captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, trouble in wisconsin. somebody snuck in a vegetable. then some of baseball's cherished records are threatened. don't worry, barry bonds, your head size record is still safe. and my guest anthony bourdain travels the country in search of the best food. i'll ask him which country has the best olive garden. cargill has recalled ground turkey. personally, i don't know why anybody would buy ground turkey taint. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. [audience chanting "stephen"] [cheering and applause] thank you so much. thank you. thank you. that sound of your chanting is so soothing it's like putting a seashell up to your ear into which you have stuffed your own ego. [laughter] nation, it's barack obama's 50th birthday. [cheering and applause] [laughter] that's right. it's that time of year again, folks, when the president tries to convince us he was bo

realize this is just the first step in a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org clubhouses have resorted to allowing girls. [laughter] and my guest, al hunt, is a 42-year veteran of washington journalism. i'll ask him if he thinks brangelina has a baby bump.?;ñ [laughter] a woman was arrested turning tricks out of a donut shop -- the perfect place to avoid detection by the cops. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. [crowd chanting stephen repeatedly] [cheers and applause] thanks so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, the 2012 election is upon us, and i love a good horse race. i like to go with the candidate who looks like he's been gelded. [laughter] that's why i'm saddling up newt gingrich. i really think he's the guy. and though some of the members of the lame-scream-meania -- [laughter] -- have counted him out, newt knows he'

that three-letter word called jobs, whicaptioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, an old game gets an update for today's kids. it's now high fructose corn syrup land. [laughter] then new government health guidelines for women. dudes, just continue treating whatever you have with talcum powder. then my guest is robert wittman, an art crime investigator. good, i want to take out a restraining order on the mona lisa. her eyes keep following me around the room. god said i shall have no gods before me, so don't spoil your appetite with vishnu poppers. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. nation, please, we have to... [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you very much. very kind. and in return, let me say, dos vidana. nation, as everyone knows, i am the world's biggest fan of spider-man. what's that, nerds? you're a bigger fan than i am? really? well then here's a spidey

involving guns dropped 5 to 2% the last captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. welcome to the report, everybody. it is so-- (cheers and applause) it is so good to have you with us. folks-- (cheers and applause) thank you very much. welcome to the great american scream machine. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, there is a lot of news out there and we will get to all of it, i promise you. but first i have to start by issuing a rare apology. it goes out-- i know, i know. it goes out to the team at abc channel 5 woi des moines news lieder. last week i attacked woi when their general manager ray cole refused to air our colbert report superpac ads. you have [bleep] with the wrong people! colbert superpac is 165,000 strong, baby, here us roar. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i happen to foe you

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioned by mediagbh.org >>> on television, online, on the go. and now free on ipad, cbs news. how the credit downgrade has some holding tighter to the wallets...and others inspired to spend. >>> nervous buyers were an eye on international markets, how the credit down grade has some holding tighter to their wallets than they are inspired to spend. >> i thought that last one said "let it be." >> waiting for the word. how ed lee continues to dodge the question, will he run for mayor? and the battle for water in san francisco and says some out of towners aren't playing fair in the pedicab business. ,,

[cheering and applause] comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org deacon: in high school, everyone's got that one magic moment when all the fears and insecurities of being a teenager just vanish, and you're on top of the world. it's like the planets have aligned or something, and everything you touch just turns to gold. and then, there's this other moment. [♪] man: get in there. follow those plans. that's right. [boys sobbing] i'll never touch myself again, i swear! it's all a big... please, no! mommy! mommy!

realize this is just the first step in a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupt wgbh access.wgbh.org clubhouses have resorted to allowing girls. [laughter] and my guest, al hunt, is a 42-year veteran of washington journalism. i'll ask him if he thinks brangelina has a baby bump.?;ñ [laughter] a woman was arrested turning tricks out of a donut shop -- the perfect place to avoid detection by the cops. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. [crowd chanting stephen repeatedly] [cheers and applause] thanks so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, the 2012 election is upon us, and i love a good horse race. i like to go with the candidate who looks like he's been gelded. [laughter] that's why i'm saddling up

[cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org pw

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, record temperatures sweep the heartland. if you can't stand the heat, go in the kitchen, get a nice cold drink. (laughter) can the internet make us better human beings? judging from youtube comments py guest tonight are legendary rockers the cars. at today's gas prices, i don't want to foe what this is costing me. captain morgan's ship has been found. if it's anything like the drink, it doesn't know what happened to it, either. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you very much. folks, thank you very much, folks. folks, i know it's been hot this summer but i refuse to buy into the myth of global warming. it's just another big media lie, like that so-called finale of friends. (laughter) i know gang's still out there, nbc. show me what they're doing! (cheers and applause) are they happy? but once again the media's trying to convince us that this summer has been extra hot by throwing around fake temperatures. >> the cu

realize this is just the first step in a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupt wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) very kind. thank you so much. thank you. welcome, please, you're too kind, ladies and gentlemen, please. folks, i want to thank you, in here, i want to welcome you out there. we've already had a very

