. >> it's third generation born in verm captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: whoo! whoo! number one! (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: whoo! well come to "the report," everybody! thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) folks, it is fantastic to have you here! it is so exciting! (cheers and applause) you know, nation, i'm sure you can tell from the excitement in this room we are entering the last few months of my show, and i pledge to you that i will stay strong on family values to the bitter end. since day one of this program, i've had an unshakeable stamp on gay marriage. it is a moral evil that threatens our sacred institutions, our families and lives until it became popular and then, since then, who knows. you know, to each his own. you know, none of my business. (cheers and applause) i might even officiate at a wedding some day, who knows? (cheers and applause) and every day, there's another reas

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: tonight, a persecuted minority fights back. here here. we're unable to rhyme. enjoy that fact! then the sports world is rocked by scandal, or as it's sometimes called, football season. my guest tonight is former led zeppelin front man robert plant. ( cheers and applause ). i've got bad knees, so i'll ask him if there's an escalator to heaven. a new study says on average men need 7.8 hours of sleep a day. really, on top of the 12 hours i get each night? this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. hold on a second, folks. folks. i'll be with you in a second. i just have too finish up here. folks, the whieft crin establishment is under attack again and i am just whittling myself a little personal defense cross, okay. and if anybody comes at me i can give them a little salvation right in the jugular

read a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh media access group ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ ( mumbling ) ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> september 29th, 2014. on comedy central world news headquarters in new york this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: i'm jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. listen up my guest tonight hadi al bahra the president of the syrian national collision. i'm pretty sure they're on our side or he wouldn't be here. of course our non war in the mid east is only getting more complicated. the u.s. and the collision has been bombing the region for nearly a week. we wonder to ourselves does anyone else want in on this? before all of the good buildings are gone. >> british parliament is expected to vote to join the air campaign against isis. prime minister cameron called law makers to a special session to debate this issue. [laughing] >> jon: law -- law makers debate the issue? cameron, what are you doing? you don't have to put up without answers questions [beep]. just walk out onto the lawn and say we're bombing somewhere and go back i

(cheers and applause) comedy cel captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at w (eagle caw) >> stephen: tonight, ebola arrives in manhattan, but can only afford to live in queens. (laughter) then how are gay soldiers harming our military? if you don't can ask, i'll still be happy to tell. (laughter) and my guest, meredith viera is starting her own talk show after eleven seasons hosting "who wants to be a millionaire." i guess they found someone who wanted to be a millionaire. (laughter) dunkin' donuts says their croissant doughnut is not a cronut. but they're sticking to their wild claim that it's breakfast. (laughter) this is "the colbert report"! ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome to "the colbert report"! good to have you with us! (cheers and applause) thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! thank you! (cheers and applause) thank you so much! well tom twell -- welcome to "t" for now. okay. thank you. it's day 29 of america's ebola crisis. jesus! okay. please. (laughter) jimmy? thank you. all right. (laughter) this thing is going to kill us

. >> it's third generation born in verm captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: boom, pow! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: come on, come on, yay! (cheers and applause) crazy, that's crazy! welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. good to have you with us. thank you so much. folks, folks, i got to say, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here that gets me right here that gets me right here. and folks when you give me, when you give to me the love and the night it makes me want to start a tell thon, to give back the joy and the happy and the kind. i wish hi better news to start the show off but once again, this is who is attacking me now. nation, i come to you tonight a troubled man. you see, in these dark times we cling to our sacred institutions, the church, the family, the google. but today, today i am

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! well come to "the report"! thank you some for joining us! (cheers and applause) thanks for being here! (cheers and applause) we have a lot of work to do. a lot to get done. for those of you watching this show on a memory cube, thousands of years in the future, i want to ever you a hardy bleep blorp for joining us. (laughter) for those of you sharing the present chronosphere, it's day seven of the global pandemic that some are call "ebolapalooza." (laughter) not many. just me so far. but it's going to catch on. you can smell the fear, thanks to heroes like cnn who asked the question, "ebola: the i.s.i.s. of biological agents?" yes, it is. without a doubt. scientists have long compared diseases to murderous madmen. that's why epidemiologists call tuberculosis lung hitler. (laughter) one person who is irresponsibly calm is president barack ebola. just

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, who is influencing the supreme court? fashionwise, i say drew ids. james mcpherson has a new book about confederate president jefferson davis or as i call him the lincoln of slavery. investigators found i.s.i.s. used ammunition from 21 different countries including china. oh, no! some of those pull et cetera might contain lead! this is "the colbert report"! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the report." (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well come to "the report"! good to have you with us! thank you so much for being here! nation, today is the first monday in october, the start of the supreme court's new session, and i am pumped to the gavels. it's like the start of football season, only, unlike the n.f.l., the players go to court. (laughter) and right here on day one, the court's already decided on a huge non-decision. >> the supreme court has said it will not h

let me ad captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh media accessrg ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ ( mumbling ) ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ crunchy fritos, seasoned beef, and warm nacho cheese sauce, all for just a buck. don't adjust your television. the new way to taco bell isn't on tv. it's only in the app. [sfx: bong]

