and now, from this moment on, here's jimmy kimmel!ers and applause ] captions paid for by abc, inc. >> welcome. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy. thank you for participating in abc's comedy for clunkers program. i'm glad you're here. by the way, i almost fell in the way in. thank god i didn't because that would have been a national tragedy. would have been funny though. for those of you who twitter, it was a very difficult day today. a vicious attack by hackers shut down our nation's most vital method of communication. for about two hours this morning, no one could find out what breakfast cereal ashton kutcher was eating. i don't twitter personally, but i was like omging about it, and when it came on i was lol about it. facebook got attacked too and here for a while in hollywood, people were forced to tweet in person. >> hey, toshi, toshi, i just went to see bea and had a chai latte. >> okay. >> omg, it's hot. >> i've got to go. >> see you later. >> you're hurting my arm. >> lmfao. >> what does that mean? >> ibhafi. >> huh? >> i don't h

and now, like it or not, here's jimmy kimmel!ers and applause ] captions paid for by abc, inc. >> hi, i'm jimmy. thank you. i'm the host of the show. i want to get that straight right off the bat. i am the host of the show. we've got quite a program planned for you, but before we move on with our guests and our music and all that stuff, we have some very big news today. apparently, michael jackson is alive. >> oh. >> it is big news, right? and apparently dicky is the only one that is happy about it. [ laughter ] there is a new tape that has surfaced on the internet of all things. and look at this. what you're seeing there is the l.a. county coroner's van. this is the van that according to the person who shot the videotape contained michael jackson's body.wa tch -- you can see here through the fence a man who either is or is not michael jackson himself gets out of a van and walks into the building. michael jackson is alive. isn't that something? [ applause ] >> good news. >> we have been -- we have been jackoed again. he's got a w

. >>> tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> i'm president jimmy kimmel. thank you for doing this. it's an honor to meet you. mr. president, first of all, i want to say congratulations on being african-american. >> thank you. >> and antonio castro carried on an online affair with what he thought was a beautiful woman. >> and ty pennington. >> you're going to england, which i don't like, to be honest. i feel like you belong to us and they should get their own guy. [ laughter ] we've got to stop the geese people. they're out of control. and from wembley arena, jonas brothers. >> "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with ty pennington, david sedaris and music from jonas brothers. (announcer) new nivea for men active 3 nivea's first 3-in-1 shower...shampoo...and shave. it's almost everything men need for grooming... most. new active 3 from nivea for men. what men want. new tide stain release. it's an advanced inin-wash booster that works with your detergent to help remove t t toughest stains thehe first time. new tidede stain release. available e in duo pack, liquid or wdwder. intr

"jimmy kimmel live" is up next. from all of us at abc news, good night, america. >>> hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, and this is the samsung jack. a brand new crossover device in the tradition of the blackjack and blackjack two. with a built-in 3.2 mega pixel camera that allows you to shoot, post and share high-quality photos instantly. for instance, and now i send. simple as that. why are you dressed like theodore roosevelt, guillermo? >> i've been reading his autobiography and find him fascinating. >> okay. well, have a seat. and that's not the only big news from samsung. the third annual samsung at&t summer krush concert series is in full swing. >> is that samsung's free concert tour that goes to nine major cities with nine of today's hottest bands? dog named maxwell. >> wow, is that true? >> maybe. >> for more information about the samsung at&t summer krush concert series, go to samsungsummerkrush.com.at >> "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with selena gomez, music from darius rucker and shaquille o'neal. but not n

and a reminder "jimmy kimmel live" is up next. but for now, from all of us at abc news, good night, america, and have a great weekend. >>> hi, i'm jimmy kimmel and i'm a little concerned at the moment. my uncle frank has gone missing and we have no idea where he is. the last time we saw him he was on his way to subway to get lunch. and then -- [ phone rings ] excuse me. hello? >> hi, jim. it's uncle frank. i'm fine. >> where are you? >> i'm relaxing on a tropical island. >> but uncle frank, how can you afford to go to a tropical island? >> i won $100,000 jackpot playing scrabble at subway. i got my winning -- my winning -- my woman -- >> your winning game -- hello, uncle frank? >> i got my winning game right off my cup when i ordered my delicious lunch of a subway melt, chips, apples and a drink. >> your yes, jim, you can. >> i heard that scrabble at subway is back right now. can't you also win vacation, hybrid cars, vip concert experiences, free food and much, much more? >> yes, jim, you can. >> and with such great odds of winnin

