>> jon: what is wrong with you people? [laughing] >> jon: it was his nurse. in the ebola unit, she took care of the ebola man. [laughing] >> jon: what do you mean how did she get -- was is a zoltar wish gone a rye? did she attend a ebola tea party. did she pee in a fountain next to ebola? for god's sake. [laughing] >> jon: a six foot tall case ofy bowla so, we can't count on the news media to take a reasoned approach. surely, surely their graphic department won't let us down. >> right now 48 people are under closed watch who were exposed to duncan before he was isolated. >> jon: alright. sir, the bad news you havey bowla the good news is you have a 30-foot penis. red. anyways the disease may possibly spread from there as the latest victim has intimate contact with others. for god's sake! my god! it's what rick santora warned us about. we sanction gay marriage and now men are giving do dogs ebola in their butts. i think they need a nine-year-old in the control room saying that looks like a penis in the butt. clearly the news anchor is having a trouble drawing

[cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: i'm jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. listen up my guest tonight hadi al bahra the president of the syrian national collision. i'm pretty sure they're on our side or he wouldn't be here. of course our non war in the mid east is only getting more complicated. the u.s. and the collision has been bombing the region for nearly a week. we wonder to ourselves does anyone else want in on this? before all of the good buildings are gone. >> british parliament is expected to vote to join the air campaign against isis. prime minister cameron called law makers to a special session to debate this issue. [laughing] >> jon: law -- law makers debate the issue? cameron, what are you doing? you don't have to put up without answers questions [beep]. just walk out onto the lawn and say we're bombing somewhere and go back inside. bada bing bada literal boom. what are you doing? what is there to talk about. >> look iraq, afghanistan, libya. no success stories are. we going to embark in action that could last for yea

>> no. >> jon: really?o do you worry -- >> i was the cia director. >> jon: so they're afraid of you? let me ask you a question. what are we doing? [ laughter ] it seems like we have a relatively incoherent strategy for quite some time now. typically when you have strategies like that you change it to make it coherent. so we have an idea. we're going to fight isil. it's incredibly evil, and we're scared of them. but we're only going to fight them from the air, and only in certain places at certain times. does that sound coherent? >> i guess it will depend on what happens with kobani. you know, look, when you're dealing with something like this, and threats like this that frankly moved as quickly as it did, i think what happens in washington is, how do we move on this? how do we deal with this? how do we confront it? the president decided we're going to confront isis and put troops on the ground in iraq and try to train the iraqi security force. >> jon: not troops on the ground. we're calling them advisers. >

>> january. >> jon: january. >> jon: january. lena dunham.f the car, with the virtual freedom of wi-fi. chevrolet, the first and only car company to bring built-in 4g lte wi-fi to cars, trucks and crossovers. hi mom. you made it! anncr: it's the new independence. ♪ want to change the world? create things that help people. design safer cars. faster computers. smarter grids and smarter phones. think up new ways to produce energy. ♪ be an engineer. solve problems the world needs solved. what are you waiting for? changing the world is part of the job description. [ male announcer ] join the scientists and engineers of exxonmobil in inspiring america's future engineers. energy lives here. mm. feel it. j.j. watt? you know there's a game on tonight right, amy? oh, i know, but it's my turn to chaperone. right, but you could do both. how? nfl mobile is now free with the more everything plan from verizon. i have verizon! download it, you can watch the game right here. come on, let's boogie! oh, helen. for the first time watch live local sunday games on

no, jon, no.ustin sets the trends, dallas finds out about them five years later. [ cheering and applause ] >> jon: there's no way ebola makes it? >> doesn't need to. austin already brewing its own locally stored, organic, cage free -- >> jon: what's that? what's wrong? >> what do you think wrong i got the ebola. >> jon: are you sure? >> what else could it be? ever since i got to austin i've had nash a, fever, sweating, profusely, intestines feel like the inside volcano. >> jon: calm down, jordan. retrace your steps. since you got to austin where have you been? >> right before the show was eating brisket at a food truck. before that had this amazing pulled pork also from a truck. this morning was breaks ribs from the trunk. and last night at the airport when i stepped off the plane they adorned me with this barbecue lai. >> jon: jordan, i think i know what is wrong. i don't think you have ebola i think you have the meat sweats. or maybe -- >> maybe i'm not eating enough meat. >> jon: no, jordan, do

