[laughing] >> larry: it wasn't me. [laughing] >> larry: alright. it was me. the new york city minimum wage will increase from 11 in th 11.5 an hour. congratulations, new yorkers you can save for that side of guac you have wanted. and robot police for silicon valley. this is "the nightly show" ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] >> larry: ya. welcome to the "nightly show" i'm your host larry wilmore. about to go into space with ben carson, me and him. i'm announcing it right now on the show. it's an inside joke. you have to see "the nightly show." [cheers and applause] >> larry: oh, tonight we're joined by the man of a thousand voices hank azaria is going to be on the show. very funny. [cheers and applause] >> larry: funny and talented actor all in one package. by the way, good news for people living in new york. the mayor bill de blasio announced a change. >> minimum wage workers make 11.50 an hour. a increase of $15 an hour by 2018. >> larry: 2018, $15 an hour will go a long way in post apo

another larry deadline problem. -larry. -larry: yeah?how many hours you really think it would take to get this done? larry: 6:00. -lemonis: four hours? -larry: yeah. lemonis: you realize that people are coming at 7:00? i have tons of people coming. it literally is the grand opening tonight. men,...to stay fit. yet 68% don't know ... ... physical activity increases our need for antioxidants. let's add one a day men's vitacraves. a complete gummy multivitamin with antioxidants ... ... to help meet your increased needs. one a day. ever since i had a pretty bad accident three years ago. the medical bills - the credit card debt all piled up. i knew i had to get serious my credit. so i signed up for experian. they have real, live credit experts i can talk to. they helped educate me on how debt affected my fico score. so i could finally start managing my credit. now my credit and i - are both healing nicely. get serious about your credit. get experian. go to experian.com and start your credit tracker trial membership today. this bale of hay can

another larry deadline problem. -larry. -larry: yeah?many hours you really think it would take to get this done? larry: 6:00. -lemonis: four hours? -larry: yeah. lemonis: you realize that people are coming at 7:00? i have tons of people coming. it literally is the grand opening tonight. cleans so well, it keeps your underwear cleaner. so clean...you could wear them a second day. charmin ultra strong. it's 4 times stronger, and you can use up to 4 times less. enjoy the go with charmin. is i have tons of people the ccoming at 7:00. have it literally is the grand opening tonight. larry: i got it. i got it. lemonis: you're gonna get those up in time, as well? larry: yeah. lemonis: and the store's gonna get put back together? larry: yeah. lemonis: and you're not living in fantasyland? larry: come over here. lemonis: 15 minutes, guys. 15 minutes. [ glass shatters ] [bleep] they're gonna all go on this half. we are literally racing around the clock here trying to get everything done. larry, five minutes. this is his do-or-die moment, and it has

this is "nightly show." ( cheers and applause ) >> larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you very much. thank you, so much. please, thank you. welcome-- i love it, "larry, larry." almost some harmony going on over there, i think. i'm not sure what it was. welcome to "the nightly show." i am larry wilmore. man, we have a great show tonight, but before we get to it, i have to take a minute and mention the winter storm that's hitting our nation. not the snowstorm, but the ( bleep ) storm coming out of this woman's mouth. >> our vets and you deserve a commander in chief who will respect what it is that our forces go through and would never leave them behind! a commander in chief who would never lie to the families of the fallen. >> larry: not this again. ( laughter ) i can't take it, you guys. i thought we left her behind in 2008 along with jeremiah wright and jack johnson. why is she still here? and, by the way, what prompted sarah palin to take a dump on obama as the commander in chief our military? >> police arrested track palin this week for allegedly assa

