i'll be outside the jail with a big sign saying "free lamont sanford, free lamont sanford, free..." would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. switch to time warner cable. for $89.99 a month you'll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. we can call aunt rose as much as we want now. switching is easy. get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window, a money-back guarantee with no contract to sign. plus get free installation, tv equiment and epix included. really? honest...no. look at the judge. it's a brother. son, we've got it made. judge: call the first case. juan diego lopez. he's a mexican. ut

this is lamont, lamont sanford. oh, hi, lamont. how are you? fine. how are you doing? uh, are you busy tonight no. what's up? because i need a little favor, and i was wondering if you could help me out. see, um... do you remember that improvisational acting class that we took together where you played the drunk? sure. yeah, well, i was wondering if you could give a little repeat performance tonight over at my house for a little party that my father's throwing. see, it's kind of like a surprise party, and i was wondering if you could wear the dress that you wore that night. uh-huh. and--and get here at about 8:15, and everything'll be perfect, ok? and when my father answers the door, him that your name is nora simpson and you're my computer date. you got that? nora simpson. nora simpson. ok. what time, again? about 8:15. uh-huh. ok, and everything'll be perfect. all right. ok. bye-bye. uh-huh. hey, lamont! lamont: i'll be right down, pop! that's good. she ain't got here yet. ok. "chateau newfie de papa." "ohio's best." [knock on door] all right. hi! i'm nora simpson! he

it's lamont. sanford. sanford. lamont sanford! lamont: yeah? did somebody-- pop? what are you doing here, pop? pop? yes. gerhard popwell. everybody calls me "pop" for short. listen, i got some money to spend if you'll sell me some things. well, lamont, take care of the gentleman. show him all of our haberdash. our what? haberdash. this is a haberdashery, isn't it? show him our haberdash. yeah, right. hey, pop, what are you doing here? d i am of you. for crying out loud. ah, yes. i'll take several of these, and i'd like a shirt. you got black on black? oh, you could order some, lamont. no. i wanted to wear it tonight. and please, don't butt in. the sweaters are right over here. thank you. say, couldn't you wait until i got home? yeah, but listen, son. i figured i'd make you look good if i come down here and bought $200 worth of stuff. where did you get $200 from? the bank. listen, do you have anything arments? uh, no, but can i interest you in a silk boxer? no. i got a doberman. hey, pop, what you take-- what you take the money out of the bank for? that's all the m

lamont sanford. senor lamont sanford. uh, that's right. thank you. hello, lamont? that you, sir? listen--listen, son. you having a lot of fun? you are, huh? well, come on home. yeah, i think it's the big one. yeah, son. yeah, i can--i can feel it. my--my heart ain't beating like it should. instead of going "bump, bump, bump," it's going "bumpity, thumpity, wumpity." no, i swear, son. listen. you have to believe me. listen to it. heart and listen. did you hear it, son? yeah. son, hurry up here. [knocking on door] rush. bye. esther: open this door, fred sanford. hold your horses. [knocking on door] i said hold your horses. what is-- hello, uncle fred. elizabeth. i'm named after aunt elizabeth. you know, she died the year before i was born. y-you're the spitting image of elizabeth. that's what my daddy says. [kiss] thanks so much for letting me stay here with you. you--you even smell like elizabeth. go get her bags and stop smelling her. ooh, what is that i smell smelling so good? oh, that's bean sauce for the spaghetti. uncle fred, we're having spaghetti for breakfast? no, honey. f

i'm lamont sanford, fred's son. oh, yes. say, listen. did i hear you tell my father that he only had 6 months? well, as a matter of fact, i was stretching it a bit at that. just take it, and be thankful he's got that much time. you know, grady... being that you're his best friend, you know, i--i thought you should be the first to know. i--i can't believe it, lamont. but you know what they say... sooner or later, your number's bound to come up. it was... it was just so sudden, grady. [sobbing] yeah. just like my cousin waldo. he was walking down the street one day, in the prime of his life, and in a second, wham, bam, boom. heart attack? no, someone dropped a set of drums on him. well, i just don't want you to say anything to him about it, grady, you know? because it'd just get him upset. lamont, i won't say a word. things will be like they always were. we'll be...close. arm in arm. side by side forever. good, grady. good. [sobbing] lamont? yeah? can you catch what he has? 'cause if you can, i'm not going near him. oh, here he comes now,

