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Feb 19, 2016
02/16
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wilbur, mr. foster just left. carol, if you're thinking what i think you're thinking, well, i don't know where you learned that kind of language. wilbur, what happened? all these years you've been waiting for your ship to come in. the ship? wilbur, whatever your differences are with mr. foster, couldn't you patch them up? wilbur, how could you? mr. foster is a very import... and my, my real estate... are you... and if you ever speak to me again, i'll never speak to you again. -what do you think of that? -but, roger... forget it. i'm not speaking to you. honey, look, this mr. foster, he's an impossible man. oh, well wilbur, i'd never want you to be unhappy. he wanted me to work night and day, even weekends. and i think a man should devote some time to his family. oh, now you make me proud that you turned him down. he'd have a man working like a horse, and i don't believe even a horse should work like a horse. besides, he was nasty to ed. is that horse what you meant by your family? no, carol. i might have known that
wilbur, mr. foster just left. carol, if you're thinking what i think you're thinking, well, i don't know where you learned that kind of language. wilbur, what happened? all these years you've been waiting for your ship to come in. the ship? wilbur, whatever your differences are with mr. foster, couldn't you patch them up? wilbur, how could you? mr. foster is a very import... and my, my real estate... are you... and if you ever speak to me again, i'll never speak to you again. -what do you think...
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Feb 13, 2016
02/16
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mr. wilbur's eggs were boiled enough. - boiled enough. and why didn't mr. wilbur like that? - well because jeeves played it on the trombone. - played the minute on the trombone? - yes and by time the eggs were done the wind from the trombone cooled the coffee. (audience laughs) - yeah well he should have played it on the harp, then he'd have hard boiled eggs and he could slice them at the same time. (audience laughs) - oh about that size, but let's go ahead. oh you say a butler has problems? - oh yes and especially the time his boss was murdered. - jeeves' boss? - yes and he confessed to it. - he murdered his boss, huh? - oh no no he didn't have anything to do with it, but he loves the movies and when anybody is murdered it's always the butler who does it, so jeeves said he did it because he wanted the crime to look believable. - what about the police? - well when they came to the door he wouldn't let them in. - he wouldn't? - oh no, he just looked them in the eye and said, "gentlemen "the master is dead and he doesn't want to be disturbed." (audience laughs) - goodnight. -h
mr. wilbur's eggs were boiled enough. - boiled enough. and why didn't mr. wilbur like that? - well because jeeves played it on the trombone. - played the minute on the trombone? - yes and by time the eggs were done the wind from the trombone cooled the coffee. (audience laughs) - yeah well he should have played it on the harp, then he'd have hard boiled eggs and he could slice them at the same time. (audience laughs) - oh about that size, but let's go ahead. oh you say a butler has problems? -...
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Feb 11, 2016
02/16
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-wilbur: as mr. ainsworth... -i've seen all i can stand. ...move to a neighborhood in which they are welcome. oh, here comes poor wilbur now. addison, don't you dare make fun of him. please, rog, i don't know what happened out there. but he must feel terrible. promise me you won't kid him. what do you take me for? some kind of an inhuman monster? a person without feeling? this is nothing to joke about. well, look who's here! snow white. why don't you crawl behind your mustache and get lost. honey, what happened? well, i felt i was in trouble the minute ainsworth walked in and knew the whole crew. i even had to put my own makeup on. i guess i didn't do a very good job. oh, i don't know. i thought those rosebud lips made you look adorable. (laughs) addison, i don't think it's anything to laugh about. you're right, kay. come on. help me home. (laughs) (kay laughs) hi, ed. i suppose you saw me on television. yeah. i was kind of hoping the set would be broken. it is now. wasn't much of a debate, was it? it was more of
-wilbur: as mr. ainsworth... -i've seen all i can stand. ...move to a neighborhood in which they are welcome. oh, here comes poor wilbur now. addison, don't you dare make fun of him. please, rog, i don't know what happened out there. but he must feel terrible. promise me you won't kid him. what do you take me for? some kind of an inhuman monster? a person without feeling? this is nothing to joke about. well, look who's here! snow white. why don't you crawl behind your mustache and get lost....
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Feb 21, 2016
02/16
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mr. post? sir? it's no use, ed. i'm still hiring a secretary. oh no, wilbur, with a girl around i won't be able to talk to you whole day. ed, a businessman can't run a sloppy office. and horses don't make good secretaries. i need a girl who can file, type, take shorthand. yeah, but can you slap a saddle on her back and take her for a ride in the park? you'll get used to a secretary being around here. ed, i've got to deliver this contract. meanwhile, clean up this mess, huh? (moans) the eternal rectangle. the man, his wife, his secretary and his horse. cronwall secretarial agency? this is mrs. wilbur post. i'm calling regarding a secretary for my husband. yes, i'll wait. carol, believe me it's a bad move. because he never had a secretary. winnie, please. yes, a girl who can type, file, take shorthand. sit on his lap. sit on his... winnie! that's right. he's sort of looking for a girl friday. and you'll be looking for him the rest of the week. oh, what's she like? a secretarial school graduate? good. business experience. uh-huh. pleasant, congenial, attractive.