>> larry: no, dre. just said cosby' already posted bail, which makes me question if you're even watching the show. >> dre: sorry, larry. i got one of those cool remote control "star wars" robots for christmas, so i have been a little distracted. but it's cosby! in jail! come on, let me drop at least a couple of balloons. (cheering) >> larry: okay, fine. you can drop a couple of balloons. (laughter) >> larry: so sad! okay. i wasn't sure what that was. so he's out on bail. but the case is like a slam dunk, right? he's going to get convicted, right? >> what challenges, if any, does the prosecution face in proving cosby guilty? >> this particular case, you don't have physical evidence. you don't have eyewitnesses. >> they've got to prove something that happened 12 years ago without physical evidence, and when the woman reported over a year after it happened. >> larry: oh, umm, i know we bothers tend to rail against a rush to judgment, but if you could rush to judgment on this particular case, i can talk to

another larry deadline problem. -larry. -larry: yeah?rs you really think it would take to get this done? larry: 6:00. -lemonis: four hours? -larry: yeah. lemonis: you realize that people are coming at 7:00? i have tons of people coming. it literally is the grand opening tonight. ♪ beth, i hear you calling.♪.s ♪ but i can't come home right now... ♪ ♪ me and the boys are playing.♪. ♪ ... all nig♪t text beth, what can i do... [siri:] message. pick up milk. oh, right. milk. introducing the newly redesigned passat. from volkswagen. [bassist] two late nights in blew an amp.but good nights. sure,music's why we do this,but it's still our business. we spend days booking gigs, then we've gotta put in the miles to get there. but it's not without its perks. like seeing our album sales go through the roof enough to finally start paying meg's little brother- i mean,our new tour manager-with real,actual money. we run on quickbooks.that's how we own it. you can't breathed. through your nose. suddenly, you're a mouthbreather. a mouthbreather! how can any

another larry deadline problem. -larry. -larry: yeah?really think it would take to get this done? larry: 6:00. -lemonis: four hours? -larry: yeah. lemonis: you realize that people are coming at 7:00? i have tons of people coming. it literally is the grand opening tonight. i'm bushed! i've been on my feel alyea me too. excuse me...coming through! ride the gel wave of comfort with dr. scholls massaging gel insoles. they're proven to give you comfort. which helps you feel more energized ...all day long. i want what he has. in new york state, we believe tomorrow starts today. all across the state the economy is growing, with creative new business incentives, the lowest taxes in decades, and university partnerships, attracting the talent and companies of tomorrow. like in utica, where a new kind of workforce is being trained. and in albany, the nanotechnology capital of the world. let us help grow your company's tomorrow, today at business.ny.gov [bassist] two late nights in blew an amp.but good nights. sure,music's why we do this,but it's st

to the show >> larry, larry, larry!nk you very much. such a great audience tonight. >> larry! >> larry: i like that la-la-larry! i am larry wilmore. we've got a great show for you. you qaim on a very special night. and i know what you're thinking at home. are you talking about carol's birthday? no, i'm not, i'm not. it makes sense. it does make sense. it does make sense. but one year ago tonight, we started doing this show. ( cheers and applause ) a year ago. wow! can you believe it? wooo"n" that's right, man. it is our one-year anniversary! i have to say, we got a very, very thoughtful gift. thoughtful gift. donald trump was kind enough to talk about religion, which brings us to tonight's unblackening. one of the key constituents that donald trump has to win over are the evangelicals. now, they make up 57% of the caucus-goers in iowa. and according to trump, he's in good standing. >> i have a very great relationship with god. and i have a very great relationship with evangelicals. ( laughter ) >> larry: if trump and go

that's what i'm talking about larry. welcome to the nightly show, i'm larry wilmore. we have a great show tonight. remember, at the end of tonight's show i'll be answering one of your "keep it 100" questions, so stick around for that. that's going to be a lot of fun. president obama gave a very moving speech yesterday outlining his executive actions on gun control. to give you a little perspective on america's relationship with gun violence, today is january 6th and there have already been 170 deaths because of gun violence in this country this year. january 6th. it's not even been a week! baby new year doesn't even have object permanence yet! [laughter] okay, so what action did the president execute executively? >> under the president's new executive actions, a warning to nearly all gun sellers to conduct background checks or risk prosecution. >> larry: good. >> plus, new f.b.i. and a.t.f. agents, $500 million for mental health care, and a new push to develop smart gun technology. >> larry: good. >> there's some constraints on freedom in order to protect innocent peo