uh, this is fred sanford, lamont's father, of sanford and son. oh, what you got in the pot, pops? oh, it's just some stew that i fixed, and i was sitting at home alone and i thought i'd bring it over. y'all didn't eat yet, did you? uh, no, uh, all we had was peanuts and potato chips. oh, that ain't no good food. that's the kind of stuff you take to the zoo to feed the animals. look here, smell this. yeah. ooh, i just love onion stew! oh, and i'm hungry enough to eat that whole pot. that's good. it's a good feeling to know somebody's enjoying your cooking while you at home, all alone, lonesome, and by yourself. well, wait now, you can't just leave all this here and go home alone and sit! yes, he can, girls. you love doing that, don't you, pop? well, good night, pops. no, wait a minute, wait a minute, look here, wait a minute. let me serve it, and then i'll leave in a little bit, and i'll just serve it to you. y'all got anything to drink? ench furniture polish. "bourougoleg" or something. hey, look here, reach inside my coat here. reach right in there. both: ripple! yay! this is wha

i'm lamont sanford. how do you do? i'm helen funai, and i represent the funai real-estate company. oh, well, i'm fred sanford, and i'm president of, uh... sanford's junky junkyard, inc. won't you please come in? thank you. yes, come right in and sit down over here. relax. do you care for a snack or anything like that? i think i got some rice in the cupboard. pop, stop. no, thank you. if you don't mind, i'd like to get right down to business. i'm sure you're aware by now that my company has been buying up property on this block. oh, really? yes, and since you are the last party to come to terms, you can understand our desire to quickly conclude negotiations. yes, we understand. yes. listen, you mean everybody else has signed up but us? we're the last ones left? perty. however, we also realize that there is a certain amount of sentimental value involved. the sentimental value. yes. so i think you'll agree that we have been quite fair in our offer. $20,000? we feel that's reasonable. don't you? [serious voice] ah, yes, that's very reasonable. perhaps...perhaps we should sign, father. i

sanford. hey, roberto. hi, lamont. hello, se?or sanford. buenos tacos. ha ha ha ha. [speaking spanish] well, you see, mr. sanford-- he'll love this one. adios, brat-os. hey, julio? yeah. tell your sister carlotta that i'm glad that she's here, and my home is her home. wow. that's nice, man. carlotta, dice que aqu? en esta casa, t? puedes estar como si t? eres en tu propia casa. ah, s?. muchas gracias. thank you very much. [speaking spanish] oh, no. no, no, no, no. no, no, look, no. you don't have to do that. this. this--this lady's a guest in our house. get them papers over there, honey. [speaking inaudibly] hey, julio, tell your sister carlotta that she doesn't have to do any cleaning or cooking because my pop--see, he does all the housework. tell her that. julio: right. great. [speaking spanish] ah, s?. ay, pero eso no es trabajo del hombre. eso le toca la mujer. es el trabajo de las mujeres. hey, hey, hey, lamont. what'd she say? how would i know? who you think i am, ricardo montalban? my mama say to clean is the work of a woman, not the man. and t?o julio said in

lamont, just relax and let me handle this. now, mr. sanford, when did you steal the alleged jewelry? it's allegedly steal the jewelry. oh, yeah, that's right. i missed that on the exam, too. cost me my straight-a at the academy. well, see, i stole it last night because i like to tiptoe through the twig light. and when you went to sleep, i tiptoed down to the hotel. smitty, what's he talking about? this ring, lamont. he says he stole it from frank sinatra. he didn't steal that ring from frank sinatra. he got that from behind the sofa at our house. listen, will you shut up? you ain't had nothin' to do with it. i stole it--me. not him. what's wrong with you? listen--oh. listen, lock me up. lock me up. do you have an intensive care cell? lamont, was this ring in your house? yes, it was. and i put it there. not you, me. pop, are you trying to protect me from something? don't you know when to shut up? wait a minute. i know. you think rollo stole that ring, don't you? rollo? steal? you think i'm involved in it and you're trying to protect me. here's

sanford, huh? hold this. ah. now shove it up your nose. lamont, i'll get to the point. you are the perfect candidate to run for the office of state assemblyman in this district. assemblyman? me? hey, man, i didn't even graduate from high school. oh, well, lamont, that doesn't matter. you're down to earth. you should run for deodorant. look, i... i appreciate all the nice flowery speeches you're making, mr. cambridge, but i'm just not interested. now, lamont, i beg you to reconsider. your state is calling you. no, man-- definitely not. oh, well, all right. i guess i'll just have to cancel your fundraising dinner. fundraising? your state is calling you. now, now, hurry up and answer before they hang up. uh, ahem. lamont, by the way, just in passing, an assemblyman does earn about 20,000 a year. my son, serving his country with honesty and youth, serving his voters with integrity and pride, and serving his father with a new truck and a color tv. [knock on door] hey, everybody. say, lamont, you mind signing these postcards? i promised the fellas down at the barber shop that