mr. post? sir? it's no use, ed. i'm still hiring a secretary. oh no, wilbur, with a girl around i won't be able to talk to you whole day. ed, a businessman can't run a sloppy office. and horses don't make good secretaries. i need a girl who can file, type, take shorthand. yeah, but can you slap a saddle on her back and take her for a ride in the park? you'll get used to a secretary being around here. ed, i've got to deliver this contract. meanwhile, clean up this mess, huh? (moans) the eternal...
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Feb 8, 2016
02/16
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mr. wilbur! and goodbye, my sweet darling mister ed! i have a secret for you. you are much sweeter than my prince. it isn't difficult, either. [both laugh] goodbye, miss gabor. bon voyage. merci. come on, ed. [sighs] well, you really cured her fear of horses. [laughs] yeah, and she cured my fear of hungarians. ah, come on home, ed. and jane wyatt, with elinor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin in father knows best. -but mommy, all the kids would laugh at me if i wore this dress to school.
mr. wilbur! and goodbye, my sweet darling mister ed! i have a secret for you. you are much sweeter than my prince. it isn't difficult, either. [both laugh] goodbye, miss gabor. bon voyage. merci. come on, ed. [sighs] well, you really cured her fear of horses. [laughs] yeah, and she cured my fear of hungarians. ah, come on home, ed. and jane wyatt, with elinor donahue, billy gray, and lauren chapin in father knows best. -but mommy, all the kids would laugh at me if i wore this dress to school.
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Feb 12, 2016
02/16
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mr. douglas? -and this is our next-door neighbor wilbur post. mr. douglas: how do you do? i'll, uh, be frank with you, mr. addison. my wife and i, have often driven past and admired this house. uh, i told him how much we want for it. the price seems fair enough. -wonderful. -yeah. my husband will be finished with that letter of agreement in a few minutes. fine. fine. no hurry. meanwhile, i'll fix us a little snack. -i'll give you a hand, kay. -oh, no, sweetie. you stay and get acquainted with your new neighbor. the reason i like this neighborhood is because it's so quiet. yes, it's just like the country. if not for tv, wilbur and i wouldn't know what to do evenings. i hope you don't play it too loudly. no, no, no. very low. i'll be honest with you, mr. post. one of the reasons i'm selling my house is because of a noisy neighbor. i got tired of calling the police. i hope you don't have any dogs or cats or parrots. no. just a horse. he's very quiet. walks around the barn in house slippers. you don't take anything seriously, do you, mr. post? you'll get used to his sense of h
mr. douglas? -and this is our next-door neighbor wilbur post. mr. douglas: how do you do? i'll, uh, be frank with you, mr. addison. my wife and i, have often driven past and admired this house. uh, i told him how much we want for it. the price seems fair enough. -wonderful. -yeah. my husband will be finished with that letter of agreement in a few minutes. fine. fine. no hurry. meanwhile, i'll fix us a little snack. -i'll give you a hand, kay. -oh, no, sweetie. you stay and get acquainted with...
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Feb 17, 2016
02/16
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wilbur, i know you're innocent. why would mr. hunt say that i turned joey in? maybe because i used your name. i wouldn't turn... you? (sobbing) yeah, yeah. oh, wilbur, i... i did a terrible thing, and i'm sorry. you should be. why did you do it, ed? how do i know? i'm only a horse. (sobbing) your handkerchief? all right, all right. get my nose. okay, ed, now, you know what you're supposed to do. after all the trouble i caused, you think i'd let joey down? yeah, well, do you remember what time i want you to telephone me? relax, will you, wilbur? i already set my watch. i've got, uh, 1:15. hunt: sorry, mr. post, but taking joey back is just out of the question. too many people have been complaining about him. you did it yourself. no, i didn't phone. that was ed. ed? well, that's a fella who lives with me. (phone buzzing) daily star, circulation department, hunt speaking. would you mind speaking up, madam? this is, uh, this is mrs. higgins. i'm one of joey's customers. uh, yes, mrs. higgins. what about it? well, unless that nice boy gets his job back, oh, but, mrs.
wilbur, i know you're innocent. why would mr. hunt say that i turned joey in? maybe because i used your name. i wouldn't turn... you? (sobbing) yeah, yeah. oh, wilbur, i... i did a terrible thing, and i'm sorry. you should be. why did you do it, ed? how do i know? i'm only a horse. (sobbing) your handkerchief? all right, all right. get my nose. okay, ed, now, you know what you're supposed to do. after all the trouble i caused, you think i'd let joey down? yeah, well, do you remember what time i...
