see stephen yell. yell, stephen, yell. and rick santorum takes fire from the left. he might want to a kevlar sweater vest and my guest makes his seventh appearance on the show. one more and i'll let him talk. a dentist used paper clips in a root canal. so that is what he has been doing. this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, everybody. welcome to the report. thank you for coming. thank you so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] folks thank you so much. [cheers and applause] folks, we've got to get to it. folks begun everybody knows it's january 24, 2012, day two of what some are calling the colbert super pac hostage crisis. [ laughter ] last night i ended my bid to be president of south carolina. and i offered to pay back colbert's superpac from its evil step father jon stewart. but jon refused and flew off in his zeppelin cackling. i cannot imagine how scared my money must be right now. nation, won't you comfort my money by second it more of itself. go to colbert

stephen, stephen, stephen stlaechl en, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. yes, folks. folks, thank you so much. welcome to the show. good to have you with us. ladies and gentlemen, please. (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, colbert superpac is officially back. and guess-- i feel t i feel it tomorrow is january 31st. when of course we'll all be celebrating black history month eve waiting for frederick douglass to come down the chimney and fill our stockings with guilt. but tomorrow is also the deadline for all superpacs to at last file their financial-disclosure reports with the federal election commission. up until now we didn't know who was funding these superpacs. the great day for transparency because tomorrow voters in iowa, new hampshire, south carolina and florida will finally have the vital information that would have been useful before they voted. (laughter) >> stephen: now we, we at colbert superpac have properly filled out all the actual paperwork which we will

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: wow, very nice. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: you guys are fantastic. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: for a second there, there was competing time signature goesing on there for a second. thank you so much for coming. nation, it is day four of the colbert superpac hostage crisis. jon stewart will not give it back to me and seal team 6 won't answer my calls. (laughter) won't you go to colbert superpac.com and give generously? because i am going to get it back. and we are so close to a very big number which i will reveal on monday night's show, or on, say, who wants to shall a millionaire? meanwhile, folks, big republican debate tonight in florida. it is the 19th of the season. one more and they win a free debate. there are only five days left right now until the florida primary. romney and gingrich are neck and neck. well, neck and-- (cheers and applause) the am bibbian display pouch. i'm to the going to lie to you folk, m itt is in trouble. a recent poll said

please. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much for joining us, everybody. (cheers and applause) nation, nation t is february 2nd, groundhog day. today crowds gathered at gobbler's nobody in pennsylvania to find out if punxsutawney phil will junk into the republican race. still time. they also wanted to know how much longer winter would last. and once again, phil saw his shadow predicting six more weeks. damn it. i don't know about you, but i cannot take six more weeks of 55 degrees. (laughter) >> stephen: i am sick and tired of wearing these heavy winter san dahls. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i cannot believe people even listen this guy. i mean mi a groundhog day originalist. and frankly i believe we have lost sight of the true meaning of the day. for starters, folks, it's original name was candlemas, it's an shent cristo pagan right celebrating the christ child at the temple. medieval villagers would observe hedgehogs, badgers or bears to predict the weather. i mean those are animals that under

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. nation f you read the news you know that the michigan primary is 1 week from tomorrow and romney campaign has made it clear this is do-or-die for mitt. the thing is even though michigan is his home state, romney trails rick santorum by four points in the latest polls. that has got to be a shock for mitt. i mean the whole state is shaped like a him. (laughter) unfortunately, m itt is being dogged by his past. >> the auto bailouts are popular in the state and the state's economy has been growing since the bailouts happened. >> this puts governor romney in an awkward position because three and a half years ago he wrote an opinion piece in the "new york times" titled let detroit go bankrupt. >> stephen: that's a compliment. have you seen detroit? bankrupt might be an improvement. (laughter) now so to save himself romney's bringing out the big guns. specifically the biggest, tannes