[cheering and applause] >> stephen: that's it for "thecy comedy central captioned by media access groupt wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheering, music playing in distance ) ( cheering ) ( drunken singing ) ( singing incoherently ) get of the way! get out--move! come on. ( groans ) come on, man. get up, get up. come on. ( police sirens wailing ) ( horn honks ) suspect out of the way. heading toward exchange. hey! move it! out of the way! ( siren wailing ) ( muttering ) hey, hold it! whoo!

realize this is just the first step in a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupbh access.wgbh.org >>

. >> (laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the latest on last week's iowa straw poll. it is now an empty dirt field full of raccoons. then anderson cooper loses his composure, it's the worse journalistic gaffe since wa

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgcaptioning [man laughs] i'd like to show you how smart he is. let's have some fun and play animal quiz with michael. come on, michael. [laughs] you see what a good trainer i am. oh, there he comes. [laughs] i got the wrong end. goats are distinguished by a narrow head, a bearded chin, in the male, a short upturned tail. it's been called the poor man's cow because it yields more milk for its size... jesus christ! god...! [laughs] it's all right. ostriches are pretty funny birds. they can't fly, but they like to dance. [laughs] and they don't really bury their heads in the sand, but they do eat stones and shirts.

[cheering and applause] >> stephen: that's it for "thecy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [shrieking] [a

[cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhccess.wgbh.org ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ ♪ (drill whirring) (kids grunting and laughing) i got one! okay, kids. put away the dust motes till tomorrow. it's story time. oh, boy! yay! ooh! today's storyteller is a space captain who grew up right here at the orphanarium. welcome back the bed-wetter of building d, turanga leela. hi, kids. what book would you like me to read first? we don't got books no more. what? he means "anymore." look, sometimes you got to choose between eating and reading, so they ate the books.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( groaning ( groaning ) oh, honey, you don't look so good. you should stay home from brunch. are you sure? mmm. i really want to go. you stay and rest. you can see grandma when we get back. you can see grandma when we get back. ( door opens, closes )

that three-letter word called jobs, whicaptioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupgbh access.wgbh.org

@@h captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> august 8, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. our guest mark adams will be here. a new book on machu picchu. awfully a lot of fun to say. machu picchu. we begin tonight with a more modern civilization and its mysterious decline. >> standard and poors one of the agency's, has dropped the u.s. from a triple-a rating down to a double-a-plus rating. >> jon: all right. i mean from triple-a to double-a -plus doesn't sound that bad. if you were going to rent the triple-x movie you got home and found out that the movie was just double-x-plus, are you going to worry that there was not quite enough (beep) and sucking to fill up the approximately four minutes you're going to watch it? i mean, six minutes. ladies? and by the way, the ratings agency is standard and poors. who is going to listen to a company whose name transl

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ two. two, three... ♪ ♪ good news, everyone. remember when you asked to see my family tree? all: no. ta-da! (whirring) this is my ancestor philo farnsworth, inventor of television, and as a bonus, childhood obesity. and here's dean farnsworth, developer of the farnsworth test for colorblindness.

. >> (laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the latest on last week's iowa straw poll. it is now an empty dirt field full of raccoons. then anderson cooper loses his composure, it's the worse journalistic gaffe since walter cronkite covered the moon landing topless. and my guest is kevin mitnick. i'll ask him how to set up my goddamn wireless printer. it's my last blog cast for two weeks-- broadcast for two weeks but i promise to give you one last great show before i go. this-- just roll it captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you so much. i'm going to say i had to all of nerddom that may be watching tonight. nation, i got to tell you, that applause really brings me such, such comfort. because i got to tell you, i'm blue. (laughter) maybe i

let us know atcaptioning sponsoy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, does god need to improve his image? after 6,000 years he could probably use a little freshen up. [laughter] then, campaign fundraisers have a new secret weapon: not being newt gingrich. [laughter] and my guest elliot ackerman has a website that matches voters with candidates who share their values. ugh, they're never as fiscally conservative as their picture. [laughter] chad ochocinco says he'll live with a fan for three weeks. wow, those nfl contract negotiations did not go well. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen"] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, good to have you with us. nation, the dow lost 519 points today. it's the single biggest drop since two days ago. [laughter] everybody's trying to make sense of the markets. luckily, the new york post explained it all with today's cov