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Feb 3, 2016
02/16
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mrs. post. what? what? wilbur... you should all be on your knees to me. hello, this is mr. post. owner of mister ed. what? yes, yes, it's true. how did you find out about it so fast? well the child's grandfather happens to be henry j. thorndyke. he was at a local press conference when his daughter called him with the news. we'd like to follow up on the story. do you mind if send over a photographer at 3:00? yes, 3:00 will be fine. don't mention it. (clears throat) the newspaper is sending photographer over here to take pictures of mister ed. do you know who the little girl's grandfather happens to be? henry j. thorndyke. not henry thorndyke the millionaire. why he owns half of catalina island. he may drop over himself later in the afternoon. addison you've been wanting to meet him for years. yeah, anything that man touches turns to gold. oh, wilbur if you cut us in on one of his deals we'll be made. what a stroke of luck saving thorndyke's grandchild. oh, ed is very democratic. he saves them all. the rich and the poor. okay, mr. post, i'm all set. all right, where do you want us
mrs. post. what? what? wilbur... you should all be on your knees to me. hello, this is mr. post. owner of mister ed. what? yes, yes, it's true. how did you find out about it so fast? well the child's grandfather happens to be henry j. thorndyke. he was at a local press conference when his daughter called him with the news. we'd like to follow up on the story. do you mind if send over a photographer at 3:00? yes, 3:00 will be fine. don't mention it. (clears throat) the newspaper is sending...
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Feb 12, 2016
02/16
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wilbur... just call me mr. post. now remember, you don't know where i am, mr. post. oh, wilbur, wilbur. my pal, wilbur. (kay) hi, wilbur. oh, addison. (kay) addison? they're just darling. this is my husband, mr. addison. hi, daddy-o. how are you, sir? and our neighbor, mr. post. how do you do? mr. post. and this is buzz dixon, and zelma beasley. aren't you a little early for trick or treat? mmm-hmm. yeah, that's my husband. always making little jokes. the littlest jokes you ever heard. i gotta mail this letter. this is for you, mrs. addison. i painted it myself. oh, thank you, doll. oh, what a wonderful subject. why, it's, uh, uh, unique. uh, i know just the spot for it: over my fireplace. i know a better spot: in the fireplace. i'm a very busy man. what is it you came to see me about? well, mr. addison, we came to, like, ask a big favor. we'd like to put up some lean-tos, like, on your property, so we can make it like an art colony. fine. oh, gee! we don't have that kind of money. man, we don't have any kind of money. addison, they're not harming our property in any way. that's right.
wilbur... just call me mr. post. now remember, you don't know where i am, mr. post. oh, wilbur, wilbur. my pal, wilbur. (kay) hi, wilbur. oh, addison. (kay) addison? they're just darling. this is my husband, mr. addison. hi, daddy-o. how are you, sir? and our neighbor, mr. post. how do you do? mr. post. and this is buzz dixon, and zelma beasley. aren't you a little early for trick or treat? mmm-hmm. yeah, that's my husband. always making little jokes. the littlest jokes you ever heard. i gotta...
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210
Feb 17, 2016
02/16
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in five minutes, wilbur and mr. ed will be on television. where's roger? oh, probably soothing his nerves champagne! nothing too good for our horse's debut. i shall turn on the bank-- i mean the television. oh, we still have five minutes. don't be so nervous. oh, gee, that's right. if we're this nervous, i wonder how my dearest friend feels. oh, don't worry about wilbur. i'm talking about my horse. doll. i'll go get some glasses. did you tell the cameraman exactly what i want? don't worry, ed. most of your shots will be close-ups. good, that's good. and, wilbur, work to my right profile. that's my best side. i know, ed. there. do you mind? help yourself. oh, wilbur, you'll be on in about five minutes. you'd better check your makeup. okay. i've got so much of this pancake on me now, i feel like a waffle. (chuckling) oh, ed, you stay right there. oh, sam, sam. oh, ever since that horse out-performed her, she's been heartbroken. she just sulks. she won't eat. she won't work. she won't do anything. i'm terribly worried about her. well, i'm willing to help. wha
in five minutes, wilbur and mr. ed will be on television. where's roger? oh, probably soothing his nerves champagne! nothing too good for our horse's debut. i shall turn on the bank-- i mean the television. oh, we still have five minutes. don't be so nervous. oh, gee, that's right. if we're this nervous, i wonder how my dearest friend feels. oh, don't worry about wilbur. i'm talking about my horse. doll. i'll go get some glasses. did you tell the cameraman exactly what i want? don't worry, ed....
