(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh at wgbh access.wgbh.org frank: dennis, stop acting like a child. dennis: i don't want to hear it, dad. deandra, move the pool table so you and your brother can lay some grout. i am not laying grout. - you guys are being babies. - babies. sweer dee: oh, we're being babies, mac? why don't you go work for your dad all day? my dad's a meth dealer. oh, no! my daddy's in prison. my daddy used to give hotshots to prostitutes. feel sorry for me. i got the grout. dad, you're not even listening to us. are you really leaving? yes. - later, bitches. - yeah, have a good life, now. all right, look. i know what you're doing. i can play this game. mac and me and charlie can run the bar. - great. - great. terrific. that's a good idea. we got better things to do. please. what are you two gonna do? dee and i have a little something we like to call goals, okay? - weird, right? - we have aspirations outside of this bar. we got big dreams, mac. we're gonna go follow them. you guys have nothing without this

(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh t wgbh access.wgbh.org why is there hair everywhere? did you shave in the kitchen? the water in here is softer. look at this ski-jumping idiot, bode miller. what kind of a fruity name is bode? that cereal has the olympics on it? it must be eight months old. when you and me have kids, we're gonna give them good names, like shannon or rick. when we what? when we have kids, dummy. come on. yeah, i gotta go. uh... are you gonna be home later? i gotta talk to you about something. i'll be right here. look at this maze. it's so easy. you have to go in here, and out there. be home early, okay? come here, sweetheart. oh, dennis. i just did my hair. oh, that's my girl. there you go. bye. now make sure you drink plenty of fluids, and get something to eat. don't do anything strenuous tonight. don't hit the clubs. no, i'm going straight home, actually. i'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight. i can't take it anymore. hmm, 35, single, no children. three sexual partners in the last ten years. i don

you cia intelligence gatherers and than captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, have attack ads gone too far? some say yes while others hate america. (laughter) then would got approve of cutting aid to the poor? of course! it will just make more meek to inherit the earth. and my guest carne ross says democracy does not work anymore. clearly, he's never seen "american idol." (laughter) the t.s.a. says explosives may be hidden in fake breasts. be on the lookout for mullah achmed mo-homina homina homina homina. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> dave: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "report." thank you so much. folks, you know, the general election hasn't even officially kicked off but today barack obama used taxpayer dollars to campaign in a key swing state-- afghanistan. (laughter) we've been fighting there for so long i believe they now

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central show". my name is jon stewart. we got one tonight. our guest tonight ambassador ivo daalder which i'm assuming is just another sasha baron cohen character so. we're excited about -- actually the ambassador to nato. maybe he will bomb us. [ laughter ] tonight we begin some place very special. [ laughter ] submitted for your approval a small town near virginia maryland border. meet joe a simple fellow who speaks from his heart. his honesty is about to trap him in a terible place a place where straightforward sentiment is three days of (bleep). a place we call washington, d.c. [ laughter ] [twilight zone music playing] [ laughter ] i probably should have gone with like zone or vortex would have made more sense. anyway, last sunday vice president biden made an appearance on "meet the press" and was asked about gay marriage. >> i am absolutely comfortab

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> may 30, 2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" wall street with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show." my name is jon stewart. what a show tonight, dan rather, the legendary newsman dan rather is here. let's begin tonight with the big news in politics. >> this is a fox news alert. governor romney winning the texas primary and securing enough delegate delegates to bee g.o.p. nominee. >> jon: it is official after 28 years, $2 trillion, and three unsolved murders later, wilbeerdink cummerbund romney will be the republican presidential mom network or rom-in-ey. you want to use that? you want to use rom-in-ey? lawyer up. you want to use, that lawyer up. my lawyer from the firm ( bleep ) you and pay me. i guess that's it. the coney island mermaid's parade that was the republican primaries is done. we're left with five months of obama v. romney. yup. ( laughter ) five months of johnny pregnant pause... >> for y

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioned by mediacess group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>> and others ceo >>> it was impossible without meaning all " and many everything >>> from the president to the pulpit and parishioners african- american jurors res,,

