we felt powerless and santita and it was very difficult to understand little because martin also has a lot of humor and a joyful side. yeah. and i feel it was really difficult for us as a parent if i could be and we had feelings of guilt if i think of on have you start wondering what you did wrong what did you see it's not easy to accept the science while last. the next day martin took a lethal mixture of sleeping tablets and painkillers. in the why didn't you care about point i just didn't want to have these feelings i couldn't bear the pain anymore. something made me think that i shouldn't do it this can't be the solution whatever the problem is. so i went to the toilet and i threw up. i was quite lucid from that point on. and i called the emergency services. i am now martin knows how to deal with the ups and downs better bathing in ice cold water helps him when he undergoes a setback he tries to use it to find some force instead of sinking back into a black hole. that's what he plans to talk about later today. it's driving me in that case the cold does me good so i wanted to make