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Feb 9, 2016
02/16
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mr. carmichael! wilbur, i owe you an apology. you're a pretty smart fellow. hey, where'd you get all that information? straight from the horse's mouth, dad. you both have a perfect driving record. >>perfect. no tickets. no accidents... >>that is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. >>yup... now, you would think your insurance company would cut you some slack, right? >>no. your insurance rates go through the roof. your perfect record doesn't get you anything. >>anything. perfect! for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. our claim centers are available to assist you 24/7. for a free quote, call liberty mutual at switch to liberty mutual and you could save up to $509 call today at see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. mmm! well, what's all that for? for winning daddy over. know what he told me just before he left? that i was a kook? no. that he's glad i married you. that's one thing i like about your father: when he's wrong, he's the first one
mr. carmichael! wilbur, i owe you an apology. you're a pretty smart fellow. hey, where'd you get all that information? straight from the horse's mouth, dad. you both have a perfect driving record. >>perfect. no tickets. no accidents... >>that is until one of you clips a food truck, ruining your perfect record. >>yup... now, you would think your insurance company would cut you some slack, right? >>no. your insurance rates go through the roof. your perfect record doesn't...
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Feb 15, 2016
02/16
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wilbur, how about a pardon? no, ed. thanks to you i was up all night copying mr. holbrook's plans. now, wilbur, you know i love you like a brother. when you punish me, you're only hurting yourself, and i hate to hurt you, so let me out. sorry, ed. okay, then you'll have to do it the hard way. sunday you'll go horseback riding without a horse. you ever hear of renting a horse, ed? oh, now, that's dirty pool. if your wife was locked up in the house for a week, you wouldn't go out and rent another wife, would you? well, i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. (ed groaning) i've got to deliver mr. holbrook's plans now. wilbur, i'm going to give you one more chance. -what? -unlock the door! goodbye, ed. i hope you're happy with your rented horse. it'll be a change to be with an animal addison: oh, wilbur. rog. wilbur, i'm returning this lie detector. do you want to ride downtown with me? no, i've got to deliver these plans, rog. did you decide to invest in this electric stool pigeon? no. no, i couldn't make a deal with the inventor. -what did you offer him? -20% of the profits. now, ho
wilbur, how about a pardon? no, ed. thanks to you i was up all night copying mr. holbrook's plans. now, wilbur, you know i love you like a brother. when you punish me, you're only hurting yourself, and i hate to hurt you, so let me out. sorry, ed. okay, then you'll have to do it the hard way. sunday you'll go horseback riding without a horse. you ever hear of renting a horse, ed? oh, now, that's dirty pool. if your wife was locked up in the house for a week, you wouldn't go out and rent another...
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Feb 5, 2016
02/16
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mr. post. not until you promise that you will start training. i am? wilbur, get off. roger, make wilbur let tiger up. wilbur, you let... tiger, i order you to throw that bag of bones off your chest. what's going on here? mrs. addison, help me. if you'll excuse me, i'm going to my room and have a good cry. save me a handkerchief, rog. what happened? oh, i'm afraid the boys were right. he's in no condition to wrestle next week. and it's our fault. i guess i have gained a little weight. and i know just the way he can take it off. the very best way. trainer: and sway. two, three, and jete. glissade to jete. arabesque. kay. and glissade to jete. arabesque. very good. excellent. and in such a short time, too. i've never seen such natural ability. it's a lot more fun than working out in the gym. and you couldn't ask for nicer sparring partners. (laughs) shall we all assume the first position? ready? and plie. and straight. two, three, and jete. two, three. you were right. the tiger is a pussycat. a fat pussycat. not for long. ask miss canfield. ballet is the quickest way to
mr. post. not until you promise that you will start training. i am? wilbur, get off. roger, make wilbur let tiger up. wilbur, you let... tiger, i order you to throw that bag of bones off your chest. what's going on here? mrs. addison, help me. if you'll excuse me, i'm going to my room and have a good cry. save me a handkerchief, rog. what happened? oh, i'm afraid the boys were right. he's in no condition to wrestle next week. and it's our fault. i guess i have gained a little weight. and i know...
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Feb 18, 2016
02/16
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wilbur! there we are. see how this sounds, ed. [clearing throat] "dear mr. boyd, "enclosed please find your check for $2,500. "i am unable, at this time, to write a book. my architectural work keeps me too busy. yours truly." what are you doing? you'd better let me write that letter for you. why? it needs style. i want him to think my wilbur is a genius. ok, ed. you know, if you'd been my roommate at college, i would have made phi beta kappa. [laughing] me in college, well! robert young and jane wyatt with elinore donahue, billy gray and lauren chapin in father knows best. - and wouldn't you know it, i was the first one he called on to recite. well, i didn't even know the chemical formula, let alone- - excuse me, diane, but you're supposed to be- - oh, hi george, sit down, sweetie. - so anyway- - how are ya, betty? - fine. - i got up and stood there like a goon! - diane. - well, i felt i had to say something, so i started to recite the gettysburg address. well, everyone screamed. - diane. - but professor hart didn't bat an eye. he just let me go right on and
wilbur! there we are. see how this sounds, ed. [clearing throat] "dear mr. boyd, "enclosed please find your check for $2,500. "i am unable, at this time, to write a book. my architectural work keeps me too busy. yours truly." what are you doing? you'd better let me write that letter for you. why? it needs style. i want him to think my wilbur is a genius. ok, ed. you know, if you'd been my roommate at college, i would have made phi beta kappa. [laughing] me in college, well!...
