and now, here's jimmy kimmel! >> he was run over by american. >>> from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, nate parker is here. we have music from the afghan whigs. here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. i'm jimmy. i'm your host. thank you for bringing meaning into my life. i appreciate it. it's very nice. we have -- today has been a strange day. i think i'm in a feud right now. not like a family feud but a real feud. no prizes. i made a video with jennifer aniston, the actress. she asked me to play the part of her son. they released the video. a lot of people have been talking about it. this morning on the "today" show, apparently they do a segment where they ask martha stewart about her opinion on things. why they ask martha stewart other than making a boutinere out of toilet paper. >> ryan seacrest introduces this video. shows she's pregnant with trip lets. she has two kids one of which is jimmy kimmel. >> do you like it in. >> i don't really like it. i think it makes some of some things and shows b

>> they have children that look like jimmy kimmel. >>. >> i don't think mrs. kimmel --.o, no, they're making believe he's an oversized child is a problem. >> jimmy kimmel is online. >> martha you're taking this thing too -- >> jimmy kimmel is great. i just look like him as a 12-year-old. >> how about that? the convicted felon doesn't like me as a 12-year-old. now i'm being critiqued by criminals. thank goodness al roker was there to defend me and my mother. thank you, martha. i'm sure you were the funniest girl back in prison. just for that i'm not using organic pumpkins to make my jack-o-lanterns this year. this is an interesting story a professor found a piece of papyrus with writing on it. she believes that jesus was married. s it ate world's oldest status update this is the papyrus, the last sentence said that jees es had a wife. i believe it said jesus had wi-fi. some stories are calling this the gospel of jesus' wife. they're also calling it the original j-date. wouldn't that be something if jesus was married? he could turn water into wine but can't take out the ga

>> jimmy: it's me, jimmy kimmel. >> oh, jimmy kimmel! jimmy kimmel.ong time, no vision. >> jimmy: well, it's good to vision you, too. hey -- [ laughter ] i was wondering if you have any jokes about lindsay lohan getting into a car accident. >> lindsay lohan joke? >> no, i think we ran out like two accidents ago. did it happen again? >> jimmy: yeah, it did. they arrested her for a hit and run last night. >> oh, no. >> jimmy: yeah. yeah. >> well, she is quite the hot mess, huh? >> jimmy: i guess so. she is. >> i will check to see if we have any leftover from last time. >> jimmy: oh, great. >> let me get our number one hilarious teller of jokes, roger. >> jimmy: okay, great. >> roger! >> jimmy: hey, there, how are you dog? >> okay, jimmy. >> i'm doing good. >> big time laughing outloud. >> jimmy: i'm ready. i'm prepared. sorry to put you on the spot. >> are you ready, jimmy? >> jimmy: i am ready, yes. >> one second, hold on, hold on. okay. why did the chicken cross the rode? >> jimmy: i don't know. why did the chicken cross the road? >> he didn't cross t

i'm jimmy kimmel and i'm the host.r coming, for robbing bodies of the sleep i desperately need. i appreciate it. well, i'm glad you're in a good mood. it's a very special night for us here at abc. "bachelor pad" had its finale tonight. have you seen this show "bachelor pad"? [ cheers ] >> jimmy: well, shame on you. it's basically a collection of the row jeks from "the bachelor" and "bachelorette" hanging out in swimsuits and humping each other. they all live in a house together. it came out about the same time they canceled "extreme makeover: home edition." it's like, sorry poor people, we can't do this. we have a bachelor pad to build. everyone who has been eliminated from the house, people get eliminated from the house up until the final week. everyone who has been eliminated votes on which of the two remaining couples is their favorite then the winning couple has a chance to win $250,000 but there is a twist, the guy and the gal who don't necessarily know each other that well have to decide individually if they want

jimmy kimmel is next. we'll see you right back here tomorrow. good night, america. >> dickey: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" julianna margulies. >> one martini, twoality the most -- jesse tyler ferguson, from "modern family", >> the winner of your category. >> darren: --. he was generous. anncr: more anti-maryland ads. from this west virginia casino. they want marylanders to keep coming to west virginia... casinos like theirs. spendingne hundredeventy million a year. question seven will keep those dollars at home by building a new world-class resort casino... right here in maryland. it'll generate hundreds of millions for schools... according to the department of legislative services. and with independent audits required by law... question seven means millions for maryland schools. guaranteed. >> dickey: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- julianna margulies jesse tyler ferguson and music from the killers with cleto and the cletones and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. i appreciate