(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show! i'm jon stewart. i'm happy you've joined us. my guest tonight, ben affleck, will join us later. (cheering) very talented. you may not know this in the studio, apparently, ebola is in america. guess we'll get to that tomorrow. (laughter) done and done. but first, as america confronts the seemingly unstoppable dual threats of isis and surprisingly fast white house lawn-runners, we find ourselves selecting a new crop of midterm legislators. let's go to iowa! where sunday's senate debate saw democrat bruce braley and republican joni ernst present a real choice. >> senator ernst would have voted to shut down the federal government with ted cruz, she's called president obama a dictator and thinks impeachment should be on the table. >> okay, braley paints ernst as a reactionary. >> you threatened to sue a neighbor over chickens that came onto your property. (laughter) >> jon: >> uhh...touche? you're an ultra-partisan ideologue. oh yeah, well, you don't like having chicken (bleep) on your lawn! boom! stay dow

>> it's actually cool. >> jon: al all right.t this later, he's phenomenal. >> no, he's great. he's great. (laughter) so this film, what they wanted, i don't want the say ghost director, but, you know -- >> jon: oh, did he come to you for a lot of advice? >> a lot of help. he's a guy that's new, looking for help and said, hey, you wouldn't mind making the decisions? you're a good kid you're starting out so in terms of casting maybe the entire movie, that's mostly you. it's amazing. >> virtually every shot in the movie, i am entirely responsible for. >> because it's getting tremendous reviews. >> i know, isn't that fun! >> jon: yes! >> i wasn't going to come out in front of the movie. david is an amazing -- >> jon: yeah. >> it was as much about getting to act for him which is great because he really protects you and he's very smart and makes a smart movie and it's also like stealing stuff as a director. these are the kind of movies. >> jon: the fandom, you're in the swamps where people have very high expectations. >> oh, yes. >> j

captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight-- it's a good one-- jeremy renner. jeremy renner is going to be here for the new film "kill the messenger." man, is it a good story. first, remember the big financial crise, 2008? ( laughter ) if you remember tyou weren't there, man. ( laughter ) that was woodstock. anyway, it tanked the economy. well, when was the last time you got good and angry about it? want to? ( laughter ) all right. you asked for it. remember how we gift wrapped $184 billion to insurance giant a.i.g. to purchase that company's terrible mortgage bets so that their incompetence wouldn't become a global extinction event? ( laughter ). we just got the thank you not. >> former american international group hank greenberg is suing the architects of the government's response to the financial panic of 2008? >> he claims the bailout violated shareholder rights. >> jon: really! ( laughter ) so just to set the table for you here, the largest shareholder of a.i.g.-- wasn't running it at the time was just t

>> january. >> jon: january. >> jon: january. lena dunham.ysical freedom of the car, with the virtual freedom of wi-fi. chevrolet, the first and only car company to bring built-in 4g lte wi-fi to cars, trucks and crossovers. hi mom. you made it! anncr: it's the new independence. so i get invited to quite a few family gatherings. heck, i saved judith here a fortune with discounts like safe driver, multi-car, paperless. you make a mighty fine missus, m'lady. i'm not saying mark's thrifty. let's just say, i saved him $519, and it certainly didn't go toward that ring. am i right? [ laughs ] [ dance music playing ] so visit progressive.com today. i call this one "the robox." oh, cheez-it grooves. it's a cheez-it, but it's light and crispy like a chip,ki. there's more than one world? they're among us? you're one of them. help! he's got a probe! it's a pen. we take the time for our cheese to mature in our cheez-it grooves. (dootrick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm! [ >> jon: that's all the time. tomorrow night at 11. >> the president does have fu

[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart. my guest is on the zach galifianakis will be joining us. the excited news can look who is here. she made it to the show. [cheers and applause] >> jon: a gentleman in the audience with his wife of 25 years. only one ticket was left. here is my impression of him at the time. i don't know her! they're boeing here together. we saved their relationship. well, i'm just happy. but -- first it's time for a daily showy bowl a update. brought to you by arbys. arbys. a lot of things cause diarrhea. [laughing] > jon: really no reason for that. all they do is send us platters of food. they are the loveliest people in the world. let's begin in dallas where a nurse has contacted ebola from a west african patient. >> this morning this quaint dallas neighborhood is on high alert. >> jon: wait, wait. cleaning guys? decontaminating ebola and you have cleaning guys. were bros with a hose not available? i shouldn't worry. they look like a thoroughly professional opportunity. oh, look a hair pin turn, tryi

