seth meyers, "late night with seth meyers."retary sanders, what are the most terrifying nine words in the english language? >> the president will still be here in five years. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: next question. what does trump ask for when he goes into super cuts? >> upside-down and inside-out. [ applause ] >> seth: secretary sanders, did you have a nice thanksgiving? >> i want to share a few things that i'm thankful for. and i think it would be nice for you guys to do so, as well. >> seth: okay, i'm thankful we can use clever editing to make this nightmare of an administration sound silly. >> you're not fixing the problem. you're only making things worse. [ laughter ] >> seth: that's fair. what did eric trump say when he showed up for thanksgiving dinner? >> happy halloween. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so close. so close. when was the last time someone tried to drump -- tried to jump the white house fence and who was it? >> this afternoon, the first lady and barron trump. [ laughter ] >> seth: i

: yeah. >> not just any "csi." >> seth: yeah, miami right. >> seth, so the #suckitcaruso -- >> seth:heck and a penny and went to a 99 cent store and just really partied like it was 1999. [ laughter ] >> seth: there you go. well, thanks so much for being here. >> i love it. >> seth: i can't wait to check you out on thursday. >> thanks buddy. >> seth: go steelers. if you don't mind, bring home a win for us. rich eisen everybody, we'll be right back with jessica ladd. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's a small finger...a worm! like, a dagger? a tiny sword? bread...breadstick? a matchstick! a lamppost! coin slot! 10 seconds. a stick! a walking stick! eiffel tower, mount kilimanjaro! (ding) time! sorry, it's a tandem bicycle. what? what?! as long as sloths are slow, you can count on geico saving folks money. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. be ready for thanksgivingekend at kowith an extra 20% off!sale get everything to cook the ultimate feast throw pillows for a festive home and soft towels for all your guests this weekend at kohl's friends and family

>> seth: this is a true story. >> please. >> seth: about how -- they're tiny. >> okay. >> seth: theredam sandler was doing the cold open. >> yeah. >> seth: so he was just back from the cold open. he was in the other stall. i came in and got in the stall. and just through the stall door, i heard, "hey, who is in there? who is in there, buddy?" [ laughter ] i was like, "oh, hey, it's seth meyers." he's like, "oh, taking a preshow dump? i love it." [ laughter ] and like, even for adam sandler, like he was coming back. he had left the show. he still had to like do it, so. >> yeah. >> seth: there you go. >> makes a lot of sense. >> seth: i feel like we've answered a lot of questions about -- >> that was always a question i have. 'cause, you know -- we discussed, last time i was on here, i was an intern. we had our own i think like intern bathrooms. i never got to see -- i never got a whiff of the stage bathrooms. oh, i wonder how -- i wonder what their dumps smell like. >> seth: it is everything you could imagine. >> great. great, well, that's my time. it was great being here. >> seth: i'm

yeah. >> seth: that's mark. >> yeah. >> seth: who was a demogorgon. >> yeah. >> seth: and so when you had somebody who was in the room. >> right, yeah, yeah, yeah. that was kind of the big difference between the first and second season. >> seth: because now it's cgi. >> yeah, it's cgi. because they can't have, you know, like a person on all fours pretending to be a little -- >> seth: yeah. >> dog guy. >> seth: like, you can't have a person this small in a -- i mean they can't -- they won't let children do it. >> yeah, it's, you know. [ laughter ] they're already breaking so many laws with what they're doing. i mean, compared to last year, it's like i just felt terrible having to -- you know, he's in this big, hot suit. and he's sweating. he's getting, like, water through a tube and a fan when he was like between takes. and then action, and i literally, for like eight hours, had to just, you know -- hit, just -- smack him, like -- [ laughter ] >> seth: like, whale on him. >> like, in the stunt he's, like, sweating and hot and tired and -- [ laughter ] >> seth: was he ever like, "i'm no

