stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's right. i have actually never had an audience, i have never in all my born days had an audience chant the word "steve" (laughter) >> stephen: that's a little familiar. nation, you know me. i don't want to cause any panic but fur's not currently panicking that is reason enough to freak out. because our country is under constant threat from terrorists. i don't know who, but someone keeps dumping suspicious white powder on my lawn every winter. (laughter) >> stephen: luckily, folk, the department of homeland security is hard at work keeping us safe, especially the terrorist's number one target, western michigan it is like a mitten of death pointed right at the heart of southern ontario. an islamic fundamentalists you know would love nothing more than to attack battle creek and take out our strategic reserve of frooted loops. (laughter) >> stephen: well, luckily, homeland security has provided ample funding to protect the terrified residents of the

stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. good to have you with us. and a merry christmas, nation. and it is about damn time, i got to say. so far this year i have really been letting christmas down. it's my last week of shows before our christmas break and i have been soarly remiss in my bell jingling, my yule logging and my angel harking so i'm making up for it tonight. i'm cramming a full advent's worth of cheer on to my set. jimmy let's deck my halls, buddy boy. all right, look at all this good stuff. (cheers and applause) i got a great deal-- i have got a great deal on all this stuff. the trick is you take one thing from each lawn you pass on your way to work. now first i've got my wreath down here and of course my christmas balances. actual size. and over there i've got my three wisemen, melthior, balthazar and abominable. of course you remember the true meaning of the season. i have a nativity scene with my peabody where the baby jesus would be. but i want to stress this is accurate to what the manager would look like if jesus had won a peabody

>> stephen: yeah. >> awesome. unfortunately, i don't have that luxury. >> stephen: really? >> no, no i'm not a racist but i see race because i want to identify what's going on and cultural background is very important. >> stephen: we talk about race. we make it, we make racism worse. >> well, i means that's like saying-- what? (laughter) >> i like the way you bind yourself to that. >> stephen: well, i have to. because racism is so tempting. >> really? >> stephen: oh, absolutely, racive. is so tempting because if i get to say here is me and my group and we're great and your group isn't as good as my group, that is a very seductive feeling, that i don't have to do anything to be better, i can just say i am better by the virtue of my race. it's a very lazy way of thinking. >> really. >> stephen: so i have to blind myself to the reality of people's skin color so i have to earn the fact that i'm better than everyone. see, and again you haven't told me whether you are a black person or not. and you know what, that's your right. that's your right to not tell me, if that's somethin

>> stephen: know what?cans can't decide who to get behind, and siri is such a strong conservative voice. maybe she should run for president.v:i] but first, siri, have you had an affair with h>> siri: i was youi needed the job. [ laughter ] >> stephen: oh you poor thing. we'll be right back. look! here she comes! ♪ she'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes... ♪ it'll be spinning new chrome wheels when it comes. ♪ custom spoiler, race grade pistons ♪ gt35 turbo charger and they'll all know that it's kevin's awesome car. ♪ bought 'em! (clears throat) sorry. when it's on your mind, it's on ebay. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody my guest tonight is a legendary broadway lyricist and composer whose new book is called "look, i made a hat." it's better than andrew lloyd weber's book, "look, i made cats." [ laughter ] please welcome stephen sondheim. [cheers and applause] nice see you again, sir. thanks for coming back. >> my pleasure. this is just like old home week. >> yes. >> stephen: this is where yo

please. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. you know, folks, i was tempted to fight against your love of me but i know i would lose. now folks i know you have a lot of choices in late night and we hear at the report value your business. thank you for joining us. now folks, i am sad to say that tonight my man herman cain is still deep in campaign reconsideration mode. i don't get why he would consider dropping out now. he hasn't had a scandal in almost 36 hours. he's on a roll. as you know first a string of women accused him of sexual harassment and this week atlanta businesswoman ginger white claims she and cain had a 13 year affair. but i believe herman cain when he says ginger white was just a friend and he was offering her financial assistance. which explains why she has phone records showing 61 calls or texts between them including one at 4:26 in the morning. he was probably advising her on her stock portfolio, at 4:00 in the morning, and he just wanted to give her a hot

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. boy, folks, thank you so much. i've got to tell you, i absolutely needed that, ladies and gentlemen, because i'm exhausted. i am going to need a little help to get through tonight's show. got here, you know it was a little five hour energy do it for me. although you know what, i only need this for a half an hour. so-- there you are. whooo! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: whooo! i can feel my heartbeat in my hair! i will fistfight a shark. now folks, you see, i am so tired tonight because last night i was in our nation's capital at the kennedy center honors which pays tribute to our nation's greatest creative artists by giving them suspended stolen from mork from or october. last night the kennedy center honored jazz saxophonist sony rollins, rock 'n' roll hall of famer neil diamond, broadway legend barbara cook. world renowned cellist yo-yo ma and meryl streep. is there anything mer

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> stephen: folks, i love an obedient mob. folk, i think we'll all remember where we were when we found out that donald trump would not be hosting his republican debate. (laughter) >> stephen: i was eating a porterhouse the size of a minifringe. once again, i immediately stepped if in to console a grieving nation, by announcing stephen colbert south carolina serious classy republican debate. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and now-- i don't blame you. and now everyone who is anyone wants in on it. it is the biggest a list celebrity magnet since drought. case in point, last night natgeo wild jumped in begging me to host a debate on their chan well an edible arrangement, okay. i love natgeo wild, nothing but high defer footage of zebras fighting antelope, cheetahs fighting rhino, all in the buff but it is natgeo so it is tasteful. these are smart guise. they know how hugely massive this debate going to be. and to prove how mu

