captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight a new justification for waterboarding. now it's brita filtered. then seattle cops pepper spray the elderly. hey, it's just nice that someone visited. and my guest chris matthews has a new book about john f. kennedy, although i have a theory there was a second author. north korea is opening to tourists. you'll come for the kimchi. you'll stay because you can't leave. this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, so much. report to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. nation, it's wednesday. and that means it's time for a new g.o.p. front-runner. ( laughter ) jim. >> once given up for political roadkill newt gingrich killing them all. in the latest polling he is the front-runner. >> there is a p.p.p. poll showing newt gingrich, 38, mitt romney 18. >> stephen: it makes sense

medy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight, how the super committee cut the deficit? if you have an answer, please forward it to the super committee. and my guest susan orlean has written a biography of rin tin tin. halfway through the interview i will get distracted by a squirrel. in honor of thanksgiving, i am doing the whole show with my pants unbuttoned. this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. please, enough. here organization heroes, all. nation, you know if you watch this show that i have always respected "people" magazine. ( laughter ) as a reliable news source. never forget-- they were the only ones to break the story of richard gere's sin mop-- cinnamon rolls. but now the old glossy, multicolored lady has done the unthinkable. in their annual sexiest

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org media access groupccess.wgbh.org pressure tests on a pipelin. what went wrong and the impt on traffic... >>> breaking news on the peninsula, an explosion, the result of pressure tests on a pipeline. what went wrong and an impact on traffic. >>> i heard some screaming, the screaming got loud. >> a bay area nurse attacked by a patient. >>> the rising death toll tonight from a smokey fire. "cbs5 eyewitness news" is next. ,,

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that's all captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much for joining us. we've got to get to the thing... we've got enormous news today, folks. we're all getting sick of the occupy wieters. it's been two months, we get it. income inequality down 1%, 99 red balloons go by. enough, enough. thankfully in the last few days occupy encampments have been decamped in portland, denver, oakland and last night in new york's zucotti park, occupy's birthplace. protestors were removed by says tarn. (laughter) now, my fellow 1%er new york mayor michael bloomberg had to take action. >> from the beginning i've said that the city has two principle goals: guaranteeing public health and safety and guaranteeing the protesters' first amendment rights. but when those two goals clash, the health and safety of the public and our first responders must be the priority. >> stephen: yes, to protect everyone's health and safety they sent in this guy. (laug

we go custom yachts, i gave you a shout captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupt wgbh access.wgbh.org - lemon. - i just got my bridesmaid's dress for cerie's wedding. it is a vietnamese size two. - dressing up isn't any easier for men. do you know what it's like when a younger man shows up

that's all captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. you know what, folks? you know what, folks? i probably shouldn't admit this but hearing you chant my name like that is... well, it's sweeter than mother's milk to me. (laughter) (cheers and applause) nation, thank you. let's get straight to the huge news out of arizona, herman cain held a press conference this evening to address the sexual harassment charges from numerous women coming out of the woodwork. incidentally, i believe his woodwork coming out is one of the thing he's accused of. they've all been anonymous and the latest anonymous woman is sharon bialek. and her accusations are both graphic and specific but don't tell me what they are because i've tivoed them. (laughter) now, cain's press conference was opened by his lawyer who made a lengthy introduction then finally cain took the podium-- admittedly w

is not that i wouldn't love to sit down captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight how do we save the greek economy? well, for starters they could stop doing this. (laughter) then an update on the herman cain sexual harassment scandal. sometimes the eyes say yes but the mouth says nine, nine, nine. plus my guest dr. nathan wolfe says we live in the age of pandemic. better than dying in the age of pandemics. a new report says new york city has shrunk more than two square miles. hey, come on, it's cold outside. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) whooo! whooo! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much. thank you. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i know when news breaks your first reaction is how is stephen going to handle this one. (laughter) so let's get right to the

