stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: beautiful, thank you so much, everybody. you're too kind. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you, thank you here, up there, i want to say i had to any half -- thieves who are joining us tonight. hope all your attacks are plus two. nation, tonight you are witnessing history so i hope you all remember where are you right now. for me, i'm right here. (laughter) write that down so i don't forget. because i just flew back from washington, and boy, is my everything tired. (laughter) because today i changed the course of america, appearing before the federal election commission to convince them to let me form colbert superpac. the key issue, folks, would talking about my pac on the air constitute an in-kind donation from viacom forcing viacom to report sensitive financial secrets. for instance, that vh1 annual operating budget is $14. (laughter) >> stephen: those bon jovi videos aren't going to pay for themselves. now folks, we've all waited two months for this decisi

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much! welcome to the report. thank you so much. good to you have with us. nation, you know i love a summer blockbuster weekend. i took the kids, brought our own snacks, quick tip, don't let the theatres gouge you on popcorn. do what i do. fill your pockets with unpopped colonels and a dozen cheap cell phones. now folks like the rest of america i was totally geeking out this weekend to see the epic adventure of the eternal child hero in the adoreable glasses who is mankind's only hope. sarah palin. (applause) i saw her in the documentary of her life "the undefeated" also, looking forward to seeing that harry potter movie. apparently that came out this weekend too. they really should have advertised it. (laughter) you know what, you know what, folks, these two would make a great double feature because both movies are about outsiders plucked from obscurity by an old wizard. (laughter) and both heroes encount erre

florence and th >> stephen: well

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: wow, welcome to the report. thank you so much! i got to tell you-- (cheers and applause) i tell you, folks, i-- i love that so much. i could hear it twice a night. nation, the debt ceiling debate drags on and on and frankly both parties have been acting like children. with the republicans saying gimme, gimme, gimme and the democrats saying take it, take it, take it, just don't hit me it is causing problems for both parties. yesterday john mccain attack the tea party for their naivete. >> the idea seems to be that if a house gop refuses to raise the debt ceiling a default crisis or gradual government shutdown will ensue and the public will turn en masse against barack obama and the tea party hobbits could return to middle earth having defeated mordor. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: then-- then mark meckler of the tea party patriots said of mccain clearly mccain has been corrupted by the ring of power. i got to say-- (cheers and applause) i have got to say i am disappointed. this is a monumental issue that coul

>> i know -- i don't know how to put it into words. >> stephen: okay. >> it's funny. >> stephen: don'ton't know how don't try. >> i don't know how to put it into words. >> stephen: shhh. you are both the recording artist and the record executive? >> si, yes. >> stephen: you have cut out the middle man and can exploit yourself directly. can i take to the record executive? >> you want that hat on right now? okay. what is it like working with jack white? >> incredible. >> stephen: i hear he is a prima donea. what is the most exploitive thing you could ask yourself to do? >> probably something like this. this is exploitative. >> stephen: i'm getting what i need out of it. i want to make sure jack white is getting what he needs. >> that is who is doing this. >> jack white the performer would never do this. >> we know who is wearing the pants in the relationship. >> stephen: you seem to have a lot of integrity. what is that worth to you? >> what is it worth? >> stephen: what is your price for your integrity? >> there's no price. >> stephen: why don't you go for more of that sweet, sweet adve

is (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you for joining us.folks. you know, that is really lovely to hear. you know, i am not one to call attention to myself. (laughter) but every time i go to google news and type in "stephen colbert" it seems like every story is about me. (laughter) no, this time it's about my relationship with former godfather's pizza c.e.o. republican presidential candidate herman cane. now, i have been a fan of herman cain ever since i saw his country-rocking campaign launch video. jim? ♪ get on board the herman cain train ♪ >> stephen: whoo! get on the herman cain train! (cheers and applause) folks, i love it because it rhymes. and it's much catchier than "step on into the ron paul shower stall." (laughter and applause) so naturally i was psyched when mr. cain agreed to come on my show. cain is going to be my guest on thursday, july 28. write that on your ipad in ink! (laughter) well, i hope you wrote that on your ipad in erasable ink because yesterday herman cain canceled on me. (boos) it's the second time cain has cance