meyers. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers.his is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. the white house has announced that president trump will pardon two turkeys at a ceremony tomorrow, despite the fact that both turkeys lied under oath about meeting with russian officials. [ laughter ] a republican operative who is in contact with the white house told "the washington post" that special counsel robert mueller's team is working through the staff like pac-man, which should be of concern to inky and blinky. [ laughter ] according to reports, donald trump jr. spoke briefly last year with a russian banker with ties to vladimir putin, while attending an event hosted by the nra. wait, hold on one second. don jr., okay. putin, nra! i won evil bingo! [ applause ] president trump has still not commented on allegations of sexual assault against alabama senate candidate roy moore. still? it's been two weeks. it usually only takes him 90 seconds to respo

>> seth: yeah. >> it's great. >> seth: that's great.l be a tough sell? >> well -- >> we have one advantage. >> right. >> she is big on the "a." i know it's going to be an "a" name. >> seth: yeah. >> right. >> seth: can i tell you the fact that it's been five of our dogs' names has eliminated it from -- [ laughter ] >> you can tell us that. but it doesn't mean we have to stop hoping for it. >> that's true. >> and by the way, i have another son, who knows, someday, if that doesn't work out -- >> seth: hypothetically if you had a child would albert be eliminated as a possibility? >> albert was my name in her french class. >> that's right. >> i think it's a great name. >> it is a great name. >> hillary's voting for bruce by the way. >> seth: so i want to ask about this. because right now, you know, ashe is still young so it's hard to tell what he's inherited from me and what not. dad, would you say, has a temper, josh? >> oh, god, yeah. >> seth: maybe an irrational temper? >> it's the worst thing we've inherited from him. >> seth: yeah caus

♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: hi, beanie. >> hi, seth! so happy to be here. >> seth: now, i did not know this. beanie, a name given to you by your nanny. is that correct? >> yes. >> seth: how did it come about? >> i had a nanny when i young. my mom was working. and my given name is elizabeth. and she called me elizabeanie, because that's a popular british nickname. >> seth: oh, okay. >> and my brothers are much older. they're like, let's just call her beanie. that's so funny. and it totally stuck. >> seth: wow. >> yeah. >> seth: so you had no decision in this at all? >> no, but everyone was like, at 10 you'll want to be elizabeth. at 16 -- everyone had a different age, they were like, you're gonna outgrow it. and i was like, no. i love it. >> seth: oh, good. well, that works out good. so your brother is jonah hill? >> yes. >> seth: and he has been here before and talked about your mother being a very funny character. >> yes. >> seth: a wonderful mother as well. but you stayed with her recently. she made you stay with her while you were sh

>> seth: no! >> very bad -- >> seth: no! we'll be right back with hillary rodham clinton, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ give joy, geat kohlsght now with an extra 15% off give joy with a sequined sweater the perfect ankle boots or a cuddl duds throw. and when you give joy, you get joy with kohls cash presents for them, kohls cash for you all smartphones are more or less the same, right? but this is the moto z. hello moto. can your phone turn into a projector? because a 70 inch projection beats any phone screen. and they might be bragging about portrait mode. but can your phone go beyond and transform into a real 360 camera? it's time to reinvent your smartphone. it's time to move on. moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. get $200 off a moto z2 force edition. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ the all new 2018 camry. toyota. let's go places. your present from last year. place i bought and the year before that. and the year before that. don't shop like everybody else. shop ebay for the best prices, guaranteed. depression is a tangl

>> seth: no! >> very bad -- >> seth: no!s. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: we'll be right back with hillary rodham clinton, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ so, verizon and google have teamed up on the pixel 2. it's a match made in tech heaven. it's like verizon is the oil and google is the balsamic. no, actually, they separate into a suspension. it's more like the google pixel 2 is the unlimited storage. and verizon is the best unlimited plan. what if it's like... h2 and o? yeah. yeah, like that. i had a feeling that would score with you guys. good meeting. (vo) when you really, really want the best, get up to 50% off the pixel 2 on google's exclusive wireless partner, verizon. sfx: ominous musicshakes. mmm. sfx: boing! boing! boing! sfx: screech tic tac orange. an irresistible burst of flavor. tic tac. go little. sfx: tic tac pack shakes. ♪ it's exactly what i asked for. let out your inner child at the lexus december to remember sales event. lease the 2017 is turbo for $299 a month for 36 months. experience amazing at

