i dream of a day when young women loofa with a porterhouse steak, use a mashed potato conditioner and a manwitch self-tanner. ( laughter ) this is women's history month, goddamn it. and i say it's time to see women as more than just pieces of meat because now we can get them to marinate themselves. we'll be right back. ( cheers ) than chocolate, it's an invitation to stop and savor the unmistakable taste that reminds us that life is delicious. is here -- without all the hassle. bud light lime straw-ber-rita is perfectly mixed with a refreshing twist of bud light lime. just pop, pour over ice and enjoy. and now try new mango and raz-ber-rita. ergens?st pop, pour over ice and enjoy. eww! eww! [ moderator ] how would you deal with them? umm... ninjas. [ male announcer ] no need for ninjas. reduce up to 95% of inanimate allergens becoming airborne from fabrics with new, dermatologist tested, febreze allergen reducer. >> stephen: welcome back, nation. i just love birthdays, especially my own. i can remember them all-- from last year when my wife treated me to breakfast in bed, all the way

i dream of a day when young women loofa with a porterhouse steak, use a mashed potato conditioner and a manwitch self-tanner. ( laughter ) this is women's history month, goddamn it. and i say it's time to see women as more than just pieces of meat because now we can get them to marinate themselves. we'll be right back. ( cheers ) capital letters mean business. or maybe that sign, with all it's mighty force. is nature's way of weeding out the timid. you never know where fortune leads. new miller fortune. undistilled with a smooth finish for spirited nights. an entirely new menu created with your busy schedule in mind. pronto lunch starting at $6.99. handmade italian sandwiches, flatbreads, and our signature soup and salad. starting at $6.99. and all served "pronto!" at olive garden. [ male announcer ] the exceedingly nimble, ridiculously agile, tight turning, fun to drive 2014 smart. ♪ [ indistinct conversations ] ♪ ♪ moon river ♪ wider than a mile ♪ i'm crossing you in style someday ♪ ♪ ♪ two drifters... [ male announcer ] hydration where you least expect it. schick hydro sensitive. w

i dream of a day when young women loofa with a porterhouse steak, use a mashed potato conditioner and a manwitch self-tanner. ( laughter ) this is women's history month, goddamn it. and i say it's time to see women as more than just pieces of meat because now we can get them to marinate themselves. we'll be right back. ( cheers ) [ "find you" by zedd plays ] ♪ [ male announcer ] the night starts with so much possibility. anticipation. electricity in the air. so, when you're ready to turn up your night. turn to bud light platinum, the next generation of smooth. brewed with top-shelf ingredients for a bold, slightly sweet finish. ♪ yeah you always make me go ♪ whooaaa ♪ turn up your night ♪ i will find you... [ male announcer ] turn up your night, and make it platinum. >> stephen: welcome back, nation. i just love birthdays, especially my own. i can remember them all-- from last year when my wife treated me to breakfast in bed, all the way back to that very special day in the hospital when i arrived kicking, screaming, and covered in goo. ah, to be 30 again. well, this week, we celebrat

i dream of a day when young women loofa with a porterhouse steak, use a mashed potato conditioner and a manwitch self-tanner. ( laughter ) this is women's history month, goddamn it. and i say it's time to see women as more than just pieces of meat because now we can get them to marinate themselves. we'll be right back. ( cheers ) [ coughing ] ♪ she singeth as she flies [ inhales sharply ] [ bird sings ] caw-caw! [ female announcer ] cooling and soothing halls air. what are you breathing? we've got allstate, right? uh-huh. yes! well, i found this new thing called... [ dennis' voice ] allstate quickfoto claim. [ normal voice ] it's an app. you understand that? just take photos of the damage with your phone and upload them to allstate. really? so you get [dennis' voice] a quicker estimate, quicker payment, [normal voice] quicker back to normal. i just did it. but maybe you can find an app that will help you explain this to your...father. [ vehicle approaches ] [ dennis ] introducing quickfoto claim. just another way allstate is changing car insurance for good. well, we're peanut butter a

i dream of a day when young women loofa with a porterhouse steak, use a mashed potato conditioner and a manwitch self-tanner. ( laughter ) this is women's history month, goddamn it. and i say it's time to see women as more than just pieces of meat because now we can get them to marinate themselves. we'll be right back. ( cheers ) [ beep ] oh, hey jim, this is my sister, lisa. [ jim ] mmmmm. so, hot. whoo! mmmmm. that is hot! [ male announcer ] made with real cheese and premium cuts of meat. [ ding! ] ♪ hot pockets! more than a new interior lighting system. ♪ it is more than a hot stone massage. and more than your favorite scent infused into the cabin. it is a completely new era of innovation. and the highest expression of mercedes-benz. introducing the 2014 s-class. the best or nothing. >> stephen: welcome back, nation. i just love birthdays, especially my own. i can remember them all-- from last year when my wife treated me to breakfast in bed, all the way back to that very special day in the hospital when i arrived kicking, screaming, and covered in goo. ah, to be 30 again. well, th