another larry deadline problem. -larry. -larry: yeah? take to get this done? larry: 6:00. -lemonis: four hours? -larry: yeah. lemonis: you realize that people are coming at 7:00? i have tons of people coming. it literally is the grand opening tonight. ... 83% try to eat healthy. yet up 90% fall short in getting key nutrients from food alone. let's do more. add one a day women's gummies. complete with key nutrients we may need... ...plus it supports bone health with calcium and vitamin d. one a day vitacraves gummies. ... 83% try to eat healthy. yet up 90% fall short in getting key nutrients from food alone. let's do more. add one a day women's gummies. complete with key nutrients we may need... ...plus it supports bone health with calcium and vitamin d. one a day vitacraves gummies. even tempur-pedic mattress sets getat low clearance prices!c, save even more on floor samples, demonstrators, and closeout inventory! the year end clearance sale is on now at sleep train! ♪ your ticket to a better night's sleep ♪ we're always looking for ways

larry: what? [laughing] >> larry: what, why are you laughing? >> because we're going to get nuked, larry. >> larry: okay. dennis rodman, everyone. we will be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪ (cell phone rings) where are you? well the squirrels are back in the attic. mom? your dad won't call an exterminator... can i call you back, mom? he says it's personal this time... if you're a mom, you call at the worst time. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. where are you? it's very loud there. are you taking a zumba class? hey coworkers. it's me, and not colonel sanders. don't you just hate those long days when you're so busy doing business things that you can't make a hot, home-cooked meal for the family. well, i just picked up a twenty dollar family fill up from kfc. hand-breaded with eleven herbs and spices. do you even work here? well of course i do, terry. lisa. claire. tiffany. hazel. it's finger lickin' good. that's why i switched from u-verse to xfinity. now i c

captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to the nightly show. >> larry, larry, larry! >> larry: thank you so much, please. so kind. yes. i know. some people just sit on things and go o-w, ooh. i'm larry wilmore. happy martin luther king, jr. day, everyone. funny cuz i'm actually a little under the weather. i had a fever of 102 last night. i know, you know my body telling me that comedy central really shouldn't be making a brother work today. (laughter) apparently-- (laughter). >> larry: apparently my immune system says screw it, and took the day off. i'm sure my t-cells are off honoring the legacy of dr. king somewhere. oh, that's my t-cells. dammity, t-krelts. wait, getting high and watching ncis? it's mlk day, t-cells. at least watch "empire." doesn't matter, doesn't matter. time to check in, oh, guys, it's time to check in with the attempt to de-negrofy the white house. so time to see what's happening with the unblackening. so we had another top secret democratic debate last night. this time they tried to hide it on nbc. yes, they did. i found it though. (laughter)

>> larry: wait. why are you rejecting water? >> it's dasani, larry.'m thirsty, but i'm not an animal. get out of here! >> larry: i'm not sure that makes sense. that one was more to your liking? >> oh, yeah. that's that jennifer lawrence-donated water. that's that good ( bleep ), larry. that's that good top shelf. >> larry: uh, i have to say, it doesn't seem really marathon-y. why aren't there any other runners around you? >> well, i guess i've fallen a little bit behind pace, larry. >> larry: seems like more than a little. are you in last place? >> how about cutting me some slack, larry? this is my fourth (bleep) marathon today. >> larry: i'm sorry. shouldn't flint be ashamed of itself for making its citizens go to such extreme measures just for water? >> larry, i ain't trying to blame anybody. i'm just trying to survive. look at my grandma. she was so thirsty yesterday, she beat the kenyans. the kenyans! no one ever does that! that's really hard. the kenyans! >> larry: oh, my god! diego ramirez, everybody. good luck, diego! ♪ where have all the good