jimmy kimmel is next. happy labor day, everybody. >> dicky: tonight on jimmy kimmel leave -- >> today is national relaxation day, a day i've been preparing for for my entire life. >> dicky: thomas haden church. >> there's a fawn and one of my cats. >> jimmy: what is this? >> that's my friend, todd. >> i've been working on an art project. >> tell me what you think of that. >> tell me what you think of that. >> jimmy: oh, oh, >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- thomas haden church. chef rick bayless. and music from jjamz. with cleto and the cletones. and now, once more, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, everyone. well, that's very nice. welcome. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thank you for accepting me as one of your own kind. you know what today is? there are a lot of made-up holidays that somehow become official, like national high-five day, there's national talk like a pirate d

he was generous. >> dickey: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- julianna margulies jesse tyler ferguson and music from the killers with cleto and the cletones and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. i appreciate that. thank you. thank you for watching. we have a lot going on tonight. we had a lot going on last night much the reason my voice sounds like big ang from "mob wives" i hosted the emmy awards last night. and i was out very late. you know that the host also has to clean the theater after the show? they told me it's a tradition. i love this mug thing. i haveview's sweet 16 mug and then we had a party afterwards and i've been exhausted all day. i knew i was in trouble this morning when i found myself googling the recipe for honey boo-boo's go go juice. glad i have it here. we have two of the stars tonight, and my favorite band the killers. i ask you to be quiet. my head hurts. i like this mug thing. the thing i asked for "modern family" and "homeland." damian lewis won best actor for his role in ma

kimmel, right here, next. >>> up next on an all new "jimmy kimmel live." >> rid romney was here meeting with the his panic chamber of commerce. >> i drank red bull out of a coffee cuff. >> josh hamilton. >> where would you like me to go? >> i would like you to not go to the yankees. that's all i would >> jimmy: hi, i'm simply kimmel. fitness is important to me. i'm anowed for the men lifting weaks. you know the name, lunks like this guy. >> 98, 99. >> 100. oh, yeah. >> this guy is a lunk. planet fitness is lunk-free. >> why are you so scrawny. >> hey, baby, i'm ready to land it in the moon. >> time to go, lunk! >> oh, no! ♪ >> thanks, planet fitness. >> plat et fitness is a place you can relax and work out free. jimmy kimmel coming up live in a minute. [ male announcer ] when a beer tastes both refreshing and flavorful there are some reactions you can't control, and some you can. please drink responsibly. with features like scanning a barcode to get detailed stock quotes to voice recognition. e-trade leads the way in wherever, whenever investing. download the ultimate in mobile investin

>> jimmy kimmel told me to. >> who is jimmy kimmel? >> will you try it on?e if it's comfortable. >> i look like a girl. i look like a girl. look at me. don't i look like a girl? i'm such a girl in this. >> this is all just to get a little jimmy kimmel -- >> what? >> i hate jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks to all the moms and dads who participated. sorry, kids. tonight, we have a good show. cat deeley is here. music from imagine dragons. and then jamie foxx. so stick around. [ dollar ] that's me -- l50858544p. but i'm not just a number. i have a purpose -- a higher purpose. [ muffled ] have some respect! not good. oh, man. hello? mm, no! finally -- the buck stops here. [ male announcer ] mcdonald's meaty, melty mcdouble with 100% beef and cheese. and the juicy mcchicken. just some of the irresistible choices on the dollar menu. only at mcdonald's. [ male announcer ] start with a simple idea. think. drink coffee. hatch a design. kill the design. design something totally original. do it again. that's good. kick out the committees. call in the eng

this is anjul speaking. >> jimmy: no, no, it's jimmy kimmel calling. >> oh, jimmy kimmel!immy kimmel! hi. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. very sorry to interrupt your lunch there. >> oh, it is okay. we have not eaten for three days. ever since we heard about the musical chair show, we have been losing our sit. >> jimmy: oh. >> you get it, mr. jimmy? losing our sit. >> jimmy: yes, i did get it. that's a good one. really good one. >> well, there's plenty more where that came from. >> jimmy: excellent. i'd love to hear what you have for us. >> oh, well -- well, let me get our number one punjabi fun machine. >> who is this? oh, okay. >> jimmy. >> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: hi. how are you doing? >> get ready to be hilarious. >> jimmy: okay. >> oh, sit is coming. get ready to take a giant sit. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. >> sit is like a -- like a poop. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, i got that. >> like a giant poop. >> jimmy: yes, i got it. it was good. what else do you have? >> no, no, we have a million of them. >> jimmy: oh, great. >> you want a lightning round? >> jimmy: yeah, i'd love a lightning