(cheering and applause) captioning sponsored by triage entertainment group captioned by media access groupt wgbh access.wghb.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "the "daily show"" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ). captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight-- it's a good one-- jeremy renner. jeremy renner is going to be here for the new film "kill the messenger." man, is it a good story. first, remember the big financial crise, 2008? ( laughter ) if you remember tyou weren't there, man. ( laughter ) that was woodstock. anyway, it tanked the economy. well, when was the last time you got good and angry about it? want to? ( laughter ) all right. you asked for it. remember how we gift wrapped $184 billion to insurance giant a.i.g. to purchase that company's terrible mortgage bets so that their incompetence wouldn't become a global extinction event? ( laughter ). we just got the thank you not. >> former american international group hank greenberg is suing the architects o

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's the show. by the way, before we go, i want to give it up for jason jones and samantha, apparently they called and those two stepped up, and knocked it out of the park. i really appreciate it. anyway, here it is, the moment of zen. >> tom corbett is perfect. and just praise. the rich guys. it's perfect. tonight, the move by the supreme court, you'll never guess what clarence thomas didn't say this time. plus the latest in the war against isis. then to cheer you up, the latest on ebola. ( cheers and applause ) and my guest is comedy legend carol burnett who is now starring on broadway. oooh! i bet she makes a great mustapha. the neiman marcus cag lot is selling a custom purpeople for $475,000. it's the perfect gift for anyone who wants to smell like an idiot. it's the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. it's good to have you with us, nati

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh captioned by media access group atss.wgbh.org even though now in pennsylvania. there's ac. we're from pittsburgh. no boardwalk. no beach. no sand. it's beautiful twelve months out of the year. it's just a state of mind, it really is. you can't get this feeling anywhere. the ocean breeze and... the beach, the boardwalk, the restaurants, the casinos, music. you feel like you're on vacation when you come here. >>> inside singer kesha's explosive sexual assault lawsuit against hollywood's biggest music producers. he's worked with britney, katy and miley. >> the list goes on. >> we talked to kesha's attorney of claims this guy forced her to do drugs and physically abused her. >> the most serious charge in this case is the date rape charge. a consistent pattern of emotional abuse. >> she also alleges that emotional abuse drove her to an eating disorder. >> we'll tell you how her former music producer is defending himself tonight. >>> then, you have to see brad pitt fans surprised. >> thank you for coming out. >> is this the

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh captioned by media access group atss.wgbh.org >>> we'll be tracking more showers, thunderstorms on thursday, what that means on your commute, the look at the forecast. >>> an emergency meeting at the white house, the president planned for any possible future ebola patients in the u.s.. >>> virginia lawmakers want the governors to ban travel from ebola-plaguedou cntries. what does the governor say? that story coming up. >> but first, breaking news, the body exhumed from an alabama grave not that of bishop. >> the [ indiscernible ] wife and mother, and travelling to alabama to cover the story, what a shock to all of us, the side by side pictures, they seem so uncanny. >> yeah, absolutely, see them side by side, bishop has a very distinctive chin cleft, take a look at him on the side, lengthy nose, side lips, side burns, a similar hair line as john doe you just saw on the left. this was the grave that was exhumed last week in the tiny rural alabama town of scottsboro, my photojournalist and i were on the scene when this g

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. the show tonight that we have prepared for you, my guest tonight, atul gawande, author of "being mortal: medicine and what matters in the end" i guess is that would be medicine. but first, the world is in a little upheavally of late so we thought we would start the week somewhere experiencing a bit of a downheaval. hong kong. where last week's protests have been downgraded from massive, anti-government rallies to listless teen hang session. (laughter) which is surprising after days like these. >> hundreds of thousands packed the streets of downtown hong kong as police fired as many as 87 cans of tear gas. determined demonstrators shielding themselves with umbrellas and spawning the so-called umbrella revolution. >> jon: thanks, china! (laughter) i'm have to change the name of my new album. (laughter) you know, i spent

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioninged by comedy central ♪

(cheers captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgwe'll refer to each other by our spanish nombres. there will be-- what's this? it's okay, it's okay. do it. [laughs]

ored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ (cheers and applause when their pocket computers and their dub steps and their malted 4 lowe co benches, but when you see a young person embrace clavicle music really gives me hope for the future, let's all enjoy together.