>> grace: hi, larry. (cheers and applause) >> larry: hi, grace. now, there seem to be a lot of unanswered questions in this story. >> grace: lots of unanswered questions, larry, like who is el chapo dating? ♪ >> larry: hold on, grace. i know we normally send you out on our entertainment reporting, but i want to get some serious reporting here on the el chapo situation. >> grace: loud and leer, larry. loud and clear. seriously, will we see "el chapo" at the movies? or perhaps as a netflix original? ♪ >> larry: stop that. please. now can you tell me anything about el chapo and sean penn's relationship? like how did this meeting even come about? >> grace: well, larry, penn-chapo has been rumored to have a bromance for quite some time. >> larry: grace, grace... "penn-chapo"? you're slipping into that entertainment talk again. >> grace: i'm sorry, larry. the details about their interaction have not been made clear yet. >> larry: okay, okay. >> grace: but i'll tell you what is clear, larry -- the fashion world is buzzing about el chapo's blue paisley si

>> larry: what, now that's bad?guys. >> sensitive crowd. >> larry: now, how about the economy? what do we give obama on the economy? the economy was in a freefall when he started? >> it had fallen. it was not in freefall. >> it was pressing that life alert button like, "i've fallen and i can't get up." that was our economy. >> larry: why do people think the economy is not doing well? is it that the economy is not doing well or that it's not being shared in the right way with everyone who is participating in the economy? >> i don't know-- >> i think a lot of it comes from the media. i think, like, but, also, fox news is saying like, "it's horrible. the economy is bad. barack is doing a horrible thing." and the more ( bleep ) you hear, the more you start to believe it. you know what i mean? like, in you hear-- listen to fox news. like, i shouldn't even be sitting with this many black people right now. so you start to believe ( bleep ). >> these politicians that say the economy is bad, do they-- do they think we're stu

another larry deadline problem. -larry. -larry: yeah?how many hours you really think it would take to get this done? larry: 6:00. -lemonis: four hours? -larry: yeah. lemonis: you realize that people are coming at 7:00? i have tons of people coming. it literally is the grand opening tonight. men,...to stay fit. yet 68% don't know ... ... physical activity increases our need for antioxidants. let's add one a day men's vitacraves. a complete gummy multivitamin with antioxidants ... ... to help meet your increased needs. one a day. [bassist] two late nights in blew an amp.but good nights. sure,music's why we do this,but it's still our business. we spend days booking gigs, then we've gotta put in the miles to get there. but it's not without its perks. like seeing our album sales go through the roof enough to finally start paying meg's little brother- i mean,our new tour manager-with real,actual money. we run on quickbooks.that's how we own it. after a dvt blood clot.mind when i got out of the hospital what about my family? my li'l buddy? and

>> larry: tonightly. president obama goes around congress and lays out his executive orders on gun control. i don't even have a punchline here, i just want to say: finally! the new gun measures require that anyone who wants to sell guns must register as a licensed gun dealer. that's gonna disappoint a lot of kids on my block this summer. yup, president obama unveiled his new gun control plan yesterday. unfortunately, it only lasted for about 30 minutes before it was killed in a mass shooting in a parking lot. [laughter] it is sad, i agreed. let's get this party started, this is "the nightly show!!" captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] thank you very much. oh, thank you. listen man, i also thankful we have such a great crowd tonight and we don't even have a band. we do it. that's what i'm talking about larry. welcome to the nightly show, i'm larry wilmore. we have a great show tonight. remember, at the end of tonight's show i'll be answering one of your "keep it 100" questions, so s