>> jon: welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart. glad to be back. excited to be back. my guest, former secretary of defense, leon panetta a new book called ready to fight. with iesz isis. that's them. terrorist army rampaging across the middle east. an organization so vile, just thinking about it is enough to make you vomit non-stop for hours on end. sitting on the toilet drenched in sweat. i had a bad day yesterday. [ laughter ] why is it seafood newberg is not all it should be. what is it? this group is a grave threat to all of civilization. president obama: this group has terrorized all who they come across in iraq >> it's more frightening than anything i think i've seen. >> they are an imminent threat to everybody interest woo have president obama: we will hunt down terrorists wherever delay are. >> jon: wherever! even under your bed. look out! should have taken it. >> we'll have to change that. here's how serious the threat it. the entire international community is coming together to stop it. >> the united states boasts a coalition of more than 40 countries as par

>> january. >> jon: january. >> jon: january. lena dunham. ♪ >> jon: january. lena dunham.our favorite songs, always playing. ♪ may you never be stuck behind a stinky truck. ♪ may things, always go your way. but it's good to be prepared, just in case they don't. toyota, let's go places. safely. and this is the new ♪this is iphone 6 plus. 6. they're the biggest iphones ever made. they're huge. yeah, but their size is just the beginning. even though they're huge. sure, sure. but they could change the way you see the world. oh, that is so huge. they could improve your health. huge! they're the biggest, most powerful iphones ever made. huuuuuuuggggeee! huuuuuuuggggeee! stop it, please. huuuuuuuggggeee! stop it... thank you. ♪ huge.♪ [ >> jon: that's all the time. tomorrow night at 11. >> the president does have full confidence in director pearson and other members of the secret service. >> the president continues to have confidence in the men and women of the secret service. does that extepd to director pearson? >> the president concluded new captioning sponsored by comedy cent

matter anymore, jon.o want to go near the president now that he has ebola. >> jon: the president has ebola if how did the president get ebola? >> from what i understand, ebola just jumped the fence ask walked through the front door. >> jon: no one there noticed? none of the security noticed a six foot tall yellow virus entering the white house? >> nope, nope. as a matter of fact, it was a few days before anybody noticed anything strange. people got suspicious in a cabinet meeting when ebola pro posed an initiative to spit in each other's mouth. plus going into a room which frank sinatra had been. >> jon: ebola is serious. is the president going to be okay? >> he'll be fine. ebola won't stick around. it says it doesn't feel safe in the white house. >> jon: all right. at t-mobile, get 4 lines for just $100 bucks. with unlimited talk & text and now up to 10gb of 4g lte data. grab the hottest new phones. get the best trade-in value on your current phone guaranteed. let's see the other guys beat that. get 4 li

. [ . >> jon: welcome tolt daily show. >> we worked on t.re very excited. our guest tonight is ben steele to talk about his documentary, "hunted: the war against gays in russia". it has footage you can't believe it. how did you get people to come on and say that?cñ holy (bleep). çlaughterÑ >> jon: but first, if you've been paying attention to the news lately, you might have heard, we're all going to die. >> ebola in america. >> very deadly and contagious virus may have spread. >> the global fight against isis. >> warning of attacks the in >> crisis on the border. who's coming to america. >> jon: we have a border so poreus that ebola or isis or ebola otd backs of isis could come through the border. i've got to say ebola on the backs of isis should sound terrifying, but how cute would that be, to see isis giving ebola to piggyback ride? ebola. so america is under attack from ebola and militants and porous borders. and while the number of deaths can be counted on two simpsons hands, what are we going to do about it! >> we're going to do whateve

let's go places. >> jon: that's our show!ment of zen. >> the doctor put president obama's coffee cup salute on the couch. >> as a psychiatrist we may see these things unfolding, these episodes or anecdotes wherein the president seems to be at war not just with our ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the report," everybody! thank you for joining us! (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you so much! welcome, everybody! hold on one second. i forgot to do something.

jon: you sent more. >> i did. jon: are they loan sharks there?the members for more and more money i think i have given $200,000. then a bunch of money to support democrats in texas, battleground texas. [cheers and applause] >> we're trying to turn texas around. >> jon: i was under the impression democrats didn't -- [laughing] >> jon: i won't say anything, i am pretty sure a bull just died. so, how many, i know the democrats talking about money out of politics, money oust politics. they seem to be so focused on getting money they don't have money to get it out of politics. citizens united and the supreme court decision money has become a bigger part of politics. there is a big debate about how much do you rely on super packs. do you take unlimited contributions or not. you're right. it's a competition of large super packs. >> jon: how much in your day is spent on the pursuit of cash on atypical day. >> it depends if it's a competitive district. my district is democratic so -- so i, but if they're in competitive districts. some friends in competiti