here's jimmy kimmel. got everybody the video -- that happens from time to time. there's some confusion in this cape room. just so you know, this was a lot more fun than letterman has. >> i love dave, but -- >> i'm having a lost fun. >> bad start is no one is watching this. >> casey affleck bought the rights to your life story. he's going to produce the movie. >> that's crazy. >> does he pay you for the rights of the story? >> i let my wife -- >> sheled lle canceled it. >> who would she like to play you? >> i can't reveal that. >> i think denzel washington would be a great choice. >> inie the same thing. our smails are are active. >> will your wife be in on the auditioning practice? >> she goes way back to dawson's year in the day. >> if you get to cast her part. you get to cast your part. >> seems somethingta dramatic has to happen in the end. right now you're still playing baseball. >> yeah, the thing is, bibl is whale i'm doing it. if something comes out it would be the right time to come out. >> i flow

jimmy kimmel is coming up next, see you tomorrow. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" richard gear -- >> jimmy: what language do you speak? >> japanese. >> jimmy: everyone knows that, richard. >> name that nominee. >> he's big famous. >> black by -- >> he's josh radnor. >> jimmy: i like you too, >> dicky: honda loves you back presents: guillermo's fairytale corner. >> guillermo: welcome to guillermo's fairy tale corner, where dreams come true. once upon a time there was a band called monsters calling home. monsters calling home was a little band with a big problem. they wanted to make a music video but they had no place to shoot it. all of a sudden one of them said, "lets shoot it in our honda cars. we love our honda cars." so they did. and the video was very good. that's when things got crazy. people from honda saw the video, and they loved it. they said, "we have to get this band on tv. let's love them back." so they hired monsters calling home to perform in an empty theater. and then they said, "just joking! you are going to be on jimmy kimmel live!" the band was so

jimmy kimmel is next. >> tonight on jimmy kimmel live -- unnecessary censorship. >> i'm getting all [ bleep ] up. >> kyra sedgwick. >> i saw your husband in london during the olympic time. >> really? >> oh, i hope he's not in trouble. >> vhs collectors, joe and nick. and music from josh doyle. >> would you call yourself a hero? >> yes, i would. i call myself anncr: this casino's in west virginia. but it makes millions off marylanders every year. now they're running dishonest ads. why? because voting for question seven is a vote to build a... world-class resort casino in maryland. creating thousands of jobs and... ...according to the official department of legislative... services, hundreds of millions for our schools. while saving taxpayer money by cutting casino subsidies. question seven. good jobs and better schools in maryland. not west virginia. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- kyra sedgwick. vhs collectors joe and nick. and music from josh doyle. with cleto and the cletones. >> and now, more than ever, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >>

jimmy kimmel is next. >> tonight on jimmy kimmel live -- unnecessary censorship. >> i'm getting all [ bleep ] up. >> kyra sedgwick. >> i saw your husband in london during the olympic time. >> really? >> oh, i hope he's not in trouble. >> vhs collectors, joe and nick. and music from josh doyle. >> would you call yourself a hero? >> yes, i would. [ romney ] this president can ask us to be patient. thipresident can tell us it was someone else's fault. b this president cannot tell us that you're better off today than when he took office. [ female announcer ] here in virginia, we' not better r off uer preside obama. his defense cuts threaten over one hundred thirty thousand jobs, lowering home values, puttingamilies at risk. the romney plan? tax cuts for middle class families. north american energy independence. create over three hundred forty thousand new jobs ffor virginia. [ romney ] i'm mitt romney and i approved this message. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- kyra sedgwick. vhs collectors joe and nick. and music from josh doyle. with cleto and the cletones

when we come back, music from everclear. ♪ >> jimmy: the jimmy kimmel lives >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel album, it's called "invisible stars." here with the song "santa ana wind," everclear. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i feel safe inside the violence like i feel safe inside a roller coaster car ♪ ♪ i feel safe in the hills up above it all sometimes in the middle of the night i can almost see the stars ♪ ♪ living in l.a. makes me think of you i think about the good times doing all the bad things that we used to do i walk the streets at night to remember why ♪ ♪ i feel so bad i walk the streets at night it helps sometimes to remember why ♪ ♪ living in l.a feels like home in a brand new way i am like everyone i meet ♪ ♪ i have a ghost in my eyes that will never go away i walk the streets at night to understand why ♪ ♪ i feel so bad i walk the streets at night to understand why i am the way i am ♪ ♪ we come from a sun we're lost out in the cold we run from the light it's the only way we know i wanna find a better sun i wanna find a better world ♪ ♪ i wanna find a better heart so i can find me