welcome. >> larry, larry, larry. >> larry: thank you very much, thank you, you're too kind. what a great crowd, man. thank you so much. on a thursday night. i know. on a trumpless debate night. wow, it's exciting. welcome to the nightly show. i'm larry wilmore. now guys, as you know, president obama only has about 11 months left in office. you know, let's check in in the latest developments in obama-don't-care. okay. tonight's target, law enforcement. >> the obama administration is asking local law enforcement agencies nationwide to return federal military equipment by april 1st after concerns it was being misused. >> larry: okay. well, what kind of equipment are we talking about, nautilus machines, snowblowers, thigh masters? >> grenade launchers, high caliber weapon, bayonnettes, high tanks with tracks, not wheel, weapon onize aircraft. >> mine resistant trucks. >> loud sirens that can cause pain, loss of balance, eardrum rupture and permanent hearing damage. >> larry: what? jesus, that's the kind of equipment our local cops have? what is this, call of duty, the verb? seri

another larry deadline problem. -larry. -larry: yeah?emonis: how many hours you really think it would take to get this done? larry: 6:00. -lemonis: four hours? -larry: yeah. lemonis: you realize that people are coming at 7:00? i have tons of people coming. it literally is the grand opening tonight. if legalzoom has your back.s, over the last 10 years we've helped one million business owners get started. visit legalzoom today for the legal help you need to start and run your business. legalzoom. legal help is here. iall across the state belthe economy is growing,day. with creative new business incentives, and the lowest taxes in decades, attracting the talent and companies of tomorrow. like in the hudson valley, with world class biotech. and on long island, where great universities are creating next generation technologies. let us help grow your company's tomorrow, today at business.ny.gov parking is hard to find. seems like everyone drives. and those who do should switch to geico because you could save hundreds on car insurance. ah, perf

(cheers and applause) >> rory: thank you, larry. >> larry: hey, trig!and let me just say this to america, this dildo prank is stupid. nobody's laughing. i have been throwing dildos on the floor all week. >> larry: uh, trig, are those dildos on your table? >> rory: how?! c'mon! that's the last of them, larry. now it's all about a serious occupation. >> ricky: what's up, trig? just got a fresh box of dildos. >> rory: dammit! put them on the table so i can knock them on the floor. >> ricky: and i have something to say to america -- stop sending us dildos. >> yes, yes. what we need is batteries! no, no. >> larry: wait, batteries? ricky: yeah, batteries, lotion, maybe that deangelo album. i like that fella. he's good! >> rory: you're not helping, colt. >> holly: hold on, larry! >> larry: holly? holly, robin and grace, everyone. (cheers and applause) holly, what are you all doing? >> holly: grace, robin, and i have been occupying this post office for a week. >> larry: what, you have been there for a week? >> holly: yes, larry, and nobody's sent us any dildos!

>> larry: yes, it's the worst. i mean... no. >> well, larry, i've got to split.resident clinton is heading off to denny's to "look for some talent." i think denny's requires a shirt, mr. president! >> larry: well, good luck! carlos jordanson, everyone. we'll be right back. crispy m&m's® are baaaack. what are you doing? you said to tell our fans crispy m&m's® are back. not those fans! did you mean this fan? no. (annoyed grumbles) what about that one? there's a fan in the break room, oh! and in the....(trails off) so good, they're back. ♪ (trap door opening) rootmetrics in the nation's largest independent study tested wireless performance across the country. verizon, won big with 153 state wins. at&t got 38, sprint got 2, and t-mobile got zero. verizon also won first in the us for data, call speed, and reliability. at&t got... text. stuck on an average network? join verizon and we'll cover your costs to switch. >> larry: welcome back. earlier, we mentioned some of the heckling and trolling that's been going on between the candidates on the campaign. trail, but i wa

larry: really? astrophysics? >> more like "ass"-strophysics? get it? in that palin and trump are both asses. ( laughter ) i make science humorous. >> larry: very nice, very nice. >> anyway, they're both such dense pockets of unchecked stupidity, and the mass of their egos is so great, and their pull on the news cycle is so strong, that there's really only one precedent in the entire universe for what's happening, and that is the convergence of two black holes. you are familiar with black holes, are you not, larry? ( laughter ) >> larry: you mean a section of space where gravity is so strong that nothing can escape? >> yes, a massive dead star, but enough about sarah palin. ( laughter ) now we're cooking with noble gases! well, in the rare event that you've got two black holes sharing the same region of spacetime or holding a press conference together, their gravitational pull is such that they will slowly converge into one massive, roiling cauldron of suck. that is a scientific term by the way. >> l

