mrs. naugatuck? maude! you called, mum? mrs. naugatuck, mr. findlay would like a word with you. mrs. naugatuck, i'd like to speak to you about your employment. ys delighted to talk with the master. i'm sorry i have to-- the master? you are the head of the house. well, of course i am. uh, now, uh, won't you sit down? oh, no, sir, no. that's not my place. my place is to make the master comfy. there! thank you. now, then, mrs. naugatuck-- oh, excuse me, sir! there... now, one little tootsie, and another little tootsie. there now. that's better, isn't it? puts a bit of zippity in the ol' doo-dah... it's much better. the ol' doo-dah does feel a little zippier. thank you. thank you. oh, it's a pity. but the master needn't worry. he'll have me to pamper him. thank you. thank you. well, it's been ever so nice talking like this about my employment. i've enjoyed it thoroughly. thank you. thank you. and, now, if the master doesn't mind, ot a kettle on the boil. i'll make him a spot of tea. oh, the master doesn't mind. two lumps in my spot. ? there's only a god and a beauty queen ? ? a beautiful

mrs. naugatuck? mrs. naugatuck? mrs. naugatuck: coming! coming! back upstairs, naugatuck. you're not going. i wish you'd told me earlier. i could have gone downtown and picked up a sailor. mrs. naugatuck, the fleet may be in, s ago. back upstairs! wait a minute! come back down here, mrs. naugatuck! back upstairs! i wish you'd make up your minds. with all this upping and downing, i've got a run in me pantyhose. it's obvious maude's upset oh, come on, vivian. i wouldn't go to that party if you got down on your hands and knees and begged me. although you're welcome to try. but maude, we thought we were doing you a favor. maude, we thought you'd be bored stiff. vivian, i stuffed my cabbage for you. maudie, please, it's nothing personal. you just don't belong at the party. it's--it's only for doctors. maude, arthur's right. his parties are dull, dumb, and stupid. thank you, walter. come on, arthur, it is perfectly obvious. walter and i aren't good enough for you and your friends. that is absolutely untrue. now i demand that you release mrs. naugatuck. it's too late to get anybo

mrs. naugatuck! oing? out! but this is my home! it is not your home! it is my room! i don't believe this. our housekeeper has a man in her room, he stays. we get thrown out, and it's our fault. walter, we've just been evicted from a room in our own home. what gripes me, is she did it so easily. one, two, five. she really has a lot of nerve, and i'm going to get to the bottom of it. ( pounding on door ) mrs. naugatuck! yes. i demand that you tell me what that naked man is doing in your closet! beats me. would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi ata fees, helps big time. switch to time war

mrs. naugatuck. it is a brilliant idea. mrs. naugatuck, i love you. i love you, i love you. i meant you and him! crazy americans. walter, we'll make his prediction come true, and that way we'll never have to worry again. ohh! what a wonderful idea. walter, a second wedding! vivian, isn't it a fantastic idea? i always cry at weddings. walter, isn't it exciting? if you think i'm getting married again because of some crazy person's prediction, you're out of your mind! absolutely not! thank you, walter. any man who won't marry his own wife is a pretty rotten husband! vivian! aaah! what? i hold you personally responsible for this madness! maude, honey. oh, walter, walter. i know i'm being irrational, but... oh, walter, i love you so much. you know, i was just thinking about the day we got married. remember? six years ago. oh, it was so lovely. it started with an argument because i refused to wear a wedding ring. do you remember? sure, i remember. you said it was out of date and a symbol of male dominance. oh, darling, every time i look at this ring i realize how lucky i am to be

mrs. naugatuck. the scotch are not stingy. wait, mrs. naugatuck, we are in the middle of a terrible inflation. our economy is a disaster! we must learn to tighten our belts, tighten our purse strings. well, if you think i'm gonna fall for that malarkey, you should tighten your nuts and bolts. maude, guess what happened to me today? comen,ue gu your prunes worked. come on, maude! i'm inmportant! you found a pair of pants that fits you in the seat. no, maude, you don't understand. oh, free! i am free! oh, walter, walter, please. walter... just thrilled! what is-- oh, i can't tell ya how i feel! oh, i--this is the happiest day of my life. oh, come on, now, walter. try to cheer up. maude, you don't understand. i got a call today, maude. i got a phone call from my ex-wife, marta. miserable marta called. now, think... with all the terrible things that i've ever told you about her, what could happen to her that would make me the happiest man in the world? the good year blimp fell on her. even better than that, maude! she's getting married again.