and now, once and for all, here's jimmy kimmel!s and applause ] captions paid for by abc, inc. >> welcome to the show. and before we go any further, i want to take a minute to personally thank president obama for getting me out of north korea. last night, former president bill clinton under cover of darkness, parachuted into north korea with a skull tattoo on his chest to rescue journalists laura ling and euna e. it was a 13-hour flight home, during which clinton gave both women mouth to mouth no less than 15 times he brought them back to burbank this morning where they were reunited with their families and thanked mr. clinton for coming to their rescue. >> euna and i want to express our deepest gratitude to president clinton and his wonderful and amazing and not to mention super cool team. [ applause ] please return your journalists to their original upright position. meanwhile, also this morning, former president bush rescued two purple stars from his lucky charms. laura ling who's the sister of lisa ling who was also captured an

"jimmy kimmel live" is up next. from all of us at abc news, good night, america. >>> tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> ashton kutcher. are you twittering right now? >> i'm moving it in my pocket and sending a tweet. >> the person who is most deserving of custody is katherine jackson. >> she didn't get -- >> today's agreement shows that she responded with heart and integrity and selflessness. >> people are selling team kate and team jon t-shirts. i'm on team who cares? >> the script. ♪ >> "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with ashton kutcher, and music from the script. during the autobahn for all event, you can get great deals. yeah, it's great. i just really want to be sure. whoa, it's us from... - the future. - cool. eleven days in the future. look, you love your new routan. you love the german-tuned suspension. you love not having to pay for scheduled maintenance. you-- i love what you've done with your hair. we'll take it. announcer: now during the autobahn for all event, get 0% apr on a 2009 routan. hur

and now i'll tell you what, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by abc, inc. >> oh, hi. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. that's very nice. you know thanks to that nice reception i here unfriend all of you. last night i'm sure you heard president obama had the harvard professor and the police officer who arrested him over to the white house to talk and more importantly get stinking drunk together. vice president biden was there too. this is interesting. apparently joe biden was upset that obama had put his foot in the mouth by saying that the cambridge police acted stupidly because that's normally these thing. but they had a beer or two or three or four. and then i guess things got wild. about 2:30 this morning obama declared war on iceland because he decided it wasn't icy enough. the white house is big, and it can be very a confusing place when you're buzzed. apparently, the president woke up this morning spooning rahm emanuel. [ laughter ] and i'm not -- i don't want to say that the president can't ho

"jimmy kimmel live" is up next. >>> tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> the california gold rush garage sale, everything must go! i have humvees and it's garage sale. everything must go. >> katherine heigl. your mom was -- the night she had you was supposed to go see neil diamond in concert. >> and she wanted to name me sweet caroline. and. >> weiners are hazardous to your health. [ laughter ] >> shaun and david cassidy. you're dressed almost identically. >> we do that -- >> like the olsen twins. >> la roux. ♪ >> lend me your ears for the next hour and i'll lend you all the weird things i have been thinking about. >> "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with katherine heigl, shaun and david cassidy and music from la roux. to see light bulbs turn on. i want my students to have something that they could apply the next day at work if they have to. for my students, they need to know that i'm there for them; - it's a passion of mine. - for them to say, 'you've helped me develop, uh, ideas, you've helped me grow and become a better person,' those are the reasons why i like to teach. my nam

