i, ney, all men are forced to ask ourselves, what gender is my penis-- penis. i have always identified as hafing a male penis. but it turns out i could be swinging lady junk. (laughter) and if so, is my penis a lesbian because she definitely has an eye for the ladies. now next up, next up on tippy tippy wagerman, folks, if you follow the news you know that benn gazee has been blown up again because of a scandalous new memo linking the obama administration directly to things said by members of the obama administration. and fox news's the fiferx the eric bolling has an ironclad explanation for why they did whatever it is we're accusing them of having done after the benghazi attack. >> one more piece to this don't forget this was prior, prior to osama bin laden being taken down. and the thought was and the discussion was, ask president obama going into the re-election soft on terror or not. >> a lot of people are saying it was after. >> much after. >> was it after. >> yeah, yeah, yeah,. >> my bad, i take it back. >> a great point if it were true. >> yes. that's un

he was found guilty of drawingiñ a penis on his face.ana we will see popcorn instead of penis. he passed out with his shoes on and a big, magestic popcorn on his mug. he stormed up with the popcorn on his face and began punching leaving him with a broken nose. the roommate testified that it was a house rule. if you fell asleep with your shoes on you have a popcorn drawn on you. watt stone who was unaware of that rule was senáenced to a $1250 fine. can you blame him? what would you do if you woke up with popcorn on your face? >> i don't know how you read those things without laughing. isn't a prank a prank? what has happened to these young people that we know about these things? before you would have basically hung your head in shame waited until it faded jie. this is relatively a new thing. i never had -- i think this is one of those pranks that accompanied the rise of cell phones. people weren't writing on their faces like 15 years ago. it started in evening land. it started in england. >> this story is sad for me in a lot of ways. >> s

he saw it. >> you had your penis out indecently exposed.served patterson masturbating on you, after you were standing there talking to him five minutes earlier. you don't have to see him. anyone could have seen him. officer johnson saw it. officer mcrory saw it, so that being the case, he would have initiated this action. it just so happened in the process of searching and shaking him, he had the joint and marijuana in his pocket. >> so now what? >> he'll be placed in ad segregation and then we'll have a hearing, a disciplinary hearing for both charges. he will either be found guilty and given sanctions or found not guilty and released back to pop. >> another day in seg? >> another day in seg. >> meanwhile, anthony's writing partner eric just got word of the incident. >> what happened to your writing partner? >> oh, guys are telling me that you know your homeboy going to jail, your partner? right? i'm like what? they got me feeling crazy. i feel bad. that's my partner. we're like brothers. we do everything together. i won't see him for the

so if you congressmen want to cut out the middleman, just show him your penis. not now. [laughter] those are my warm-up jokes. i am kidding. i want to leave you tonight with a bit of a pep talk. america has seen her share of challenges, but as my agent told me when i booked an abc sitcom, "things could be worse." have you watch the news? not cnn, the real news. it is pretty bad in other places. by comparison, america is doing great. this year, after months of debate and controversy, we have achieved something that has impact the health of millions, we brought back wiki's. we are not the fattest country in the world, mexico is. don't worry, we will be the fattest country once everyone comes over here. [laughter] of i havecan sense not been back to the village at so don't tell me you survive the drone strike. [laughter] america still has amazing technological innovations. google glasses hit the market. now we will know exactly who to punch in the face. [laughter] in america, we see gluten in peanuts as a threat. and other countries, gluten and peanuts are the names of warl

pardon my coarse language and vulgar articulation, i merely went to say i would like to introduce my penislaughter ] surely after this piece of unmayoral like behavior on top of alcoholism and crack addiction and the making of his city into a mockery of global scale rob ford has to admit his political rear is done. >> he lanes to -- his attorney says he plans to stay in the mayoral race. [laughter] >> jon: but all joking aside -- [ applause ] -- no i think it's good he is taking time to get the help he so clearly needs. hopefully for toronto they'll have a chance to have a more competent mayor. i believe the deputy mayor takes over for him. it's rhubarb lady. >> tells nobody (bleep) your business. >> jon: that should be great. [ laughter ] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ gigantic, gigantic, gigantic ♪ a big, big love ♪ gigantic, gigantic, gigantic ♪ a big, big love ♪ ♪ that's why i got a new windows 2 in 1. it has exactly what i need for half of what i thought i'd pay. and i don't need to be online for it to work. it runs office, so i can do schedules and budgets and eve