we go custom yachts, i gave you a shout captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupt wgbh access.wgbh.org [exciting instrumental music] ♪ excuse me. there's a line, buddy. there's two lines. no, no, there's one line. we're in it. i'm just getting a hot dog. we're all getting hot dogs. what, you think there's two lines and we're all in this line-- you're the only genius that got in the other line? can you believe this guy? don't line up behind him. he cheated you. hey, shut up. what do you want on yours, baby? i want all the hot dogs, please. yeah, i'm--i'm buying all the hot dogs. oh, come on, lady. [customers shouting angrily] and i'm giving them to the good people. [upbeat '60s-style pop music] ♪ who's that ♪ kicking it down the street ♪ causin' a stir ♪ who's that ♪ i know that you're wondrin' that's her ♪ ♪ that's her, that's her, that's her, that's her ♪ ♪ who's got the kind of charisma that ♪

we go custom yachts, i gave you a shout captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupt wgbh access.wgbh.org

. >> i thanked god on my captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight mitt romney launches a new attack on president obama, how will republican voters not respond this time. then cnn unveils a new approach to journalism. john king's touch-screen now touches him back. and my guest siddhartha mukherjee is a pulitzer prize winning cancer researcher. i'm going to ask him about this mole on my back. a recent study claims women think about sex ten times a day. but i don't buy it. my show is only on four times a day. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central stephen, stephen, stephen. >> thank you, welcome to the report, great to you have with us, folks. i'll be with you in a moment. thank you so much. i'll be with you in just a minute. i'm just finishing some on-line holiday shopping, the nice deal on a kindl fire. that will make a great coaster for my ipad. there, and done. with christmas. okay. of course, folks, today is cybermonday, when everybody mobs the on-line stores for the big

economic times people crave that escape to captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupt wgbh access.wgbh.org

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whooo! whooo! whooo! thank you. welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. please. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: you folks, you folks are so good at that. it's like you practiced it two minutes ago. nation, the last american troops will withdraw from iraq by year's end. i tell them to shut off the lights on the way out but i'm pretty sure baghdad still doesn't have electricity. folks, i am glad we are bringing those troops back home. we need to deploy them where they are needed. australia. (laughter) you see next week president obama will announce a permanent u.s. military presence in australia. and i'm do excited. i had no idea invading australia was even on the take. (laughter) or as it's known down there, the barbie. you hear that you dijierie-dope. you're australian for bloep bloep, god, god, i hope, i just pray that obama c

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. great to have you with us. please, we've got to get to the news. it's too good. folks. frequent shoppers of this show know that i was an early fan of rick perry. and my man's had a rough start. and a pretty bad restart. but now he's ready to re-restart with this great new ad. >> his dad was a tenant farmer. his wife, a nurse. rick perry served in the air force, then came home to farm cotton. a solid conservative, perry's balanced every budget, passedajor lawsuit reform, cut 15 billion in spending. the result: one million new jobs. rick perry conservative leadership that work its. >> make us great again is responsible for the content of this ad. >> stephen: wow! (laughter) i mean who's to the going to like rick perry after that. i'm pretty sure that old lady there i

. >> i thanked god on my captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight mitt romney launches a new attack on president obama, how will republican voters not respond this time. then cnn unveils a new approach to journalism. john king's touch-screen now touches him back. and my guest siddhartha mukherjee is a pulitzer prize winning cancer researcher. i'm going to ask him about this mole on my back. a recent study claims women think about sex ten times a day. but i don't buy it. my show is only on four times a day. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central stephen, stephen, stephen. >> thank you, welcome to the report, great to you have with us, folks. i'll be with you in a moment. thank you so much. i'll be with you in just a minute. i'm just finishing some on-line holiday shopping, the nice deal on a kindl fire. that will make a great coaster for my ipad. there, and done. with christmas. okay. of course, folks, today is cybermonday, when everybody mobs the on-line stores for the big