"jimmy kimmel live" is up next. for now, from all of us at abc news, good night, america and have great weekend. >>> hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. on the show tonight, from "funny people", jonah hill. from "in plain sight", mary mccormack. professional skater of boards ryan sheckler. and a movie review from the great joe jackson. >> i saw that g-4 and i have this to say about it. i brought some taco sauce, because they didn't have no dressing. so i sat it down and and i slapped it on. >> "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes. the world is full of priceless things and amazing deals. find them, share them with mastercard's priceless picks app. download it now. dominates heartburn. 24/7... including the eight hours you spend with your eyes closed. prilosec otc. heartburn gone. power on. nivea's first 3-in-1 shower...shampoo...and shave. it's almost everything men need for grooming... almost. new active 3 from nivea for men. what men want. >> announcer: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- from "funny people"

and now, believe it or not, here's jimmy kimmel!s and applause ] captions paid for by abc, inc. >> that's very nice. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. if i seem extra friendly tonight, it's because i'm on friendship pills. and they're working. [ applause ] it is --t's good to be back at work. not really, but i say that. we had a two-week vacation. did you know you can't carry a rifle on the plane anymore? they make you check it. summer is almost over, unfortunately. i love the summer, but they love bathing suit season is right around the corner? well, the good news right now it couldn't be farther away. so eat up, america. this is -- there has never been a better time to fill up the pants than right now. president obama our president is taking his summer vacation on martha's vineyard this week. he played golf and tennis i think today. unfortunately he had to work this morning. he held a press conference to announce the renomination of federal reserve chairman ben bernanke. but it was a -- just because they were on v

. >>> hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, and this is the brand new madden nfl 10. this year madden has a new feature called pro-tak. a brand new, game-changing animation technology. now, the play isn't over until the whistle blows. which means you can make steerable tackles, have pileups with up to nine players and control a brand new blocking system. so each play lets you feel what it's like to fight for every yard. madden nfl 10 doesn't come out until august 14, but we're giving one away to a lucky pedestrian tonight. who was hopefully listening to everything i said, because he/she is about to be quizzed. cousin sal is outside. hello, cousin sal. >> how are you? >> how are you? good. who is this gentleman we have this us? >> this is stevie. you know stevie? >> no, i don't know stevie. where you from? >> stockton, california. >> what do you do for a living? >> right now i'm unemployed. >> you're what? >> i'm unemployed. >> there's no d in front of the word. okay. stevie, did you hear everything i said about madden nfl 10? >> yes, sir. >> if you answer correctly yo

"jimmy kimmel live" is up next. from all of us at abc news, good night, america. >>> tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> when jeff and i got married they taught us that [ bleep ] is three seconds. >> quentin tarantino. >> i heard that brad pitt is in the movie. i heard you got him drunk. >> i did not get him drunk. it's his wine. he lives on a vineyard. that's how you get the most sought after guy on the planet earth. ♪ i want porno, i want porno i want porno ♪ >> rachel nichols. >> you guys have a fight in the movie. >> we have a really brutal kind of kick-ass fight. >> really? what were you wearing when you guys did that? >> come out in the sequel. >> "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with quentin tarantino. from "g.i. joe", rachel nichols. and comedian doug benson. make me realize... that you need some of these "comfy weekend jeans? or you could get your booty in these dreamer jeans. supportive, like my man wesley. you'd look smoking in these supegirl, th're 19 ucks./ just get 'em all. i'm not talking abou

and now, guess what, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by abc, inc. >> hi. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy. welcome to the show. i'll tell you what you're very enthusiastic. word on the street was this was a tough crowd. well, since you're here tonight i think it's safe to assume you did not see the president's press conference earlier. or if you're at home maybe you did. but president obama held another press conference tonight. preempting all the major networks again. he does this every week now. it's time for oprah to give him a show and the white house actually -- this is true, rescheduled the president. they moved it up an hour from 9:00 to 8:00 because nbc complained it would interfere with "america's got talent". [ laughter ] so in other words the president of the united states moved his press conference to accommodate a show david hasselhoff is on. [ laughter ] i think clinton did that for "baywatch" once. this time around, the focus was on the national healthcare plan that is working through cong

