tonight josh meyers, larry and hilary meyers, and we'll play "how well do you know your meyers?ring the 8g band with fred armisen. [ cheers and applause ] and now, here he is, seth meyers. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening everyone. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everyone doing tonight? happy thanksgiving, everybody. happy thanksgiving. [ cheers and applause ] one and all. if you are watching this at home at 12:30 in the morning, congratulations, you're immune to tryptophan. [ laughter ] that's right. today thanksgiving or as turkeys call it, memorial day. [ laughter ] just so you know, we're taping the show at 1:00 p.m. this afternoon. so, if you have a family member in your audience, they lied to you. they absolutely could have made it. they could have made it. [ cheers and applause ] this is a great tradition. earlier today was the macy's thanksgiving day parade, the great macy's thanksgiving day parade. [ cheers and applause ] i however was at the t.j. maxx thanksgiving day parade and it was a disaster. [ laughter ] clothes all over the ground. y

look at the emotions from urban meyer.been waiting a year for this match-up to take on michigan state. told you he gave me a forearmmy game, nearly knocked me down. intensity early in this game. >> chris: took to price. they pitch it off. pitches it off again and langford finally ends up with it after all that, they make it to the 6 yard line. michigan state will point to a holding penalty that nullified a langford touchdown run that would have put them up 14 points in the first quarter. >> kirk: that's right. michigan state felt they needed to break some tendencietendenci uncharacteristic mistakes from the spartans today for sure. not just the penalties, but some of the decisions we saw from them, just not what we've typically seen. and that's partly michigan state, and a lot to do with the team they play. the ohio state front, the defense, the secondary. grant locked up with tony lippett. ohio state defense, though they gave up 37 points, they did a very nice job in some key moments in this game in defending connor cook.

look at the emotions from urban meyer.been waiting a year for this match-up to take on michigan state. told you he gave me a forearmmy game, nearly knocked me down. intensity early in this game. >> chris: took to price. they pitch it off. pitches it off again and langford finally ends up with it after all that, they make it to the 6 yard line. michigan state will point to a holding penalty that nullified a langford touchdown run that would have put them up 14 points in the first quarter. >> kirk: that's right. michigan state felt they needed to break some tendencietendenci uncharacteristic mistakes from the spartans today for sure. not just the penalties, but some of the decisions we saw from them, just not what we've typically seen. and that's partly michigan state, and a lot to do with the team they play. the ohio state front, the defense, the secondary. grant locked up with tony lippett. ohio state defense, though they gave up 37 points, they did a very nice job in some key moments in this game in defending connor cook.

here we go, meyers, here we go! meyers!and applause ] >> seth: thank you guys, thank you. 2023, the year that driverless cars will be available according to tesla motors. also 2023, the year of the dead pedestrians. >> you killed 'em there, buddy! >> maybe you could win a bet with a nice good joke. >> you got it, kid. you got this kid, you got it. here we go, here we go! >> seth: and finally 17, the age of twins in new york who met an 85-year-old man on a dating website, tied him to a coffee table for 20 hours and robbed him. 7:00, the time he'll pick them up saturday if they want to go out again. this has been "this week in numbers." we'll be right back with amy poehler. [ chanting ] >> amy poehler! amy poehler! amy poehler! amy poehler! [ cheers & applause ] ♪ in like 3 years... hi, what's your name? jennie: oh, we don't have a reservation. amy: ha ha ha ha ha... hey, whom are you wearing? jennie: our coats? old navy. amy: that coat's awesome. jennie: thank you. amy: gimme that coat. jeff: no. amy: let her talk! wait, you

meyers burn. [ meyers burn ] [ laughter ] stop stretching it out, christmas. it's beginning to look a lot like ya burnt ♪ [ laughter ] oh, hey nik wallenda, could you not? [ laughter and applause ] as if things weren't tense enough with isis and ebola on tv, now i have to watch you risk your life voluntarily? also, no offense but daredevils used to be cooler. they had motorcycles and fireworks. now it's just a middle-aged man shuffling between two parking garages in chicago. nik wallenda, on behalf of everyone in chicago, da -- burnt. [ laughter ] hey, kenyan marathon runner wilson kipsang. you ran the new york city marathon in two hours, ten minutes, and fifty-nine seconds. or as i call it, two hours and eleven minutes. [ laughter ] you know what? i can't do it. your athletic achievement is one that deserves only praise. and because of that, wilson kipsang, you are this week's "unburnable." now go stretch those hammy's my my man, you earned it. [ applause ] hey,sea salt. why are you so expensive? you're not diamonds. [ laughter ] the earth is 75% ocean. i sho

