dudes, jon. >> jon: i see the one guy. i see you. i see you assif there you are. >> finally, yeah. >> jon: assif, one thing i'm unclear though how could atlanta be so strongly effected by the snow fall when it's just two inches? >> what do you mean jon, just two inches? i can tell you from personal experience that two inches is a lot more impressive than it sounds. people talk about other cities having 12, 13 inches, yeah right. maybe in the movies. there's plenty of cities out there who find two inches way too much to handle. [ laughter ] >> jon: i guess i suppose in some situations i could see -- assif where did you go? you moved to a different -- where are you? >> (bleep). i think they moved me, jon. it's chaos. >> jon: are are you now? i have no idea. >> i i'm told i'm in box 18. it's in -- >> jon: i gotcha. okay. tell me what is going on. >> the the point is it's not the size of snow fall that matters. it's the duration of the condensation if you get my -- >> jon: are you trying to tell us you have a two inch penis? [

my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight author steve brill, the follow-up to the smash hit article tonight we discuss it more. the top stories goes out to all the fellows in the house. [ laughter ] have you gentlemen, for the past 50-75 years or so felt something breathing down your neck? a presence waiting to pounce on what was once yours. you ain't dreaming, buddy, they are called women. [laughter] and they are braking down barriers left and right. they are the subject of tonight's segment jon steu -- [cheers and applause] if i may -- the placement of the comma is actually -- [laughter] [cheers and applause] there's no question the past few months there's been a series of wonderful firsts for women. >> historic confirmation. janet yellin will become the first female chair of federal reserve. >> for the first time in its 325 year history lloyd's of london has a female ceo. >> the auto industry giant has its first ever see mail ceo. >> we have a new ceo who happen it's be a woman, a car gal. i think that's

very excited. >> thank you. >> jon: tim gunn, ladnd >> jon: that's our show.e it is your moment zen. >> you've been watching hannity for us every night now for five months. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jon: you are 23 years old? >> i will be 23 next month. abraham lincoln is my name. >> i will be 23 next month. abraham lincoln is my name. rebuilding the party (deep, distorted electronic tones blaring) bender: this is a test of the emergency hypnotoad system. in the event of an actual hypnosis, you would go limp and watch whatever crap comes on next. coming up next, futurama! (fingers snap) (fly buzzing) (sizzling, hissing) professor, my fry-fro is all frizzy. okay. well, that's all. oh, also, i'm covered with severe burns. so? what of it?! well, why is... those things? (gasps) you mean you don't remember? nope, nothing. it's like when i passed out in college. except no one drew magic marker penises on my forehead. (sighing) well, i suppose it's for the best, considering the unbearable horrors you've endured. let's never speak of it again. it all began a few days a

, jon? if that's a lie, then this is probably just some cheap costume from halloween shop and not a priceless tribal heirloom that beale gave to me out of the kindness of his cherokee heart. >> jon: first of all... sitting bull... >> i guess it's all a lie to you, isn't it? >> jon: sitting bull wasn't cherokee. he was lakota, sioux. that's got a price tag on it. >> apparently his people use every part of the merchandise. >> jon: he's lying to you. i can't even figure out why beale is lying to you. >> exactly. why would he, jon, why would the 1938 wimbledon champion have to lie? he does not. >> jon: john mcenroe won wimbledon in 1983. >> oh, please. now you're going to believe everything that john mcenroe tells you, jon? i happen to have john beale's wimbledon trophy. >> jon: that's a dixie cup! >> excuse me, jon, i'm british. i think i i'd recognize the gentleman's singles championship trophy. >> jon: what else did this guy tell you, that his urine tastes like champagne? oh, for god's sake,

[cheers and applause] >> jon: wow. what a wholly unexpected response to that sean hannity says as soon as i can get out i'm leaving but he has to know it's not east germany. you can really get out any time. large metropolitan area, we've got airports, interstates, seaport. [ laughter ] you could walk. [ laughter ] i would carry you. [ laughter ] but that didn't stop mr. hannity from taking the grievance train toll victimtown which is really the only public transportation he has been on. >> why should i move forward when my governor said there's no place for me in new york. >> maybe he doesn't get it. >> what is the story are you leaving new york? >> we hope for something positive. this is an awful thing what he said. traditional marriage americans are not welcome in the state. protraditional marriage there's no place for you in new york. >> jon:. ♪ there's no place for us, anti-gay, pro-gun no place ♪ ♪ take my hand if you are not a dude ♪ [laughter] so hannity wants to relocate. it's a pretty sweet prize and opportuni