"jimmy kimmel live" is up next. for terry moran and martin ir news, have a safe weekend. >>> hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. on the show tonight, from "raising the bar", melissa sagemiller. music from jack's mannequin and from the new movie "funny people", seth rogen. the last time he was here, so was megan fox. seth believes that when he tried to kiss megan fox hello, she blew him off. let's examine the tape here and take a look. there she is. well, we'll find out for sure. protesting is awesome. at?!?! what. i ought ou were a believer. someone who o wanted tblog about their eals. i lo blogging!g! ewew it over with twix en peoplsay, hey me, why ford, why now? i say brace yourself. thagas gul in yoyour drrivew jumight bebe, a clunker.. your ford and lincoln mercury dealers arre cash for clunkers speialists. hey'll recyclcle your ride, nd get you a big fatjuicy rebate rom uncle sam. . you can get all thdetails, charts, graphs, tc, at ford.com. why ford,hy now? why not? visit your ford or lincoln mercury dealer. i'm thinking no

"jimmy kimmel live" is up next. from all of us at abc news, good night, america. >>> tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> first baseman for the brewers -- [ bleep ]. >> teri hatcher. >> like "the bachelorette." you know when you walk out. >> so no one gets rejected here on the show. >> that's why i keep coming. [ laughter ] and how about those glasses? >> these are prescription glasses. >> let me ring these up. >> no, you can tell those are prescription. look at it. >> [ bleep ]. >> danica patrick. >> i think i'm going to come up with a bumper cab car. >> all cars should be bumper cars. >> good news for lindsay lohan, by the way. >> why? why? why? that's the question of the day. >> daughtry. ♪ >> i cannot wait to see it. >> "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with teri hatcher, danica patrick and music from daughtry. ♪ ♪ i got troubles, oh ♪ 'cause they're gonna wash away ♪ ♪ they're gonna wash away ♪ , ♪ , ♪ they're gonna wash away ♪ this old heart ♪ gonna take them away [ quacks ] do you want to go to my apar

"jimmy kimmel live" is up next. for terry moran and martin bashir and all of us at abc news, have a safe weekend. >>> hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. on the show tonight, from "raising the bar", melissa sagemiller. music from jack's mannequin and from the new movie "funny people", seth rogen. the last time he was here, so was megan fox. seth believes that when he tried to kiss megan fox hello, she blew him off. let's examine the tape here and take a look. there she is. well, we'll find out for sure. protesting is awesome. do you want to go to my apartment? what?! what... need a moment? i thought ou were a believer. someone who wanted to blog about their ideals. i love blogging! chew it over with twix when people say, hey mike, why ford, why now? i say brace yourself. that gas guzzler in your driveway, just might be, a clunker. but don't panic, it could be a good thing. your ford and lincoln mercury dealers are cash for clunkers specialists. they'll recycle your ride, and get you a big fat juicy rebate from uncle sam. you can

and now, you best believe, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by abc, inc. >> hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. very nice, thank you. you're here on a special night. two for tuesday tonight. tonight i'm going to do every joke twice. [ applause ] enjoy. tonight, i'm going to do every joke twice. [ cheers and applause ] maybe i should go for three. it's hot here. it's hot everywhere in the united states right now. and the power company here in southern california is asking citizens to conserve energy which is strange when the power company asks us to conserve power because they sell power. like mcdonald's asking us to slow down on the burgers or something. i guess they're worried about blackouts, which a blackout is -- it's racist way of saying power outage. they don't want those. they say if everyone would raise their thermostats just a few degrees like from 71 to 74 degrees we'll be fine. that would be a good idea. i'll do that in october when it isn't so hot. [ laughter ] but i personally -- i be