>> seth: yeah. >> it was very odd. so the second time was no better and -- >> seth: yeah. here? are you going to reunite us? >> seth: no, no, no. >> is she here? >> seth: no, no, no. [ light laughter ] >> please welcome, michelle obama! no? >> seth: no. so your congrats -- you cannot clap her into existence. so -- [ laughter ] >> yes, you can. >> seth: congrats on your show "the rundown." >> thank you. >> seth: so this is -- how would you describe it? it's like -- you've done three. >> yes. i've done three. i'm an expert. >> seth: yeah. >> it's a weekly show where we recap the week in politics and pop culture as it pertains to a black audience. we're on b.e.t., which stands for black entertainment television. not sure if you knew. [ laughter ] you have it on your cable, i promise you. you don't have to sign in with your race or anything. anyone can watch it. [ laughter ] and it's fantastic. we get to talk about everything from like, blac chyna to trump threatening north korea. it's fantastic. >> seth: that's fantastic. you were in improvisor in chicago, as you mentioned. o

and applause ] >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers.s is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] and that's fantastic. in that case, let's get to the news. after hillary clinton joked last night that she was considering dressing up as president for halloween, donald trump jr. tweeted, "that's cute. she can borrow my donald trump mask." [ laughter ] huh. that's donald trump jr. just a chill, normal dude, who owns -- who owns a mask of his father's face. [ laughter ] i love you, don jr.! [ laughter ] the white house released the official portraits of president trump and vice president mike pence today. and they put one of steve bannon out on the front stoop. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] in an interview yesterday, white house chief of staff, john kelly, said the civil war was caused by a lack of ability to compromise. even weirder, he said that pearl harbor was an air traffic control issue. [ laughter ] i don't know why we ever thought there was a reasonable person working in trump's white house. [ lig

meyers. >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers.s is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. after his visit to japan yesterday, president trump praised prime minister abe and tweeted quote "massive military and energy orders happening, plus plus plus --" what? it sounds like massive stroke happening plus, plus, plus. you know you're not supposed to eat the whole puffer fish, right? [ light laughter ] president trump today met with south korean president moon jae-in where the two participated in a friendship walk which was incidentally what melania thought this was. [ laughter ] wait, what's happening? why is my family here? [ applause ] former white house chief strategist steve bannon said this weekend that he tries to be bad cop to president trump's good cop. wow. imagine what a bad cop you have to be for donald trump to be your good cop. [ light laughter ] according to a cnn poll, president trump's approval rating has reached a new low of 36%. he's s

. >> seth: yeah. i was actually walking through, and i said, "oh, maybe they're not in our studio." and donna said -- the wardrobe person, you know -- she said to me, "no, this is actually your -- your exact studio." we had people come out this way for reasons unknown to me. and then i had to do a little dance and meet them and hug and then run back. >> seth: yeah. >> this is much more streamlined. >> seth: well, we -- this is -- we -- this is our second set in the time we had the show. we started and we did a -- we had a weird swinging stage. we did a lot of things wrong in the beginning, too. [ light laughter ] >> yeah, it happens. >> seth: i had to jump on the desk as it passed by. [ laughter ] >> well, that keeps you in shape -- >> seth: it does. >> -- and your core muscles toned. >> seth: the fact was, i was going to age out of it, though. [ laughter ] >> eventually. >> seth: yeah, eventually -- >> sadly, we all do. >> seth: so you did a show here from '96 to 2002. >> yes. >> seth: do you miss ha

