >> jon: no. >> it's a universal of microbes. >> jon: okay., so is it true that the only way to kill a zombie is to shoot it in the head? >> jon, please, you can to the kill something that is already dead. without a functioning circulatory system distributing oxygenated blood, a zombie's muscles would si cum to rig more 'tis. they couldn't even stand let alone walk. they have no desire to eat brains because the fattiest tissue would have stopped producing the hormone helptin which triggers the sensation of hunger in the first place. just saying. (applause) >> jon: so if i get bit by a zombie i do turn into a zombie. >> of course not. zombieism can't spread through massification. >> jon: that is how they spread it? i always thought they had to bite you. >> no, being chewed on by a zombie. >> jon: good, because they spread it the other way, i mean-- we really would be in the middle of a zombie apocalypse right now. and quite frankly, i would be the leader. >> zombies are a good analogy for viral outbreaksment but when something bites you, you do

>> jon: hey, welcome to "the daily show." [cheers s d applause] my name is jon stewart. an excellent one tonight. our guest tonight mr. tom brokaw. jennifer lawrence is scheduled. she'll be on tomorrow night. tonight is tom brokaw. both talking about the assassination of john f. kennedy. too snoon. [laughter] a little while back on the program i personally don't watch it, i think it's crash. [ laughter ] i may have mentioned something about chicago-style pizza and how it tended to be less pizza-ish than pizza. i was guest tick laying quite a bit during that clip. in articulating that sentiment, i may have implied that deep dish pizza tastes like a string cheese that had been baked for two hours inside of mike ditka's ass. [ laughter ] so i said that on a -- my program and apparently chicago has television. [laughter] >> things things are taking offo the "the daily show" host's jon stewart rant against our deep dish pizza. >> jon stewart trashing our pizza. >> i take big offense because chicago style deep dish is the best. >> picking on our pizza. >> a ribbing. >> take a

jon: thank you ax applause]d >> jon: welcome back to the show.rs and applause] it was quite tasty. [ laughter ] let me explain something very quickly. here is how badly rob ford -- [laughter] -- has (bleep) canada. >> this might come as welcome news for toronto this morning when it comes to cocaine and politics, canada has no monopoly. >> jon: toronto, canada s now the go-to shorthand reference for cocaine stories. me and my friends tonight are going to canada, if you know what i mean. we're going to canada tonight, if you know what i'm talking about. we're going to canada and get so elected. so elected. tell me what political body has joined the queen city in the electoral nose candy club. >> about 30 minutes a u.s. congressman is due in court to face a charge of cocaine possession. >> jon: a u.s. what -- shouldn't be too surprised we all remember the school house rock on how a bill becomes a straw. which congressman got bust there'd? >> elected with 62% of the vote in naples florida. >> republican trey radel. >> jon: trey radel was partying wit

>> jon: poor woman. you know she got into politics thinking this may be a dirty unrewarding business but at least i'll never have to worry about going to work and being trampled by a crackhead. [ laughter ] and there's a reason rob ford may have been worked up by that particular city council meeting. >> the city council in toronto has just begun debating a measure that would strip a crack-smoking mayor of most of his powers. [ laughter ] >> jon: wait, smoking crack gives you powers? [ laughter ] are those powers an unquenchable thirst for crack? [ laughter ] with you oddly in mayor ford's case with great power comes very little responsibility. how did the council attempt to strip him of his powers turn out? >> ford went down 36 votes to five. >> jon: five votes. who voted to continue to give this man power? [laughter] i imagine he must have given an empassioned defense. >> his answer? >> this, folks, reminds me of when -- and i was watching with my brother-- when saddam attacked kuwait, you guys have jus

>> back to you, jon. >> jon: thanks, guys. i appreciate it. l be 'll be .cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. we turn now to a breaking scandal out of washington, d.c. >> he's one of tea parties bigger stars but now senator rand paul stands accused of doing something our third grade teachers would nail us for. >> jon: oh, snap! did he use a magic marker to change clifford the big red dog to clifford the big red (bleep). for the record miss ferguson that crushed. sorry what did he do? >> plagiarism. >> he apparently lifted several lines of his speak directly from wikipedia. >> in the movie gatica in the too distant future eugenics is common -- vincent freeman is conceive and born the old fashioned way without the aid of genetic screening. >> jon: i'm going to pretend here that the thing we're supposed to be concerned about is that rand paul is supposed to be warning people -- he's warning the imunt a threat from an ethan hawke movie. they need rookie cops and for one day a year crime is legal and where -- um -- [laughter] days are broken. [ laughter ]

>> oh, they really needed this one, jon. obama just really needed a win. >> jon: it's been a rough couple months with the president. >> the whole mess with the nsa, congress holding up his appointments ant healthcar.gov roll out was pathetic. >> jon: nightmare. >> a disaster stuffed in a traf industry wrapped in inexmp tense. they call the a cluster (bleep) now this softwear glitch. >> jon: what is that? >> when you try to sign up for obamacare your computer punches you in the dick. [laughter] >> jon: what if you don't have -- >> in your dick. [ laughter ] i mean -- how do you not think about that when you design a web site? obama just wants something to go right for a change. he is so desperate for a win he is playing call of duty on easy to rack up achievements it's a punk move. >> jon: it is a punk move. it's (bleep). i would never do thank i know. his staff is trying trying to cm up. they have him on the white house basketball court right now trying to build up his confidence. >> jon: did they lower the rim for him? >> y

>> jon: very tasty. >> you are a reasonable man. >> jon: it's very, very tasty. apologize. truce.hicago and new york. [cheers and applause] >> there we go. >> jon: thank you. i appreciate that it's very tasty. new york pizza is very good. let's face fact we're not california. california pizza that is -- (bleep). i say with this all due respect to california that is a pile of (bleep). i will tell it what you ain't -- >> it ain't chicago pizza. ararar: thank you ax agreed. h:i(e]c [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to the show. [cheers and applause] it was quite tasty. [ laughter ] let me explain something very quickly. here is how badly rob ford -- [laughter] -- has (bleep) canada. >> this might come as welcome news for toronto this morning when it comes to cocaine and politics, canada has no monopoly. >> jon: toronto, canada s now the go-to shorthand reference for cocaine stories. me and my friends tonight are going to canada, if you know what i mean. we're going to canada tonight, if you know what i'm talking about. we're going to canada and get so elected. so elected. te