: yeah. >> hmm. >> stephen: do you have a job. >> i do. >> stephen: i have a job. we better than poor people? >> no. >> stephen: then why do we have jobs and they don't? >> you got me there. >> stephen: if we don't get to see the poor people-- and we generally don't get to see the poor people. >> would you go with me some sometimes and i'll show you poor people. >> stephen: did you bring any poor people with you? i was hoping this was going to be one of those jack hanna segments where you bring me on a baby poor for me to hold. (laughter and applause) >> i can do that. >> stephen: maybe next time. thank you, mr. edelman. from georgetown, university. don't go anywhere, peter edelman. we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) impressive resume. i see you're flatulent in three languages. graduated top of your gas. [ male announcer ] got gas on your mind? your son rip is on line toot. [ male announcer ] try gas-x. powerful relief from pressure and bloating in a fast-acting chewable. gas-x. pressure's off. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you very much! wow. yo

[laughter] thanks stephen. something called the "marriage vow" put out by the iowa conservative christian group, the family leader and it's head, bob vander plaatz. in the 14-point pledge candidates have to first vow "personal fidelity to my spouse." it's essential for candidates to swear to that one. cuz that vow they said at their wedding (bleep). this is something binding -- a pdf sent to you by some guy named vander plaatz. [ applause ] the rest of the pledge defends marriage by vowing "vigorous opposition to intimate unions which are bigamous, polygamous, polyandrous, same sex, etc." [laughter] that et cetera is an essential catch-all, because there's a lot of freaky stuff goin' on in iowa. [laughter] okay? man on corn, corn on man, corn on cob, butter on corn on cob on man. but i know what you're thinking, "stephen, that sounds delicious, [laughter] but i thought you said this pledge had something controversial in it." well, it does. in the preamble to the pledge. here on the first page. >> it says that s

stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: wow! >> stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody! good to have you with us. i got to tell you, that chant -- that chant was so good, that if i did not know better i would have thought you just practiced that. (laughter) nation, i hope you had a great fourth of july. i did. i blowed up [bleep] real good. (cheers and applause) i celebrated with my annual fireworks show. i like to make it big enough to be seen from england. sends a message. (laughter) but enough about me, folks. let's get to the big news, me. you see before the break the fec gave me permission to form colbert superpac and collect unlimited donations. when i merged from that crowd my g-string was stuffed with dollar bills. and i wasn't even wearing a g-string when i started. so thanks to whoever donated that. and the media reaction has been overwhelming. with headlines like colbert superpac pushes the limits of election law. cole pert superpac good for government and good for us, and colbert is a superpa

(crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you! thank you so much. i had no idea that you guys could read cue cards. (laughter) welcome to the "report," good to have you with us, and thank you all for watching our last show before the earth swallows new york and drags it to hell. (laughter) because on friday the state legislature legalized gay marriage. now, i am not surprised governor cuomo signed the bill. it's all part of the cuomo sexual agenda. (laughter) but a new law goes into effect july 24 and mayor bloomberg has already started a new economic campaign called "n.y.c. i do" to make the city more gay marriage friendly starting with some slight changes to the statue of liberty. (laughter) folks, i am not happy for gays that this law passed. i'm very sad. or heterosexual. (laughter) because this law is already destroying traditional marriage. anything goes now. bigamy, polygamy, trig no, ma'am tri. (laughter) the ancient greeks invented it, it's got to be gay. (laughter) folks... and i'll tell you, it can't come as a surprise, bill o'reilly trie

stephen: which ones do you hate?i like the dutch because my husband is dutch. he inspired the road trip. >> stephen: he was not an american citizen and became an american citizen. >> we had kids and he felt like he had to belong because they can take your green card away. he thought after we had kids he had to protect the kids to make sure they had the same rights. i like the dutch, yeah. >> stephen: when he became an american citizen, did he have to stop smoking pot? >> no, actually. >> stephen: dutch people are always high. it's legal there. >> it's legal in california and we're bycoastal so it works. >> stephen: good to know. that's an excellent advertisement for your mom. will you please ask your mom to take her boot off the neck off the democrats in congress so they can talk to me on my series? >> i could be ball. how much money does your superpac have. >> stephen: does she watch the show? >> she's watching right now. are you scared? does that make you scared? >> stephen: nancy, call off the dogs! all right. [la