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioned by mediaup at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> you are watching cbs 5 i would this news in high- definition. >> a cbs 5 exclusive new video showing protesters trashing in san fransisco police station. >> accused of stealing a celebrity chef weber guinea. what else was discovered in a storage facility that makes the a teenaged suspects seem like it wants to be monster? >> and a look at an ancient practice, but one surprising and unwanted result of doing yoga. >> good evening, we have exclusive video violence erupting in the mission district. this security video shows protesters attacking a police station following a pre mayday rally. phil matier joins us and says this san fransisco police chief mi

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here it captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: tonight, the u.n. makes a surprising announcement-- those translating headphones-- they're playing lynard skynard. ( laughter ). and my guest, alan alda, has challenged scientists to explain fire to an 11-year-old. that's easy-- try explaining an 11-year-old to fire. laugh facebook stock continues to plummet. people started selling once they found out their mom bought it, too. ( laughter ) this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) applause ) >>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. good dahave you with us. nation, we've got to come up with a commonsense solution to our poorest southern border. that's why i have long called for a 200,000-mile-long border wall made out of 10-foot-tall rotating razor blades that will slice illegals up like deli meat. and we need it now more than ever, folks, to keep out mexic

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i'm guessing both of you are exhausted as captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: toarnght a new solution to our health care crisis-- you'll need a map to the nearest animal hospital and a convincing dog costume. then a beloved children's character in trouble-- winnie the pooh had to go to honey rehab. my guest, social psychologist jonathan haidt is here to talk about the relationship between politics and morals. i believe it's money on the dresser, no kissing. a california treasure hunter says he has found bin laden's body. he has a very loose definition of the word "treasure." this is the "colbert report" captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you! thank you very much. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you know i i would try to stop your cheering but i would never want to censor you. ( laughter ). ( cheers ) nation

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(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhtaristic drum beat] [trumpet fanfare] ♪ [bluesy rock guitar music] ♪ - no, man, i'm just saying'-- i'm sayin' if you own the beach property, right... - mm-hmm. - do you own, like, the sand and the water ? - nobody owns the water. god owns--it's god's water. - what if someone, like, walks onto your beach, right? like, let's say if you do own it, right. - no, man, you don't own the beach. what you own is sand on the beach, man. - here, man. here, man. - what if there's a naked girl on the beach? - [laughs] that girl's not yours. you don't own the girl. - what if she breaks her foot on your property? - she could sue me. [all chuckling] sue me. sue me. [chuckling] - ditch it, man. ditch it. - dude, can you eat it? - the whole bag? - hey, mike, um, while you're at it... - those are 'shrooms, dude. - come on, man, just eat it.

♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> may9, 2012 from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, everybody. welcome back to the show. boom, we're back. thank you. thank you for joining us. welcome to "the daily show". i want to say right off the top u.s.s. roosevelt bringing the nice pictures and the guys bringing the nice things and some guy from england who -- i don't know. [ laughter ] [ applause ] has a diseased mind. [ laughter ] we're so happy to be back. i'm jon stewart. our guest tonight is the author of a great new book on home gardening. [ laughter ] and -- [cheers and applause] -- anyway, we're excited to have the first lady tonight. first, real quick off the top. we've been out of office two weeks. when i'm on vacation the only news i keep up is the latest. obviously i read the huffington post my one stop source. the latest scoop involves miley cyrus and

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captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org annenberg media ♪ for information about thisother annenberg media programs call 1-800-learner and visit us at www.learner.org. august 9, 1999. i was raped. i felt dirty, and i lost a sense of security. victim assistance helped me with counseling. they helped me write a victim impact statement, and because of that, my rapist got 20 years. with the right help, you can move on with your life.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org dennis that's a great looking set of knives, pal. where'd you get those? charlie: well, this old magician guy was trying to unload 'em. oh, so, like, magical trick knives or-- well, the knives are real. i mean, they're used for magical tricks, but they're real. you know what i mean? they're sharp, too. well, i'll show you. hey, dee, can you get up against the wall for a second? no. you're not throwing knives at me. let's just throw them at her, regardless. - no! - yeah, you know what? start running, 'cause we're coming. - ten... - oh, my god, don't you dare. - nine, eight, seven... - dee: no. no, no, no. - six, five, four... - okay, listen up, everybody! we are right in the middle of something, frank. - frank, we're in the middle of something very important. - i got news. your mother is dead. ha!