. >> he attached a ruler right next to his penis. >> you could tell rebecca was trying real hard. she was lonely. >> investigators were fairly certain these e-mails were from the man with rebecca and fred at the bar on the night of their murders. >> this is my ten-inch cowboy is how i think she referred to him at the bar. certainly a material witness to perhaps the last hour or hours of the lives of fred and rebecca barney. >> the cowboy had also provided this picture, but since he was wearing sunglasses, there was no way to identify hymn. investigators turned to the tulsa police cyber crimes unit. >> i'd venture to say every crime that occurs these days probably has a digital component. there's probably going to be some kind of communication on the internet or cell search. >> a court authorized search revealed the screen name met someone new online just three days before the murders. wild ivy. >> they find out who wild ivy is. it's becky. >> cowboyforyou67 was identified as james kidwell, a31-year-old computer science guy. >> he was divorced, money issues, and living at home. >>

so if you congressmen want to cut out the middleman, just show him your penis. not now.[laughter] those are my warm-up jokes. i am kidding. i want to leave you tonight with a bit of a pep talk. america has seen her share of challenges, but as my agent told me when i booked an abc sitcom, "things could be worse." have you watch the news? not cnn, the real news. it is pretty bad in other places. by comparison, america is doing great. this year, after months of debate and controversy, we have achieved something that has impact the health of millions, we brought back wiki's. we are not the fattest country in the world, mexico is. don't worry, we will be the fattest country once everyone comes over here. [laughter] of i havecan sense not been back to the village at so don't tell me you survive the drone strike. [laughter] america still has amazing technological innovations. google glasses hit the market. now we will know exactly who to punch in the face. [laughter] in america, we see gluten in peanuts as a threat. and other countries, gluten and peanuts are the names of warlo

can we pull up the gigantic penis. >> this is a guy, one of the last remain rebels.sed weed willer to make tess tau cals and a shaft. in florida he was banned from attending. >> it is like individualable link. it takes awhile. >> that was a piece of art that showed his gee geometry skills. >> that must have been hard to do. >> a good one. >> he gets an a for inventive and c minus for execution. >> and it was kind of crook cede. >>> according to a report there is a new form of infidelity that is sweeping the country faster than something that is fast. it is called text-cheating. it happens when chatting on-line when you smeks -- texts somebody and it is what they call emotional 6. explains one so-called sprert quote truly the question is are you content? you are not sharing it with your partner. always share with your parents. it goes back to the japanese qata a r thing. is it culture or definitively bad? flirting has gone on for 42 years now. jono, i choose you. is this in the same category of flirting? >> i think that women are more upset by men who emotionally chea

. >> penis substitute. >> okay. >> that was great. >> that's perfect. >> that's how we're going to end million ways to die in the west" from our sister company universal pictures hits theaters this friday. >> actress toni collette is in the house. >> and if you hear a phone ring pick it up, it may be us. >> but probably not. we're going to be surprising our fan of the week right after this. we really wanted to take a relaxing trip to florida. you know? just to unwind. but we can only afford one trip this year, and his high school reunion is coming up in seattle. everyone's going. then we heard about hotwire... and realized we could actually afford to take both trips. [woman] see, when really nice hotels have unsold rooms, they use hotwire to fill them. so we got our 4-star hotels for half price. i should have been voted "most likely to travel." ♪ h-o-t-w-i-r-e ♪ hotwire.com save big on car rentals too, from $11.95 a day. ugh. heartburn. did someone say burn? try alka seltzer reliefchews. they work just as fast and taste better than tums smoothies assorted fruit. mmm. amazing. yeah, i g