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org forget... are considering movio san francisco, although thi the cheapest neighborhood, not live here." a racist rant aboard a chinn tour bus... now the neighbod says an apology isn't enough. and clouds still hanging around... when will they be clearning out? kpix 5 news is next. a nuisance to neighbors...a now a crime scene. the shooting that could be the , south bay bu >>> a new neighbor and now a crime en

(cheers captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgsecond t map happened on mashable. in canada it's considered proper etiquette to sing the national anthem on ice-skates and a tax with a flowing mullet. like this hosser, let's see what this dudley does wrong

read a b captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you so much for being here! (cheers and applause) in here, out there, all around the world, mr. and mrs. america! all the nation, thank you so much for being here! folks, if you check your calendar, i hope you do, every day, nation, we are just a few days away from the most hallowed of all eens, halloween. (laughter) i'm so good at trick or treating. pro tip: cut out the middle man and go straight to the store to get your candy. november 1, it's usually on sale. so i will monster mash anyone who threatens this sacred pagan holiday. this is the war on halloween. (wind blowing, knocking, screaming) folks, when i'm looking for people assaulting or traditional halloween values, the first place i turn is federal government web sites. and i am never disappointed at how disappointed i am. for instance, this year, u

ored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ (cheers and applausee daily show with jon stewart. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart. my guest is on the zach galifianakis will be joining us. the excited news can look who is here. she made it to the show. [cheers and applause] >> jon: a gentleman in the audience with his wife of 25 years. only one ticket was left. here is my impression of him at the time. i don't know her! they're boeing here together. we saved their relationship. well, i'm just happy. but -- first it's time for a daily showy bowl a update. brought to you by arbys. arbys. a lot of thingsau

ored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ (cheers and applausend applause] >> jon: welcome. my guests tonight are one william o'reilly. tonight is our pant patented whatever it is we do. it will be like thanksgiving with two uncles who didn't really show up. with less than two weeks before election day, america, that's us. has resigned it sell through going to the motions of another midterm campaign. and

(cheers captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on vine today. the tomorroworld music festival in atlanta was four days of nonstop e.d.m., and i'm guessing an even nonstoppier usage of molly, which led to quality vines like this one, self-shot by this aspiring belushi.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at w (eagle caw) >> stephen: tonightttan, but can only afford to live in queens. (laughter) then how are gay soldiers harming our military? if you don't can ask, i'll still be happy to tell. (laughter) and my guest, meredith viera is starting her own talk show after eleven seasons hosting "who wants to be a millionaire." i guess they found someone who wanted to be a millionaire. (laughter) dunkin' donuts says their croissant doughnut is not a cronut. but they're sticking to their wild claim that it's breakfast. (laughter) this is "the colbert report"! ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome to "the colbert report"! good to have you with us! (cheers and applause)

let me ad captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ready to goh.org ready to go ready to go captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome. good to have you with us. [crowd cheering] [chanting stephen, stephen] >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you. you folks, you folks at home can't possibly know but the things we've all been through tonight already. [laughter] this is a stressful job, we're not going to lie to you. when i'm not out here spitting the truth hot and hard, i relax by gaming. i'm a huge gamer, i play them all, monopoly, go fish. i meet you there but i have a thing i don't show up. i win. i also love games of the video nature. i've spent hundreds of hours playing dark souls, assassin's creed, call of duty. which is when i cause assassin's creed and go use the bathroom. [applause] high score. new high score last night. [laughter] as a gamesman, i am gripped by a scandal called gamergate that's shaken the video world. you probably heard of the term gamergate. i have. that's why i brought it up just now.

(cheers captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgoing down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪

.♪ comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's the show.way, before we go, i want to give it up for jason jones and samantha, apparently they called and those two stepped up, and knocked it out of the park. i really appreciate it. anyway, here it is, the moment of zen. >> tom corbett is perfect. and just praise. the rich guys. it's perfect. (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report! good to have you with us! good to have you! (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, please, sit down. folks, folks, let me say colbert nation, on this night,

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's the show.efore we go, i want to give it up for jason jones and samantha, apparently they called and those two stepped up, and knocked it out of the park. i really appreciate it. anyway, here it is, the moment of zen. >> tom corbett is perfect. and just praise. the rich guys. it's perfect. tonight, the move by the supreme court, you'll never guess what clarence thomas didn't say this time. plus the latest in the war against isis. then to cheer you up, the latest on ebola. ( cheers and applause ) and my guest is comedy legend carol burnett who isno

(cheers captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgark, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's the show. before we go, i want to give it up for jason jones and samantha, apparently they called and those two stepped up, and knocked it out of the park.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (eagle caw) >> stephen: tonight, the midterm elections are on november 4th. or if you're a democrat, november 7th! (laughter) then, america reaches a milestone. though it had to use one of those reacher-grabbers. (laughter) and my guest, walter isaacson, has a new book about the history of your computer -- it had to be your history because i always clear mine. (laughter) netscape navigator launched 20 years ago today, and it has just now finished loading. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. as you were, nation! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen! thank you! that's lovely! thank you so much for the greeting! your adulation is as warm and fragrant as a spiced apple cider! i use that did met for because it's autumn here in new york and wh