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: tonight a controversy for ot bama administration. get ready for the timothy geithner sex tape. then a new threat to american jobs, you want to take a break from your unpaid internship to watch. then my guest andy cohen is the host of bravo's watch what happens live. i'll ask him which american city has the newest crop of bitchy housewives. according to a new study, dinosaur farts may have caused prehistoric global warming. you know what they say, he who stinked it, is extinct. (laughter) this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. goo to have you with us ladies and gentlemen. i'm not just a newsman, i'm also a parent. so i know how important it is for moms and dads out there to be frightened at all times. (laughter) i see it as pie duty to inform you about da

you cia intelligence gatherers and than captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight how much do we tell our kids about is sexuality? that's enough. (laughter) then a new convenience for gun owners, i hope you'll stop shooting long enough to hear about it. and my guest actress diane keaton is here. la dee da, la dee da. the new york yankees have their own cologne. it's made from the most expensive ingredients of all the competing colognes. this is "the lbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. good to see you here. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to you have with us, please, nation. folks, -- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: okay, folks. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you make me so happy. will you make me the luckiest host in the world, and be my audience for the rest of my life? (che

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. chors plaus. >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i don't know about you, i don't know about you, folks, but i for one-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i am really-- reeling from the presidential elections first may-tober surprise. yesterday's shocking announcement. >> today i'm suspending the campaign. >> stephen: newt gingrich has left the race! i have not been this caught off guard since he entered the race. (laughter) >> stephen: now newt pledged to endorse mitt romney at a later date. but mitt's campaign might think newt said enough already. >> romney is a guy who will manage the decay. he's not the guy who is going to change washington. >> governor romney is extraordinarily insensitive to religious freedom in america. >> if gover

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight how much do we tell our kids about is sexuality? that's enough. (laughter) then a new convenience for gun owners, i hope you'll stop shooting long enough to hear about it. and my guest actress diane keaton is here. la dee da, la dee da. the new york yankees have their own cologne. it's made from the most expensive ingredients of all the competing colognes. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. good to see you here. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to you have with us, please, nation. folks, -- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: okay, folks. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you make me so happy. will you make me the luckiest host in the world, and be my audience for the rest of my life? (cheers and applause) >> step

see you next time captioning sponsored by rose communications captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org from los angeles, i am tavis smiley. phnom tonight a conversation with oscar-nominated actor ryan o'neal and now you're your he wrote a memoir detailing his relationship with farrah fawcett. we are glad you joined us. a conversation with ryan o'neal is coming of right now a. luther king boulevard. know. it's not just a street or boulevard, but a place where walmart stands together with your community to make every day better. pbs station from viewers like you. thank you. tavis: pleased to welcome ryan o'neal. the author has written a personal book about his longtime relationship with actress farrah fawcett. is called "both of us: my life with farrah." the obvious question is why. why a book, why so personal? >> i do not know why did its. i kept all these journals, so the story was close, and it was a way to stay close to her. i was not de with her yet. i thought we were interrupted, so i was looking for ways to stay connected. it >> just ways to stay connected, or was

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >>ú >> stephen: tonight can liberals and conservatives find common ground? yes, if the conservatives can drill for oil on it. (laughter) and my guest, harvard professor michael sandell has a new book called "what money expect buy." it's pandas, i've tried. (laughter) i like to think outside the box. then when i'm tired of thinking i get back in my box. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. very nice. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you so much. thank you. welcome to the "report," good to have you with us. nation, as you know, i love space exploration. venus, jupiter, planet hollywood. (laughter) i'm all for colonizing mars if it has really good buffalo wings. (laughter) and i'm totally jacked into the space scene. i've trained with nasa. i've talked to astronauts in orbit and i have a treadmill named after me on the international space stat