that ruins the value. >> jon: oh,. >> jon, jon, they can do that back where they came from. they're mad add hell. one native total me-- and i quote-- "this is not the austin i grew up in... when i moved here two years ago." ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: i gotta tell you, i kind of know what they mean. i got here sunday, and it has changed a lot since then. >> jon! you should have been hered is. much better time. >> jon: i understand. we're going to go out right now to jessica williams. she is downtown in austin. jessica. >> yes, hi, jon. ( cheers and applause ). hi, jon. i'm here at the austin bureau of investigation, where they're coordinating what can only be described as a top-secret sting operation toned this immigration nightmare. >> jon: another top secret, i got that. let's hear the details. >> jon, i'm told austin officials will be placing an ad on craigslist, seeking a keytar ukelele player to join a lana del ray cover band. >> jon: that sounds kind of-- >> mainstream for austin? dude, i know. they're trying to cast a really wide net, and as soon as they show up t

. >> jon: really! ( laughter ) so just to set the table for you here, the largest shareholder of a.i.g.-- wasn't running it at the time was just the largest shareholder-- a couple that was hours away from bankruptcy is sighing the entity that through sheer force of $184 billion saved it-- or-- let me put it another way. yeah, you gave me c.p.r., but would it kill you to take a breath mint? ( laughter ) what if any is the legal basis for hank greenberg's claim. >> dwree and his investment firm star international charging the government violated a.i.g.'s fifth amendment rights by charging it high interest rates on loans and by not compensating them properly for taking what became a 92% stake in the company. >> you can't just take property without paying for it. >> jon: you can't! ( laughter ) i think $184 billion is paying for it! look, all right, so he believes $184 billion was not worth 92% of the company. it was unfairly low. look, i don't want to be a dick-- he may be right. let's check the-- let's c

>> jon: welcome to the daily show i'm jon stewart. day two austin, texas. [cheers and applause] we're having a ball. having a ball. i am, i am, i will say this. i am full. i am full. i may actually sleep tonight in a flower tortilla. i may go in it and roll up. i think that's what they ask you at night. would you like to sleep in a flour tortilla or acorn tore tee ya. we're excited. austin texas. our guest represents texas' 20th district jaquin castro. before we get to that. what about the president. nobody likes him. everyone hates him. accord to get white house press secretary there are reports that the president thinks he should -- even democrats running frantically from barack obama like he was a bad guy in a chain saw massacre movie you have here every couple of years. it's the subject of tonight' tos discussion. how toxic is the president? innocuous question turning no i got you. >> did you vote for president obama 2008, 2012? >> this election isn't about the president. it's about -- >> i know. >> it's about making sure -- >> i was a delegate for hill

i think it does show -- >> jon: it is objective. >> yeah. which i had was very much on a day by day basis. i didn't know what i'd be filming later that day or in an hour or two. i was taggingyo along with them. >> jon: they want to you shut it down. they go at you. >> in one of the scenes a young man comes in lured to the flats and they then start to assault him. they push me out of the room. i forced my way back in, and they ordered me to put the camera down, but i keep filming for two reasons. one,rx2,ñ think it's partialit see what's happening, but also because i'm concerned what's going to happen to the young man. and my filming, i feel i am acting as a bridge on the violence which could occur. >> jon: it's phenomenal access to something you have a hard time believing it real, and i truly hope they get hbo in russia. i don't know if they do. chances are they don't. but it's remarkable work. as they say. "hunted: the war against gays in russia", premieres on hbo. ben steele. [ applause ] [ applause ] . anncr: now you can merge the physica

: i get it. >> the point is, don't shave your balls, jon. >> jon: i understand.e you now? >> well, jon, right now i'm at florida's scrotogen labs where they are working night and day to combat floridian ball sweat. >> jon: how is the research coming? >> let me show you an early prototype. >> jon: is that -- sam, is that an open fan on the inside of the underwear? that seems like any cooling benefit would be undercut by obviously the mangling. >> yeah, well, after years of trials, they have come to that same conclusion. so i give you the testi-cool 5000. >> seems complicated for underwear. >> you get used to it. >> they don't seem particularly effective in terms of cooling in a debate environment. >> well, there is one other option in development. it's a vertical ventilation open port aperture. it's of course manually operated. >> jon: so basically your advice would be keep your fly open. >> i guess for the layman, okay. >> jon: thanks so much, sam, >> jon: thanks so much, sam, good luck. there are more reasons than ever why now is the best time to be on verizon.