jimmy kimmel is up next. we'll see you here tomorrow. >>> up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- terry bradshaw. >> you lost a little weight. you were a chubby boy. >> dave matthews. >> i sweat a lot. >> oh, really? >> that's the only reason i can't bring sexy back. >> "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> the reason i'm in this race is to [ bleep ] people. >> and music from dave matthews band. >> it ain't no fun in >> jimmy: well, hello there. for those that you don't know, we are taking our show, "jimmy kimmel live," to brooklyn the last week of october and our friends at subway are giving some lucky people tickets to come see us. subway is celebrating their birthday this month, hence the balloons, with $5 footlong favorites. they even have one called the italian bmt after the brooklyn manhattan transit. tonight one of their unsuspecting customers is going to go in to buy a sub and come out with a trip for two to brooklyn. my cousin sal is live in a subway in las vegas right now to help. hi cousin

people are talking about first-time host jimmy kimmel. one reviewer said that kimmel seemed to be having fun. >> yeah, he actually kicked off the moment with a funny moment, nominated actresses. and said he had a bad reaction of botox and couldn't take the stage, but, of course, he did. >> if those of you are trying to remember what goes on off the stage, try to remember all the stars in one room looking at their phones and ignoring each other. >> kimmel saw his parents who we just saw lied when they told him he could do anything. he kicked his parents out of the theater. i was wondering if he ever let them back in. >> apparently not. >> apparently. no pun intended there. >> and a touching moment as michael j. fox presented the last award of the nice. >> that's right, fox got a standing ovation when he gave out the award for outstanding comedy award for mch "modern family" for the third year in a road. >> we all thought that laughter is the best medicine. $38 a share, one of those is true. >> maybe fox will be back with a comedy winner. h

. >>> and from late-night tv, jiminy kimmel's latest prank for parents. get your kids to wear something really embarrassing on the first day of school. >>> good wednesday morning, everyone. we begin this wednesday with michelle obama, delivering an impassioned speech on the first night of the democratic national convention. >> the first lady got a rousing reception in charlotte, where she told cheering delegates that the man she knows as a husband and a father, is the man to lead this country for four more years. abc's brandi hitt joins us live from charlotte with the latest. good morning, brandi. >> reporter: michelle obama was the star at the opening night of the democratic national convention. and she revealed personal details about the president as only she could. >> being president doesn't change who you are. no, it reveals who you are. >> reporter: in an emotional speech, first lady michelle obama reminded voters her husband still stands behind working families with every tough decision he makes as president. >> for barack, success isn't about how m

granado live in miami. >> so, bruno, how did kimmel do?rse, this is his first time hosting the emmys. do you give him a passing grade? >> i give him a passing grade. he was compared with the other jimmy, fallon, who hosted a couple of years ago. the difference is jimmy fallon is a great singer and dancer and all-around entertainer. if you watch the jimmy kimmel show every night, he did the shtick with his family. the tracy jordan twitter thing kind of fell flat. but overall, it was good, bus the real winner is jimmy fallon -- kimmel, excuse me, because his show moves to 11:30 on abc starting in january, so this is the first major stunt where the network is using to promote him to a much wider audience. i'm assuming 18 to 20 million people will be watching the show or have watched the show tonight so tomorrow in the morning, everyone will be talking about jimmy kimmel, and it's a real nice way to help launch his 11:30 show come january. >> bruno, what do you think were some of his best moments? of course, he had tracy morgan lie down on sta

jimmy kimmel is up next. see you here tomorrow. >>> up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> the nfl lockout is over. the refs will be back to work. [ applause ] and i am happy to say, there will never be a bad call again. >> selena gomez. >> aunt chippy, who are you least looking forward to seeing tonight? >> you. >> lenny venito. music from tony bennett and "unnecessary censorship." music from tony bennett and "[ female announuncer ] dear daughter, welcome to america. ur share of obama's debt is over 50 thousand dollars, and it grows every day. obama's policies aakre making it harder on wom. the poverty rate for women the highest in 17 years. more women are unemployed under president obama. re than five and a half million women can't find work. that's what obama's policies have done for women. welcome, daughter. [ romney ] i'm mitt romney and i approve this message. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. the presidential election is coming up and guillermo and i are voting early at 7-eleven with free coffee