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: well, folks, thank you. well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it for the report. we are off for the next two weeks. have a great may. we'll see new the summertime

. ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>phen: well, folks, thank you. well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it for the report. we are off for the next two weeks. have a great may. have a great may. we'll see new the summertimeham: i can't believe the show starts in half an hour and achmed's late. maybe he drowned trying to visit bin laden's grave. (laughing) security. that's my name. don't wear it out. bubba j? yeah. well, gotta go. beer break. wait. achmed's late. keep an eye out for him. which eye? where could he be? he went from dead terrorist to hollywood diva. i'm telling you, the fame went to his skull. achmed? no way. (engine revving) (evil laughter) (cackling) huh? (growls) (bleating)

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [♪...]h >> announcer: ladies and gentlemen, please welcome jeff dunham. [cheering and applause] >> jeff: thank you! thank you so much. all right! thank you. you, you are assuming way too much, ladies and gentlemen. [laughter] but thanks for coming out tonight. i am happy to be in orange county, i'm happy to be in santa ana. my mother-in-law had a dance studio. she had this dance studio for 30 years. she owned it and she ran it. a few months ago, she was four days away from closing the sale on the dance studio. she was gonna take the money and retire and be independent- live out the rest of her life. then the hurricanes came. guess where my mother-in-law's dance studio was? west palm beach florida. guess who's living with me and my family now in los angles? [laughter] i'll say it again, i'm happy to be in santa ana. [laughter and applause] [cheering and applause] well, i know some of you know what's going on this evening. i have little people in boxes, and uh... i got to tell you, the way sec

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org may 9, 2012, from comedy central's world newsers in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to "the daily show"! (cheers and applause) my name is jon stewart. got a good one tonight. we're going to have a visit. our guest is john hall. he is the dean of westminster abbey and i cannot wait to find out whether he is a hufflepuff or griffin dorr. (laughter) yesterday on this program... for those of you who watched, i don't watch this program, reasonable people can disagree. we e may have insinuated president obama was somehow being disingenuous in giving in to his most base political calculations by not just saying he favors same-sex marriage and equal rights for all americans. that his position is evolving is weak tea what we didn't know at the time is that he had planned this: . >> it's important for me to go ahead and affirm that i think same-sex couples should be able to get married. (chee

♪ captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (trio chanting backwards) (2pbx&b >> may 3rd2012. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: say, hell woman to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. great show, peter bergen, author of the new book manhunt. i know bhau are thinking, are you just saying that so you can say abbottabad, i know. i'm sure it will be an interesting conversation. lev laugh. >> jon: as you know osama bin laden has been all over the news this being the onier an verse ar of his passing. >> good morning, we are getting a brand-new look into the mind of osama bin laden. parts of bin laden's personal letters nabbed from his compound in pakistan by navy seals have just been released. >> jon: whooo! personal letters. of bin laden. dear wife number 7. (laughter) >> jon: how is son number 19? i miss you. tell me what you are wearing? over your face. laugh laugh come on, the guy was run one

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captioning sponsored by macneil/lehrer productions captioned by media access group at wgbh captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org tonight... jeremy schaap: he is the quintessential olympic hero. margaret macmillan: hitler's script was the triumph of the aryan race, the triumph of nazi germany.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephenll, folks, thank you. well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it for the report. we are off for the next two weeks. have a great may. we'll see new the summertime [announcer] hulk hogan hammering away... get him, hulk! come oulk! here comes the hulk! oh! hulk's the man. [deandra] i have a question, though. what's going on with hulk hogan's hair? it's blond and yet it's silken like that of a chinese man. ah, yes. that is hulk hogan's signature look-- blond chinese hair and the skin of a hot dog. it's awesome. the whole thing's fake, but it's really awesome. fake? what the hell are you talking about fake? it's not fake. those guys got bashed and bloodied. i've seen guys get pounded in the ring. it's still fake, though, dude. charlie, charlie, i was there once. i saw a guy pick up a trash can, smash it into a guy's head. blood went everywhere. okay, what is going on here? oh. right here he's going into a state of hulkamania. okay, now when he's like this, nothing can hurt him, okay? it's like