i'm seth meyers, this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight?ers and applause ] good to hear. good to hear. you guys, today is vice president joe biden's birthday. [ cheers and applause ] vice president joe biden's birthday. biden started the day with a dance party, and a big piece of cake, and then he remembered it was his birthday. [ laughter ] that's right, it's joe biden's birthday. he blew out the first 70 candles on his cake, and then shot out the last two with his finger guns. biden style. [ laughter and applause ] this is a little scary. a man was arrested outside the white house yesterday carrying a rifle, ammunition, and a knife. police believe the man was disturbed, because you'd have to be crazy to be outside right now. [ laughter ] to go outside in this weather. [ laughter ] it was revealed today that bono broke his arm in six places and fractured his hand and shoulder blade in a bike accident in central park this week. but that's the kind of thing that can happen when you live your life too close to the edge. [ laughter and applaus

i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight?s and applause ] good to hear. that's good to hear. it's thanksgiving week. is everybody excited? [ cheers ] everybody feeling thankful? well, big weather news. i have to tell you some big weather news. meteorologists expect that the east coast could get up to six inches of snow tomorrow -- up to six inches of snow, which is the biggest travel day of the year. so traveling back home is going to be miserable, plus it's going to snow. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] that's right. new york city could get as much as six inches of snow tomorrow. of course, it'll be cold, so it will look more like four inches. [ laughter and applause ] just know. before you rush to judgment about the snow, it's cold and that's just a thing that happens. [ laughter ] this is pretty cool. this is pretty cool, today would have been joe dimaggio's -- "joltin'" joe dimaggio's 100th birthday. and i'd like to think -- [ applause ] yeah. yankees legend. and i'd like to think he's looking down on us right now we

i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? sound -- you sound excited. and that's great. today was election day. i know. i just found out, too. [ laughter ] during today's midterm elections republicans are hoping to retake the senate and add over 11 new delegates in the house. this could be the biggest day for white guys since abercrombie met fitch -- [ light laughter ] -- which was a big day. [ applause ] that was a big day. that's right. the midterm elections were held today and so for today only, this is important, for today only, you're a voter and not just a weird old guy hanging around outside a school. [ light laughter ] today only. it wasn't just about candidates today. alaska, oregon and washington, d.c. voted on legalizing marijuana, and if it passes, that means marijuana will be a little harder to get than it is now. [ light laughter ] "i have to go to the store now? why can't i just call doug?" [ laughter ] "doug has store now?" [ applause ] it's that time of year again. oprah's list of favorite things came out tod

i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight?d applause ] that is great to hear. that is great to hear. this is also great to here. i guess things are back to normal in north korea. this weekend the north korean government released photos of kim jong un touring a food factory. [ laughter ] and the tour was going well until he fell into the chocolate river -- [ laughter ] and got sucked up by the chocolate extraction pipe. ♪ kim jong, kim jong what did you do ♪ [ laughter ] congratulations to solange. let's give it up. [ cheers and applause ] this weekend, beyonce's sister, solange knowles, got married. i bet jay-z got a kick out of that. [ laughter ] here's some good news. a ruling by a manhattan court this morning could provide victims of the bernie madoff ponzi scheme with an additional $5 billion in damages. when reached for comment madoff said, "let me know if you want to double it." $5 billion now, $10 billion tomorrow. $20 billion the day after that. then zero. i couldn't believe this. pope francis has invited punk rocker p

so you read the footnote. >> seth meyers reads it all.el i'm making more progress. >> that's page 82. yes. my name when i was born aasif was spelled with one a. >> seth: got it. >> and in arabic, i found out, because i used to go to bahrain to visit my cousins when i was a kid. i was sitting in this pool in the hilton hotel, and this big fat arab guy was sitting there with the head dress and no shirt, a just a big belly. he said, "boy, what is your name?" i said, "aasif." he starts laughing. he says, "do you know what that means in arabic?" i said, "no, i don't sir." he says, "sorry, i apologize, and he starts laughing." then all of his friends come over, and he's like this guy's name is sorry, like he's an apology, like his parents were sorry that they had him. [ laughter ] and i was mortified. so i told my parents this and then years later, we moved to the states and we found out from a neighbor if i added an a to my name, it changed the meaning in arabic and it became like a big wind. >> seth: all right. >> yeah, i don't know if it's b