welcome to the report. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. ( cheers ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks, anybody knows me knows i'm not a racist. i mean, do i look italian? ( laughter ) in fact, i am so far from being a racist, i don't even see race. i don't even know what race i am. ( laughter ). people tell me i'm white, and i believe them because i did not know it's black history month. ( laughter ) it really surprised me, in fact, because i always thought the name "february" sounded more jewish. still, i have to take a moment to celebrate black american history, all the greats, black george washington. ( laughter ). who as a child famously cut down the cherry tree, which is where black cherries come from. and let's not forget the accomplishiments of black abraham lincoln who, freed himself, i assume. good man. and, of course, blacula. ( laughter ) tragic story. stake to the heart. why? because he's black? ( laughter ) they wouldn't have done that to a whi

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: nation, if you're wondering why i'm speaking the pope talk, it's because today is ash wednesday, the beginning of lent, wherein goodicals like myself make a personal sacrifice for 40 days to become closer to god. last year, i gave up something truly important to me as a catholic-- being catholic. ( laughter ) it was tough. it was tough. but i did get some great bar mitzvah gifts. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, folks, i gotta tell you, you can ask these people-- i still haven't decided what to give up this year. ( laughter ) i thought about going with the classic-- you know, chocolate, but that's impossible since the introduction of mint dark chocolate m&ms. i mean, i love god and everything, but these things are like crack. speaking of which, i definitely can't give up crack. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that stuff is highly addictive, yet reasonably priced. ( laughter ) but i gotta find something to sacrifice that i both enjoy and know i can stick to givi

thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!stephen: ladies and gentlemen-- ( cheering ) oh, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. thank you so much for that applause. i gotta say, my mind is cleary now. nation, tonight is the all-important florida primary. now normally i do my show live, but tonight i pretaped it at 7:30 because that is midnight for the average floridian. ( laughter ) so i don't know whether mitt romney or newt gingrich won, but we do know one thing for certain-- tomorrow both of them can go back to ignoring latinos. ( laughter ) now, the polls say that romney's got this one, and his appeal is obvious. yesterday, he serenadethe crowd at one of florida's elderly storage facilities and proved that his mansions aren't the only things with the golden pipes ♪ oh, beautiful for spacious skies for amber waves of grain ♪ for purple mountains majesty above the fruited plain ♪ america, america ♪. >> stephen: it's just like jazz. ( laughter ) it's the notes you don't hit. but, folks, don't be surprised if newt pulls an

(laughter) >> stephen: we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, everybody. welcome back! nation, as you may know, tomorrow is the most romantic holiday of the year. it's stephen colbert's americone dream at participating ben & jerry's shops nationwide day. it's the best possible way to say "i like a big ass." (laughter) tomorrow also happens to be valentine's day, the perfect time to reflect on your loved ones and your hate-ones. for instance, my eternal enemy for six months until march 3, jimmy fallon. (audience reacts) nice. (laughter) you see, march 3 of last year, jimmy came on my show to celebrate his new ben & jerry's ice cream flavor late night snack. it's vanilla ice cream with salted caramel and fudge-covered potato chip clusters. also the same ingredients of a cleveland steamer. (laughter) true story. that night jimmy and i became best friends forever for six months. last fall jimmy broke my hard when he had ben and jerry on his show to say this "the big issue i want to tell you about is i'm outselling stephen colbert's ice cream. >> the flavor is

. >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. khrapb(crowd chanting "stephen". (cheers and applause) thank you! thank you stpwh-frpblgt thank you so much. you know, folks, folks, when you are chanting my name like that, you make me feel like dorothy in munchkinland. (laughter) nation, i know america has taken some licks. but despite president obama's best efforts to keep us down, we are now officially back on top, baby! doing what we do best-- punching european royalty. (laughter) jim? >> the prince of monocorps was briefly hospitalized after a brawl at a new york city nightclub. he and his playboy pals apparently got a beatdown at a club in the meat packing district on saturday. >> stephen: boom! that is right! pretty boy, his highness, got meat-packed. (laughter) prince creme brawl-ee, here, of monaco, made the mistake of getting in the face of all-american superdouche adam hock seen here resting his prince pounder in a smacking sling. (laughter) hock is the former owner of hawaiian tropic zone. the man is a national treasure, a pioneer in the field of sun blo

