give it up one more time for jon batiste and the band over there! jon!ou guys sound particularly good tonight. can you let the people at home know who you've got sitting in with the band tonight? >> jon: my good friend, the great trombone shorty ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you for being here. i hear you have two shows at terminal 5 this weekend? >> jon: that's right, two shows. happy to have you back. thank you for bringing the power! ( cheers and applause ) my first guest has made over 200 movies including "rush hour" and "shanghai noon." his latest is "the foreigner." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: please welcome jackie chan! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) hey! come on up! >> thank you! wow! what a lovely audience. >> stephen: well, they love you. i imagine you must get a standing ovation all around the world. you're not just a movie star. you're an industry. $2 billion made with your movies. you've got successful movies and businesses all over the world from wines to gyms to segue dealerships. can you go anywhere in the wo

give it up for jon batiste and "stay human" right over there, ladies and gentlemen!ephen: folks, i'm a real animal lover. i especially love dogs which is why i do a segment on the "late show" called "rescue dog rescue," where a celebrity guest and i help find rescue dogs a home by lying about how great they are. ( laughter ) and i'm proud to say that, so far, every single dog that we have successfully been adopted. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. and i've got great news-- i'm about to do it again. it's time for another edition of "rescue dog rescue!" ♪ ( howling ) ( cheers and applause ) hello! of course, it is nearly all hallow's eve, so we've got a spoooooky batch of puppies back there. here to help me out is a man whose bark is worse than his bite, billy eichner! ( cheers and applause ) hi, billy! good to see ya! thanks for joining us, billy. are you excited to help lie about some puppies to find them new homes? >> yes! and that is the "first" lie-- because i have a serious dog allergy and they'll flare up if i hold a puppy. >> stephen: okay. that's not a joke. it's

later who will be forced to learn it. >> dickerson: if you want to see our full conversation with jon batisteo website at thenation.com. we'll leave with you a listen and a look at john batiste's reimagined "battle him of the republic" we'll see you. ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org the following is an important paid program about humana medicare advantage prescription drug plans. welcome to your medicare your decision, the program that guides you through the medicare options available from humana. there are many different medicare choices available today, but are you sure you have the right medicare plan? are you with the right company? do you wonder if you could save money with a different plan? no matter what medicare coverage you have now, this program will give you the information and facts you need, so you can make a smart decision, on how you can start with healthy, enjoy life and get the right medicare plan from humana. hi. my name is sam davis. and i'm going to tell you about exciting plans available to anyone with medicare. th

>> stephen: that's our friend, jon batiste. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yes!. >> stephen: this is what jon looked like. this is what you looked like on our very first show. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: doing 200 shows a year takes its toll. >> jon: yeah, that's right, that's right. >> stephen: this one i just-- this one literally just came in, like, an hour ago or something like that. this was just this afternoon. okay, this is william jefferson clinton right there. looking pretty cool, leaning up against the car. can you get in closer than that? can you get even closer to that, show that? that's either bill clinton or fat baby elvis. not sure. either one. it's an honor. either one of those, it's an honor. and the last one i have here, this isn't actually a celebrity, but i want to show this one because it says here, "i'm not a celebrity, but i've been told i'm stephen colbert's long-lost sister. does that count?" let's attack a close enough shot. yes. i don't think-- her name is veronica, and i don't think she looks like my sister. i think she looks like s

with the late show with stephen colbert's band leader jon batiste. it's all ahead on "face the nation." good morning and welcome to "face the nation" i'm john dickerson. late friday the news broke that special counsel robert mueller's investigation into russian attempts to influence our election has resulted in at least one sealed indictment. charges are unknown and so is the person or persons under indictment but that hasn't stopped the speculation about what mueller might have found. the suspense is probably only temporary as those charges could be made public as early as tomorrow. when a judge will likely unseal the indictment in order to make arrests. now to what we do know, one of the president's toughest critics, senator foreign relations bob cocker he joins froes chattanooga, tennessee. i want to start with the sealed indictments. things are volatile in washington these days what do you think this is going to do to get things done say on tax cuts and that kind of thing? >> well, john, i have no idea. i don't know the substance. i have no knowl