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115
Feb 16, 2016
02/16
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wilbur. emmy lou came over to ask a favor of you, hun. mr. post, i know we just moved in, and i wouldn't want to impose on you. that's all right, honey. impose away. well, i'm not going steady with anyone... i'd be delighted. i feel i should warn you my fox trot's holding up well, but my twist is bent. emmy lou is serious. i'm sorry, honey. what's the favor? you, uh, want to pull a hair from ed's tail? mmm-hmm. i was reading in this book called love charms, and it says right here, "if you pluck a hair from the tail of noble steed, "then love will come to a heart in need." honey, you don't mind, do you? i'm going to use it in a love potion. you be my guest. ooh. there you are, dear. oh, thank you, mr. post. don't mention it, emmy lou. anytime at all. thank you. oh. "if you pluck a hair from the tail of a noble steed..." (groans) martha, i thought we had her adenoids out. what hurts me has nothing to do with my adenoids. george, dear, read your paper. what do you mean read my paper? i'm a paid-up member of this family. i have a right to know wh
wilbur. emmy lou came over to ask a favor of you, hun. mr. post, i know we just moved in, and i wouldn't want to impose on you. that's all right, honey. impose away. well, i'm not going steady with anyone... i'd be delighted. i feel i should warn you my fox trot's holding up well, but my twist is bent. emmy lou is serious. i'm sorry, honey. what's the favor? you, uh, want to pull a hair from ed's tail? mmm-hmm. i was reading in this book called love charms, and it says right here, "if you...
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276
Feb 7, 2016
02/16
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wilbur's probably practicing a few chess moves and mr. ed just happens to be standing around. no, wilbur is playing chess with his horse. not only that, the horse is winning. will you ask him to get over here as soon as possible, please? well he has my address. please tell him to hurry. thank you very much. winnie, it was no joke. i know what i saw. wilbur was playing chess with his horse! winnie, have i ever lied to you? -no, dear. -have i ever played pranks on you? -no, dear. -then you do believe what i was telling you. no, dear. hello, mr. post. oh, hello, dr. howard. thanks very much for coming over. what's the matter? uh, my horse seems to have a toothache. mhm. well, that's very unusual. horses rarely have any trouble with their teeth. yeah, well, he's been eating an awful lot of sugar lately. you see, i'm afraid ed has a sweet tooth. -what happened to my instrument bag? -huh? ed! give me that bag. you stop being such a baby. gee! -sorry, doctor. -where we he going with my bag? oh. probably to bury it in the backyard. he's a terrible patient. now i've seen everything. it'
wilbur's probably practicing a few chess moves and mr. ed just happens to be standing around. no, wilbur is playing chess with his horse. not only that, the horse is winning. will you ask him to get over here as soon as possible, please? well he has my address. please tell him to hurry. thank you very much. winnie, it was no joke. i know what i saw. wilbur was playing chess with his horse! winnie, have i ever lied to you? -no, dear. -have i ever played pranks on you? -no, dear. -then you do...
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114
Feb 22, 2016
02/16
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mr. post. turkey? what turkey? oh, you phoned and ordered a turkey an hour ago. (wilbur stuttering) turkey? what turkey? and two quarts of cranberry sauce and five bunches of carrots. cranberries and five bunches of, of carrots? mr. post, don't you want this turkey? well, as long as you're here. never mind. this is one turkey that will not be left at the post. take it back, henry. (door closing) heh-heh, that's very good, left at the post. quick as a flash, too. i tell you. you really had me fooled with that phone call. now, look, carol, i don't want any arguments. (ed barking like a dog) now cut that out. if there's anything i can't stand, it's a wise guy horse. me, too. i'm glad i'm a cocker spaniel. (barking) why did you order that turkey without my permission? i would have had it all set with carol, if you hadn't phoned the butcher. ah, me and my big mouth. i'm afraid your big mouth will be eating by itself. but, wilbur, you're my family, and we ought to be together on my holiday. your holiday? sure! if it wasn't for a horse, there wouldn't be any thanksgiving. what are you talking about? what did a
mr. post. turkey? what turkey? oh, you phoned and ordered a turkey an hour ago. (wilbur stuttering) turkey? what turkey? and two quarts of cranberry sauce and five bunches of carrots. cranberries and five bunches of, of carrots? mr. post, don't you want this turkey? well, as long as you're here. never mind. this is one turkey that will not be left at the post. take it back, henry. (door closing) heh-heh, that's very good, left at the post. quick as a flash, too. i tell you. you really had me...
