mrs. findlay... look, my remembrance of the affair... the occasion...is, uh, slightly different from yours, but if that's the way you remember it, then... i'm sorry. i ask your forgiveness. i accept your apology, mr. clarke. maude... you know, it takes a big, big man to say he was wrong and to apologize. thank you. oh, uh... by the way, mr. findlay, there are the... figures on your tax adjustment. thank you! uh... mrs. findlay... way to hurt anybody. well...bye...maude. good-bye, harvey. harold. harold. nice seeing you again. oh, walter, it's gone. gone! all those years of humiliation and anger, gone. walter, you'll never know how this makes me feel. you don't know how this makes me feel? how do you like that? what he tried to do to me 31 years ago, [music playing]

mrs. findlay promised. you're right, mrs. findlay promised, and mrs. findlay is going to give you her own money. maude, i forbid it! walter, she has no alternative! she's a little child from the ghetto, she can't go home, and she's too short to play center for the harlem globetrotters. maude! walter! - oh, yeah, ain't it cool? - yeah. maude, if you insist on giving her money, i'm warning you, as your husband, i'll have to take the proper action. oh, what are you going to do, walter? beat me, hit me, like francie's father? i'll--i-- i'll call a cop! ( doorbell rings ) i think francie is entitled to this one chance at happiness, and i am gonna make sure that she never has to meet that drunken monster father of hers again. i'm francie's father. - walter: maude, let him in! - ( banging on door ) - no. - you called my father! you called her father? listen, i'll wait in the kitchen till cooler heads prevail, okay? it's a pleasure to meet you, mr. potter. francie, you're coming home with me, right now. don't you dare lay a hand on her helpless head, you...drun

mrs. findlay, the pizza man's been out there a long time. ere is mr. fontazu? ( all shouting ) where is mr. fontazu? maude, why don't you do a number? walter, i am the producer. i'll tell you what i'll do. i'll go out and make another speech for funds i'm sure he'll be here in just a few seconds. listen, please keep phoning until you come down with something. i mean, come up with something. come on, everybody. let's all pitch in and get a disease for maude. thank you, thank you. mr. formica, that was truly ladies and gentlemen, your response has been heartwarming, and please remember that every penny you pledge goes to fight a malady that could attack your husband, your wife, or even someone you love. pst pst. pst pst. oh, oh, good, good. ladies and gentlemen-- ladies and gentlemen, you have all heard of that famous singer ul anka, huh? well your mystery telethon is proud to present, in person, tonight, on this very stage, mr. anka's own gardner, mr. amiel fontazu! singing one of mr. anka's all time hits. maude, fontazu isn't here! you go and get him and i'll j

mrs. findlay, i'm truly sorry. fishman! don't you know anything about the great traditio "the show must go on"? ? to the left of me hat it means, the show is going on. and now that i'm gonna do the siegfried line, the show will have some redeeming social value. where do i get into my costume? in the men'soom. why, i hope he doesn't get mugged. ( drum roll ) ( jazz music plays ) ? girls ? ? to the right of me ? ? love the girls, girlirls, rls ? ? girls ? around the world, we search for girls to wake the connoisseur up. in this strange maplace, mai present miss europe. the beautyof ourext made is guarantee daze . insctable, to say the least, may we present miss asia. a splash of ethnic culture is a tng we all enjoy. so, for allyou cultur, here's our african envoy. ( zz mic plays ) bothere's no vinism like chauvinism when it comes to favorite types. for me, here comes our own miss stars and stripes. ( drum roll ( ?zstars and stripes rever plays ) ( to the tune of yankee doodle ) ? from every country on this earth ? ?de our pop

mrs. findlay, would you mind-- mrs. naugatuck, will you get on with it?! oh, all right. no need to get snippy. now, there-- now, wait a minute, 'ere. and--and the gentlemens, would you squeeze in just a little bit more? oh, come on, walter. how's this? don't worry, walter. i never make passes at men with mustaches. ha ha ha ha, barry, ha ha ha... oh, you got the dorothy parker reference-- well, of course i did. heaven, i loved it. didn't you, walter? no, i didn't. uch a bad mood? oh, you hit a sore point with his mustache. it's molting. walter, what is the matter with you? barry was just making a little joke! i have made dozens of jokes about your mustache. you just don't like it coming from barry because of what he is. i have nothing against what he is, and you know it. please, walter, you cannot stay here in--in the kitchen. what will i tell barry? tell him i'm whipping up a batch of fudge. that is not-- not funny, walter. oh, mrs. naugatuck, bug off! no respect for the photographer. a female frank sinatra, you are. now, look, walter, we both know what is bothering you