password was "hey guys." ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! me back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) jon, i'm very excited. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: because moments from now, jon-- >> jon: i know! >> stephen: --moments from now in that chair, we'll have the one, the only senator bernie sanders sitting right there! ( cheers and applause ) pretty excited. i'm also excited because we were talking about steve bannon a little bit earlier-- y'all can have a seat-- and we were talking about steve bannon a little bit earlier because they teased a little bit of him this morning on the "cbs this morning." tomorrow morning, more of charlie rose's interview, a preview of the "60 minutes" interview this sunday will be on "cbs this morning" tomorrow morning. check out this show a week from tuesday, the night after i host the emmys. a week from monday, i host the emmys. ( cheers and applause ) no, no, a week from sunday, i host the emmys. a week from tuesday, hillary clinton will be sitting in that seat right there talking about her new book, "what happen

only at jack in the box. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human"! erybody give it up for the band right there! ( cheers and applause ) oh, jon. i know, you go to church, go to love and serve the lord. i do as much as i can. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: i like to go to confession when i can. when i can't, what i like to do is sell my new book this is stephen colbert's "midnight confessions!" i'll give you some of the examples. sometimes i wish i had more health problems because the people in pharmaceutical ads have more picnics than i do. >> jon: wow. >> stephen: yeah, all of that and more is right in here. get it for a friend. get it for an enemy. let them feel some of the guilt you're feeling on my behalf. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: here's the thing, i'm so busy, even when i try, i don't get to confession as often as -- at all. ( laughter ) so if y'all don't mind, i'd like to confess to you, my audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: this is stephen colbert's midnight confessions. ( cheers and applause )

( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: give it up for jon batiste and "stay human,band! ( cheers and applause ) hey, jon, happy thursday! >> jon: happy thursday! >> stephen: only one more day to the friday. hang in there, buddy. >> jon: yeah, mm-hmm. >> stephen: you know, guys, puerto rico is going to be rebuilding from hurricane maria for months, if not years. and we wanted to do something to help. luckily, i'm best known as a ben -- as an ice cream model. i got this here the ben & jerry's americone dream. there you go. i put all the money i make from my ice cream in the americone dream fund, and every year, we give it to charity. so with the help of my friend nick kroll, we launched a twitter campaign encouraging celebrities to post photos of themselves during their awkward teen years, with the hashtags "puberme" and "puerto rico relief." the americone dream fund is giving $1,000 for every celebrity -- i decide what a celebrity is -- ( laughter ) -- to the one america appeal. and for the last week, we've been showing you some of the best submissions. i like to sta

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: thanks, folks! oh, thank you one and all! ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) for the last 24 hours, donald trump has been the president of busy town. this morning, he signed an executive order to get rid of some key provisions of obamacare. for instance, the care part. ( laughter ) trump made a big show of it -- it was in the white house, gathered the media, bragged , got cabinet in, bragged about how great it was going to be. then came the big moment, the signing. >> we will have great health care in our country. thank you all very much. appreciate it. thank you. ( applause ) thank you very much. thank you. ( applause ) thank you, everybody. i'm only signing it because it costs nothing. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: he for

jon batiste and "stay human" right there! there's the man!cheers and applause ) john, did you have a nice weekend this weekend? >> yeah. >> stephen: i had a fun time this weekend because some people may not know it out there, but i got a little side hustle going on as a mascot for an ice cream, stephen colbert's americone dream right there. ( cheers and applause ) and if you do the dairy, check it out because all the money i get from this goes to charity. we usually give it away at the end of the year, but last week nick krol was on the show to talk about his new netflix series big mouth which is about the awkwardness of puberty and he asked us and other celebrities to tweet our puberty photos, and i said for every celebrity who puts up a puberty picture of when they're 13 -- and i'll decide what a celebrity, is thank you -- i'll give a donation. how much money should go with each celebrity who does this? >> i have no idea. >> stephen: how much? $1,000. >> stephen: well, $1,000 per awkward photo, and the response has been wonderfully awkward.

