i'm looking at my penis right now. it's like the head of a one-eyed vulture sitting on a wrinkled beanbag chair. no, no. it's more like a pink toadstool garnished with shaved coconut. i'm not doing it justice. mr. watson, come here, i want to see you! (laughter) >> jon: let me ask you, a vulture? have a heard that correctly? a vulture on a beanbag chair? >> jon, now is not the time to be insecure. (laughter). >> jon: so there's no situation where a woman would actually appreciate the preview or sneak peek of a man... not unless it's barbed like a tomcats. (laughter) or covered in racist prison at tattoos. in that case you may want to give us a heads-up. (laughter) but if after hearing all of this you still want to send a photo of your penis, make sure it highlights the qualities women are actually looking for. women want a penis that's a good listener. (laughter) that we can take home to our parents. (laughter) a penis that's protective yet nurturing. (laughter) >> jon: that was an impressive penis. >> i know! >> jon:

(laughter) son of a-- anthony weiner's penis twit just killed mitt romney. no! anthony weiner's penis tweet, i will not allow our presidential coverage to be literally [bleep]. i won't allow it we are going to do tonight a full on political indecision segment. do the indecision open that will-- (cheers and applause) >> jon: dammit, dammit! dammit! the weiner story has gotten into the matrix. (laughter) it's as though politicians can't get any attention any more unless they are sarah palin or have done something possibly terribly wrong. that's-- oh my god, i'm being told tim pawlenty just e-mailed us a picture-- oh my gosh. presidential candidate tim pawlenty has just e-mailed me a picture of his erect penis you know -- (laughter) what just-- wow what happened. i was just-- last thing remember was i was looking at the world's most boring penis. (laughter) a guy can't win. look, i know congressman weiner. as of tuesday, he, i'm sure, would prefer this all go away. let's watch. >> -- return to, withouting on the things i care about. i have been in the story a coupl

we were running low on nick names for anthony weiner's penis. so-- (cheers and applause) that is the big diesel. so congratulations, shaq. now we have time to return to your first love, acting. i look forward to seeing you in the long-awaited sequel, kazam m-2, see it or i'll make kaza m-3. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we will have no more on shaq later in the broadcast. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, this week a lot of stories got overshadowed by anthony weiner's penis. so i-- that was not the version i was expecting. (laughter) >> stephen: i must say. oh, that can go. so i have yet to address the big election news. last week mitt romney went to new hampshire and declared his intentions. >> i'm mitt romney, i believe in america. and i am running for president of the united states. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: mitt romney may not be my favorite candidate but i can say this, he's also not my second or third favorite candidate. (laughter) >> stephen: he's hovering about five or six depending on whether ted nugent jumps in. ♪ . >> stephen:

you know in the old days a congressman had to chisel images of his penis on limestone. and then have a runner take the picture to whichever damsel they wanted to hoar five. here is my dilemma. one, we news based comedy story looking at a story about a snap shot that appears to be an ample helping of penis -- [laughter] -- allegedly posted by a congressman whose same in a synonym for penis. for a program like this the phrase sweet spot brings to mind. [laughter] if we were to have a wheelhouse, this wheelhouse would be where this story would receive its mail. [laughter] get its call. this would be this storyies building address. that would be let's do this story category. the cons of this story is this is my friend anthony. not this but this. this guy is a friend of mine and contrary to the "new york times" reporting we were never roommates but 25 years ago he and some friend of mine from college had a house at dewey beach think jersey shores meets yentl. when i wasn't bar tending or clearing plates off i would head down for free loaders weekend. jonny doesn't chip in th

y penis like the front of my hand that i use to get to know my penis. [laughter] so i don't know what's going on here. i don't know how this thing's going the play out, but obviously we'll keep you appear appear -- appear nis of any new things going on. >> day three of sarah's one nation us with tour, she met with donald trump on his home turf right here in new york city. >> jon: oh, my god, she's here! she's in the house? with him? wow, this brings up so many questions. whose name will they put on the vehicle they travel in? hmmm. will they call it trailing palump? what will they call it. so trump's showing palin the town. i'm sure he took her to some savvy place like the trump all you can eat caviar, trump foie gras cafeteria, where you're guaranteed to contract gout, the disease of kings. >> do you feel broke? they went out for a slice of pizza in new york's times square. >> >> jon: slice of pizza. respect. >> the place is called famous famiglia pizza, an albanian chain of pizzeria. [laughter] >> jon: what? famous famiglia is on 50th an broadway. i'v

i need to go beyond a man's penis in order to fix a country. i have major issues. how do we get the catharsis of truth. >> accused of basically embezzling at least $60,000 of government money, a lot more money, i won't say details because i don't know them all, but that's the thing where you hold politicians accountable. one of the ways you do it is you just say look, this is not okay. even if you apologize and you're wrong. if you are abusing the public trust -- i don't see him abusing the public trust. >> last comment because we are almost out of time. today has been by far the most bizarre and perhaps novel and interesting television program i've ever been a part of. and i've done many. i believe we may have invented collectively a new genre of political programming that is one part extraordinary titillating and