it will pass. >> no, it won't -- >> larry: it's me, it's larry, it's larry. no, it's larry., it's okay. >> i'm just saying it was black. >> larry: i know. it's okay. are we all -- >> we tried. can you do this. >> larry: okay. all right. take a look. this is hollywood racism we're talking about, okay. academy vendors aren't just like any old ma cision. they are practically -- i'll show you. let's say these cards of performance issues. they could have been black, asian, any people of color. all of these people are people that could have been performing this year. but once the oscars get into it. boom. >> oh, now. >> no, no. >> white -- >> no. [bleep] >> don't do that now [bleep] >> larry: academy members are -- >> i told you he was the devil. >> larry: stop it. >> larry: stop it. thank you. video streaming burns tons of data. and those other guys love over charging you for it. not t-mobile! now you can binge watch without watching your data. it's binge on - only from t-mobile. get unlimited streaming on netflix, hbo now, hulu, and more. plus get four lines with up to six gigs

just say it larry. say it. >> larry: rand paul, everybody.t's all we got. ♪ ♪ really gotta get the elbows. will you get the middle of my back? there is no middle. ♪ you ready? you know it, you ready? you know it. ♪ video streaming burns tons of data. and those other guys love over charging you for it. not t-mobile! now you can binge watch without watching your data. it's binge on - only from t-mobile. get unlimited streaming on netflix, hbo now, hulu, and more. plus get four lines with up to six gigs each for just thirty-five bucks a line. that's right. six gigs each plus all the video streaming you want with binge on. just thirty-five bucks per line. and it's only at t-mobile. we love, love, chocolaty, creamy, with a little something extra. mmm deliciousness. cookies or almonds. yumminess. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate. and they're off! should we tell them there are more? they'll figure it out, eventually. >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, nightly show contributor rory albanese nightly show contributor holly

consider it "the larry people vs. flint." so how did flint do the larry people wrong?attempt to cut costs, city officials stopped getting pretreated water from the city of detroit in 2014, and instead, began using water from the nearby flint river. the problem is that the flint river is 19 times more corrosive. >> larry: nineteen times more corrosive-- than detroit!zéÑi we're not talking about water from the islands of fiji, or the springs of poland, or the ancient underwater kingdom of aquafina-- we're talking about tap water from the bailout city. water nerds, tell me how this happened. >> the corrosive flint river wate goes from the plant to the water mains, to the service lines to homes. in flint, the water mains are made of iron, which turns some of the water brown. and half of the service lines and pipes in flint homes are made of lead. >> larry: just think about this. he started that sentence with "corrosive flint river water." and when it turns brown from the iron pipes, that's when it's still yummy. mmmmm... it gets bad when it goes through the dirty lead pipe

larry! larry! larry! oh, man. so so nice. such a nice crowd here tonight, man. welcome to "nightly show." , don't know how you keep guessing. you're right, i'm larry. as we near the end of 2015, i just want to take a moment to reflect on what has truly been an amazing year for me. i mean a year ago brother didn't have a show, right. so, hey, man, 2015, me and you, we good. ( cheers and applause ) such an amazing journey, guys. of course, soon after i arrived, my white neighbor moved out. ( laughter ) and then the whole neighborhood turned. ( laughter ) so, yeah. ( cheers and applause ) i apologize. i apologize. kind of my fault, really, when you think of it. but, look, i am proud of all we've accomplished in year one. we fixed racism. pretty good. it's no longer lurking in the shadows. now it's out in the open and running for president. yeah. ( cheers and applause ) so, hey, thanks to the fans who've been with us this year. tonight, we're doing a special segment on the show called "before we go." ♪ ♪ christmass-y. i like that. so we spent this past year talking

larry is my kind of dog.