[ sighs ] i've got to start booking better gigs. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) jon batistecome on! oh, my goodness! ( cheers and applause ) jon, you know, thanksgiving is going to come up in about a month from now. between now and thanksgiving, what have you got there? >> halloween. >> stephen: halloween. and you know what i like to give away on halloween? >> oh, what's that? what you like to give away? >> stephen: i like to give away my book. >> oh, snap! >> stephen: stephen colbert's midnight confessions. this thing is packed with great advice for children. children will learn so much from reading this. for instance, here's a confession from the book. >> okay. >> stephen: i take credit for other people's work, and if i had writers, they would be pretty pissed. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, snap! >> stephen: so buy this book, get a stack, put them by the door. no candy, it's poison. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: you give children candy instead of this, you hate children. that's something you have to confess. >> jon: oh! >> stephen: john, june, we're in, sadly, the midst of

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you didn't think i was coming! you didn't think i was coming. hey, everybody, thank you very much, very nice. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) hey, hey, remember that time when rex tillerson called donald trump a moron? layoff laugh we were so young back then. well, now we know why tillerson said it. we knew it had something to do with the military or the pentagon. it was kind of vague, but here's what happened. apparently, over the summer, trump met with top military officials and said he wanted a nearly tenfold increase in the u.s. nuclear arsenal. a tenfold increase? excuse me while i one-fold into the fetal postion. ( laughter ) he knows we can already end all life on earth, right? the cockroaches will survive, which is good news for steve bannon. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )

featuring jon batiste and stay human., live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: thank you, sir! ( cheers and applause ) lovely! lovely group of people out here tonight. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( applause ) upon ladies and gentlemen, so far, it has been a rough start to the school year for donald trump. his report card is definitely going to say "has problems working and playing well with others." and there's not much we can do. what can we do? because the oval office doesn't have any corners. you can't put him in a time-out. because it's open warfare between trump and republicans. it all started in an attempt to avoid open warfare with north korea. ( laughter ) you see, secretary of state and disappointed father tribute head, rex tillerson, was in the middle of tense negotiations about north korea and their nuclear program, when trump tweeted that tillerson was "wasting his time trying to negotia

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how are you? hey, folks. thanks very much. ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, welcome-- welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) hey, i don't know-- i don't know where you guys live, but you ever see, like a crazy old guy yelling on his front lawn into, like, a crowd of people gather together and start taking pictures and, you know, yelling pictures of him? well, today that lawn was 1600 pennsylvania avenue, because this afternoon, grandpa baggy-suit held an impromptu press yelling next to what sounded like an industrial grain combine. and he had some specific things he wanted to talk about-- specifically, everything. for instance, a lot of people have been talking about the fact that three republican senators-- flake, mccain, and corker-- have called donald trump unfit for office. sure. ( cheers

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and, now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: very nice. very kind. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. now-- ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) quickly here, hurricane irma-- you guys heard of this? hurricane irma, it continues to grind its way through the caribbean. it's the largest atlantic storm in history, with sustained of up of up to 185 miles per hour. so, if you're in its path, please don't be. if you haven't already left, please follow the guidance of your local officials regarding evacuations. but if you are staying put, might i suggest following the storm-prep example of eccentric billionaire and guy most likely to make his own jurassic park in real life, sir richard branson. ( laughter ) the goat-headed demon god actually owns a private

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, what's going on! hey, everybody. please have a seat, ladies and gentlemen. you're too kind. welcome. welcome, one and all, to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) folks, this week-- this week, those of you who watch the news, this week in washington, d.c., the thinkable happened. republicans are trying to repeal and replace obamacare, again. this is beyond beating a dead horse. this is getting damn close to beastiality, okay. i hope that horse has a safe word. "pumpkin patch" is what i recommend. you might remember, back in july, republicans tried a plan called the "better care reconciliation act." it would have cut medicaid, increased premiums, and left millions uninsured. whereas, this new bill has a different name. this one's called the "graham- cassidy bill." and south dakota senator john thune paid one of its autho

