his name is simon o'leary and he's a journalist on this programme.s flashing imagery and talks about suicidal thoughts and self—harm, which some people may find distressing. so this is where i used to come when i wanted to clear my head. i was 12 and i used to come here and i feel like the only thing i should have been worrying about was getting my homework done, but in my head i was making a master plan to stop myself from being gay. from what i can remember, i started having suicidal thoughts when i was about ten. and i knew i'd never act on them, but it was the idea that i could put things to an end, like kind of... ..in the most bizarre way gave me the strength to keep going. i've come home to dublin, the city which i grew up in. i feel very lucky that my family were always so supportive, but i know they struggled seeing me upset. for the first time, my mum has agreed to revisit these memories with me. i worried all the time. it's just never... in every conversation i had with somebody, you were on my mind, whirring around in my head. i remember

first, when simon o'leary was growing up in ireland and his mum used to say goodnight to him, when he a boy, he would tell her that he did not want to wake up in the morning. because, for years, simon was terrified about his own sexuality. simon is a producer on our programme. he has returned home to dublin to make this film for you. it does have discussion about suicidal thoughts and self—harm. which some people might find upsetting. so this is where i used to come when i wanted to clear my head. i was 12 and i used to come here and i feel like the only thing i should have been worrying about was getting my homework done, but in my head i was making a master plan to stop myself from being gay. from what i can remember, i started having suicidal thoughts when i was about ten. and i knew i'd never act on them, but it was the idea that i could put things to an end, like kind of... ..in the most bizarre way, gave me the strength to keep going. i've come home to dublin, the city which i grew up in. i feel very lucky that my family were always so supportive, but i know they struggled seein