from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, ladies and gentlemen. my name is jon stewart. we've got a good one for you tonight. our guest tonight is lou dobbs from fox business news network will be joining us. i want to say something very quickly. very unusual for us to do this. there's a gentleman in the audience tonight. he has a message for his parents that i think he was afraid to deliver to them in person. he wanted me to deliver it. to sean's parents-- and i'm not going to use his last name-- he wants you, mom and dad, to know something. he's... sean is a canadian. ( applause ) do not ridicule. he's become friendly with what appears to be four other canadians. together, i believe, they think they're going to form a province. i don't know. apparently the guy wrote a master's dissertation on the daily show. he just wanted his parents to know he's not a loser. but i've got to tell you, i don't know, i don't know. ( cheers and applause ) seriously he wrote his dissertat

2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers an captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my same in jon stewart. we have -- my name is jon stewart. we have a good show for you tonight. seestephen merchant will be on e show tonight. when his partner ricky gervais was here we had a refined conversation with raccoon and panda sex so don't know what we'll talk about tonight. but you may want to leave the room when we do. i'm going to say romney won arizona handelly but the big result was michigan where all four candidates were defeated by a late surprise entrance the schitcy when from i understand he made impressive promises. >> when you order the schitky you get the little one. >> jon: it's a populous message that resonates in the difficult yet schmootzy times. romney kept putting his foot in the mouth he hired sew own mouth doesn't get feet in it and santorum released a robo call telling democratic voters to vote for him since michigan's republican party

from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. thank you so much. great show for tonight. my guest tonight, alan huffman an has written a book about the dark side of american politics or as it is sometimes known, american politics. let's begin with the battle between religious leaders and the obama administration over contraception in our ongoing coverage of the nanny state. for those of you who haven't been following the story, let me bring you up to speed. years ago adam and eve lived in a garden. let's just scroll up. okay, okay. martin luther nailed 95 thesis. let's scroll up. okay. here we go. two weeks ago the obama administration found itself at the center of a controversy over its decisions to make religious affiliated institutions or their insurers cover contraception as part of their government-mandated health care. the move was seen by some religious leaders as bal's biggest misstep since the time he s

i said "spend it with jon stewart." she said "what's in it for he? " i said, you can watch it tonight. (laughter) "be part of it," i said. "feel involved." >> jon: obviously you mean the interview. >> there will be no hanky-panky. >> jon: i don't hank or pank. >> just cuddle buddies, just friend. >> jon: that's all it is. >> like pandas. the thing is right, now pandas are one of the most endangered species on the planet, right? we're all rushing around going let's save the panda but they're not meeting us halfway. they're not having sex so that's fundamental to surviving. when did they stop having sex? why are they so like middle class bohemian going "we're not going to have children." it's ridiculous. (cheers and applause) this is true, don't get me started on the chinese. (laughter) they're so worried about the panda the national emblem that they started giving their pandas in captivity viagra. that's absolutely true. and i looked into this, right? the normal copulation of a panda is two minutes. which is fine, i think. (laughter) about right, isn't

jon stewart tells the world what he really thinks about president obama and it is really interesting. thoughts on stewart's analysis. and then lou dobbs on why gas prices are going through the ceiling. those reports after these messages. [ male announcer ] for our town. [ dog barks ] for our country. ♪ for our future. ♪ this isn't just the car we wanted to build. it's the car america had to build. ♪ the extended range electric chevy volt. from the heart of detroit to the health of the country, chevy runs deep. >> bill: impact seth. segment. there is not one democratic pundit in america that has much influence. no radio superstars and no tv superstars so it is left to comedian jon stewart who is a superstar are to define how the left sees the political arena. the other night on letterman he analyzed president obama. >> he doesn't really like us all that much. the only president i have seen that begins every press conference with a heavy sigh. oh, you guys again. all right. let me see if i can explain this to the tiny brains. because it is like i mean bush was all everything was here. >

. >>> within we come back, we'll huddle around the water cooler to get jon stewart's take on romney feedingracter as candidates out of touch rich guy. "way too early" coming right back. one. -two. -three. -one. -two. -three. [ male announcer ] with the bankamericard cash rewards credit card, earn 1% cash back everywhere, every time. 2% back on groceries. and 3% back on gas. automatically. no hoops to jump through. -it's as easy as...1. -two. -three. [ male announcer ] 1, 2, 3 percent cash back for the things you buy most. the bankamericard cash rewards card. apply online or at a bank of america near you. all your important legal matters in just minutes. now it's quicker and easier for you to start your business... protect your family... and launch your dreams. at legalzoom.com, we put the law on your side. fantastic! [ man ] pro-gresso they fit! okay-y... okay??? i've been eating progresso and now my favorite old jeans...fit. okay is there a woman i can talk to? [ male announcer ] progresso. 40 soups 100 calories or less.

from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. tonight on the program-- and i can say this without any hesitation at all, my favorite astrophysicist on the planet will be here. author neil degrasse will be here. did i say space chronicles? i meant to say space chronicles. we begin tonight with history. 52 years ago an irish catholic senator from massachusetts sought to temper anti-catholic bigotry by reassuring the that his political allegiance was to america and not to the vatican. >> i believe in an america where the separation of church and state is absolute. where no catholic can tell the president, should he be catholic, how to act. i believe in an america that is officially neither catholic, protestant, nor jewish and where religious liberty is so indivisible that an act against one church is treated as an act against all. >> jon: now if you'll excuse me, there is a show girl.