. >> (laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the latest on last week's iowa straw poll. it is now an empty dirt field full of raccoons. then anderson cooper loses his composure, it's the worse journalistic gaffe since walter cronkite covered the moon landing topless. and my guest is kevin mitnick. i'll ask him how to set up my goddamn wireless printer. it's my last blog cast for two weeks-- broadcast for two weeks but i promise to give you one last great show before i go. this-- just roll it captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you so much. i'm going to say i had to all of nerddom that may

realize this is just the first step in a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) very kind. thank you so much. thank you. welcome, please, you're too kind, ladies and gentlemen, please. folks, i want to thank you, in here, i want to welcome you out there. we've already had a very intimate evening here in the studio. (laughter) >> stephen: nation-- (laughter) >> stephen: i shared a few things. (laughter) nation, this is a very big week for republican presidential candidates. tonight there is the debate in iowa that will feature all the major players andtism pawlenty. (laughter) >> stephen: then saturday, of course, is the straw poll in ames, a crucial test to see if candidates can get midwesterners to put down a food plate long enough to mark a ballot but the big news today came from the iowa state fair in des moines where in an attempt to peel to more voters ron paul had himself batte

[cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhh.org man: come out, come out, wherever you are! where is that little joker? breathe deep, mrs. dunne. that's it. that's it. push. push, that's it. keep pushing, you're doing great, mrs. dunne. you're doing great. okay, that's it. there's the head, i can see it now. okay, congratulations... it's a... - ( woman groans ) - doctor: okay, it went back in. i think he'll be good at hide and seek, mrs. dunne. ( panting ) okay. ( chuckles ) - well, you got yourself a shy one here. - ( groaning ) okay, come on out, you little bastard. - ( crunches ) - ow! he bit me!

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgcaptioningorning. morning. morning. morning, everybody. morning. morning, guys. - michael. - what? what's up? - keep quiet. showalter's sleeping in there. - he is? - yeah. - [whispering] hey, show... [loudly] show! - jesus. what? - what are you doing here, man? i thought you were moving into your new place. - mm-mm, no, there was a screwup with the lease, so i'm just gonna stay here for a week, and then i'm gonna move in. - hey, why don't you stay with me and my fiancee? our futon's big enough for three. - thanks, no. i'm fine here, really. - hey, kumail, if he's gonna stay with anybody, he's gonna stay with his best bud. - that's okay; i actually like sleeping on the couch. i sleep like a little kitty cat. - michael, i know martha and the kids would love to have you. i insist. - seriously, it's fine. - well, michael, you know, i don't understand why you wouldn't rather have your own room and your own bathroom instead of sleeping here in the office on the scuzzy couch that i whack off on. obviou

involving guns dropped 5 to 2% the last captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, record temperatures sweep the heartland. if you can't stand the heat, go in the kitchen, get a nice cold drink. (laughter) can the internet make us better human beings? judging from youtube comments

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( birds chirping, traffic noise ) ( dog panting ) ( exhales ) ( music playing ) man: oh, mistress, spank my bottom. spank it really hard. please spank my bottom! mm, that is unpleasant. woman: ah, lick my nipples. no, thank you, pregnant lady. man #2: strip, soldier! you're gonna find out why they call me the drill sergeant. ♪ oh, yeah ♪ oh, yeah ♪ oh, yeah ♪ the moon ♪ beautiful ♪ the sun ♪ even more beautiful

let us know atcaptioning sponsoy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

let us know atcaptioning sponsoy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgnsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, does god need to improve his image? after 6,000 years he could probably use a little freshen up. [laughter] then, campaign fundraisers have a new secret weapon: not being newt gingrich. [laughter] and my guest elliot ackerman has a website that matches voters with candidates who share their values. ugh, they're never as fiscally conservative as their picture. [laughter] chad ochocinco says he'll live with a fan for three weeks. wow, those nfl contract negotiations did not go well. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen"] [cheers and applause]

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org late news from washingtont a compromise has been reached to avert a government default in two days. we're live in wash cbs5.com cbs5.com. >>> a deal is done late news from washington that a compromises that within reached. we're live in washington. >>> we're down to the wire on the debt ceiling debate it seems like everybody in america is aware of the problem but not everyone's happy with the solution. >>> and a final verdict, a decision expected this week that could mean freedom for two graduates jailed for two years in iran. cbs 5 eyewitness news is next ,,

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ chappelle'show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show

. >> (laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, rick perry becomes the republican front-runner. of course they're letting him run in front-- he's the one with the gun. [laughter] then, did adam and eve really exist? or have i been leaving out a plate of cookies every arbor day for nothing? [laughter] and my guest tonight is actor jeff bridges, performing music from his new album. it's all the songs they cut from "tron." [laughter] 152 people set the world record for biggest group shower. afterwards, they set another record for the longest awkward silence. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." [ captioning sponsored by comedy central "the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] thank you very much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you very much. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. i'eç gj t to say hi to everybodyp

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( birdsing, traffic noise ) ( dog panting )

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org