>> (laughs). >> stephen: do we go in?ain't tiddledy winks, this is nuclear tiddledy winks. >> i would like to see if the sanctions will work in gets them to change their minds before we arrive at that decision. it's a very complicated affair. >> stephen: we can't have nuclear weapons in the middle east, right? >> well, there are nuclear weapons in the middle east. >> stephen: no there are not. where? >> well, i'm told that israel has... >> stephen: shh! i can nay! on the omb-ay. that's the only hebrew i know. >> impressive. >> stephen: is the youth of military power in an elected way, is that a foreign policy tool or is that a foreign policy failure? >> sometimes it's a failure and sometimes it's a tool. i think when we're dealing with will it's qaddafi, the that president obama decided to use military force to destroy qaddafi because he was about to kill tens of thousands if not more people. >> stephen: you're not giving credit to obama for anything very r you? >> i do. >> stephen: how can you advise romney and like anyt

i'm for it. >> stephen: what will alternative fuel. >> absolutely and we are. >> stephen: the presidenttalking talk pouring algae in our tanksen the algae makes fuel that we can burn in the cars. they make -- it's a substitute for ethanol. the way corn turn into ethanol. exxon smoabl developing a commercial scale plant that turns allege yeah into ethanol. >> stephen: you know what i think we should go with? puppies? hear me out. we put peanut butter on the turbine blade and they lick our way to energy independence. will that work. as a professional good-your opinion. >> no. [ laughter ] too offensive. people have enough problems swal yoke the damage oil does to the environment in other ways. i don't think killing puppies will get us anywhere. >> stephen: i said nothing about killing puppies. giving them peanut butter and asking them to lick it off the turbine blade. do you know anything about the oil industry? thank you so much for joining me. [cheers and applause] john ki ldid you have, everybody.y. [cheers and applause] welcome bark everybody. thank you very much. nation -- nation, th

>> stephen: how big is this village? >> we have about 7,000 people. >> stephen: and as king what do you hope the do? >> at the moment... when i went there the town was in a mess. i've been able to help them with the help from the people of the united states by going to www.kingpeggy.com and they help us to bring water. when i took over there was no clean water and i'm trying to raise funds to have an ambulance for them because they don't have an ambulance and most of the time the people die along the way when they try to take people for medical achievement. >> stephen: so you're a good king? >> i'm a very good king. i'm very good king. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so choosing your leader by pouring schnapps on the ground seems like a fairly effective electoral system. do you think we can use that in the united states? would you team will? because... >> well, we're talking about two different cultures. >> stephen: though we drink a fair amount of schnapps over here, too. >> this isn't pepper meant schnappss. this is

(crowd chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. happy valentine's day, nation. (cheers and applause) you have made an excellent choice ending your night with me. i am a powerful aphrodisiac. i'm like a human oyster only with less muscle tone. (laughter) of course, today is also the finals of the westminster kennel club dog show. i love it! the pageantry, the excitement, the sexual tension. (laughter) i mean, when are that anatolian sheepdog and that judge's leg going to do it already? (laughter) and, folks, there are big changes in this year's show. for more we go to fox news' wirehaired pinscher. speak, shep, speak! >> the westminster dog show has dropped the dog food brand pedigree as a sponsor claiming ads like this one with a shelter dog with too sad. (audience reacts). >> stephen: wow, i know all dogs go to heaven but i hope there's a separate section for these uggos. (laughter) just imagine you're at home, you're watching cultured canine aristocrats, the epitome of class and e mat lat ainl glands and