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104
Feb 2, 2016
02/16
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wilbur post-- p-o-s-t. post. mm, what a handsome man. sure wish i weren't married. right in there, mr. post. thank you, ma'am. and this isn't even my district. how do you do? (whispering) ed, get back! i want to vote. ed, don't be silly. i want to vote. listen, ed, please. let's compromise, wilbur. that would be illegal. ever hear of a split ticket? ed, for the last time... please, wilbur, let me vote on one proposition. okay. vote "yes" or "no" on this one. "whereas, the city water supply has been proven inadequate "to supply the constituency from its normal sources "as provided in article 4, section 3 "of the amended charter of 1938, "it is hereby proposed the influx be diverted "so as to supply the aforesaid constituency "in the manner described above." how do you want to vote, ed? yes or no? -i just remembered something. -what? i'm not old enough to vote. ed, it really worked. we had a hundred percent turnout. you got to hand it to roger. he made it all possible. personally, he'll never get my vote. why don't you like roger? too complicated to explain. well, he did a wonderful thing for the community, ed.
wilbur post-- p-o-s-t. post. mm, what a handsome man. sure wish i weren't married. right in there, mr. post. thank you, ma'am. and this isn't even my district. how do you do? (whispering) ed, get back! i want to vote. ed, don't be silly. i want to vote. listen, ed, please. let's compromise, wilbur. that would be illegal. ever hear of a split ticket? ed, for the last time... please, wilbur, let me vote on one proposition. okay. vote "yes" or "no" on this one. "whereas,...
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Feb 16, 2016
02/16
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wilbur. emmy lou came over to ask a favor of you, hun. mr. post, i know we just moved in, and i wouldn't want to impose on you. that's all right, honey. impose away. well, i'm not going steady with anyone... i'd be delighted. i feel i should warn you my fox trot's holding up well, but my twist is bent. emmy lou is serious. i'm sorry, honey. what's the favor?
wilbur. emmy lou came over to ask a favor of you, hun. mr. post, i know we just moved in, and i wouldn't want to impose on you. that's all right, honey. impose away. well, i'm not going steady with anyone... i'd be delighted. i feel i should warn you my fox trot's holding up well, but my twist is bent. emmy lou is serious. i'm sorry, honey. what's the favor?
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Feb 3, 2016
02/16
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please, wilbur, let me just look in and say good morning. ed, you shouldn't. why not? she is practically mrs. ed. well, i guess andy won't mind. are you decent? (ed) who's that? must be sabrina's mother. or grandmother. no. that's sabrina. see, women just don't look their best in the mornings. she looks so old. she's 18 if she's a day. no, she's not that old. no? well, i'll bet there's a set of teeth in that bucket of water. ed, stop talking like that. come to think of it, she only chews soft oats. like i said, we just caught her at a bad time. look what's hanging on the wall. her girdle. that 's just... by golly, it does look like a girdle, doesn't it? no, it's just a wide-belly cinch. uh, you know, i think i better leave andy a $50 deposit. hold it! you're not sticking me with that beast. ed! ed, come back with my wallet. poor old robespierre. what a shock he's in for. [chuckling] you're late for work. you grab your 10-gallon jug of coffee, and back out of the garage. right into your wife's car. with your wife watching. she forgives you... eventually. your insurance company, not so much. t
please, wilbur, let me just look in and say good morning. ed, you shouldn't. why not? she is practically mrs. ed. well, i guess andy won't mind. are you decent? (ed) who's that? must be sabrina's mother. or grandmother. no. that's sabrina. see, women just don't look their best in the mornings. she looks so old. she's 18 if she's a day. no, she's not that old. no? well, i'll bet there's a set of teeth in that bucket of water. ed, stop talking like that. come to think of it, she only chews soft...
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Feb 19, 2016
02/16
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mrs. post, certainly. flossie's the closest so far. your turn, ed. yeah. whoop, i dropped my tail. wilbur: now, we'll bob for apples. hey, ed, you're supposed to bob for the apples, not eat them. let the kids enjoy themselves. for he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny there you are, ed. blow out the candle. (loud snort) what are you doing here? oh, this is ridiculous! (women chattering) carol: wilbur! wilbur, what's going on here? uh, i... i can explain. you see, what happened, you know it's ed's birthday and, well, i wasn't going to throw a birthday party for him, believe me. you see, horses have feelings just like people. you ladies understand? kay, you understand, kay, because you know how i feel about ed, and you see, horses can sense what you're doing, you know what i mean? carol, honey, i know how ridiculous this seems. but you gotta see my side of it. i mean, if i can't discuss it with my wife, just... well, i thought they'd never leave. let's get back to my birthday cake, huh, uh, uh, is carol talking to you yet? w
mrs. post, certainly. flossie's the closest so far. your turn, ed. yeah. whoop, i dropped my tail. wilbur: now, we'll bob for apples. hey, ed, you're supposed to bob for the apples, not eat them. let the kids enjoy themselves. for he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny there you are, ed. blow out the candle. (loud snort) what are you doing here? oh, this is ridiculous! (women chattering) carol: wilbur! wilbur, what's going on...