mrs. naugatuck: ? hooray for hollywood ? ? that phony, super coney, hollywood ? better than that. your insurance company won't replace the full value of your totaled new car. the guy says you picked the wrong insurance plan. no, i picked the wrong insurance company. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, you won't have to worry about replacing your car because you'll get the full value back including depreciation. and if you have more than one liberty mutual policy, you qualify for a multi-policy discount, saving you money on your car and home coverage. call liberty stands with you?. ladies and gentlemen-- oh, i forgot, i gotta get on my mark. and now, as our salute to all those carmen miranda musicals, here's carol and the tuckahoe tippy-toe dancers doing, i yi yi yi yi yi yi i like you very much. ? all: ? boom chica boom chica boo boo b-boom ? ? boom chica boom chica boo boo b-boom ? ? boom chica boom chica boo boo b-boom ? ? boom chica boom chica boo boo b-boom ? ? i yi yi yi yi ? carol: ? i like you very much ? ? woo! i yi yi yi yi i think you're grand ? ? why why why you s

mrs. naugatuck and me to take care of you. and philip'll be here to keep you from being lonesome. - you see, darling? nothing's going to change. - [nell] (singing) oh, singing in the rain. singing in the rain. - i think she's been nipping at the milk again. - well, this calls for a celebration. i'll go and warm up some of those veal kidneys you love. - that's a good idea, and i'll open the cold duck. - [maude] mrs. naugatuck, somebody else here is having a big night. - [nell] who? - mr. findlay, of course, man of the year. how do you like his trophy? - another thing to polish. his pussycat theater wouldn't give me my senior citizen's discount. (audience laughs) - walter. walter. honey, is something wrong? - oh, for crying out loud, maude. can't you run for some office that's local, where at least you'd be at home? come on, viv. - no, i want to stay and watch the fight. (audience laughs) - walter, how can you not want this for me? this is my chance to do something that matters. - look, i know it's important to you, maude. but i

mrs. naugatuck and i earned it, i mortgaged the house. you what? oh, come on, honey, i know you don't want any-- you mortgaged the house when i-- honey, honey-- don't "honey" me! you deliberately went against my wishes. i am mad, maude. i am really mad! walter... what are you going to do? i'll tell you what i'm gonna do. i'll tell you what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna make a sandwich this big! that's right, walter. go ahead. go ahead! i mean, who cares if you've already had one heart attack. go ahead, solve your problem the way your good friend sam solved his. oh, he really came up with a great solution, didn't he. oh, sweetie, you forgot the mozzarella cheese. ah, ar-- i mean, since you're going to kill yourself anyway, it's a great artery clogger. are at home, laughing hysterically over the way sam solved his problems. i don't want any lectures, maude! if i wanna kill myself, that's my business! but while you're killing yourself, walter, you're also killing me. now listen, maude. i'm a man, a man who has never taken anything from anybody and a man who

mrs. naugatuck, you'll have to excuse mr. findlay. i woke up on the wrong side of his bed this morning. no, mum, if there's a man in your room, there is no wrong side of the bed. is would be without women. yeah, it would be worth it oh hello, carol. hello, vivian. good-bye, vivian. and burn the joy of sex for mother. oh, carol, i've read the joy of sex. if you're gonna burn it, memorize it first. ha ha ha ha! oh, maude! what a glorious day. you'll just never guess how arthur woke me up this morning. vivian, whatever he did, i don't want to hear about it. oh. ha ha ha! well, first, he kissed me. and then, and he whispered... ( panting ) "testing, one, two, three." a-ha ha ha! i see, the famous panasonic hi-fi stereo upchuck test. and then, he put the other end to his heart, and he said, "do you hear that beat, cutlet? that's the beat of love." ( high-pitched scream ) so then what happened? oh, then he said for me to pack a few things because he's got us a cabin at lake george for the weekend. ( snap ) just like that, out of the blue. isn't that marvelous? oh, it's marvelous, viv. so i wa