i'm lamont sanford, and this is grady wilson. well, how do you do, mr. wilson? oh, y-yeah, gosh, gee whiz, i--i feel a touch of pneumonia coming on. i've been very susceptible to pneumonia ever since i had a tooth taken out, see? and the cold air keeps rushin' up to my lungs. oh, i'm sorry. well, that's all right, mr. haystack. hastings. oh, that's all right. well, as i'm sure you have already discovered, a mistake regarding your social security check. huh? uh, wait a minute. i can't hear you. i'm sorry, but, you see, uh... the water in my lungs keeps rushing up to my ears. and it makes everybody sound like they're gargling. i'm so sorry. oh, well, that's all right, mr. haystack. hastings! oh, leave him alone. can't you see the man is sick? for him seeing his friend die with water in the ears. i understand, and i'll try to be as brief as possible. now, as you are aware, our computer made a terrible mistake this month. hold it. there goes that gargling again. oh, it go hhrrrrrggh! like that. everything sounds like hhrrrrrggh! our computer made a mistake. it will

lamont sanford." uh, maybe i better stay here after all. oh, no, sugar. you just go on out and enjoy your bowlin' night. bye. it's not gonna work, judy. that's what you think. everything is fine out in the kitchen. good. are we gonna have our smoked pork butt now? oh, in a minute. but first, we gonna sit down here i want you to get nice and comfortable. you comfy now? yeah, i'm comfy. i'm hungry, too. say--say, that was really nice of you to take off in the evening to spend with an old man. you wanna know something? i like older men. you do? mm-hmm. they're so much more refined and experienced and wise. they are? mm-hmm. they really are, daddy. can i call you daddy, grady? if--yeah, you can call me granny or dadey or just anything. i want you to stop calling yourself a old man. you not such a old man. i'm not? mm-mmm, daddy. you still got it. now i'm gonna get your supper. oh, lord. maybe i still got it, ahh, she likes older men. [speaking spanish] yeah. i begin to understand. you do? yeah. you ask me if you got it. you got it. and she wants it. what? you

sanford. oh, hi, honey. i was in the neighborhood, so i thought i'd drop by. is lamont home? yeah. he's inside. say, listen. what you think of it now? well, frankly, mr. sanford, my opinion hasn't changed very much. really? really. i thought you'd taken it down by now. taken it down? why should i take down something shocking and incredible and a piece of socially significant theme art? nt said that you said. and because you said that, that's why i'm not gonna charge you a regular admission. this one's on me. mr. sanford, i'm afraid there's been some mistake. yes, it is because it turned out a lot better than you thought it was, didn't it? now, listen, tell me everything that you told lamont word for word. mr. sanford, i believe you better sit down. i know i owe you, rollo. i owe the bank, i owe you, i owe aunt esther. i don't print the money, you know. i know you do. [crash] hey. hey, rollo, i'm gonna have to call you back. all right? ok. hey, pop. yeah. what--what happened, man? what'd you do? i threw it down 'cause sandra was by here and told me everything. hey, i'm sorry, man. yeah, i'm sorry

lamont: sanford and son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience. ? good times ? ? anytime you need a payment ? ? good times ? ? anytime you need a friend ? ? good times ? ? anytime you're out from under ? ? not getting hassled, not getting hustled ? ? keeping your head above water ? ? making a wave when you can ? ? temporary layoffs ? ? good times ? ? easy credit rip-offs ? ? good times ? ? scratching and surviving ? ? good times ? ? hanging in a chow line ? ? good times ? ? ain't we lucky we got 'em? ? what you got there? this here's my portfolio i'm taking to gary, indiana with me. when i go down to the bus station to get my bus ticket, or thelma's, whichever comes first. j.j., how come you have to go all the way to gary, indiana, just to look for a job? don't they have comic-book companies in chicago? yeah, michael, but see, the mahogany comic company is a new one in gary, and that opening they got for assistant art director can get me in on the ground floor. you know, they offered me a salary commensurate with my talent. how much is that? that sure doesn't soun