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Feb 8, 2016
02/16
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mr. post that his will would be ready for notarization this monday. [sighs] what's the matter, honey? wilbur made out a will without telling me. oh, now there you go again, carol. just because your husband has been talking morbidly, and made out a will, and carries around a few pills... now remember, i expect you to be brave. now let's all smile, pretend to be gay. wilbur! come in. sorry, i'm late, rog'. oh, think nothing of it, old boy. go ahead. the girls are waiting for you. boy, what a beautiful night. why are you all smiling? uh, addison just told us a very funny joke. [all laughing] wilbur, i'm going to the doctor tomorrow for my annual checkup. how about coming along with me? why, you scared of doctors? no, i just like company. well, now that the cans are all open, shall we have dinner? [phone ringing] oh, pardon me. hello? wilbur, it's for you. hold it, just a minute. thanks, rog'. (wilbur) hello? roger, i can't stand it. i'm going to ask him what's wrong with him. yeah, maybe she should. you'll never get wilbur to your doctor. no, but maybe i can get my doctor to come to him. but, r
mr. post that his will would be ready for notarization this monday. [sighs] what's the matter, honey? wilbur made out a will without telling me. oh, now there you go again, carol. just because your husband has been talking morbidly, and made out a will, and carries around a few pills... now remember, i expect you to be brave. now let's all smile, pretend to be gay. wilbur! come in. sorry, i'm late, rog'. oh, think nothing of it, old boy. go ahead. the girls are waiting for you. boy, what a...
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Feb 5, 2016
02/16
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mr. murdoch? no, not yet, uh, i, uh--uh, well, i gotta pick up a gallon of carrot juice. ed's getting worse. oh, wilbur, honestly, the way you spoil that horse is ridiculous. why, you didn't pamper me that way when i had my cold 2 weeks ago. well, you're not a dumb animal. neither is mister ed. [clearing throat] [grunts] it's still a little red. all right, you germs in there, i want you all out of this horse by sundown. honey, if you could hear poor ed sneezing and coughing, it'd tear your heart out. wilbur, you know i like mister ed. but if he's so sick, why don't you call dr. evans? that trigger-happy quack? honey, no. i mean, dr. evans, he's too free and easy with that needle. i didn't raise my horse to be a dart board. oh, when are you going to stop spoiling that animal? l-look, i'd better get going. i want to get back before the freeway traffic gets heavy. now, don't forget, wilbur, don't be late. i'je been counting on this ballet for weeks. honey, don't worry. i'll be back in time. [sighs] uh, carol. honey, if you get a chance, look in on ed, will you? oh, certainly. and while i'm there, shall i
mr. murdoch? no, not yet, uh, i, uh--uh, well, i gotta pick up a gallon of carrot juice. ed's getting worse. oh, wilbur, honestly, the way you spoil that horse is ridiculous. why, you didn't pamper me that way when i had my cold 2 weeks ago. well, you're not a dumb animal. neither is mister ed. [clearing throat] [grunts] it's still a little red. all right, you germs in there, i want you all out of this horse by sundown. honey, if you could hear poor ed sneezing and coughing, it'd tear your...
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Feb 11, 2016
02/16
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wilbur. don't worry. you'll have other weekends with her. not for me. how much hair would you say fell out, mr. post? oh, i'd say enough to make two or three full-size beards. that much, eh? well, for goodness' sake. i didn't notice any bare spots. well... i found the hair by his hind legs. (whispering) by his hind legs? you don't think he could be losing his tail. oh, i doubt that, mr. post. let me get his medical record. say, why are we whispeng? well, you started it. well, for goodness' sake. excuse me. i'll be right back. the doctor's gone to get your medical record. why were you two whispering? whispering? i can take the truth, wilbur, unless it's bad. then don't tell me. now, ed. we don't know what's wrong with you, but it's nothing. ed, you look great. i bet in the last two months you've put on 20 pounds. but now 1 ounce of that was hair. take it easy, ed. you're going to be all right. there. careful, wilbur. rub with the grain. oh. sorry. uh-oh. what's the matter? here comes a filly i know. hide me. what? that's jenny, an old blabbermouth. if she finds out about my condition, oh, excuse me. i
wilbur. don't worry. you'll have other weekends with her. not for me. how much hair would you say fell out, mr. post? oh, i'd say enough to make two or three full-size beards. that much, eh? well, for goodness' sake. i didn't notice any bare spots. well... i found the hair by his hind legs. (whispering) by his hind legs? you don't think he could be losing his tail. oh, i doubt that, mr. post. let me get his medical record. say, why are we whispeng? well, you started it. well, for goodness'...