that ojimmy kimmel live!" back in two minutes with rachel nichols, anddian doug benson, and quentin tarantino. [cheers and applause] >> announcer: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight quentin tarantino. from "g.i. joe: the rise of cobra," rachel nichols! and comedian doug benson! >> ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live!" ♪ >> and now once more here's jimmy kimmel! >> welcome to the show. hey, let's change things up a little tonight. this time you tell the jokes and i'll laugh just to be polite. >> do it. >> i hate to start the show this way, but some disturbing news tonight surrounding the death of tv pitchman billy mays. you know this guy with the oxy clean? the coroner in florida announced cocaine playing a role in his death, possibly a starring role in his death. i have to say hindsight is 20/20 vision, but when you look back at the commercials he did right before he passed away, you can kind of tell that something was up. [speaking very fast] >> it seemed like he was going a little faster than normal, rig

and now, you know what, here's jimmy kimmel!cheers and applause ] captions paid for by abc, inc. >> hi, everyone. thank you, cleto. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy, thank you for watching tonight. let's get fat together, what do you say? [ cheers and applause ] anyone excited about the new harry potter movie? [ cheers and applause ] so we have some fourth grader -- graders here in the audience. [ laughter ] harry potter and the half gay prince, the second to last edition of the harry potter series opened last night at midnight. thousands of theaters across the country were sold out. they're saying it could be the biggest wednesday night opening for a sixth movie in a wizard themed franchise ever. this weekend harry potter goes head to head with bruno for the number one slot. so make sure your kids get into the right theater. otherwise you have to explain why harry's penis is talking. that wasn't in the book. [ laughter ] the new movie is getting good reviews but some die hards are upset that the plot hasn't stayed faithful to the

nonow w i have a's, b >> "jimmy kimmel live," back i 's a and c's. >> it is mandated that parents volunteermpus and brandon's mom has gone above and beyond and she has been rewarded. >> your service for above and beyond for the 35 years because of the volunteer worork. >> my volunteer -- >> oh, cool. isis it to important for yoyou get involved? >> if you don't get involved your kids s will think you don' care. it's good to let them know that you're there for them. and that's you -- >> this woman allows -- is catching up on her work while she takak care of her baby. for the sake of her family, she is d determined to get her diploma. atat the enof the year, locke has fewer dropouts t than in recent memory. a small victory. to do to raise reading leveels and test scores. >> good job. >> during the last week of school, jimmy was studying for his finals. your dad is in prisoson ight no? would you wt to go? >> yeah, i wanted to go, but i couldn't make it b because i've got finals. you know? >> have you ever take finals seriously? >> no. nono. never took the finals this serious. ♪ >> jimmy told us

now i have a's, b >> "jimmy kimmel live," back in 's and c's. >> it is mandated that parents volunteerrandon's mom has gone above and beyond and she has been rewarded. >> your service for above and beyond for the 35 years because of the volunteer work. >> my volunteer -- >> oh, cool. is it to important for you to get involved? >> if you don't get involved your kids will think you don't care. re there for thehem.m know that and tha's's you -- catching up on her rk whihiles she takakeses ca of r baby. for the sakeherfamily,he deteined to get r omoma. atat t the end of the yr, loc has fewewer drouts than a a small victoror t there's il lot owork to do to r ading leveels >>ood jojob. scos. sc, jimmy was ud for ek his finalsls yourad i is s prison right now? would you want to go? >> yeah, i wanted to go, but i couldn't make it because i've got finals. you know? very important. >> have you ever taken finals seriously? >> no. no. never took the finals this serious. ♪ >> jimmy told us that his graduation would be the happiest day of his life. >> jimmy stoval. >> the only thing missing -- his m

to the 1,100 number and it may surprise people to the up side after that. >> david darst, jordan kimmel. got about 45 minutes to go before the closing bell. we're just off the highs for the day being led by financials and cyclicals. >> up next we'll discuss whether today's rally is for real and which sectors could outperform from here on out. >> and after the bell does today's better than expected employment number mean the economy is coming back from the edge? some answers today 4:00 p.m. eastern time. >> but first the most active stocks on the new york stock exchange led by citigroup, bank of america, cit, and our parent, general electric. it's the chevy open house. and now, with the cash for clunkers program, a great deal gets even better. let us recycle your older vehicle, and you could qualify for an additional $3500 or $4500 cash back... on top of all other offers.. on a new, more fuel efficient chevy. your chevy dealer has more eligible models to choose from - more than ford, toyota, or honda. so save gas... and money... now during the chevy open house. go to chevy.com for detail