like clean up your -- i was being generous about your clean penis. >> can somebody put joanne on camera? >> one of the rules 1* it is okay to have sex or masterbate in the bathroom. this guy is ou. >> i have never heard. >> don't ask for samples. >> i never heard of free samples. >> it is like baskin and robins. >> i am not one of the awful hipsters who drink craft beers. they are always asking for samples. >> i know exactly. >> one thing i can't believe you didn't bring up is he wants people to tip. >> i don't want your blood money. >> is it wise to apologize? there is a crazy slash awesome report that bill clinton may say he is sorry to his wife and monica lieu lewinski which makes us wonder -- >> is this real? reporter michael sneed hears bill clinton may opt for 5mea-culpa. they blame her for protecting a husband who is a sexual predator. as "red eye reported, monica lewinski says she deeply regrets the affair. money gnaw -- moynahan, there is no way this is real, right? >> his -- rumblings are pretty spot on, but i don't know why he would bring up the fact he brought up sex with th

. >> having your penis out indecently exposed. >> while the indecent exposure and possession of marijuana landed him in seg, today anthony is just the subject of a random cell search. >> found a couple of newspapers. other than that, i didn't have anything illegal really. so i think i'm good. i don't think i'm going to get any more write-ups or nothing, i don't think. i don't know. but i hope not. yeah, i hope not. >> since officers don't find any contraband in his cell, anthony won't receive any additional time on his one-year sentence in ad seg. another cell search produces a familiar face to our crew. the last time we saw terry moore, he was being locked up for stabbing another inmate. >> move. >> it's not my first stab. it's not the first time i ever stuck, so -- >> after a full morning of cell searches, the officers' diligence pays off and more so. >> he done smoked all the tobacco. that's all he had left as far as the tobacco goes. and he had these rolling papers. did you all find that much over there? >> small amount. all right. it's tobacco. write him a disciplinary? >> yeah. >> i

founder of twitter is here so any of yu congressman want to cut out the middle man just show him your penis. not now. are you nuts? those are my warm up jokes i am kidding. i want to leave you with a bit of a pep talk. america has seen her share of challenges but as my agents told me when i booked an nbc sitcom, things could be worse. have you watched the news? i mean, not cnn i mean real news. it's pretty bad in other places. by america is doing great. this year, after months of heated debate and controversy, we achieved something that will impact the health of millions. we brought back twinkies. ask we're no longer the fattest country in the world. now, mexico is. but don't worry. we'll be number one again as soon as they all come over here. and what is our biggest concern as americans? tv show spoilers in other countries a spoiler consists of i haven't been back to the village yet. don't tell me who survived the drone strike. no spoilers america still has amazing technology innovations google glass hit the street. now, just by walking down the street we'll know how who to punch in the fa

. >> yeah, can i say, the title of the movie in japan -- [ bleep ] grandpa across america, penis on the it. >> the grandpa, american, [ bleep ], yeah, [ bleep ]. >> i learned some other japanese. >> jimmy: what japanese did you learn, johnny? >> i learned a lot. one is some girls have -- but if they get a brazilian wax they will have a pie pan. >> jimmy: is that true? he doesn't know what you're talking about. >> i don't know if there are a lot of pie pans in japan. that's not a bad thing. >> jimmy: our censors are trying to translate what you said. >> i can translate it for them. i've don't think they would look it. >> jimmy: do you get sued a lot? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you do. like for the things you do at work or in your free time? >> both! i have very good lawyers. >> jimmy: do you really? >> sure. >> jimmy: do your lawyers charge you by the ton or how does it work exactly? >> i don't know. yeah, i should pay more attention. >> jimmy: congratulations. i know you signed a new deal. new production company. >> yes, hello junior. >> jimmy: why is it called hello junior? i hesitate to ask.