one in davos. >> let me stop through, jon. >> jon: samantha bee is that you? >> yes, jon i'm here in davos, okay. [cheers and applause] i can assure you there's nothing frivolous going on here. the leader it's world economic forum are laser focused on making this a fairer and more equal planet. >> jon: really? because it looks like you are at a party. a party at gatsby's house. >> io no what you are talking about but i hope you are not suggesting that it's on orgy -- >> jon: i never said, orgy, samth that's good because it would be insulting. [ laughter ] >> jon: you are literally at an orgy right now aren't you sam? >> it is a panel on emerging economies and if you'll excuse me i have serious reporting to do )v5"-h"qú",x&"sr6s8s8 [cheers and applause] >> jon: let me ask you a question: if you have a going al letter for google -- alert for google you may have read that going is in a little bit of hot water these days. >> going is under fire in san francisco. >> going is one of the companies that run a fleet of private buses carrying workers every morning to si

the third wave mid nints. >> jon: i -- mid 90s. >> jon: i might have been first wave.e circuit. 930 club and those -- >> mostly in south florida. we didn't get too far up. it was more of a local band thing. >> jon: it would be like thursday night wet t-shirt contest. friday night. >> the worms. >> jon: punk ska the worms. nice. you were playing concerts for llewyn davis. that was in new york. will you do more of that? t-bone burnett, one of mumfords, you. it was crazy. joan bae z patty smith, all these people were playing. jack white. we have to do promoting for the movies. the fact that they used that as an excuse to do really cool things, have shows like that. >> jon: i think other movies should do that, too. hunger games should do that you go around and be like maybe we'll shoot arrows at people. in a theater somewhere. the movie is phenomenal but you in particular it's one of those moments are people will talk but when he burst on the scene with that thing for the long. >> thanks, jon, i appreciate that. >> jon: the kid is good. the kid, i call him. [ laughter ] in

assif thank you for being here. >> thank you, jon. >> jon: wow that is some really impressive homophobiahowcased throughout. >> looks as though mother russia is in complete control of this competition but don't count out america's homophonea. team usa has been regressing all winter and i think we have a shot. >> jon: i have to tell you assif in other years i would say, yes, but this year with this level of competition there's no way. the african countries, russia is too strong. >> ye of little bigotry. we have a strong field. reality star juan pablo of the bachelor. there's a thing about gay people that it stinks to me -- why know -- grace had friends but they are more per vent in a sense. >> usa! >> jon: you stack that up against life imprisonment i don't seen see that guy making the finals. >> to be fair the glaring gap is not his event. check out his entry in the 100 meter backtrack. >> he released a statement on his facebook page saying the word pervert was not what i meant to say. i meant to say gay people are more affectionate and more intense and for a segment of this tv audience

marily çñ >> jon: that's our show.e it is your moment of zen. >> i actually. >> i want to say political character. can i just say this. >> then i need to talk. i don't get it and i doesn't look -- i'm not done. it's a part of her diar - we need to pull together as a team and get this product to the client tonight. - karen, i've got plans tonight with my-- - frank, cancel your plans. [train whistle blows] - karen? karen? [train whistle blows] [train whistle blows] [train whistle blows] [train whistle blows] [train whistle blows] [train whistle blows] [dramatic music] ♪ [train crossing bell ringing]

>> jon: not yet. haven't found it yet. ♪ >> let me tell you something after you graduate from law school you conduct yourself like that in a courtroom your rear-end is going to get thrown in jail, idiot. >> jon: we're getting there. [ laughter ] >> (bleep). okay? that's what it is. ♪ >> jon: i think finally figured out the tone he has set, fu [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight has a new film coming out called "her." >> what do you love most about is samantha? >> oh, god, she's so many things. i love most about her she isn't just one thing, so much larger than that. >> thanks theodore. >> is a samantha, he's so much more evolved than i am. >> you know what is interesting? i used to be so worried about not having a bod body but i truly love it. i'm growing in a way i couldn't if i had a physical form. i'm not limited. can i be anywhere and everywhere simultaneously. i'm not tethered to time and space if a way that i would be if i was stuck in a body that is inevitably going to

>> jon: yeah, i'm going to get real drunk! i just hope i don't see any of them loser potheads while i'm getting all (bleep)ed up because that i would kill my totally socially acceptable alcohol buzz. we clearly nomar -- no that mar yawna is a drug but alcohol is sell bra tory where marijuana leads you always to a dark path. how do we view the effect of beer? ♪ ♪ >> coors light. >> jon: (bleep). beer is magic! it turns an overcrowded sweltering cityscape in a beach. rest ashould the kids will never be exposed to this world that glorifies alcohol consumption unless -- unless they watch tv. [ laughter ] >> it's miller time. frost brewed coors light. >> mick lobe ultra. >> bud light. >> jon: that is one afternoon of watching football. it gives mecir roseis of the -- gives me cirrhosis of the eyeballs. i can't sit down watching football without being bombarded by the harry potter-esque transformative power of fermented hops. not that they aren't looking out for the kids. >> please drink responsibly. >> jon: sorry, i couldn't hear y