. >> seth: yeah.amlined. >> seth: well, we -- this is -- we -- this is our second set in the time we had the show. we started and we did a -- we had a weird swinging stage. we did a lot of things wrong in the beginning, too. [ light laughter ] >> yeah, it happens. >> seth: i had to jump on the desk as it passed by. [ >> well, that keeps you in shape -- >> seth: it does. >> -- and your core muscles toned. >> seth: the fact was, i was going to age out of it, though. [ laughter ] >> eventually. >> seth: yeah, eventually -- >> sadly, we all do. >> seth: so you did a show here from '96 to 2002. >> yes. >> seth: do you miss having a talk show? do you -- did you enjoy your time doing it? >> i loved doing it. it was like a dream job. but i knew going in that i was more of a sprinter than a marathoner. you know? >> seth: uh-huh. >> and i had a little baby boy who was just two years old. took his first steps, actually, in this studio. >> seth: unbelievable. that's fantastic. >> he's now 22 and has enlisted in t

meyers. >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers.s is "late night. how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. president trump began his 12-day visit to asia on saturday and immediately walked through one of those paper doors. [ light laughter ] "i wanted to make a wrestling entrance." japanese prime minister shinzo abe yesterday gifted president trump a white version of trump's signature "make america great again" hat reading, "donald and shinzo make alliance even greater." and melania gave him a special hat in return. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] according to nbc news, commerce secretary wilbur ross failed to disclose that he shares business interest with vladimir putin's immediate family. not only that, but he shares dna with one of jeff dunham's puppets. [ laughter and applause ] that's right. newly leaked documents called "the paradise papers" show financial ties between russia and commerce secretary wilbur ross. is there anyone in the cabinet who doesn't

. >> seth: gotcha.vah and this was before cell phones. so we didn't have any way to, like, stay in touch. he joined my school in 9th grade and we instantly became best friends. and sort of the way that, like, he knew we were best friends was like the second week of school. he got his braces off and he texted me, like, i got my braces off. and i left my class to come see his teeth. [ laughter ] and i'm such a goodie goodie and i love school. so he was like, i must mean a lot to you. >> seth: oh, my gosh. >> because you left to see my teeth. >> seth: what did the teacher say when you just got up and left? >> i mean i think i was like, i have to pee or something. [ laughter ] i played it off, seth. obviously i played it off. >> seth: that's good. because you're so successfully now, i can't believe you just would of burned down high school for -- to see a pair of teeth. well, thank you so much for being here. congrats on the film. >> oh, my gosh, i'm so honored. truly. >> seth: it's a pleasure to have you h

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: so happy to have you here. >> great to be here seth. >> seth: absolutely"in bruges" just a little bit? >> we certainly can. i hear you kind of like it a little bit. >> seth: i'm a little weird about "in bruges." i'm so -- i talk about "in bruges" so much that people have gifted me "in bruges" posters. that's right outside my office. so that -- i see your name everyday. >> i've never seen that poster. >> seth: you've never seen that poster? >> no. >> seth: no, that was -- it was a knockoff poster. you didn't get any residuals for it. [ laughter ] someone just brought me -- bought me a big copperplate that said "bruges" on it, so this is a movie i talk about all the time. >> that's got to be heavy. >> seth: it is heavy, yeah. did you, so that movie i guess came out in 2007, yes? >> yeah. >> seth: and colin farrell, brenden gleeson. do you look back on that film fondly? >> oh, very much. my first feature film, and like i didn't know what the hell i was doing. but colin and brenden kind of guided me through it, and it was -- we were in bruges, which is, as you

meyers. >> seth: good evening, everybody, i'm seth meyers.s "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] in that case let's get to the news, today was cyber monday, when online stores offered deals for christmas shoppers, it's perfect if you have a lot of people to buy for, and you're not allowed to go to the mall. [ laught ] [ cheers and applause ] president trump on friday claimed that he turned down being named "time" magazine's person of the year, after the magazine only told him he probably would be selected. luckily, he has a 100% chance of being named person of the year by insane chubby golfer magazine. [ cheers and applause ] president trump today hosted an event honoring native american code talkers, and during his speech alluded to senator elizabeth warren. take a look. >> you were here long before any of us were here, although we have a representative in congress who they say was here a long time ago. they call her pocahontas, but you know what? i like you, because you are special. >> seth: this brings us t