lamont. hi, mr. sanford. hey, grab a chair. sit down here and how some coffee. you know, i was just talking to my father about how he can't express his true feelings. i can. choo-choo, i hate you. pop! you said i couldn't express my true feeling. that's my true feeling. no offense, choo-choo. [kettle whistles] hey, lamont, it's ok. i mean since i've been to the group, i can put up with anything. you know that was really a great session. hey, and the next one's gonna be even better. pop's gonna sit in on that one, aren't you, pop? what? wow, that's great, mr. sanford. maybe now you'll find out why you hate people. i don't hate people. don't get no rice on my clothes. [exhales] look it, you said you hate people. i'm people. you're not my people. mr. sanford, now you know that that's not the truth. i mean, way down deep inside we're both exactly the same. yeah. deep down. but as you get closer to the surface, i turn black and you turn yellow. what is the matter with you, man? ah chew is our neighbor, and you know what it says in the bible. "love thy neighbor." well

sanford. hey, pop, me and julio didn't hear you. t?o. t?o! t?o! [lamont and julio laughing] that's nice, man. i said t?o, not chico, i'd like my newspaper now, if you don't mind. well, i do mind. getting your newspaper wasn't one of the promises i had to make. no, but watching what i wanted to watch on television was, and if you don't get my newspaper, i might not feel like watching roller derby tonight. roller derby? i'll get your newspaper for you. where's my newspaper? i'll get it for you as soon as i take care of something else. omises. i only asked you to be nice to julio. yeah, and you made me promise to be nice to chico, too. well, what's so hard about that? he's in the yard, and if i hadn't promised you that i'd be nice to him, i'd chase him out of here. why? what's he doing? why? you don't know? well, if you go out in the yard, i hope you don't have no shoes on. captioning made possible by sony pictures television ? good times ? ? anytime you need a payment ? ? good times ? ? anytime you need a friend ? ? good times ? ? anytime you're out from un

lamont, you always welcome to my house. but you, fred sanford, you old fish-eyed fool... don't you ever set foot in my house again. oh, glory! you old heathen. back to your cave, you old bat! listen, let me tell you something right now, pop. yes, all right then, son. ok. huh? yeah. anything you want me to do, i'll do because i want you to do anything i tell you to do. what's the matter with you, pop? well, see, it's like this, son. let me explain. like what? how's this sound? now, you've heard of the zanies. song, comedy and dance. lamont: right. well, bowlegs and i, we're song and comedy. and you are dance. pop, i-- popeye ain't got nothing to do with this. see, bowlegs is in trouble,

lamont. [door shuts] hello there, mr. sanford. pop, say hello to julio. all right. then say hello to your ex-shirt. ha ha ha. that's funny, that's funny. say, julio, that shirt does look good on you. mr. sanford. it would even look better if you washed it. and then-- and starch it and iron it, and then fold it up real neat and shove it up your nose. [knocking] hey, rollo. what's going on, dude? what's happening? hey, everybody, say, you know arms crowder. what's happening? julio: how you doing, arms? what's happening, man? hey, pops, how's it going? oh, it's pretty good, rollo. uh, crime outside went down 50%. why? 'cause you inside. man. hey, rollo. how come you got here on time, man? say, man, we took the bus. you should've been there, man. the bus driver asked arms for the exact change, so he took a 50 cent piece and tore it in half. hey, look, why don't you shuffle, and let's sit down and play some poker. hey, man, i can dig it. oh, yeah. man, where do i sit? huh? where do i sit? anywhere you want to, brother. fred: say, al. look here, al. uh, here's lamont's fr

lamont, man. how's it goin'? all right. mr. sanford, beunas noches. buenas noches. hey, that means good night, don't it? right. well, good night, so long, and i'll see you at the next revolution. hey, pop, would you leave julio alone? no, that's all right, man. whenever he says things like that, i just turn the other cheek. hey, lamont, i just came by to tell you, man. i can't make that movie tonight. what's up? oh, i'm just too tired, man. you know, i drove over 200 miles making pickups today. 200 miles? you've been to tijuana. now where are they? who? them wetbacks. hey, lamont, we'll make the movie some other time, ok? ok, it's been a hard day for me, too. look, why don't you grab a squat before you split? great. hey, you know something, man? it seems like every day is a hard day on this job, man. that's funny. that's the same thing i ask myself. why did julio get into the junk business? why is he living next door to us? why is he smuggling wetbacks into america? come on, mr. sanford. you know what i'm talking about, man. running a junkyard is a rough business, m

