maudie, here. i'm sorry. here's your check back. walter, i just want you to know, would've loaned it to you. arthur? arthur, does this mean you're not a god? well, in a way, vivian. okay, maude. where'd you get $12,000? mrs. naugatuck and i earned it, i mortgaged the house. you what? oh, come on, honey, i know you don't want any-- you mortgaged the house when i-- honey, honey-- don't "honey" me! you deliberately went against my wishes. i am mad, maude. i am really mad! walter... what are you going to do? i'll tell you what i'm gonna do. i'll tell you what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna make a sandwich this big! that's right, walter. go ahead. go ahead! i mean, who cares if you've already had one heart attack. go ahead, solve your problem the way your good friend sam solved his. oh, he really came up with a great solution, didn't he. oh, sweetie, you forgot the mozzarella cheese. ah, ar-- i mean, since you're going to kill yourself anyway, it's a great artery clogger. are at home, laughing hysterically over the way sam solved his problems.

don't tell anybody, will you, maudie? it's awful. a licensed physician, jealous of an unlicensed dog. you stand to lose something very valuable, and you should apologize. apologize to a dog? i'm talking about vivian!!! you--you think vivian would-- would leave me? well... arthur, chuck is... chuck is her baby. she thinks of him as her child. for vivian's sake, arthur, try to think of chuck as your son. ( sighs ) chuck. ( barks ) son. it's arthur harmon. dad. i've been thinking the whole thing over, and i'm gonna give you one more chance. ( sniffles and weeps ) oh, i'm sorry, walter. i know i shouldn't be doing this. oh, that's all right, vivian. your tears are no wetter than mine. "your tears are no wetter than mine." that's poetry. you're lyrical. ( sobs ) well, just a little. ( sobbing ) but i really shouldn't be bothering you like this. that's all right, vivian. that's what friends are for. ( sobbing ) you know, walter? if i were your wife, i'd never treat you the way maude does. i think you're a very sensitive man. oh? and very a

maudie, this is no time for practical jokes. i am under a great deal of stress, and vivian's nails are still wet. mrs. naugatuck? mrs. naugatuck? mrs. naugatuck: coming! coming! back upstairs, naugatuck. you're not going. i wish you'd told me earlier. i could have gone downtown and picked up a sailor. mrs. naugatuck, the fleet may be in, s ago. back upstairs! wait a minute! come back down here, mrs. naugatuck! back upstairs! i wish you'd make up your minds. with all this upping and downing, i've got a run in me pantyhose. it's obvious maude's upset oh, come on, vivian. i wouldn't go to that party if you got down on your hands and knees and begged me. although you're welcome to try. but maude, we thought we were doing you a favor. maude, we thought you'd be bored stiff. vivian, i stuffed my cabbage for you. maudie, please, it's nothing personal. you just don't belong at the party. it's--it's only for doctors. maude, arthur's right. his parties are dull, dumb, and stupid. thank you, walter. come on, arthur, it is perfectly obvious

that's not all, maudie. the heart being the symbol of valentine's, i also gave vivian a gift certificate for an electrocardiogram. isn't he the dearest, sweetest, most sentimental man in the whole world? well, this ought to hold you until dinner. well, party's beginning. um, carol, why don't you get phillip? and, uh, i'll get francie. uh... francie, dear, would you come down now? francie: give me one good reason why. i've got five good reasons right here in my hand. that's, uh, black ghetto talk. it means "i love you." maude, vivian tells me you're not doing too well with your little experiment in tolerance. oh, vivian is wrong, arthur. francie is coming along fine. okay, i'm here. look at that face. don't you just love that smile? it lights up the whole room. arthur, vivian, this is francie. francie, this is mrs. cavender, dr. harmon. name one. francie, this is a party. there's no time for games. i mean, this is a very, very important occasion. st. valentine's day. it's a moment when people open their heart

now, just a minute there, maudie. this is not an occasion to discuss politics or the issues of the day. this visit is purely patriotic. patri--patriotic thur, he is here to publicize his new movie so it'll make more money. what could be more patriotic than that? remember, maudie, what's good for john wayne is good for america! ( cheering ) i don't believe this! i do not believe it. have you all lost your sense of values? ( stutters ) a movie star is a movie star. john wayne is no different from donald duck, except he's not quite as good an actor. o intention of standing around here, mooning over some celebrity like the rest of you. i am the only one here who is behaving in a calm, sane, rational manner... ( uproarious audience applause ) ...good-bye. who's arthur harmon? i am. the way the world's going today, lady, i believe ya. i'm the real arthur harmon. she's a woman. howdy. howdy, hi. hello, folks. ( all yell at once ) hey...cohen's cowboy corral, right? right. uh, the guns-- the guns came with it. oh, great. well

