then you move to sanctiontification, a change that takes place in you and then service. service is how god wants us to use a hurt. one reason we decided to do this interview with you, maybe we can help some other people. >> i feel very honored you asked me to do this interview. you're a mother of three children, it's the worst thing in the world, i have four kids. the thing you dread most is losing one of your kids. how have you been coping with this? >> you know, i've said almost from the first moment that we learned, that we're devastated but we're not destroyed. when people ask that question how are you? there's no good answer. so i finally just settled on, i'm terrible but i'm kay. in other words, we're going to survi survive, we're going to survive and some day we'll thrive again. it is. it's the worst thing that could ever happen. >> i have cried every single day since matthew died. that's actually a good thing. grief is a good thing. it's the way we get through the transitions of life. i find if i don't cry, then you stuff it. i have a saying, when i swallow my em