before that when you have someone calling you names whether it's a name of endearment, i was the kind of kid that internalized everything. >> didn't michael call you donk? that's not nice. >> no, it's not. but when it's coming from a family member who means it out of love it's just fun. they don't realize what it could be doing to you. especially being the baby. you have a big family. a lot of brothers and sisters or just being the baby -- >> a lot of teasing. >> you get it more than anybody else. >> do you think in your case it affected you more than any of them realized? >> yes. >> that it was chipping at your self-esteem. >> yes, that's what i was getting at. they didn't know. i was so quiet, i never told anyone how i felt. i was hurting inside but i never said anything about it. i would laugh like it was nothing, not wanting to show the pain it was truly causing. you don't do that. that's not the thing to do. that's what i did and i kept that up for years and my life began to change. >> you said you have been through this a few times. it's been a cyclical thing where your weight has gone up and down. you have talked openly about it in the book in a