. >> somebody ask you if that's a picture of your penis, you say no or you say yes. >> i think it was really great. i think he didn't make his wife stand up there with him. >> while congressman weiner was preparing his apology, brightbart claimed he was a victim. >> essentially hijacking the press conference. >> i'm here for clarification. >> things that are much more cons kweshl than a man's penis. >> sarah palin is still victimizing american history. >> speaking of great americans -- >> dchds her paul revere comments. >> you realize you messed up about paul revere. >> i didn't mess up about paul revere. >> ringing those bells and making sure as he's riding his horse through town -- >> paul revere was warning the british. >> he did warn the british. >> i totally, you have an answer. >> washington was crossing the de to bomb an abortion clinic. >> how does palin feel about victimizing mitt romney? >> she obviously stepped all over mitt romney's announcement. >> i apologize if i stepped on any of that pr that mitt romney needed or wanted. >> chris wallace even seemed a little mused by

let me tell you my war story. >> is that on the penis wheel?> that thing is much sharper than it looks. >> it brings up a point, you know, you're living a life that is so beyond in comparison to what we can imagine and then this story comes up in abbottabad. how do you readjust to civilian life. are you a chiropractor now. you picked your life up and have done that. but how have you been able to readjust to sort of this idea that you are living like a normal citizen? >> you know what, and that's a great question and a lot of what the book is about. anybody who buys this book, it's not a war story book, not a warmongering book. it's about overcoming adversity, overcoming adversity in my early life and then the question you just went into. the lowest point of my life, john, was after getting shot three times, going through a divorce, thinking i was weak because looking back with my doctor had on now, not realizing i had post traumatic stress and this other thing called survivor's guilt that i didn't find out about until years later. why i was all

this could be a penis. it could also be a submarine or a bright white-- great white shark or even lady liberty. the possibilities are endless. (laughter) >> stephen: all it takes is imagination and the graphics depart that won't sue you for sexual harassment. i mean the man is clearly a victim and yet congressman wien certificate to the asking for any special treatment. >> and i want to make it clear. this is in my view not a federal case. just because it happened to congressman weiner on his personal account doesn't mean that the taxpayers should pay for some big investigation of this that winds up going on and on for years. >> stephen: i admire the fiscal discipline it takes to resist launching a federal investigation of his groin. but folks there is something more important at stake here. just listen to bill o'reilly. >> the pentagon now says computer sabotage coming from another country can constitute an act of war. we cannot stand by and allow members of congress to be attacked by cybercriminals. the f

and you give the dimension of your penis. that's not sexual? >> just b.s. talk. >> just b.s.alk. >> to me it was. >> so that b.s. talk got you sentenced to prison once already. and less than a week before you're supposed to go to court and prison, you are here in this house trying to meet a 13-year-old girl home alone. >> i'm stupid. i'm weak. it's just this -- i have no intentions of having sex with her. >> how can you say that? >> that's what it says, but i didn't. >> why should i believe that? >> because i'm telling you the truth. >> you didn't tell me the truth when you answered the first six questions i asked. you lied then. >> no, i didn't plan on having sex. >> well, come on. what did you plan on doing? >> i was just going to plan on meeting her saying hi, how are you doing and that's it. >> and that's it? >> that's it. >> less than a week before you're supposed to go to court where you're probably going to be designated a registered sex offender, then you're going to go to prison. >> that's correct. >> for 11 months. >> that's correct. >> after pleading guilty to soli

we got this -- we got a penis story. >> jimmy: ding, ding, ding!einer. >> well, yes. even members of the media figured that one out. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that was like comedy gold. >> seriously. well, you know. >> jimmy: but i mean, how long do you think -- >> and you know what's next? right? >> jimmy: no. >> something with john boehner. >> jimmy: yeah. >> john boehner? >> jimmy: yeah. >> b-o-e-h-n-e-r. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. you got to spell it correctly. >> you know what his nickname is? his nickname is boner. >> jimmy: boner. yeah, yeah, yeah. >> he answers to that. >> jimmy: does he really? [ light laughter ] >> uh-huh. all sorts of rumors about him, too. >> jimmy: no. >> you're welcome. >> jimmy: no!? >> oh, yes. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> for a long time. for a long time. >> jimmy: really? >> oh, yeah. just the ordinary stuff but they may not be art, as they say. >> jimmy: yeah, you need to have -- oh, really? >> oh, yes. >> jimmy: that's interesting. >> oh, yeah. widespread for a long time. >> how long do you think until anthony weiner gets his