>> they love it, yes. >> now what if that had been jimmy kimmel singing? >> jimmy kimmel is great.jimmy kimmel. just don't like him at a 12-year-old. >> next, this is hectic. martha, when you get on a flight, i cannot imagine you're ever too overjoyed to see the meals. >> i have made a point of not relying on the meals served on the plane. >> do you bring your own? >> i do. i do. a snack of some sort, and water. you can't take water. have you to make sure you hoard the water. >> people are now posting photos of airline meals. >> oh, look at this. >> the worst ever airline meals. >> what is that? >> not from the pages of "martha stewart living." >> this is no fricasse. >> 26,000 photographs of meals. some of them are good, but some a little bit less so. >> i wonder what the calorie and fat content in. >> tuna fish sandwich or ham and cheese sandwich, wouldn't that be better than a lot of cooked meals? >> you need martha stewart to take over catering. >> usually when you fly, you don't get a meal anymore. >> that's right. you have to pay extra for it. >> absolutely. >> and it should

with cleto and the cletones. >> and now, more than ever, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hola. thanks very much. hi, there, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming tonight. this is very nice. this is very kind of you. welcome. do any of you have furniture of ikea in your homes? no? ikea is a great place to buy reasonably priced furniture and tiny meatballs. when my kids were little, we would go and drop them all in the ball pit. that reminds me, i should probably go pick them up sometime. they are moving beyond furniture. that are building a district in the city of hamburg, germany, the most infrastructure really unsound district of hamburg, germany. they are building shopping centers, condos. remember how crappy your college apartment look? imagine a whole town of that. they said this that it's going to be time consuming. it will require hundreds of thousands of these. i wonder how they will get the ikea city to fit on the roof of the car. they must not have hurricanes there. tropical storm isa

>> they love it, yes. >> now what if that had been jimmy kimmel singing? >> jimmy kimmel isgreat.jimmy kimmel. just don't like him at a 12-year-old. >> next, this is hectic. martha, when you get on a flight, i cannot imagine you're ever too overjoye to see the meals. >> i have made a point of not relying on the meals served on the plane. >> do you bring your own? >> i do. i do. a snack of some sort, and water. you can't take water. have you to make sure you hoard the water. >> people are now posting photos of airline meals. >> oh, look at this. >> the worst ever airline meals. >> what is that? >> not from the pages of "martha stewart living." >> this is no fricasse. >> 26,000 photographs of meals. some of them are good, but some a little bit less so. >> i wonder whathe calorie and fat content in. >> tuna fish sandwich or ham and cheese sandwich, wouldn't that be better than a lot of cooked meals? >> you need martha stewart to take over catering. >> usually when you fly, you don't get a meal anymore. >> that's right. you have to pay extra for it. >> absolutely. >> and it should be

if you watch the jimle kimmel show every night. stick with his family, tracy jordan twitter thing fell flat but overall it was good but the real winner is jimmy fallon -- kimmel because his show moves to 11:30 in jan so first major stunt the network is using to promote him to a much wider audience. aim assuming 18 to 20 million people will be watching the show or have watched the show tonight so tomorrow in the morning, everyone will be talking about jimle kimmel and it's a real nice way to help launch his 11:30 show come january. >> bruno, what do you think were some of his best moments, of course, he had tracy morgan lie down on stage to get people to tweet and tune in. >> well, you know, that was one of them. he was trying to start a twitter trend and hashtag. i think one of his better moments was the opening monologue with the whole botox thing in hollywood. you're nobody if you're not botox up and down. so that was a real nice takeoff on the whole botox epidemic that's ravaging hollywood right now and i think overall he was ju

and now, fortunately, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, hi, everybody. thank you. thank you, cleto. i am jimmy, i'm the host of the show, thanks for watching. thank you for joining us. wonderful to have you here. after the show last night, i went to a concert. i went to see the killers at a theater down the street here -- [ applause ] in hollywood. and it was a great show. excellent. but -- there was a guy in front of me with a camera, a small digital camera, and he would hold the camera up above his head and i'm behind, so, the only way we could see the concert was through his little display screen on the camera. and he would take one picture and he would wait until he could take another and he would take another picture and then he would take a third picture and then he would bring the camera down and he would look at it, i don't know if he was deleting, looking at them. but once he was finished here, he would then bring the camera right back above his head and take three