mrs. findlay. can't you see i'm busy? you know, you're making it in the same condition you came in. you're beginning to sound just like my mother. look... if i'm a member of this family, like you say i am, then there ain't gonna be no difference between me or any other member. from now on, i'm pulling my own weight like everybody else around here. and i'm gonna start would you get outta here and let me get it together? oh, wait a minute. here's your money back, damn it. happy valentine. happy valentine, francie. francie, we have both been such nerds. ( sniffs ) ? donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra burner ? ? ain't you glad she showed up? ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and

mrs. findlay. maude: hi there, bert. we better be moving, bert. i want to get there first, so i can get a seat in the back row. what? in case i want to sneak out early. oh. do you two go to the same church? oh, no. i'm church of england. but bert's church is right across the street, so we go together. yeah. what church do you go to, mum? bert, i--i don't belong to any organized religion. bert's the same way. he's catholic. you've no right to talk that way about the catholics. i've every right. i've been to rome. i have. somebody pinched me right in the middle of the via venito. but everybody knows, the only reason that henry viii started the church of england was just so that he could get a legal divorce. now, that sounds like my kind of church. please, come on, bert. you're windier than my minister. maude, i'll never convince you that i'm right and you're wrong, so from now on, you can stay home. but i'm gonna go because i get a lot out of it. it's a deal. to the dedication of the new social hall tonight. it's important to me. or course, darling.

mrs. who? close your mouth, walter, and try to look intelligent. coming! findlay residence? yes. this is from mrs. naugatuck. carol, honey, would you do me a favor and take that up to the guest room? guest room? sign here. maude, we're not getting sleep-in help, are we? sweetie, don't worry. you won't even know she's in the house. sign right there. maude, why didn't you ask me before you hired sleep-in help? walter, i tried to bring up the subject the other night after dinner, and you said, "that's your department, maude. "do whatever you want, maude. and then you burped and fell asleep. you know i can't stand a stranger sleeping in the house, maude. if you don't sign soon, you'll have two strangers sleeping in the house, maude. you look familiar. walter, look. this lady must've been all over the world. bombay, tokyo, paris, rome, brovk, brisbane, australia. well, if she travels that much, why can't she go home at night? i wonder where she's from. didn't i tell you, carol? imagine, london! oh, now i get it. now i realize why you're so steamed up about this dame. you can put on the

mr. findlay. it is mrs. findlay. mr. a much higher voice. >> get your coat and come on. >> what makes you think you can order me around like that henry. >> you are my wife, that gives me the right. >> when he says wife he means possessed. >> so what you told me a hundred times you want to feel possessed. >> walter findlay i never said that standing up and you know it. >> turned the spinoff into an art form. >> hates to hear it called the leer factory. allowing leer to move from show to show like a dervish. >> good times was like holy smokes there is black people on tv. >> there'd never been a complete black family on tv with the father. >> what it made it so unique and universal is we have the same problems in our household and we don't live in the projects in chicago. >> dynamite. >> you want worry your head about nothing do it. $36 in the shoe box and another $6 in my pox. >> you wourkd all night and all they paid you was $6. >> tlarp lot of folks not happy with the show. the black panthers were very upset. and when hue

mrs. findlay. i promise, i will never, ever doubt your word again... duchess. oh, so you've heard that i once married the duke. oh, poor devil. he went down with the titanic, you know. oh, he was, um... don't tell me. don't tell me. the fox hunt was held on the titanic. yes.