. >> if women want to go out and no -- go out and be left alone, wear a plastic penis on your head. those are trouble. >> men have hooters -- the restaurant. >> i was trying to think of something. do women have an equivalent of hooters? >> bulges? >> i never heard of that. >> why, why isn't there a restaurant where a woman can go and look at a man's bag? >> men don't allow that sexificat oi n. women are dying for shorts that would show a men's jenna tale yaw, but men won't allow it. >> do you believe that? >> no. >> why do you keep staring south of the border? i will put my notes here. >> for the record, i was doing the staring. >> i got confused. >> that is awkward. coming up, the c block. >> tonight's c block is sponsored by the latest in technology. ask if it is right for you. please purdle ruey responsibly. >> could saying racist things help you get laid? it depends. are you trying to sleep with the grand wizard? >>> she got teased and then she dropped some lb's. a a south florida woman lost 128 pounds and became a hooter's waitress after a drunk stranger made a crack about her

five-paged scrolled letter with the second and third pages completely coated with semen and imprint of his penison the third page. he's trying to get a reaction out of me. and i just answer whatever question he asks and send it back. >> taylor also wanted to get a reaction from any of his enemies who might one day see this interview. >> i got killing to do. you don't get the name double life godzilla for running your mouth. i got a big mouth. but i got a big heart to back it up. you tell them tv personality. i've got people i've got to have fertilizing bushes. i've got people that will come up short, six feet short. if they ever run up on me, i've got people chasing me. it's going to be like that for a little while now. they would rather get aids than to get next to me. they would rather catch ebola than to get next to me. that's what i'm thinking. i'll see you when i see you. probably won't see you in a long time, huh? okey-doke. >>> fleece johnson stirred up more than his share of trouble behind bars. johnson's first arrest was at the age of 15 for armed robbery. since then, he has spent more

. >> my wife laughed at your penis. that made me feel good. >> she should pursue a career in wrestling in the condos. she should get a job at the zoo. >> she thought it was quite humorous. >> it is day please shoot me of -- >> donald sterling's tough week says in the wake of his racist rapt is can selling a $3 million research grant he was making. a spokeswoman for the school says this, mr. sterling's decisive and hurtful comments demonstrates he does not share the core values as a public university. that fosters diversity and inclusion and respect, puke. meanwhile, a detroit news columnist says other nba owners are worried. terry foster writes, "some want this to go away as quickly as possible and they definitely don't want things coming out of their closet. not everybody is happy that sterling is banned. some of the supporters are outraged by the decision. >> that is about as devastating as it gets. >> just because you can do something it doesn't necessarily mean you should. >> it is disturbing. >> i am a little worri

. >> i got $100 bill tattooed on my penis. >> what do you tell the girls about that, man?> it's money to blow. >> while rob by can laugh about some tattoos, others carry a more somber tone. >> for all of my soldiers who ain't survive, i hope they live in the sky. it's from a song, like a memorial peace, instead of rest in peace for everybody, get it for a bunch of people. >> that's my mom's name in the heart with the ribbon and flower and angel, honor thy mother. then i have these praying hands for my dad. it was just praying hands but everything else around it i got recently. my father got shot by the police when i was 2. it was all over the news when it happened. him and my mom started having problems and she filed domestic cases on him a couple of times and ended up and getting them dropped. one day she went to the city county building to file charges and when she came out my grandma took her down there. he jumped in the car and put a gun on both of them. he shot at my grandma but first round was blank. my mom tried to go out and he shot her in mouth. she ran into the c

. >> that's for my -- penis-wise it was great. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think you -- i would say fighthere. >> okay, great. >> jimmy: a sketch pad. maybe you can sketch a nude of james franco, and then by the time we're done with the interview, you can unveil it. >> we'll just see where i'm at when the interview's over. okay. >> jimmy: okay. start with his face. [ laughter ] i gotta say, "neighbors" is great. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: i love this movie. i loved it, loved it, loved it. i saw it with my wife. it is funny, hilariously funny, but also very charming as well. >> yeah, we found that lots of our jokes revolve around genetalia and stuff like that. and in order to balance that out, we have to have emotion in the movie, or else it gets way too skewed towards the genetalia side of things. [ light laughter ] it's like for every 400 genetalia jokes, we need one emotional moment basically. so this movie has like eight emotional moments in it. [ laughter ] to counteract the 4,000 genetalia jokes. >> jimmy: you and rose byrne are a couple. and boy is she fantastic in there. >> sh