meyers. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers.is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. president trump pardoned a turkey at the white house today, where he said, quote, "i'm pleased to report that unlike millions of other turkeys at this time of the year, drumstick has a very, very bright future ahead of him." though i bet the turkey would feel more confident about that if they would stop calling him drumstick. [ laughter ] "you have a very bright future ahead of you, white meat." [ laughter ] just call me jeff! [ light laughter ] cbs news today fired host charlie rose after eight women accused him of sexual harassment. it's too bad, but if you want to keep your job, you've got to get that number up to 16. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] pbs also cut ties today with the "charlie rose" show after accusations from eight women, including allegations that rose would walk around naked in their presence. or, they could just rebrand the program a

meyers. >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers.s is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] in that case, let's get to the news. president trump declined to take questions from reporters following his joint statement today with chinese president xi. making him the first president to do so in decades. i guess he was afraid someone would ask the dreaded question, "can you name that person standing next to you?" [ laughter ] according to a new poll, a generic democratic opponent would beat president trump by ten points in 2020 election. yeah, the generics do great. it's the name brands who have trouble. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] starbucks ceo, howard schultz recently said that despite rumors, he is not considering running for president in 2020. he wanted to, but they keep misspelling his name on the banner. [ laughter ] schultz did say if he became president, the first thing he would do is build a white house across the street from the white house. [ laughter ] that's a joke about starbucks. [

>> seth: sterno., so this was a variation of that using toilet paper, i might say. [ light laughter ] pouring some stuff on it we would cook on that. >> seth: so you -- >> we have come a long ways since those days. [ laughter ] why are you taking back -- >> seth: i can't believe the guy who figured out how to cook over toilet paper didn't make all that facebook money. [ laughter ] thank you so much, it's always a pleasures to see you. continued good work and please come back soon. >> thanks very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: senator bernie sanders, everybody! we'll be right back with music from imagine dragons. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪can't get enough of your love by barry white♪ hey girl, i miss you. i can't wait to see my snugglebug. awkward. when words aren't enough. the magic of iphone x. on america's best unlimited network. right now, get $300 off iphone x at t-mobile. ♪ sourced entirely in france, for a character all its own. grey goose. give

[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers.is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that's fantastic to hear. in that case let's get to the news. all five living former presidents attended a benefit concert in texas on saturday to help raise money for hurricane victims. the only way it could have been better is if there had been six former presidents. [ laughter and applause ] according to the "new york times," former host bill o'reilly paid a $32 million settlement to a legal analyst at fox news for sexual harassment one month before the network extended his contract. wow, you paid a $32 million settlement and they let you keep working there. i guess we know what we can look forward to. [ audience groans ] yeah. it's a bummer to see them both. [ light laughter ] first lady melania trump visited a middle school in detroit today where she began her anti-bullying campaign by speaking to the students and joining them for lunch. meanwhile donald trump had lunch in the white house cafeteria and clapped

> seth: good evening i'm seth meyers.s is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that's great to hear, in that case, let's get to the news. according to "vanity fair," president trump has advocated for jared kushner and ivanka to return to new york due to their negative press. their negative press? [ laughter ] your press is so bad you're going to have to go back to working for your father in queens. [ laughter ] a right wing preacher and friend of alabama senate candidate roy moore said this week that moore dated teen girls because when he came back from vietnam all of the women his age were unavailable. [ laughter ] you couldn't get a date so you went after underaged girls? [ light laughter ] that's like saying, "oh, i only killed that guy because i had laryngitis and i couldn't yell at him." [ laughter ] the fcc released a plan yesterday to repeal regulations ensuring net neutrality. and i just got to say, this is the most -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and i wouldn't have crapped