lamont, you always welcome to my house. but you, fred sanford, you old fish-eyed fool... don't you ever set foot in my house again. oh, glory! you old heathen. back to your cave, you old bat! listen, let me tell you something right now, pop. yes, all right then, son. ok. huh? yeah. anything you want me to do, i'll do because i want you to do anything i tell you to do. what's the matter with you, pop? well, see, it's like this, son. let me explain. like what? how's this sound? now, you've heard of the zanies. song, comedy and dance. lamont: right. well, bowlegs and i, we're song and comedy. and you are dance. pop, i-- popeye ain't got nothing to do with this. see, bowlegs is in trouble, and we're not gonna let him down for no reason. he needs us. and listen, i owe him a favor for the rest of my life because he introduced me to your mother. i didn't know that. you didn't know that? i could've swore i told you. ? the way you treated me ? ? i know i'm not to blame ? ? oh, jelly, jelly, jelly ? ? jelly stays on my mind ? ? jelly roll killed my papie ? ? it run my mama stone bl

sanford? yes. john crenshaw. it's a pleasure. mr. crenshaw, this is my son, lamont. how you doing? how do you do? the pants. yeah, the pants. they're nice, aren't they? where did you get them? no. i mean the horse's pants. oh. that's my idea. i thought since he's such a great racehorse, i would just keep his legs warm. a thoroughbred? sure. and as soon as we finish making our deal, i'll go in the house and try to find them. general lee. general lee? yeah. born 1959. 1959. yes. yeah. it was confederate lad out of carolina bell. and that's not all he's out of. good-bye, inheritance. you're trying to sell me a gelding for breeding purposes, mr. sanford? gelding? a gelding? i--i didn't know this was a gelding horse. i thought it was a racehorse. hey, come on, pop. the race is over. mr. sanford, just--just how much did you think you could get for this horse? oh, $100,000. $50,000. i'd ever sell him for $30,000. would you take 25? $25,000? uh, no. $25. $25? that's right. you see, mr. sanford, and i would rather spend $25 to keep him in a pasture then to see him pulling a junk wagon. well, i'm a sentimentalist, to

lamont. you expect me to believe a cock-and-bull story like that? well, i guess it's just sanford and the sapsuckers. captioning made possible by sony pictures television ? good times ? ? anytime you need a payment ? ? good times ? ? anytime you need a friend ? ? good times ? ? anytime you're out from under ? ? not getting hassled, not getting hustled ? ? keeping your head above water ? ? making a wave when you can ? ? temporary layoffs ? ? good times ? ip-offs ? ? good times ? ? scratching and surviving ? ? good times ? ? hanging in a chow line ? ? good times ? ? ain't we lucky we got 'em? ?

lamont. did he hit you before the bell rang? come on, son, get up. you big dummy, you! you, you hit my son before the bell rang? nobody does that! nobody does that to a sanford and lives! he hit you before-- all right, you big dummy! (grunting) hey, look! hey, look at that! (audience applauding) - fred, you crazy! you crazy! you done blow the whole deal! - well, when i saw him hit my son, i couldn't help it. yep, i just went crazy! you don't do that. - oh i'm sorry, mr. fitzgerald, but this is-- - no, no, no, no! i like junior, yerby. i like him! i like the way he handles himself. now, do you think he can do that friday night? - do what? - oh yeah, i've seen him do it even faster than that! - oh good, good, then he is back on the card because i've got to have a fast knockout friday night to make my own fighter look good. - you got it. - i like him, but i don't want to see him anywhere near the arena. - i don't want to be near the arena where you are because you're a crook, and you're a cheat, and you're not honest. - oh, i get it. - give me my money back. - how much will it cost to buy you out? - give me 50. - all right, junior, come on, let's get dressed an

lamont! hey, look. oh, thank goodness, you're still here. now, look, this lady was out drinking with your father one night, and she claims that he proposed to her. and now she's saying that i'm fred sanford. for pete's sakes, will you please tell her who i am? oh, sure, that's easy. he's the boss, fred sanford. i'll see you later, pop. no, no! hey, no! oh, fred! i'm gonna get you. hey, good morning, grady. say, good morning, grady. hey, you shouldn't do that. you scared me to death. hey, what happened last night after i left? 'cause when i got home, you was asleep. well, how come you didn't stay around and tell that lady who i was? you could have cleared everything up. no, i couldn't do that, grady. you kicked me out of my own house yeah, well, you sure left me in a bad spot. hey, how'd you get rid of her, anyway? well, when your father gets in trouble, he either has arthritis or a heart attack. and i had them both. plus, a severe case of abdominal cramps. you mean gas, don't you? hey, listen, you better stick around in case that lady comes back, and then you can tell her who i am. uh, i'd like to do that, grady, but i gotta make a pick up with the truck, t, you know how those-- you know