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org(r >> november 7, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we got a good show for you tonight. i'm excited. mr. clint eastwood is going to be here. we have a good one for you. clint eastwood will be here. we'll swap stories about being iconic bad asses or at least one of us. then i'll just sit there and go, you're swell. as many of you know an awful lot of republican voters view mitt romney as the great white note and have therefore struggled desperately for viable alternative to mitt romney even going so far to pretend it might be michele bachmann. recently herman cain emerged as the leading alternative to the schnook of mormon. today sharon bialek accused cain of offering her a job in return for oral sex back in the '90s. a serious charge somewhat undercut by her unfortunately chosen lawyer and location, the friar's club. >> she reached out to mr. cain for help

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org look, honey...m ] i thought i heard reindeer. mom... i mean, mrs. nelson, i have the perfect gift for you. he must've gotten my letter. ♪ oh...santa. [ male announcer ] levian jewelry featuring levian chocolate diamonds at kay jewelers. levian. one more reason kay... is the number one jewelry store in america. these are for me, right? ♪ every kiss begins with kay >>> this is 9news now. >> intelligent, promising future. just taken away too soon. >> nobody deserves to die like that. >>> shocked, sad and hurt. reacting to the killing of a co-ed. another student charged with her murder. >> i'm bruce johnson. thank you for staying with us. a female college student is stabbed to death, a second female was charge with the sleigh slaying tonight. they were at an off-campus party before the attack. >> reporter: you can see and hear the sorrow in the united voices under god's dominion course. >> it is undescribable. you never imagine that you'll be in college and you have to bury a friend. >> reporter: the st

in the movie g.i.jane demi moore captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight is the environmental movement dead t is if it lives on a coral reef, i introduce a new form of substance abuse so frightening will you want to take a xanax. and my guest took months to build a toaster from scratch. his bed & breakfast should be open in the year 2021. the new italian prime minister has passed austerity measures. es a he going to cut back to one bunga. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. good to you have with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to our continuing coverage of no shave november. i want you to know after that warm greeting, not only are you welcome here, you are first here. nation-- (applause) it's no surprise i am addicted to all the republican presidential candidates. they are like crack, i

> stephen: that's it for the report, ev captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupwgbh access.wgbh.org trying in jeans is my favorite thing. maybe later i can get a pap smear from an old male doctor. - oh, come on, liz, this store is cool.

economic times ople crave that escape to captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) snup welcome to the "report," everybody. (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") >> good to have you with us, america! or should i say ghoul to have you with us ascareica! nation, i love... thank you. nation, i love halloween. every year i sit on my porch with a big bowl of candy and a rake and i tell the kids if they want a treat they have to work for it. no free rides, a rapunzel. oh, and cut your hair, hippy. (laughter) folks, every year i am appalled by the latest debasing costumes for women. like sexy pirate, sexy bunny or sexy ketchup. (laughter) oh, it's okay to sell this but when i hold her upside down and whack her on the bottom i'm the one who gets tased! come on! (cheers and applause) costume makers, how dare you single out women for this kind of objectification. especially when we guys would love to get slutty. come on! what am i hitting the gym for if my franken sometime costume

in the movie g.i.jane demi moore captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupccess.wgbh.org

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org now, robot, kick 'em in the knees. bears have weak knees. and you should vibrate, 'cause the robot's full of radiation. yeah, that's it. frank. how many bears did i say you could have? one. and how many do you see here? um, four? save a little money for the rest of us, frank. you can't spend a bunch of money on bear suits that are only gonna be seen for, like, 25 seconds. liz, nobody's gonna believe that a killer robot can get his ass kicked by one bear. it doesn't make any sense. you're trying to bring logic to the robot-bear sketch? you can't have four bears. well, how many can i keep? one! sorry, guys. uh, who did my sudoku puzzle? i have been looking forward to this puzzle all morning. hey, liz, could you come up to my office when you have a free moment? i never have a free moment, jack. never, ever. really punch him. like karate. are you familiar with the japanese art of reiki? no. it is the laying-on of hands in order to improve one's life. hm, how does your life improve? do the hands have