except instead of knock, it's a word that sounds like knock, but means penis.seth: yeah, we all get it. everybody gets it. so, i have to be honest, grown-up annie, you sound like you're a little bit of a mess. >> oh, i'm not that bad, seth. and you know what? whenever i get down, i can always sing one of my songs to cheer me up. you want to sing a song with me, seth? >> seth: yeah, sure. i'd like that. ♪ when you're stuck with a day that's gray and lonely ♪ seth? ♪ just pick up your chin and grin and say ♪ >> put cocaine right here! >> seth: that's not -- those aren't the lyrics! grown-up annie, everyone. we'll be right back with anthony bourdain. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ you told us your number one olive garden dishes. now they're part of our 2 for $25 guest favorites! featuring your all time favorite creamy chicken alfredo and seductive shrimp mezzaluna. it's our most inspired 2 for $25 ever. at olive garden. hey, let's talk probiotics. for digestive health? erin andrews? yeah. and did you know trubiotics is a daily probiotic that helps in two ways? it sup

his real name is tee hee clinton-penis. [ laughter ] >> steve: i heard that his jersey number was 69.ghter ] was he -- [ laughter ] is that someone's real laugh? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: is there a wild animal loose in the audience? [ laughter ] you hear it? everyone stop so we can hear her. [ laughter ] that's a great laugh. thank you, i love that laugh. [ cheers and applause ] that's a great laugh. with the draft happening right across the street the sidewalks outside were packed with football fans. so we sent our writer arthur down there to get some opinions on the draft. the only catch was they had to dance the entire time as they answered. we call it "questions and dancers." take a look. ♪ >> what is your team strategy going into the draft? >> so the packers always pick the best player available. [ laughter ] this year they will probably pick defense. >> you need someone like -- like amuro or maybe even ebron if we want to trade up. [ laughter ] >> i think really you should draft offensive line. and if offensive line doesn't really work. i think we should go get a a linebacker.

so if any of you congressmen want to cut out the middleman, just show him your penis. not now! are you nuts? okay. those are my warmup jokes. i'm kidding. i'm kidding. i'm kidding. i want to leave you tonight with a bit of a pep talk. america has seen her share of challenges, but as my agents told me when i booked an nbc sit come, hey, things could be worse. now, have you watched the news? i mean not cnn, i mean like the real news. it's pretty bad in other places. by comparison america is doing great. i mean this year after months of heated debate and controversy, we achieved something that will impact the health of millions. we brought back twin kis. and we're no longer the fattest country in the world. now mexico is. but don't worley we'll be number one again as soon as they all come over here. and what's your biggest concern as americans? tv show spoilers. in other countries, a spoiler consists of hey, i haven't been back to the village yet so don't tell me who survived the drone strike. no spoilers. sorry about that one. america still has amazing technological innovations,

piece together an at&t consumer these are massive decisions and massive he says that are moving my penis forward. plch, i understand you to conducted a hero. and to be debated and questions asked. so as i said earlier, every person in the country will be affected by the outcome of these desyses that are before us. a commission and before us. i look forward to questioning chairman wheeler today. two very important letters. whun sine by more than is00 venture rapt list. they support against and access fee. and the other signed by morgan. is 100 internet companies small and large that support a free nd open an internet. >> with that i'll yield back what i do don't have. >> thank the gentlemenle, lady and they have opening comments. >> oversight is the first week of more nimble. hearing heard lots of to address issues of national important tans. and to insure that commission process focuses jobts. those he's oversight hearing with. when in a way that benefits consumers, and i thank you for coming today. k you for coming today. there's a lot to discuss. in the six he hazardsed the media owner