[applause] >> stephen: crikey. it looks like his media empire might go down the toilet now, and in australia it goes down the other way. [laughter] because yesterday murdoch had to abandoned his 12 billion dollar bid to buy british satellite broadcaster b sky b. we don't get b sky b here because the british satellites drive on the wrong side of the orbit. it is so sad, folks. with "news of the world" gone and b sky b out of reach, all rupert has to comfort him are these few media properties. [laughter] see, that's all. from now on... okay. all right. we'll be [cheering and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. you're very, very generous. i can tell. folks, here in the united states of america, we're under constant threat from forces working to undermine our values. from the gay agenda to greek yogurt. yeah, i'm supposed to take some greek guy's word that it's full of good bacteria. don't trust them. i always stir in a spoonful of purell first. and, of course, terrorists. just because y

] >> stephen: nice!eers and applause] nice! [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks -- [cheers and applause] we've got to get to this news. [cheers and applause] folks -- [cheers and applause] thank you so much. i understand. believe me i understand the feeling. this is how i start my day. [cheers and applause] folks we've got to get to it because america is rapidly approaching a day of reckoning that will have massive implications for all of us. because tomorrow is the deadline for owners of the nissan leaf to submit ideas for the official leaf wave that leaf owners will use when saying hello to each other. [laughter] obama's shown no leadership on this! [laughter] now, as a proud petroleum-american, i already have my own wave i use to greet electric cars. ka-pow. but -- [cheers and applause] but nissan is talking about the long tradition of owners of the same cars acknow

(laughter) i think you can listen now, stephen. >> stephen: say that again. just tap it, grandpa. (laughter) now legally i can go home and watch the show tonight and hear you what said. >> you can do that. >> stephen: i just couldn't be here with you plan. >> so we can communicate. >> stephen: no. we cannot communicate. you communicated with them, and later tonight i will hear what you said. >> i got you. >> stephen: does that make sense. >> makes no sense at all. >> stephen: me either. buddy roemer, thank you so much for joining-- joining me. (cheers and applause) governor buddy roemer, >> stephen: that's it for the report. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

[cheers and applause] [crowd channeling stephen] --] crowd chanting stephen] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. please sit down. [cheers and applause] i know you are excited. the holidays are coming up. folks, monday is july fourth, named for our four fathers: george. benjamin, thomas, and ringo. [laughter] i always check my calendar to find out what day it falls on, and this year, it's on july 4th. wow, feels like it's getting earlier and earlier every year. there are so many great traditions. of course, every year, i take the kids out and we cut down an american flagpole. take it home, put it up, and decorate it with flags. [laughter] not everyone loves america like i do. i'm sad to say. so unfortunately it's time once again for 4th of july under attack! [cheers and applause] little known factoid: they're called roman candles because jesus stole them from pontius pilate. [laughter] no surprise, our patriotic traditions are under attack from the usual lefty pinko nanny state: texas. [laughter] for more we go to ktrk, houston's news leader. >> tomball is the latest on

[audience chanting "stephen"] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome. good to have you with us. folks, sorry about the glasses. sorry about these. i'm just... oh, my god, my eyes are still adjusting. i have not seen daylight since friday because this weekend marked the beginning of legal gay marriage in new york. [laughter] and to escape the force-five gay-nado engulfing the city, i retreated to my underground hetero-bunker. now, i originally bought it for y2k, but i have recently adapted it to "y-too-gay." now, it is stocked with things that straight men love -- a ten-year supply of manwich, all eight seasons of "magnum p.i.," and a dodge pickup -- ram tough! well, it turns out if you're enclosed in a poorly ventilated space, you should not leave your truck idling or eat nothing but manwich for three days. i don't know which fumes got me first, but evidently i passed out because the next thing i know, i'm above ground in the arms of a handsome fireman, new york's bravest. so i bought the 2011 fireman's calendar. [cheering and applause] i bought it as a