no, not quite, maudie. tax-wise-- sten! just because you had four honeymoons-- now, just a minute, vivian! don't you scream at me because that nitwit husband of yours-- hold it! pay no attention, vivian! just because maudie marries for quantity instead of quality-- hold it! arthur, just because your marriage is breaking up, don't try to break up mine! and to think i once considered you my best friend! i am your best friend, vivian, but that's just because i am your only friend! that's telling her, maude! listen to me! my husband is no nitwit! oh? and what would you call a man who constantly goes out with girls who look like telly savalas? no! take that back, you fire hydrant! what? you heard me! vivian: mm-hmm, hmm. well, then you're built like the kind of animal that would use one! oh yeah?! yeah! ( everybody screaming ) pay no attention. pay no attention. just consider the source. vivian: oh, go swallow a volkswagen! your mouth's big enough for it! that does it! oh. good lord. what are we trying to do to each other? ( viv

that's a good one, maudie! which reminds me. hey, fellas, come here. did you hear what happened to the italian gold swimmer that won at the olympics? he became a street walker in venice. ( all laugh ) you get it, a street walker with a waterway? arthur, i heard a good one the other day. uh, yoo-hoo! ? walter ? yoohoo! ? maude ? uh, walter. walter, remember in the bedroom? bedroom. are you kiddin'? harvey: oh, maude. the missus and i brought you little something ,too. oh, well, thank you, harvey. oh, what is it? i love it. look, a minicomputer. maude, you don't understand about minicomputers. it multiplies... ...divides, subtracts, adds up into the thousands... ...adds, divides and has numbers into the thousands... ...all in a matter of seconds. ... all in a split second. thank you, walter. uh, thank you, vivian, but i don't need a computer for that. it's your age minus two. this is fun, you know. oh, mother, i can use that to balance my bank statements. or the household groceries. oh, it's a great gadget for the business man, chris. excuse me, sweethea

vivi has a marvelous nse hor don't you thinso, maudie? ( one rings ) saved by the bell. ( rings ) hello? oh, hello, gra lien--noac't-- can'lk tu no ( rings ) i know, . l th tnghangup. i know, grace. you knowfe full of irony. i mean, here i am, wife of the year ar theug aur, yo e o, an gond it's be e laof theand. i secthink ma get t se yeah, wh?- about executives, arthur toggrava maude anymore h that i'm very prd of her, s equality, too, 100 what the equal rights amendment says. i'll tell yo what it says. "equality of rights under the law "shall not be denied or abridged by the united st any state on account of sex." th's it. woment to li-- will you stop that? nt to be equa mother, mother! ...law that women don't want to be second-class citizens! maude! ( others yelling at once ) walter, how can i fix your tie with theyoonloor? oh, let me alone, wear your snap-on. ( gaing ) ha. that ought to scare the termites out of the house. ha ha ha ha ha. ( doorbell rings ) co i'm coming. well, where have you been? jeez, lady, i had to deliver five tu

come on, sit down over here, maudie. now, listen, i know all the things that you're worried about-- fuzz on the face, fat farm fantasies, the ugly duckling syndrome-- nothing but old wives' tales. a hysterectomy is a simple operation. as a "south-of-the-border tonsillectomy." that's hilarious, arthur. uh, look, arthur, arthur, i heard what you said about old wives' tales. i mean about... you know, when i-- i mean, you know, walter and i... well, you know, it takes two to tango. oh, you'll be able to dance. that's not what i mean!!! oh? oh! oh, maudie, i can't emphasize too strongly not to worry. nowadays, with pills and hormones, you'll be like a new woman, a classic-- like a 1928 packard with a rebuilt engine. a 1928 packard. you know, arthur, my father had a '28 packard. you know where he kept it? in the garage, up on blocks. maude. arthur... fine. all you have to do is prove to her that you will love her as much after the operation as you do now. and you will, walter. nothing's gonna change. thanks, arthur. okay. good

maudie findlay, this is dr. jamison, oh... the director of the gallbladder foundation. tell him what a great show we've got. he's a little nervous about the show. oh, doc, that's show biz, opening-night jitters. but like gallstones, this too shall pass. mrs. findlay, are we going to have "big stars?" of course we are! to begin with, we've got euell gibbons. oh, arthur, honey, i'm sorry. euell couldn't make it. no, he's back home in minnesota with a severe case of poison oak. got hold of a bad tree. ( inaudible ) yeah, but let me tell you who we will have, i mean a really top entertainer. are you ready? star of stage, screen and television-- mark spitz. g to drink a glass of milk on this very stage. you can thank me for that. mark owed me a favor. i gave his manager a double-discount on a hernia. "a double-discount," doctor? it was a double-hernia, doctor. oh. walter? excuse me, have you seen--oh, maude oh, maude--maude, i'm so nervous. i don't know how dina shore does it day after day. i could never be a big television star. i'm glad you feel that way, vivian. dina was