here it is your moment of zen. >> jon stewart, you hold it right there. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: what a pleasant spridz surprise. i was just.... >> you know why i'm here, jon. >> jon: valentine's day isn't for two weeks. >> you have something that belongs to me. >> jon: the immersion blender is for my butternut squash. you're not getting that super pac back, colbert. >> i want my unlimited money, jon. >> jon: i treat that money well. you don't understand that money. you don't know what it's like. that money loves me now. >> i raised that money from a baby. i suckaled that money. at my teats. >> jon: if that money had stayed with you, it would be a crack whore running around the city, working the pole at a fluzy joint. i taught that money manners. >> i don't know who you are. i don't know what it is you want. if you're looking for ransom, i can tell you i don't have money. but what i do are a very particular set of skills, skills that i've acquired over a very long career. skills that make me a nightmare for people like y

2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is is "the daily show" with jon stewarteers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. happy groundhog's day eve. we have a nice show for you tonight. brad pitt will be joining us on the program ( cheers and applause ) not-- not-- not that one. ( laughter ). insurance salesman from poughkeepsie. that was a very warm response to him. let's begin tonight with last night's primary result out of florida, where mitt romney decisively thumped newt gingrich by 14 percentage points. now, i can easily break that vote down for you demographically, geographically, give you a sense from all the different interest groups of how bad a night newt gingrich had. but perhaps a more succinct and entertaining way to exemplify the magnitude of this defeat, imagine this skateboarder is newt gingrich and he has some momentum out of south carolina-- oh! oh, my god! oh! ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( laughter ) what-- the results for newt gingrich in florid

2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ). captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the ""daily show"." my name is jon stewart. oh, what a show tonight. my guest-- it's going to be a good one-- my guest, jonathan macey, a professor at yale law school, yale business school, and yale's preschool. very busy. law ( laughter ) first i want to take a moment to talk to you about pandering. i mean, sure, it may look easy, as easy as the giants winning the super bowl this sunday. ( cheers and applause ). pander, and that didn't work. i got booed in my own studio. it can be surprisingly tricky. for instance, right now, newt gingrich in florida is trying to win over hispanic voteres, a task made much more difficult by the fact before he ran for president, newt gingrich said things like this. >> we should replace bilingual education with immersion in english so they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto. ( booing ) ( laughter ) >> jon: you know, you're not at "w

26sth, 2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. got a nice show for you tonight. the star of the new film "we need to talk about kevin" and obviously next week in the interest of fairness, we'll bring on kevin. we need to talk about his new film, really? really? we've been talking a lot about these past few weeks about the president and congress. there's a third and equal branch of government, the judicial branch which by now must be feeling somewhat ignored. that changed tonight with our brand-new segment a love supreme. (cheers and applause) sorry. we didn't forget about you supreme court baby. why don't you change into something more comfortable. actually, you wear robes, i mean, yeah. i guess you could make the public more plush but you probably just wearing a snuggie. any way, the point is this. the supreme court has been hearing some new cases, let's check in. >> the u.s. supreme court is now considering a

my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight representative louise slaughter will be here via satellite. satellite. that's right, space. (laughter) ooh. happy oh my god yesterday was valentine's day (bleep). (laughter) that's the day when you remember that yesterday was valentine's day. and now you're alone. (laughter) let's begin tonight with the state of our capital market. i know you've been getting a lot of requests on the show to do more capital markets bits. they've been through a bit of a rough patch. reputations have suffered. not least of which due to a rash of insider trading. we know insider trading is bad. why else would john cryer's dead brother have gone to jail in that '80s movie. you know, the movie about... wall street. i can't remember the name of that movie. but whatever it was. it happens all the time and it was not tolerated. >> goldman sachs technology analyst is reported under investigation by federal authorities for leaking inside information to hedge funds. >> jon: good! (laughter) i'm g

2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight, mild-mannered economist bruce bartlett. you know him as the incredible hulk. bruce banner. i apologize. now dionne warwick is veryangary. folks, tonight in arizona as we speak, before remaining republican presidential candidates met in the pe penultimate debate of this election season, tonight, two of them were card off by banditos anosand one was swallowed by a snake. i don't know which one. ( applause ) actually we do. i believe that's clearly newt gingrich's head. actually, i don't know if that's what happened at the debate we taped before the ca debate. but i do know this-- note matter what issues they discussed, whether satan's influence on the decare of our culture, or how satan recently jacked the price of gas up, or how satan decided this would be the last season of "chuck." i assuma that was satan because who else would cancel "chuck."

this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show," my name is jon stewart. hey, we're back! we're back. this... right now, what we're doing right now, this is not a rerun-- unless, of course, you're watching this episode five weeks from now when we get another unreasonably undeserved vacation. (laughter) so tonight we have a very cool guest, a former special agent who spent the last ten years battling al qaeda as a counterterrorism operative. it's a terrific time for you to look back on the last decade of your life and really... (laughter) reassess. i think reassess. so we're not going to dwell on the weekend sad news, we can't process that. but you know what's interesting? neither could cnn. (laughter)çó here they are breaking the sad news one person at a time. >> news just broke, it's not so good news. whitney houston has died. >> oh, my god. >> whitney houston passed away. >> she did? what >> what? >> you're kidding me. >> nope, just ha

from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we've got one tonight, our guest tonight dr. david agus, author of a new book, the end of illness. me, being able to talk to a doctor for free. (laughter) i was going keep him here and he'll be like are we still on tv, yeah, sure we're still on tv. anyway, i am going to begin tonight with a little confession. 1978 i killed a man done dr -- no, i'm sorry. a little confession. the race for the republican nomination for president has been very interesting. some fine debate, dramatic story lines. but for me, there's been an emptiness, something missing for quite some time now from the race, a mogul-shaped hole in my heart. and then this morning. >> donald trump expected to make a major announcement about the presidential race, just hours from now in las vegas. (laughter) >> jon: thank god! i haven't been this happy to see an orange face again since the end of finding themo. i mean oh! what's the donald go