jimmy kimmel is up next. see you tomorrow. >>> up next on an all new "jimmy kimmel live." >> there you are in bed with the lions. >> and kerry washington. >> if there's anything going on between anybody, it's you and i. >> really? >> "dancing with the stars," pamela anderson and music from alanis anncr: more anti-maryland ads. from this west virginia casino. they want marylanders to keep coming to west virginia... casinos like theirs. spending one hundred seventy million a year. question seven will keep those dollars at home. with a limited expansion of gaming that will mean... hundreds of millions for schools in the baltimore area... and across the state... according to the department of legislative services. and with independent audits required by law... question seven means millions for maryland schools. guaranteed. >> jimmy: hey guillermo, what are you doing? >> guillermo: i'm nominating myself for the toyota hall of fame: legends of fantasy football, where regular people like me can be fantasyootball her

and now, here's jimmy kimmel!se ] >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for your enthusiasm. i'm purelled and ready to go. just out of cure asiiosity, how of you have iphones? wow. well they're garbage now. apple made a top secret announcement event today. everyone was hoping for a big surprise. that is exactly what they got. >> thank you for coming. i know you're all expecting a big announcement about the iphone. i do have a big announcement. there will be no iphone 5 and no more new iphones ever. the one we have now is plenty good enough. thank you. >> jimmy: all right. that's good. he's right. actually apple did autopsy veil the iphone 5 today. oh, my god, i thought of a great invention, the iphone 6. somebody write -- guillermo will you write that down? apparently this time it blends functionality with design. the screen is slightly bigger and has aa-6 processor chip which is either good or bad. i don't know what that is. the component is thinner, supports 4g data and best of all you can hav

>> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live," dr. phil mcgraw. >> the dregs of humanity, the worst people on the planet earth. yes, yes? >> four of your audience members were on the show today. >> dicky: dakota johnson. >> your dad is magic johnson? >> yes. >> dicky: and music from rita ora. >> jimmy: why does mitt romney ask you for so anyway, i've been to a lot of places. you know, i've helped a lot of people save a lot of money. but today...( sfx: loud noise of metal object hitting the ground) things have been a little strange. (sfx: sound of piano smashing) roadrunner: meep meep. meep meep? (sfx: loud thud sound) what a strange place. geico®. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. >> guillermo: jimmy, i've been meaning to ask, could i get some time off? >> jimmy: why do you need time off? >> guillermo: because i think i'm gonna win ford fusion's "nascar big act" contest on randomactsoffusion.com. >> jimmy: i didn't understand any of that. what would you win? >> guillermo: tickets to a race, vip a

jimmy kimmel is up next. see you tomorrow. >>> up next on an all new "jimmy kimmel live." >> there you are in bed with the lions. >> and kerry washington. >> if there's anything going on between anybody, it's you and i. >> really? >> "dancing with the stars," pamela anderson and music from alanis >> jimmy: hey guillermo, what are you doing? >> guillermo: i'm nominating myself for the toyota hall of fame: legends of fantasy football, where regular people like me can be fantasy football heroes. >> jimmy: i play fantasy football too! >> guillermo: me too! and i just know i'm gonna be inducted into the toyota hall of fame, hall of fame, hall of fame, hall of fame. it's such an honor to be inducted. i'd like to thank my mommy, my doggies pepe and paco, my toyota prius, and especially jimmy kimmel, because i kick his ass in fantasy football. he is a weak little punk and i eat him for lunch every week! and i would also like to thank my mother. thank you everybody! >> jimmy: that was a very powerful dream sequence, i

here's jimmy kimmel!jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, everyone. thank you very much for coming. well that's -- that's very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thank you for making a long and harrowing journey to be here with us this evening. i'm glad you're in a good mood. you're here on a good night. first of all, the human hurricane known as terry bradshaw is with us here tonight. [ applause ] for those who don't know, terry and i used to work together at fox sports. he didn't like me very much. i love animals. i really do. and also tonight, the reason the goodyear blimp is overhead, dave matthews band is here. [ applause ] that blimp -- it follows dave wherever he goes. hey, this is kind of exciting. for the first time in 28 years, scientists have discovered a new species of monkey. and look at how excited he is. [ laughter ] that's it. quite a face, huh? the monkey was found in the congo where locals call it a lisula. i like the people in the con