walter, it's all over... ( continues yelling ) it's all right, maudie. i've seen this happen to soldiers who still thought they were in the combat zone. me, cheap?! cheap! cheap! settle down, fella. the war's over. we're going back to the states. you're gonna see nell and the twins and the old homestead-- oh, shut up, arthur! see, it worked. ( car honks ) that sounds like my car. that could either be vivian or a car thief. if i don't hear a crash, it's not vivian. ( screeches, crashes ) thank goodness, it wasn't stolen! oh, sorry, maude. y time i think of miserable marta, i get all steamed up. oh, come on, now, walter, if she was so miserable, how come you stayed married to her for 11 years? well, frankly, maude, she was the sexiest woman i ever met. the second sexiest. uh, she was avis to your hertz. ( doorbell rings ) you think about that, walter. and if you wanna stay in the driver's seat, the answer better be hertz. uncle henry! walter: uncle henry! surprise! uncle henr-- oh... oh, it is just like you hello, walter. to pop in out of the blue. walter:

oh, hi, maudie. sure, didn't he tell you? see, this business acquaintance of his offered him the use of this neat cabin. thanks a lot, arthur. o use it, good old walter passed the key along to me. thanks. wait a minute, maude. now wait a minute. now let me explain. look, about that key-- you know what you can do with that key walter? ( snap ) just like that. wait, look. you can do the exact same thing with that stethoscope of yours, arthur. wait a minute, walter. i don't understand. why are you attacking my stethoscope? because you have a big mouth! now look, maude and i are going along with you two ld it. hold it. now wait a minute, walter, heh, heh. i'm not at all sure how vivian would feel about that. i couldn't care less. if she's unhappy, we'll go alone! forget it, walter. in the mood you're in, i wouldn't go anywhere with you alone! maude? i have something very important to do. but, maude. wait, this is something that can't wait. yes, i'm calling on behalf of ma and pa findlay. come on, maude. all right now, you wanted

well, it's up to you to make the first move, maudie. after all, walter warned you that he'd walk out if you accepted that bid to run for the state senate. arthur! arthur quincy harmon. maude has spent all her 49 years being a housewife and mother. right, maude? right, viv. and although she's loved doing it, now she has the chance to stretch herself, to test her abilities for the very first time, to run for the state senate! and this may be her very last chance, arthur! when you're as old as maude-- time! oh, maude, i'm sorry. all right. now, come on, maude. for the sake of your marriage, you've got to face walter. oh, but vivian, i can't. but you promised me, as your best friend, that you would come to this place, and ring that doorbell, and say to walter, "i love you. please, accept me the way i am." "i love you. please, accept me the way i am." now, maude, come on. ( sighs ) ring that door bell. you do not break a promise to your best friend. oh. you're right, vivian. ( vivian sighs ) ( sighs ) i love you! please, accept me the way i

maudie. those people that told you you were too young? they're all dead. nothing is going to spoil this day for me. not even you. carol, would you fix the bow in my hair? ? da dum da da da da dum ? mother, you're too much. you're acting like an 18-year-old at her first wedding. oh, carol, that's because in my heart i feel eighteen. even if that heart is beating in a 45-year-old body. maude, the body's forty-eight. oh, forty-five, forty-eight-- what difference 's my wedding ring. guard it with your life. phillip, you look beautiful! you look funny. hey, vivian, look at this ring. it's almost exactly like yours. yes, except i'll bet hers isn't a hand-me-down. i don't see anything so terrible about you wearing the ring that i bought for agnes. may her soul rest in peace. ( doorbell ) good morning. what can i do for you, sir? oh, i'm the, uh... for the, uh... oh! the minister for the wedding! come right in! now, this is mrs. harmon. hello. and this is dr. harmon. arthur harmon! you son-of-a-gun! reverend! vivian: you two know each other? right, arthur? and how

maudie, stop laughing and put vivian on the wire. ( both laughing ) it's arthur. arthur? huh? what? ( laughs hysterically ) what? what? what? the hanging judge! oh, arthur, you're such a card! huh? slap yourself! she...she hung up. probably to slap herself. all right, laurel and hardy, let's go, in you go. how dare you call us laurel and hardy! i am a prominent doctor, and he's... this is another fine mess you've gotten us into. walter, don't you see what's happening? nobody will listen to us! we're nameless, faceless nobodies! you idiot, that's what we've been trying to tell you all along. that's right, sweetheart. let us out of here! yocan't keep us behind bars! we're not animals! we're laurel and hardy! a-a-a free operation-- tonsils, appendix... a hair transplant! is that a bribe? yes! no. arthur, arthur, please. this isn't going to help. don't panic! i've got more reason to be panicky than you have, walter. i'm a prominent physician. i got a wonderful practice, a wife who loves me. de. if you were in your right mind, i'd punch you right in the nose. sure, kick a man when he's d