i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight?ers and applause ] excellent to hear. excellent to hear. i hope everyone is staying warm. this weather is crazy. in fact, this is true, due to extreme weather in upstate new york, some drivers were stranded in their cars for up to 36 hours. and it was pretty intense. some of them reported hearing that new taylor swift song on the radio as many as 100 times. [ laughter and applause ] it's five feet of snow, taylor! i cannot just shake it off. [ laughter ] can't even get the wipers to go. i couldn't believe this. according to a new poll, americans believe that ebola is the third most urgent healthcare problem in the united states. they also believe the first two are obesity and zombies. [ laughter and applause ] congratulations to chris hemsworth. today "people" magazine named actor chris hemsworth the sexiest man alive. [ cheers ] the sexiest man alive. and then they named cnn's don lemon sexist man alive. [ laughter ] which is less coveted. it's famously less coveted than sexiest man a

i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight?s ] good to hear, that is good to hear. well, people are still -- and i can't blame them -- people are still talking about kim kardashian's butt. [ laughter ] after the release of "paper" magazine's winter cover, which features kardashian nearly naked, kanye west reposted the photo with the hashtag, #allday. [ laughter ] apparently in response to the question, "how long did it take to oil up kim's ass?" [ laughter and applause ] that's the answer. all day. #allday. this is crazy. the secret service, the secret service this week revealed that there have been 40 cases -- 40 cases of fence-jumping at the white house in the last five years alone. and if the trend continues, they're going to take away joe biden's frisbee. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] "hey! hey! could you throw that back over? ah, he doesn't speak any english! das frisbee ist mein!" it's a german tourist. that's why i said "das frisbee." [ laughter ] in case you're wondering. it's a very -- in my head, it's a very long st

pennsylvania, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. what?! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- john lithgow -- from "a to z," actor ben feldman -- music from jenny lewis -- featuring the 8g band with fred armisen. [ cheers and applause ] and now, here he is, seth meyers. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everyone doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] great to hear. let's get it started off tonight with some political news. president obama said this weekend that he plans to use his final two years to experiment with ways of communicating more effectively with republicans. which is why john boehner found a note in his lunch box today that said "i love you." [ laughter ] nothing else has worked. why not give it a shot. this is interesting. during a speech a

i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight?s and applause ] that is great to hear. well, you guys, there's only one thing -- there is only one thing anybody is talking about today on the internet. that's right. this morning the u.s. and china made a deal to cut carbon emissions by 2025. they said, from now on, they're only going to use oil to coat kim kardashian's ass. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] which is not to say we won't still potentially have shortages. [ laughter ] i'm sure you saw it. "paper" magazine's winter cover featured kim kardashian shooting champagne into a glass balanced on her butt. [ laughter ] so if you didn't think she had any talent -- [ laughter ] you are still right. [ cheers and applause ] this is pretty shocking. especially if you were watching when it happened. monday night, megyn kelly accidently said the "f" word when introducing a guest when she mispronounced governor mike huckabee's name. [ audience ohs ] in the process offending bees everywhere. [ laughter and applause ] [ buzzing noises

i'm banking on meyer who's free to reinvent yahoo!. but i don't know what she has to do to silence these haters that keep criticisms myers' leadership regardless of the fact. tim armstrong. dare i say, sexist. then there's twitter. another noisy stock that put on a grand show today at the analyst meeting, revealing metrics that are good at least for now and potentially saving dick costlo's job for now. i'm convinced that the opportunity is much bigger than management realizes, but for one brief day, they seem to have a glimpse of how to monetize the 500 million people who come to twitter each month. the stock roared today, a lot of it because the cfo did most of the talking. perhaps the arbinger of christmas future. terry london, one of the few people who can cut a forecast and still have the stock roar. we've come to expect a conservative earnings from macy's. lundgren is the man with the midas touch. i spoke with the founder and ceo of the container store, who put up similar numbers and saw his stock plummet 25%. as we'll hear later

i'm seth meyers, this is "late night." how is everyone doing tonight?s and applause ] good to hear. are you guys excited thanksgiving is tomorrow? [ cheers and applause ] all right. remember, this is very important. remember to take some time out today to say good-bye to the hole in your belt that you're currently using. [ laughter ] this is interesting. today, not tomorrow, but today is the anniversary of the day george washington declared the first day of thanksgiving in 1789. of course, thanksgiving was very different back then. so one thing everybody was the racist uncle. [ laughter and applause ] very hard to stand out for your racism in 1789. i was surprised to hear this. according to reports, black friday is the busiest day of the year for gun sales. because there's nothing like thanksgiving with the family to make you think, man -- [ laughter ] i need a gun. [ applause ] i need to get a gun. a new poll released today found that the top 2016 presidential candidates among republican voters is mitt romney. well, actually, it was -- [ sigh ] i don't

