>> i am. >> stephen: why?berals have got to be disappointed in him. >> i would say disappointed is not the word that i would use. >> stephen: name the top three things that disappoint you about him. >> it's an interesting question. >> stephen: i'm an interesting personth i did a twitter poll and in order it was drones in pakistan, it was drug policy and guantanamo. and i thought it was interesting. those are the topics that will come up during the campaign and the conversations that need to happen. i'm in the a blind supporter but i'm in favor of having the discussions. >> stephen: wouldn't it be better to have a president who engages in horse dance something in. >> we can't have it all. [ laughter ] >> stephen: you would -- do you ride? >> i have done -- i have -- >> stephen: have you done dressage? i have. i did. [ laughter ] >> stephen: you see you've got more in common with mitt romney. >> oh, no! no! >> stephen: you kind of just endorsed mitt romney you realize. >> no. >> stephen: yes, that's how we're go

>> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i don't want to brag, folks but mi such a great ven industrial quest that i can make you chant my name while i drink water. folks, let's get right to a breaking colbert news alert. it's a developing story on the legal battle over obama care. the supreme court has decided last thursday to decide today that they will denied next thursday. (laughter) at which time justice roberts will hop into the general lee jump the press korpts and haul ass out of town screaming noooo healthcare! folks, this wait on the obamacare decision has taken its toll on all of us on cable news. >> the excruciating waiting game may almost be over. any minute we could get a major decision from the supreme court. >> we could have a supreme court decision on the overhaul of health care any minute now. >> it's a 10:01 eastern time and change still waiting. >> it's 10:05 eastern time, we're still waiting. >> all right then. we're waiting. >> i know. >> this

stephen, stephen, stephen! >>. >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.lease sit down. we have got to get straight to the big news rocking the country, a decision that will have repercussions for virtually every american. because this morning ann curry left the "today show". (laughter) it was a tearful foment more everyone followed by six recipes to turn your tears into a refreshing summer cocktail. of course there was one other big decision today. for months we have waited for the supreme court's ruling over the constitutionality of o bam arcare and the-- obamacare and the individual insurance mandate and this morning we got the news we wanted. >> we have breaking news here on the fox news channel. the individual mandate has been ruled unconstitutional. >> the supreme court justice has struck down the individual mandate. >> the justices have just gutted, wolf, the center piece provision of the obama health care law. >> the individual mandate has been struck down. it has been struck down. >> stephen: no, it. has. not. you, suck. at. news. (cheers and appl

stephen, stephen, stephen stlam stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, mindless zombies! welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. nation, you know, we have a complicated relationship with pakistan. it's sort of a love hate relationship. they love to hate us. wnd and we hate that we have to love them. (laughter) >> stephen: still they are a valuable ally in the global war on terror. that's why i'm so up set to hear about the end of a crucial national security operation in the heart of islamabad. jim? >> the u.s. embassy in pakistan ending funding for a local version of "sesame street". the move comes amid reports of corruption at the 20 million dollar project. >> stephen: $20 million of corruption on "sesame street". i believe congress needs to hold hearings and ask some tough questions. what elmo know and when elmo know it! (laughter) now folks, this show called sim sim hammara has already been in production in pakistan for a year and was created with a grant from the united states agency for international development with

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers ) let me just be the first to say dominus lobiskum. another nation, it is no secret that america's small towns, especially in the rust belt, are struggling. it's goaten so bad that the prom theme of many small high schools is-- "enchantment under the overpass." and no one is struggling more than niagara falls, new york, home to a breath taking and majestic cascade of crushing poverty. according to the latest census, two out of three residents subsist on welfare or social security. so if you see someone there in a barrel, he's not about to go over the falls. that's where he lives. ( laughter ) but the town has found a savior from above. >> suspended 200 feet in the air. on a wire over niagara falls. that's 20 stories high. raging waters below. friday night, june 15, daredevil nick wellinda will attempt one of the greatest stunts of all times, crossing high over niagara falls on a wire, all in the dark of night. all the world will be

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. good dahave you with us. nation, we've got to come up with a commonsense solution to our poorest southern border. that's why i have long called for a 200,000-mile-long border wall made out of 10-foot-tall rotating razor blades that will slice illegals up like deli meat. and we need it now more than ever, folks, to keep out mexico's infamous drug cartel. i am not a fan. i say if you're going to push drugs, you can do not do it with violence. you do it with a man throwing a football through a tire swing to show how rigid his penis has become. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, there is one mexican cartel i grudgingly respect. it is mexico's ninth templar, who draw inspiration from the medieval christian warriors of the same name who muled franken sense filled. but down in mexico, these knights of the "let's do coke off the roundtable" have gone too far. >> doritos, cheetos, ruffles under a