mr. findlay is gonna check out. no! now listen, walter, your enzymes tests are normal, your e.k.g. los good-- you're 100% well. so check him out, nurse. oh, by the way, would you order a, uh, pelvic traction for the disc in 839, ten milligrams of m.s. for the broken leg in 873, and a cheeseburger for the hernia in 694. forget it, arthur. i'm not going home. now, walter-- i--i think maude knows about this girl! i got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. everybody gets that feeling, walter. it's the hospital food. i'm telling you, arthur. maude's been acting very strange lately. in her last four visits, it's like being married to an owl. what about you? every time maude comes to visit, you put on that phony act. as if you had one foot in the grave. now, you can't spend the rest of your life here, walter. when are you going home? well, maybe when i finish this shawl i'm knitting for myself. come on, arthur, you said yourself that keeping your fingers moving is good therapy. get out of this bed! no! stop that! cut it out! now, walter, we've got to do something to get you over t

mr. findlay, of course, man of the year. how do you like his trophy? - another thing to polish. his pussycat theater wouldn't give me my senior citizen's discount. (audience laughs) - walter. walter. honey, is something wrong? - oh, for crying out loud, maude. can't you run for some office that's local, where at least you'd be at home? come on, viv. - no, i want to stay and watch the fight. (audience laughs) - walter, how can you not want this for me? this is my chance to do something that matters. - look, i know it's important to you, maude. but i don't want a weekend wife. i'm too old to change my lifestyle. maude, i am not a hermit. i've an uncommon need not to be alone. what about my rewards? where are my trophies, walter? - what are you talking about? here's one, maude. this beautiful home you've created. and in that kitchen right now, there's another lovely trophy you've created. - mrs. naugatuck? (audience laughs) - i'm talking about your daughter. maude, you've been a wonderful mother and a wonderful grandmother and you're a great wife. isn't that enough for you? honey,

mr. findlay. i woke up on the wrong side of his bed this morning. no, mum, if there's a man in your room, there is no wrong side of the bed. is would be without women. yeah, it would be worth it oh hello, carol. hello, vivian. good-bye, vivian. and burn the joy of sex for mother. oh, carol, i've read the joy of sex. if you're gonna burn it, memorize it first. ha ha ha ha! oh, maude! what a glorious day. you'll just never guess how arthur woke me up this morning. vivian, whatever he did, i don't want to hear about it. oh. ha ha ha! well, first, he kissed me. and then, and he whispered... ( panting ) "testing, one, two, three." a-ha ha ha! i see, the famous panasonic hi-fi stereo upchuck test. and then, he put the other end to his heart, and he said, "do you hear that beat, cutlet? that's the beat of love." ( high-pitched scream ) so then what happened? oh, then he said for me to pack a few things because he's got us a cabin at lake george for the weekend. ( snap ) just like that, out of the blue. isn't that marvelous? oh, it's marvelous, viv. so i wa

mrs. findlay, how. if you think that i'm gonna serve, you can take a flying leap into your cabbage dubrovnik. bye. stella! stella, come back! look, stella, we'll compromise! i'll do half the shrimp! tsk. i knew it, i knew it, i knew it! 15 years ago when she came to work for arthur, i said, "arthur, do not hire her. she is not dependable." be a total disaster. it's likely to be the end of my marriage to arthur--oh... that's the spirit, vivian. look on the bright side. oh, now, look, vivian. i promised you a sensational party and you're gonna have a sensational party. but who's going to serve? ( humming, singing ) mrs. naugatuck. i'll lend you mrs. naugatuck. you will? well, of course, it's the least i can do. oh, that's perfectly wonderful. oh, come on, vivian, it's nothing. uh, you mean you really don't mind? mi--why should i mind? who would mind? if you have to leave the room, mrs. naugatuck, it's perfectly all right. just a moment. just a flipping moment. a person can lend another person a book, or a

findlay, you are impossible! ( door slams ) what is that? that's the loving couple sneaking a romantic monent together. mrs. naugatuck, why don't you start the wedding march? good idea. maybe she'll come down by force of habit. ( recorded music plays ) carol: mother, walter, we're ready! walter: ten seconds! maude: this is blackmail! five, four, three, two... you are rotten, walter! you are abolutely no good! you're just no good! you're a rotten brute-- ( recorded organ music plays ) my friends, we are gathered here today to share the joy of walter and maude findlay, two beloved people... soft of heart, sweet of spirit... strong of will, and selfless of soul. walter, do you take maude to be your beloved wife to love, honor and cherish? mm-hmm. you do. and do you, maude, take walter to be your beloved husband? i do. may i have the ring, please? walter, maude, as you know, this ring symbolizes your commitment to each other. place the ring on maude's finger. no, thank you. we've decided not to wear rings. maude! the ring is part of the ceremony. it binds. maude. maude! you are supposed to wear a ring! it's tra