philips norelco. [ jim ] mmmmm. so, hot. whoo! mmmmm. that is hot! male announcer ] made with real cheese and premium cuts of meat. [ ding! ] ♪ hot pockets! the original 96 calorie pilsner and premium cuts of meat. and that changed everything this led to people counting calories which led to counting carbs which led to counting crunches which led to 8 minute abs which led to 7 minute abs which led to ab masters thigh masters and butt masters which led to the realization that the best place to get a 6 pack is the liquor store miller lite we invented lite beer and the perfect six pack you're welcome sonic has every slush flavor someone could ever want. this is basically slush headquarters. where sour blue raspberry plans world domination. well, not if lemonberry has anything to say about it. ( laughs ) lemonberry, you're already sour. come to the sour side. never! i'll never join you. - lemonberry, you're my son. - nah... daddy. ew, that turned. announcer: refreshment just got colorful with new slush flavors like blue raspberry made with nerds candy. a

philips norelco. bigger than a giant el camino on monster tires.than taking that behemoth and breaking the world bus-jumping record by 2 1/2 buses. [ screaming ] [ screaming ] [ male announcer ] and they're crunchy. [ engine revs ] crunchier than driving through a fine china shop that sells professional-grade fireworks out of the back. ♪ doritos jacked. bigger. bolder. thicker. everything looking good. ♪ velocity 1,200 feet per second. [ man #2 ] you're looking great to us, eagle. ♪ 2,000 feet. ♪ still looking very good. 1,400 feet. [ male announcer ] a funny thing happens when you shoot for the moon. ahh, that's affirmative. [ male announcer ] you get there. you're a go for landing, over. [ male announcer ] the all new cadillac cts, the 2014 motor trend car of the year. >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> i'm not a r >> stephen: tonight a new benefit for collegiate lets. for one day only, we're putting an i in team. then is america running out of a favorite food? or did we just lose it in our folds. and my guest is kentucky

philips norelco. >> stephen: welcome back! thanks so much folks! folks, i want take a moment to wish you all a happy earth day! of course, as every year, this morning i headed out to get my traditional earth day tree. just walked into the park and cut down the first one i saw. but don't worry tree-huggers. when earth day is over, i'll release it back into the wild. i feel especially close to mother earth on this earth day, because we finally have proof our planet doesn't like liberals any more than i do. the greenies are not going to like today. a federal study is out, and it shows costly bio-fuel made from corn is actually worse for the environment in the short term than straight-up gasoline. looks like ethanol may not be as green as everyone thought. ethanol made from corn residue may actually be more harmful to the environment. ha! ha! harmful to the environment. trying is pointless! you see, according to the first environmental study, that i've enjoyed reading, making ethanol by removing corn leftovers from the fields could actually hurt the ab

philips norelco. >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> apparently there are at least 100 hours of this guy on tape because apparently he told her, you know, tape me because i'm forgetful and i want to remember captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, good to have you with us, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, steve! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much, good to have you with us. ladies and gentlemen, if you can feel the energy in the room, i know these people came-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, i certainly hope you all had a great weekend. i did. i was in vatican city for a little saint-making festival called popechella (laughter) just like coachella, it had a party atmosphere and a lack of contraception. (laughter) every one was there to celebrate one thing, two things. (laughter) >> jim? >> some called it the day of four popes, pope francis and his predecessor bened

philips norelco. [ applause ] >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of look out!out 5,000 customers taking the trains each and every day, safety as you know is paramount. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by med >> tonight troubling rumors about hillary clinton. i heard she slept way former president. then how request churches attract new members. get ready for log flume baptism. and my guest acclaimed document arian ken burns has a new film about the getties getties-- gettysburg address, i gave it four score out of five. oscar mayer is regarding 96,000 pounds of hot dogs for containing cheese. oh, a hot dog made with an identifiable food? gross. this is "the colbert report."

philips norelco. >> welcome back, folks. folks, thank you so much.i hope-- you checked your calendar you will know that yesterday was easter. so i just want to wish everybody a happy easter. but not for yesterday, for next season, okay. let me get things out early. while i'm at it happy labor day, now get back to work, peoplement but sadly recent pew research from the pew research center found that the percentage of americans who say the seldom or never attend religious services has risen. people aren't going to church. evidently, somebody blabbed about the god is everywhere loophole. thankfully, this year some churches began spending money on giveaways and prizes in hopes of boosting atendance on easter sunday. alas, prizes. i mean what else were they going to lure people in w the promise of unconditional love and eternal salvation. they gave that out last year. now folks, falling attendance is worse among men, christianity has become unmanly. a lot of priests don't even have girlfriends. which is why i was happy to hear that some churches have foun