i come home, on the tv and jimmy kimmel is on.rsing. >> what. [ applause ] >> speaking of body art you know we have to show when we talk about body art a tattoo. we found a opportunity this morning. >> yes a picture of my [beep]. >> that's tomorrow. >> the squeeze in. >> that's the fourth or fist time jimmy kimmel has used a climb in our sensory thing. i have to explain it to my dad. i didn't say that bad word. my dad is a baptist beacon he will have none that. i found a way to make money off of jake. take him to japan and open my own pet calve. >> that's what they're doing. they have restrictive rules about pet pets. there now they have pet cafes where you can go into the cafe and pay a buck a minute and pet your favorite animal. >> that's bizarre. >> it is bizarre. >> cute. >> pretty cute. >> it's a good stress buster they say. you don't have to clean up as if it lived with you. yes, i'm going to make money off jake. i could open one here. i know would you come. [ applause ] >> i secretly made the comment. >> you not the dog lov

when you came to do "late night with jimmy fallon." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you thought i was "jimmy kimmele in the club all the time. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's right. i'm always in the club dancing. my dancing is so lame. i apologize. >> we'll work it out, brother. we'll work it out. yeah, but you wanted to make sure that you had one of the dopest of the baddest bands in the land. that's the baddest band in the land. and so, you know, i wanted to give an opportunity for the next roots. the next generation of roots to come in and play with me all over the world. so, it's just really giving like some of the young musicians, young cats that don't really get a chance at the auditions, giving them a chance to come and audition for me. and then, you know, we're going to rehearse day and night and just aspire to be the roots one day. >> jimmy: that's a goal right there. >> that's the goal. [ applause ] >> jimmy: it's a cool show. are they going to record on your album? >> they are -- i'm finishing an album now. they are going to help me with maybe two songs. that's one of the things that they

we want to ask our bull, jordan kimmel, author of "the magnet method of vesting conscious and our bear and my old friend, craig peckham, go way back, trading strategist with jeffries and company. craig, terrific to see you. >> likewise, trish. >> i'm going to kick it off with you here, because you are in agreement with mr. el-erian. why do you think the market is getting ahead of itself and is overvalued right now? i think we need to be careful on how we position that, only because what stock markets do is discount not what's happening now, but what's happening in the future. so while we're absolutely right in saying that the stock market's behavior lately doesn't match with what is happening in real-time, as we look out to next year, there is certainly a high level of expectations being built into it. right now, the consensus forecast for the s&p 500 is for a 25% earnings gain. that's a pretty spectacular increase. and we've got the stock market valued on those earnings right now at about 14 times. that's not a huge upside relative to long-term valuations for the market. so i think th

. >> yore o kimmel comgup. > it's going toir thursday nigh >> how would we describ y on kimmel?i to our good frideredh vira, who won f her sow "who wan to be a milliaire?" goodor r. >i kw,oodor her. >> t emmys came and wen >> i did th once. it w a heevet,dur pritime. i gues la tightitas prmetim bu nown thcw. >> itumbled upon it cideal, b cgrats to all the inners, from all he othershs. >> who didn't win >> can isay - i just have t th off m chest, cause m so grosse out by it. th guy onhe front pef a lo of theapers day. kidnaed a little 11ears olrl, h chilen with r, b what'so upttin aut the whole thins he w convied befo. >> s, o dnapping and rape. >> he serd ten years of a 50year sentence. he was convted o kidpping and ld ago young childin a shed eyethim outafer te years and now look. i mean, it makes sio my stomh. >>hat do you say if you're the paole officer or e whe bod- nhe fficer, but the board and yo wake up inhe morninand rali the guy you thought warehabitad has -- and aegedly may be involved in with abo t homicides of hooke in the rea. >>'m sory, b i know --th story has be f