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Feb 18, 2016
02/16
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mrs. mccarthy. i'm going to drive mother through beverly hills. would you like to come along? -oh, i'd love to. -good. what's the matter with you, doll? wilbur's horse has disappeared. horse? well, roger, i didn't think you cared so much about animals. i love mister ed. i've always loved him. where is that dear horse? wilbur, have you found him? no. but i think i know where he might be. and i'm gonna go get him. i'll go and help you look. and mother will come along and help us, too. mother is very fond of animals, especially horses. i am? -well, of course you are. -roger. well, i'd be glad to go if you think you need me. roger, we don't need your mother. believe me, wilbur, we need mother more than you know. come, mother, dear. ed: ahhh. nothing like carrots roasting over an open fire. to think we had all this before people came along and spoiled it. uh-oh! okay. this is one of the places i used to bring ed. he must be around here somewhere. i hope you're right. now what in the world... (sneeze) you're right. roger, why in the world did you bring me to a place like this? well, mother, i know you're fond of horses. which direction we should sta
mrs. mccarthy. i'm going to drive mother through beverly hills. would you like to come along? -oh, i'd love to. -good. what's the matter with you, doll? wilbur's horse has disappeared. horse? well, roger, i didn't think you cared so much about animals. i love mister ed. i've always loved him. where is that dear horse? wilbur, have you found him? no. but i think i know where he might be. and i'm gonna go get him. i'll go and help you look. and mother will come along and help us, too. mother is...
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Feb 4, 2016
02/16
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mr. mordini? zelda! i... i thought it was you. yeah, we thought it was you. what's going on here? look, this is all my fault. may i introduce myself? my name is wilbur post. i... i'm a magician, too. i just dropped by here to tell you how much i enjoyed your act. and my wife. and your wife. no. no. you see, actually, and, you see, your wife, she had no idea... i mean, she thought that i was you, and, of course, you couldn't blame her for... did you have a nice audience tonight? (knock on door) yes? man: long distance telephone call. see who that is. so... you're a magician, are you? w... well, no, not actually. you see, actually, i'm an architect. (chuckle) although i have dabbled in the art of, uh, prestidigitation. heh heh heh. oh, you have a nice touch. uh, just a little rusty. i think that elephant levitation of yours is the finest trick that i've ever seen. you're too kind. it's, uh, very clever, the way you've concealed those pulleys. pulleys? oh, just kidding. they don't use pulleys anymore, do they? concealed hydraulic lifts? mirrors? actually, i use a thin elephant, and then i inflate him with helium. of course, i don't believe in levitation at a
mr. mordini? zelda! i... i thought it was you. yeah, we thought it was you. what's going on here? look, this is all my fault. may i introduce myself? my name is wilbur post. i... i'm a magician, too. i just dropped by here to tell you how much i enjoyed your act. and my wife. and your wife. no. no. you see, actually, and, you see, your wife, she had no idea... i mean, she thought that i was you, and, of course, you couldn't blame her for... did you have a nice audience tonight? (knock on door)...
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127
Feb 4, 2016
02/16
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mr. reeves from the golden acres real estate left this commission check for you. uh, swell. well, how much is it? three dollars less than our phone bill. well, wilbur. i didn't go to work to pay your debts. listen here. you touch that telephone once more and you'll be playing the lead in death of a salesmen. what do you want? honey, i'm sure you didn't make those phone calls. i mean, if you say you didn't, i believe you. you didn't believe me a few minutes ago. you yelled at me. honey, i didn't mean anything. it's just that, i haven't been myself. ever since you started work. well, if you told me to quit, i'd have to. i mean, after all, a wife should do what her husband wants. i want you to quit. a woman's place, is on the phone. i mean, mainly in the home. why don't you call the dance studio and tell them you were tired? i already have. then where are you going in that bikini evening dress? you knew i'd make you quit. well, i had the feeling you would. but just to make sure, i resigned. well, how about the last dance, teacher? i want to make sure that she gets andre instead of pierre. last week she got pierre. he did a terrible job on her hair. oh!
mr. reeves from the golden acres real estate left this commission check for you. uh, swell. well, how much is it? three dollars less than our phone bill. well, wilbur. i didn't go to work to pay your debts. listen here. you touch that telephone once more and you'll be playing the lead in death of a salesmen. what do you want? honey, i'm sure you didn't make those phone calls. i mean, if you say you didn't, i believe you. you didn't believe me a few minutes ago. you yelled at me. honey, i didn't...
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Feb 19, 2016
02/16
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wilbur. let's have some fun. i can't. this is the most important assignment i ever had. if mr. foster likes these sketches, i could become an executive in his company. even an executive takes a coffee break. but not a boomerang break.
wilbur. let's have some fun. i can't. this is the most important assignment i ever had. if mr. foster likes these sketches, i could become an executive in his company. even an executive takes a coffee break. but not a boomerang break.