because, y you know,rom a mother's perective, of course, there is a tendency to want to soften all the horrible things that he did. >> reporter: but as we said, she lives in the hell of that contradiction. she has said, i saw the end product of my life's work. i had created a monste but still inside her, a mother's love for a son she los she hears the final word on the tape. he says, hey, m. i got to go. "just want to apologize for any crap this may bring. just know i'm going to a better place. good-bye." >> he said, "mom." just the fact that he said it meant a lot to me. yeah. released. we're told they've now been destroyed. i want to do is die." then, two years later, the woman who prayed to die is diagnosed with breast cancer. she says during the treatment, something made her try to live and turn the horror into purpose. you have to just sort of say, "i can't -- i can't stay with this level of intenty." and i just want to l let -- i ve to let some of it rest and say, "i didn't ki these people. lan did. it wasn't me." >> reporter: she says she begins a quest to learn about violence a