. >>> and the pulse coming up, and why sears is using mike meyers to help with struggling sales. >>> and a late night release for the trailer for the "50 shades of grey" move. ♪ [ male announcer ] you wouldn't ignore signs of damage in your home. are you sure you're not ignoring them in your body? even if you're treating your crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis, an occasional flare may be a sign of damaging inflammation. and if you ignore the signs, the more debilitating your symptoms could become. learn more about the role damaging inflammation may be playing in your symptoms with the expert advice tool at crohnsandcolitis.com. and then speak with your gastroenterologist. with the expert advice tool at crohnsandcolitis.com. acidity was in my diet...much that it was damaging the enamel. i wanted to fix it right away. my dentist recommended pronamel. he said pronamel can make my teeth stronger. pronamel is helping me lead the life that i want to live. >>> time now to check "the pulse." stories you'll be talking about today. beginning with the much-anticipated movie, "50 shades of gr

stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend.ope to see you next week. bye bye! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- kerry washington, from broadway's "hedwig and the angry inch," michael c. hall, author joe hill, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen. [ cheers andpplause ] and now, here he is, seth meyers. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] i'm seth meyers. this "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? is everybody good? more importantly, did everyone have a good halloween? [ cheers and applause ] all right. that's right, friday was halloween, which means saturday was my favorite day of the year -- sad spiderman walking home day. [ laughter ] nothing more fun than watching a sad spiderman walk home. a friday night at a party, you might think, "oh, my god, that's spiderman." on saturday morning, in the cold light of day, that is a man in a spiderman suit. that is

meyer. >> translator: professor klaus meyer, mayor, dear ladies and gentlemen, not like any other daymber, is important. kaiser william ii, 23 others went -- marched to the -- munich for some help. some years later 38 of the members of the s.a. and s.s. burned down and destroyed -- killed and oppressed jewish people. that was the start of the downfall of civilization. it was a horrible day. how this date could become a day of hope and happiness and on the dates 9 november 1989. 25 years after the fall of the wall not only happiness and importance and responsibility of the term in history. the fall after german history was unexpected at that moment. the iron curtain already was frail. the peaceful revolution and other states of the east bloc were important for that, without it impossible. for central and middle -- eastern and middle europe was the importance, czechoslovakia, poland. hungary and austria and the politics of glasnost and perestroika. i'm very happy, in those days three personalities in berlin which was a place that was relevant for that. mikhail gorbachev, 1989. more and

david faber sits down with sirius xm ceo jim meyer to get his thoughts.eturn. ♪ there's confidence... then there's trusting your vehicle maintenance to ford service confidence. our expertise, technology, and high quality parts means your peace of mind. it's no wonder last year we sold over three million tires. and during the big tire event, get up to $140 in mail-in rebates on four select tires. ♪ in a we believe outshining the competition tomorrow requires challenging your business inside and out today. at cognizant, we help forward-looking companies run better and run different - to give your customers every reason to keep looking for you. so if you're ready to see opportunities and see them through, we say: let's get to work. because the future belongs to those who challenge the present. >>> liberty streaming music in the spot. and david faber is there with the ceo of sirius xm. >> jim meyer. the ceo. thanks for joining us. you are going to be presenting to the investor base here later. i'd love to start not talking about used car sales or new car sale

i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight?heers and applause ] great to hear. great to hear. today is veteran's day. give it up for our veterans. [ cheers and applause ] and i just want to say a special thank you to all of the brave men and women who make it safe for people like me to put on makeup and tell jokes in the middle of the night. [ laughter ] thank you. thank you for your service. [ applause ] this is nice. a veterans day concert was held tonight at the national mall in washington, d.c., featuring bruce springsteen, rihanna and carrie underwood. so if you're a fan of bruce springsteen, rihanna and carrie underwood, who are you? [ laughter ] i want to know everything about you. you're a mystery to me. [ laughter ] but i'm intrigued. there's a summit of world leaders happening in china right now, and president obama is facing criticism after he was seen chewing gum while walking to the meeting in china. president bush would have never done that. [ laughter ] but only because he can't walk and chew gum at the same time