>> here we go, jon. >> jon: what is that a wrecking ball there? >> yeah, yeah.re honoring the progress we've made as black people. >> jon: that's nice. isn't that actually what the naacp image awards are for? >> please, jon have you seen how many white people are nominated. justin timberlake, dallas buyer's club modern family, robin thicke. i would admit blurred lines is an inclusive video and dr. king did say i have a dream that black girls will one day dance naked with white girls. >> jon: i don't think he said that. >> doesn't mean he didn't dream it. [laughter] >> jon: so the -- this is a wrecking ball, yes? >> yes, this is the wrecking ball. right there, very nice. >> jon: very nice. >> thank you very much. i designed it myself. >> jon: very nice. >> now the wilmores honor outstanding achievement in breaking down barriers that nobody asked you to break. okay? the first ever wilmore award goods to the naacp image awards. >> jon: very nice. [ applause ] >> for giving black artists yet another chance to lose to white nominees at the very ceremony invented to h

>> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. pbs anchor hari sreenivasen is join us. i want to thank the audience for coming out on what say truly a god forsaken evening with this global warming hoax proving weather. every nation has leaders that fail to live up to the integrity of their office. whether it's greed, incompetence or an insatiable need to smoke crack. to be fair this is before mayor rob ford sought help. this is from two nights ago in toronto. >> [speaking incoherently] >> jon: it's interesting canada has two official languages and i believe that was neither of them. [laughter] of course back here in the states it's the governors currently sucking the glass palm beach metaphorically. >> new accusations against chris christie. former virginia governor bob mcdonnell and his wife face criminal charges. >> jon: both are juicy. the allegedly bullying the governor of the state where i grew up. or the allegedly corrupt governor of state i went to college. last time christie childly boxed traffic. what did they do this tim

very excited. >> thank you. >> jon: tim gunn, ladies and "!hqrrrdx jon: that's our show. it is your moment zen. >> you've been watching hannity for us every night now for five months. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jon: you are 23 years old? >> i will be 23 next month. abraham lincoln is my name. rebuilding the party captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody! (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen")

very excited. >> thank you. >> jon: tim gunn, ladi jon: that's our show.e it is your moment zen. >> you've been watching hannity for us every night now for five months. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jon: you are 23 years old? >> i will be 23 next month. abraham lincoln is my name. rebuilding the party ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woe's behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ ( mumbling ) ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

>> jon: jason, no, come back. >> what? >> jon: there's still a juicy story here. the chemical tanks hadn't been inspected in 23 years. this disaster could have been prevented with simple common sense regulation and enforcement. >> whoa, whoa, whoa and live in an environmental press state. i would rather drink a whole vat of toxic licorice sluj. >> jon: you must agree someone should be held accountable for what happened here. obviously. first of all we need a congressional investigation into this massive intelligence failure and fire the c.i.a. and n.s.a. agents who failed to connect the dots. >> jon: jason, it was not terrorism! >> i forgot you said that, yeah. why the (bleep) am i here? [laughter] (shouting above the chaos) if you're having trouble hearing me... ... you might need to come closer... ... half a world closer! [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. now, the only thing -- this is true. the only thing anyone in new york, noj noj, the en-- new jersey, the entire tristate region is talking about fallout of scandal with chris christie. >> the new may

[laughter] >> jon: jason jones, [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. now, the only thing -- this is true. the only thing anyone in new york, noj noj, the en-- new jersey, the entire tristate region is talking about fallout of scandal with chris christie. >> the new mayor of big apple is dealing with a scannedel of his own. >> jon: what, wait? bill deblasio's scandal? he handled a major snowstorm. did he all right. he is pushing for sweeping reform. he has been doing a fine job. what sort of scandal could he be involved in. >> mayor deblazeo may not necessarily -- deblasio may not necessarily eat pizza like most new yorkers. [cheers and applause] >> jon: you have my attention. [laughter] the guy is like six ten he is a large man does he eat pease sca as though they are ritz crackers. so what? unless he rolls up a pie into a ball and takes it as a suppistory at grimaldi's, i don't see the problem. >> the mayor stopped by for a slice in staten island. he cut his pizza with a knife and a fork. >> jon: mother (bleep)! [audience boos] [laughter] breathe, joh