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) hey, what's going on! welcome. welcome, ladies and gentlemen. you're very nice. i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show"." well, i don't know if you're paying attention, but internal strife is tearing the republican party apart at the seams. it's like a new civil war, only neither side is trying to help black people. ( laughter ) the latest shots from fort trumpter are against tennessee senator and man seeing his daughter's neck tattoo for the first time, bob corker. corker and trump have been fighting, head to head like two rams, for a while now. you might recall that corker called the white house "an adult day care center." okay, clever. not entirely accurate. with trump, you also need a night shift. ( laughter ) all right. ( applause ) gets into things. he's like a i don't know if raccoons do that, but i'm

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: thank you very much! what's going on? hey, everybody! what's going on. hi, paul. hi, matt, what's going on. i like it. i like your jackson pollock. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: hey, thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show,"" ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) that's very nice. ladies and gentlemen, please, have a seat, everybody. you're too kind. thanks very much. well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. well today. ( cheers and applause ) today, it's 13 days after hurricane maria, yet another disaster struck puerto rico: donald trump visited the island. ( laughter ) but before the president left for sant juan, he gave this objective assessment of his administration's disaster relief efforts. >> in texas and in florida, we get an a-plus, and i'll tell you what, i think w

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! please, have a seat. welcome to the "late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) now, folks-- that's nice. we've been on the road for the past week. it's great to be back home. speaking of traveling, donald trump-- donald trump is on a trip to a very hostile region: new york city. ( cheers and applause ) he's-- he's-- ( applause ) they love a hometown boy. he's in town because this morning, he gave his first official address at-- i want to say, starfleet academy? ( laughter ) radical klingon extremists. they violated the neutral zone. we had no choice." of course, the president gave us a preview of his u.n. speech yesterday, telling reporters he plans to "make the united nations great... not again. make the united nations great." so not #maga. it's #mungnumung. ( cheers and applause ) i

jon batiste and stay human, everybody. give it up for the band right there. >> jon: hey!stephen: oh, happy friday, jon. >> jon: happy friday. >> stephen: jon, do you get to go to church as often you you would like? >> jon: yes, i do. >> stephen: you do. not what i expected. guto church as often as you like. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: nothing comes between you and the lord. >> jon: no, no, no. >> stephen: you're a better man than i >> stephen : i sl thewe do confessions hern the show. some fresh ones in there, some from the show, some from people out there, you sent in. and i have been informed by the church that you do this, and you don't have to go to church on sunday. >> jon: oh, wow, wow! look at that. >> stephen: you have to read the book. you have to bate book. they said specifically you can't even get it from a library. >> jon: you have to buy it. >> stephen: wow, you get to church as often as you like. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: i should be more like you, jon. >> jon: oh, man, you got it, you got it. >> stephen: thanks, jon. you know, sometimes i feel like i have come

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: thank you very much, thank you, thank you, thank you. hey, everybody. please have a seat, everybody. that's electric. >> jon: >> yes. >> stephen: i hope you can feel this at home, everybody. this room is electric. i wish these people-- i wish these people had been here last night. >> jon: that would have made all the difference. >> stephen: would have made all the difference. these people are super stars. you either have it or you don't. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. thank you very much, citizen. well, as you can tell by the energy in the room, it's friday. and you know what we say on friday: "light fuse and get awa quickly." one thing we learned this week is that there is no more republican party. it belongs to donald trump. the g.o.p. is now the gross orange pile. ( applause ) because he's got them, right? he's got the balls

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much! thanks, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. now-- ( cheers and applause ) now, ladies and gentlemen-- folks, have you ever woken up and said to yourself first thing in the morning, "what can i do-- even in my own small way-- to make rich people richer?" ( laughter ) well, if the answer is i have never done that, then you did not write donald trump's tax plan. ( laughter ) yesterday in indiana, the president revealed the plan and made a solemn promise-- >> i am doing the right thing. and it's not good for me. believe me. >> stephen: i believe you. ( laughter ) doing the right thing never seems to be good for donald trump. "oh, what do people like? racial equality and football? how do i ruin both of those at once?" ( piano riff ) now, it looks like-- ( c