i dream of a day when young women loofa with a porterhouse steak, use a mashed potato conditioner and a manwitch self-tanner. ( laughter ) this is women's history month, goddamn it. and i say it's time to see women as more than just pieces of meat because now we can get them to marinate themselves. we'll be right back. ( cheers ) than chocolate, it's an invitation to stop and savor the unmistakable taste that reminds us that life is delicious. matt kenseth, what are you doing here? well, i do know a little about toyotas being #1. [ wife ] we're here to buy a camry. good timing. great choice. it took me to victory lane seven times last year. can i get you to sign something? sure. oh. can you write "you 'da man?" [ male announcer ] during toyota's #1 for everyone sales event, get 0% apr financing for 60 months on a 2014 camry. offer ends march 31st. for more great deals, visit toyota.com. yeah!! yeah!! [ male announcer ] toyota. let's go places. but that grand slam looks so good. girl: mom, with 18 options to choose from, there's over 300 combos under 550 calories. man: kid's a genius.

i dream of a day when young women loofa with a porterhouse steak, use a mashed potato conditioner and a manwitch self-tanner. ( laughter ) this is women's history month, goddamn it. and i say it's time to see women as more than just pieces of meat because now we can get them to marinate themselves. we'll be right back. ( cheers ) [ coughing ] ♪ she singeth as she flies [ inhales sharply ] [ bird sings ] caw-caw! [ female announcer ] cooling and soothing halls air. what are you breathing? little jack's finally ditching the training wheels and hopping on a big boy bike. wait a second. this is the ride of his life. we can do better than an 8-megapixel picture. that's what i'm talking about. a full-hd, 13-megapixel camera with drama shot. atta boy jack. this ride just got 4 times sweeter. i think we know which one of these photos is going to gramppy and nana. ♪ the full-hd, 13-megapixel galaxy s4 with drama shot. starburst? juicedratic equation... super top-secret mathematical formula they keep stored inside a safe... inside a vault... inside a volcano. ohh..."juicedratics." [ female anno

i dream of a day when young women loofa with a porterhouse steak, use a mashed potato conditioner and a manwitch self-tanner. ( laughter ) this is women's history month, goddamn it. and i say it's time to see women as more than just pieces of meat because now we can get them to marinate themselves. we'll be right back. ( cheers ) [ male announcer ] introducing kellogg's® krave s'mores cereal. chocolate and marshmallow meet... [ grunting ] ...inside a graham crackery shell. new krave s'mores. chocolate marshmallow. yum yum! it's an invitation. to stop and savorallow. the unmistakable taste that reminds us that life is delicious. fish. non-specific. huh, never been there. you want great fish? it's gotta be wendy's. 100% premium cod with a light panko breading. now that's better. you get 4 lines onw at&t's network...ilies including unlimited talk unlimited text ...and 10 gigs of data to share. 10 gigs? 10 gigs. all for $160 dollars a month. you know, i think our family really needed this. it's really gonna bring us closer together. yep. yep. yep. yep. yep. yep. introducing our best-ever

steak you got ? a 16-ounce porterhouse. that's a little heavy for lunch, isn't it ? why don't you try tuna fish ? i'll have one of them and-- - fresh cracked crab, please. crabs ? what crabs ? oh, crabs-- - yeah, fresh cracked crabs. right here. - [ all talking at once ] i'm tellin' you guys, i could promote you guys so good... that everybody in the country would know all about the nine of you. ten. ten ! nine. when did they change the rules ? - mustapha. - what's a mustapha ? my little brother's gotta go, and that makes ten. oh, no, no, no. i'm sorry. i wasn't prepared for ten. nine, yes. ten, no. i mean, i gotta come with extra-- where is he ? he's not here, is he ? he's probably under a table somewhere. under a table ? what are you talking about ? - what are you doing there ? - eating this big ol' roll. come on, get outta there. [ gasps ] look how small he is. i mean, isn't he a little small for baseball ? - well, my mother works, and i was supposed to watch him. - well, send him to day care. no way ! what have you got against day care ? you like day care ? i love day care. then you go to da