yes, it is, jon. thank you for asking. >> jon: but it's true, yes? >> yeah.rs and applause] >> jon: that's what i'm talking about, baby. >> the makeup guys who worked on the film got nominated for an oscar and i think they deserve to win because without the makeup of this film there's no film because i cannot prank people as myself. yes, that's true. >> jon: here is why i'm not crazy about that. they did a great job and i respect them and i'm glad they got that but that old man doesn't come to life if it's not for the acting, the man inside. if they get it for being the old man makeup, i think we could see a nomination in the future. >> i'm sure that's coming down the pike. [ laughter ] >> jon: this was better though. you know, do you think you'll do more -- at a certain point the body is going to break down. you have to come up with more characters. >> i was in terrible shape when i started doing stunts and i'm in terrible shape now. i can keep doing stunts because my body so wrecked period. it's done but i still like doing stunts. >> jon: do you ever go in

>> jon: that's our show. at 11:00. you know tomorrow night is steve consumes. very, very funny guy. audience is very upset that they are not going to be here. [laughter] here it is your moment of zen. >> well, hello there tall drink of water. happy new year's people. >> happy new year. >> say something to the nation. >> we've got five minutes of 2014 and we're going to >> tonight a new breakthru in medicine, a pill that doesn't give you a boner. then america is enveloped in record cold, luckily americans are enveloped in record fat. and my guest author ishmael beah was a child soldier, still better adjusted than a child actor. happy birthday to north korea's kim jung-un, please accept our gift of dennis rodman. no returns. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central

hqrrrdx applause]d >> jon: welcome back.y guest tonight he was the secretary of defense in both the george w. bush and obama administrations. his new book is called "duty: memoirs of a secretary at war." please welcome to the program robert gates. sir -- [cheers and applause] thank you for being here. the book is obviously you've suffered an -- apparently you wrote about chris christie and there was retribution. [ laughter ] >> finally brought about bipartisan action, retribution. >> jon: retribution. people are very angry at you inside washington for having the at that merit to -- temerity to write a memoir. i'm not sure why because many people write their memoirs about their time in washington. why do you think you face such scrutiny for this? >> i think first of all i'm pretty blunt and candid about the mess in the place. and, as i say, it's not just about the fact that i was brought to washington to try to salvage two wars but i had to wage war against the congress, against my own building, the department of defense and

the book is cal >> jon: welcome back to the show.e're talking to former secretary of defense robert gates. i want to talk to you about, you know, in these years as a secretary of defense for bush and obama faced down pretty fearsome adversaries, the iraq war reconstruction, the tal ban resurgence but you talk about a fight with a really terrifying opponent, the v.a. bureaucracy. [ laughter ] why is it so difficult to take care of our men and women when they come home in the manner that they deserve? and why is it -- why can we move heaven and earth to -- [cheers and applause] -- why can we mobilize so quickly and so well for intervention but not for backlogs of paperwork? what y- is that difficult? >> i write in the book that the only bureaucracy in washington that is more impactable than the department of defense is veterans affairs. you can have, i think, a very effective secretary like general shinseki who has been the secretary now and has been since the beginning of the administration who is absolutely committed to getting thing

>> jon: i thought it was funny. did you think us discussing this was that we got laughs. >> yeah, a few, not bad. >> jon: do you think it's weird that we worked on this will all day -- [laughter] -- this bit we did here. i don't know if you know this like john oliver how long have you been here? >> seven and a half years. >> jon: seven and a half years but john, we know this, you are a tremendously talented individual. you know we know you are talented. john -- john got his own show on hbo which is long overdue and we're excited for him but this is unfortunately his last night with us. [audience awwwws] i went through a charade of writing this royal nut bit. >> we're to the doing the (bleep) bit. >> jon: of course not. what do you think we're doing here. >> i thought you cared about the queen. >> jon: i don't care. there's only one british royal i care about tonight and his name is prince john oliver. [cheers and applause] here is what i want to talk about a little bit. you came to us from -- i think you came from h

marily >> jon: that's our show.here it is your moment of zen. >> i actually. >> i want to say political character. can i just say this. >> then i need to talk. i don't get it and i doesn't look -- i'm not done. it's a part of her diar >> tonight new advances in cap follow punishment. when will they finally find a vaccine against lethal injection. then how to become a saint. you need a leper, a spare arm and hot glu gun and my guest journalist scott stossel says-- are winners, i don't know if i'm a winner which means i am. over 1.7 million towns of velveeta products recalled from kraft for mislabeled ingreddiants. they accidentally called it cheese. this is the colbert report.