>> stephen: yeah. >> oh, absolutely. >> stephen: i like that. are you ready to make history, people? [cheering and applause] [cheering and let's do it. south carolina's democratic chairman. we'll be right back. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, please, sit down. folks, the cain train has been permanently derailed and now the question on everyone's minds is who is next. and what form of transportation will they compare themselves to? i can't wait to see whether santorum or perry will be the first to claim the rickshaw. you see, there's a lot of talk out there about jon huntsman now thanks to a recent huge ad buy in new hampshire. >> him. >> the world is literally collapsing and no one has shown up we can trust as a conservative. >> who actually has a chance to win. >> our government's flabby, bloated and weak. why haven't we heard of this guy? >> stephen: good question, cranky old man in close-up, maybe you haven't heard of this guy because the ad you're in was only recently financed by a big corporate sugar daddy, li

> stephen: really. >> more like that. >> stephen: god, that sounds like a great album!eers and applause) you guys for years just drove around in like a band with no heat... van with no heat, right? >> a van with no air conditioning. >> stephen: okay. other side of the coin. do you enjoy this level of success? obviously money is good but do you like being famous? because i love it. i'd rather be famous than respected. (laughter) >> >> i don't know, we're not too comfortability with, like, doing famous things. >> stephen: groupies... >> interviews.... >> stephen: groupies, rock 'n' roll, hot and cold running tail. (laughter) seriously? seriously? come on, i bet you guys are beating them off with a stick! (laughter) just be honest, i won't broadcast this part. (laughter) (laughter) dan auerbach and patrick carney, the black keys. we'll be right back with a performance by the said band >> stephen: here to perform "lonely boy" off their new album "el comino" ladies and gentlemen, the black keys. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i don't mind bleeding any old time you keep me

stephen] thank you very much. thank you very much. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks, the 2012 election is barreling down the highway and we are running out of road because the iowa caucus is just over a month away, and my man newt gingrich is leading in both local and national polls. that means mitt romney has very little time left to execute his proven strategy of saying and doing nothing while the guy ahead of him in the polls destroys himself in some spectacular and unforseen manner. let's say, by gay marrying a burning american flag. i don't know. something good. [ laughter ] will this unforeseen disaster happen to gingrich? the liberal media is doing their best -- accusing him of shady lobbying deals. >> as newt gingrich rises in the polls there's growing scrutiny into his work after he left congress. the times reports that through his health care consultancy the former house speaker made millions of dollars helping companies promote their services while gaining access to government offi

>> stephen: know what?cans can't decide who to get behind, and siri is such a strong conservative voice. maybe she should run for president.v:i] but first, siri, have you had an affair with h>> siri: i was youi needed the job. [ laughter ] >> stephen: oh you poor thing. we'll be right back. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody my guest tonight is a legendary broadway lyricist and composer whose new book is called "look, i made a hat." it's better than andrew lloyd weber's book, "look, i made cats." [ laughter ] please welcome stephen sondheim. [cheers and applause] nice see you again, sir. thanks for coming back. >> my pleasure. this is just like old home week. >> yes. >> stephen: this is where you come to sell your books. and boy do you have one this time. last time it was and this one is called "look i made a hat." okay? >> toes a progression. >> stephen: it is. this book has in it "look i made a hat" this is the second half of your career. this is my favorite musical of all time, sunday in the park with g

>> yes. ♪ >> stephen: thank you so much. >> your welcome. -- you're welcome. >> stephen: i'll go.iss you. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ç[cheers ] >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] nation, i had the old iphone out earlier. i reminded me i'm a fan of apple's voice recognition software siri. it's got all the convenience of talking to a woman on the phone without that annoying $2.99 a minute. [ laughter ] but now there's another reason to love her/it. because according to the new york times blog, she is pro-life. if you're in manhattan you ask to find an abortion clinic, siri responds: >> sorry, i couldn't find any abortion clinics. >> stephen: really? in new york? i think, they've got one at the top of the empire state building. the line is ridiculous. it's a total tourist trap. [ laughter ] point is, siri is clearly an arch-conservative woman. like laura ingraham, but less robotic. [ laughter ] and that's not the only way siri is earning her conservative cred. >> there's a personal assistant on the iphone. it might leav

>> stephen: yeah. >> oh, absolutely. >> stephen: i like that. are you ready to make history, people? [cheering and applause] [cheering and let's do it. south carolina's democratic chairman. we'll be right back. hey ladies. enjoying the film? of course not. because this is our movie. and dr pepper ten is our soda! it's only ten manly calories, but with all 23 flavors of dr pepper. it's what guys want. like this... catch phrase! so you can keep the romantic comedies and lady drinks. we're good. everybody. thank you so much. folks, please, sit down. folks, the cain train has been permanently derailed and now the question on everyone's minds is who is next. and what form of transportation will they compare themselves to? i can't wait to see whether santorum or perry will be the first to claim the rickshaw. you see, there's a lot of talk out there about jon huntsman now thanks to a recent huge ad buy in new hampshire. >> him. >> the world is literally collapsing and no one has shown up we can trust as a conservative. >> who actually has a chance to w

stephen t colbert, dfa. (cheers and applause) as always, cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott, not our fault since 1922. first up, vaccinations. >> ouch! >> stephen: in 1998 the british medical journal the lance et published a study that found that mercury preservatives in common vaccines could cause autism in children. as a result, today in eight different states more than one in 20 kindergartener does not get the required vaccinations. now the lance et has since declared the study an elaborate fraud. but how you can trust the lance et. they have a history of publishing fraudulent studies. so clearly vaccines are dangerous. luckily, some parents have found a safer alternative. >> a group of parents reportedly intentionally infecting their kids with the chicken pox virus. members with infected children are reportedly sending infected lollipops and saliva through the mail. >> then a healthy kid would lick t get chicken pox and wouldn't need to get the vaccine. >> stephen: yes