if any of you congressmen want to cut out the middleman, just show him your penis. not now.idding. i'm kidding. i want to leave you tonight with a bit of a pep talk. america has seen her share of challenges. but as my agents told me when i booked an nbc sitcom, hey, things could be worse. now, have you watched the news? i mean, not cnn, i mean, like, the real news? it's pretty bad in other places. by comparison, america is doing great. i mean, this year after months of heated debate and controversy we achieved something that will impact the health of millions. we brought back twinkies. we are no longer the fattest country in the world. now mexico is. don't worry, we'll all be again soon as they all come over here. and what's our biggest concern as americans? tv show spoilers. in other countries a spoiler is i haven't been back to the village yet. so don't tell me who survived the drone strike. no spoilers. america still has amazing technological innovations, google glass has hit the market. now just by walking down the street we'll know who to punch in the face. in american

this clip and tell me oh here this is the graphic what did you hear that karl rove has a two inch penis i mean is this is true this guy has such a history during the two thousand camp presidential campaign when rove was working for bush the campaign quote featured a highly disseminated rumor that john mccain tortured as a prisoner of war in vietnam and betrayed his country under interrogation and render rendered mentally unfit for office in ninety four he floated this thing that south carolina cannot mark kennedy was a pedophile means bush running against richard for governor in texas if you circulated a rumor that she was a lesbian i mean this is just old stuff or should we be to. go for i think this is nuts. love your persistence with this have you stopped beating your wife now the facts are name me one new york times story that says because i'm a texan and i saw the stories claiming that she might have been a lesbian show me one story saying karl rove did that all morning were documented in his book which is bring i read that book i laughed through out it because of his failure to no

mustaches that these guys wore with these ridiculous huge groomed things that were clearly, you know, penisn you probably had the biggest bushiest -- [ laughter ] >> there's a difference with doing these things on a morning show -- >> i'm sorry. >> we're going to look back and go, aha! >> i know, right? teddy roosevelt -- >> yeah. >> they were accommodating. we learned something about you, you have mastered native-american dialects. >> that's an exaggeration, but, sure. >> for example, what was the native-american word for -- fine? >> mila kunis. >> as i watched this, people would have to watch the movie two or three times to catch those. >> we hope that the movie is filled with jokes that you have to see it it multiple times to be good. >> you seem to have the cat by the tail in hollywood. you can do just about anything you want to. what's on your wish list? this clearly seems like a bucket list item. what else is on? >> you know, it's a bizarre array of stuff. i'd love to do a dramatic sci-fi series at some point for tv. i'd love to do a big splashy musical that puts the same spin on that

over a what is brain fitness to redefine your brain with michael morrison we think of it so brain penis is hurting big only be even most do not exist would be functions required to thrive in today's society so it's hard to not get your own working memory a more deliberate reason i'm because you hear me so the core i believe that we need to be how to be people i'm happy workers you said that we know the brain is more flexible and more plastic than ever we thought possible what is what is that plastic man. it means we have. weapons you know we are going to is going to prove these drugs are on time soon or rein in we are is not really not going to be in the right direction gave me your quote is saying that you are not stuck with the brain you have that you can make it better how do you make the brain better well we're really excited so at the m. and clinics we actually look at your brain we've done a almost ninety thousand brain scans and what we get really excited is if you've had a traumatic brain injury or you've had a stroke or. a toxic exposure doing the right thing diet exercise supp

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gun on your hip it just seems to me like the only people who would do that are members of the small penisgun club. they have every right to do that in states where it's legal and chipotle a has every right to say we don't want we don't want to serve your restaurants what they need to do is remember when they do this the chipotle is turning themselves into the starbucks of the fast food starbucks of the starbucks out of the sas mexican fact that fast casual they're the ones that are anti factory farming they're the ones that were willing to charge more for guacamole because they said it was climate change i believe they caved in to the breastfeeding bringing things in restaurants i don't know there's another thing to worry about but there are several restaurants you can go to get good fast casual mexican there's mo's there's california tortilla i always think where you might encounter somebody with an a k forty seven exactly in a. or you want to go you can go i walked into any fast food restaurant america and there was some guy walking around with a k forty seven or air fifteen i would i w