i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight?heers and applause ] that is great to hear. well, yesterday was election day. unless you're a republican, in which case it was christmas. [ light laughter ] some very happy people on fox news yesterday. which is nice because they're usually so angry. but they remembered how to smile again. and that is the meaning of christmas. [ laughter ] this might explain a lot about yesterday's election. according to data from yesterday's midterms, only 13% of voters were under 30 years old. so america didn't rock the vote so much as we soft rocked the vote. [ laughter ] we classic rocked the vote. [ laughter ] yesterday republicans won enough seats to gain a majority in the senate and increase their majority in the house. for those democratic candidates who wanted to distance yourselves from obama, congratulations, you did. you don't ever have to worry about seeing him again. [ laughter ] no surprise here. according to "the miami herald," yankees star alex rodriguez admitted to using performance-e

i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight?heers and applause ] that is great to hear. that is great to hear. quick question. i want to ask, does anyone here have obamacare? that's good. i have some good news for you. [ laughter ] some very good news based on that answer. the second open enrollment period for obamacare is underway. and it's a lot easier than the last time. now, instead of trying to log on to a confusing website, obamacare just shows up in your itunes -- [ laughter ] whether you wanted it or not. it's just there. [ cheers and applause ] it's just there. some international news. a man in india -- a man in india -- this a little scary -- is in quarantine at the delhi airport after he was found to have traces of ebola in his semen. [ laughter ] wow. and you thought it sucked when they made you take off your shoes. [ laughter ] that will be the glory days. the good old days will be the shoes. [ applause ] this is interesting. the oxford dictionary has announced that the 2014 word of the year is "vape." [ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ] i'm seth meyers. this "late night." how's everybody doing tonight?erybody good? more importantly, did everyone have a good halloween? [ cheers and applause ] all right. that's right, friday was halloween, which means saturday was my favorite day of the year -- sad spiderman walking home day. [ laughter ] nothing more fun than watching a sad spiderman walk home. a friday night at a party, you might think, "oh, my god, that's spiderman." on saturday morning, in the cold light of day, that is a man in a spiderman suit. that is not spiderman. tomorrow are midterm elections. so it's very important, don't forget to head down to your local polling place and cancel out your dad's vote. [ laughter ] very important. [ cheers and applause ] don't ever let anyone tell you your vote doesn't count. you can cancel out your dad's vote. [ laughter ] this is pretty interesting. a new poll found that democrats and republicans also tend to disagree on restaurants, which was interesting to me. for example, democrats tend to like olive garden while republicans prefer rest

i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everyone doing tonight?heers and applause ] oh, that is so exciting to hear. that is so exciting to hear. also exciting, some political news. ann romney today said that she is done -- done with the idea of her husband running for president. but added, "you never say never." [ laughter ] and you don't have to because the voters already did. [ laughter and applause ] here -- this is what i like to call a sign of the times. the new york giants have reportedly been debriefed about ebola in preparation for their trip to dallas to play the cowboys this weekend. [ laughter ] though, if this game is anything like last week, i wouldn't worry about the giants catching anything. [ laughter ] they're -- [ cheers and applause ] they are safe and sound. this is a weird moment. i don't know if you saw this. but yesterday, florida governor rick scott refused to come out for a debate because his challenger charlie crist had put a small fan underneath his podium. [ light laughter ] "go, charlie," said the fan. [ laughter ] "y

story you see in like a michael meyers movie. he was having a mental breakdown and i just -- i heard it in his voice. and the things he was saying. he felt that everyone was against him. and he shot and killed my grandma. my grandpa said that he also tried to pull the trigger on him as well, but the gun jammed. well, it doesn't stop there. he actually went on the run for a few days and no one knew where he was. people thought he fled to florida. we were in protective custody. we got escorted to my mom's house. we had cops outside. the police escorted us back there and said it was safe to go in. they overlooked him in the attic. i was downstairs, along with the rest of my family that was there for my grandma's funeral. and he waited for his moment. he shot my mom in the neck through the attic vent. my mom was rushed to the hospital. he missed by just this much. they couldn't operate, take the bullet out because it was so close to her spine. till this day the bullet is still in her neck, three years later. and after he did that, he

crouch, general meyer, and general dempsey.plause] and assisting us with the award presentation this evening is the daughter of a retired u.s. army major and miss district of columbia, teresa davis, a proud military brat. she dedicated saluting the military and their families. each year, we come together to celebrate, honor, and recognize a servicemember from each branch of the military for their outstanding and heroic actions. our first presenter is a graduate of the united states military academy and served key operational leadership posts in europe, the middle east and the united states. to present the 2014 u.s. soldier of the year award in the please welcome the army chief of odierno.neral ray [applause] >> thank you very much. general dempsey was a 37 chief of staff and i am the 38. like all things, talent skips a generation. [laughter] so as we pick the next chief, we will be conducting singing auditions before we decide who the chief will be. [laughter] general dempsey has volunteered to be one of those who graze the aud