>> stephen, a lot of union people work on this show and they're kind of upset. >> stephen: is that true? (laughter) all right, all right, i understand. i guess that. but you lost, okay? so let's be professional about it. it's my show. drop something. (laughter) (cheers and applause) messaged received. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. folks i've got to say, i don't know about you, but i am still all aglow over america's victory in wisconsin. and when you think of wisconsin you hi of small towns, bastions of old-fashioned values like trust and honesty. that's why they're so easily taken advantage of by music men. (laughter) but in these hard times many small towns are losing their moral compass. that's why tonight i am proud to profile one man who is fighting back. "the colbert report's" stephen colbert file this is report. a crime tsunami is crashing over small-town america. but in arkansas there's a new sheriff in town. >> i'm sometimes compared to the sheriff... i say it like this, i'm the hired gu

[crowd chanting stephen's name] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report begun everybody. thank you so much for join us. heros, all, have a seat. nation, the 2012 presidential election is right around the corner, and it will all come down to a clash of ideas: do we want bigger government, gay marriage, and class warfare? or do we prefer mitt romney's message: "i look like a president." [ laughter ] that's why i'm so excited about the upcoming presidential debates. every four years, i play a little drinking game where i take a shot of bourbon as soon as the debates start, and don't stop until election day. [ laughter ] i always win. [ laughter ] both candidates are already in training. in fact, obama has picked his sparring partner. >> president obama tapping senator kerry to help him with debate rehearsals. the 2004 democratic presidential nominee will pay the role of governor mitt romney in mock debates. >> stephen: obama has chosen kerry to play mitt romney? [ laughter ] that is shocking-- somebody chose john kerry for something. [ laughter ] but, folks, i don't know if

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: we'll be right back. >> stephen: hey now! welcome back, everyone! my guest tonight is hosting the tony awards for the third time. big deal, i'm hosting the show for the 1,44thth time. please welcome neil patrick harris. (cheers and applause) neil, good to see you again nice to see you again, you clean up nice! >> thank you, you as well. >> stephen: it's weird to see you here. >> i'll say! (laughter). >> stephen: because i'm used to seeing you when we're both on stage at lincoln center. >> that's right. >> stephen: in front of thousands of cheering people. >> adoring fans. adoring sondheim fans. >> stephen: and sondheim in the front row. >> giving notes. in the middle of songs. >> stephen: uh-uh. >> people don't know we did "company" together. >> we did. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and we're a little bit friends. >> yes, can i see that i find you a threat? >> go on. >> stephen: you're the classic triple threat. you're an actor, singer, dancer. >> okay. >> stephen: but you're also the biggest threat of all, you're a gay p

>> stephen, a lot of union people work on this show and they're kind of upset. >> stephen: is that true? (laughter) all right, all right, i understand. i guess that. but you lost, okay? so let's be professional about it. it's my show. drop something. (laughter) (cheers and applause) messaged received. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) my name is jon moeller. i'm from texas a&m university. i'm using my laptop to help create a touchscreen out of thin air. my name is meredith perry. i'm working on a way to charge devices wirelessly we're using our laptops to defy gravity. i'm julia... ...and i'm jessica. and we're using our laptops to turn soccer balls... ...into a power source. when the technology's right, anything can happen. vo: trade in your old electronics for a best buy gift card... and trade up to a new ultrabook. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. folks i've got to say, i don't know about you, but i am still all aglow over america's victory in wisconsin. and when you think of wisconsin you hi of small towns, bastions of old-fashi

welcome. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you so much, everybody. please, heroes, have a seat. nation, last year, we were all swept up in the excitement of the arab spring. especially in egypt last february when young prodemocracy protesters filled cairo'sica tear square and ousted longtime strong man hosni mubarak. it was a traumatic time for egyptians and an even more traumatic time for the bathroom at the tahrir square party party. ( laughter ) now it's a complex situation so let me recap what has happened in egypt. 5,000 years ago, settlements in the valley united to form the first dynasty. then pyramids, cleopatra, blah, blah, blah, cut to last february. president mubarak steps down handing temporary power to the military. then in november, egyptians voted in their first free parliamentary elections, handing a strong majority to the conservative islamic muslim brotherhood. then there was a presidential election with 13 candidates that led to a runoff betw

>> stephen, a lot of union people work on this show and they're kind of upset. >> stephen: is that true? (laughter) all right, all right, i understand. i guess that. but you lost, okay? so let's be professional about it. it's my show. drop something. (laughter) (cheers and applause) messaged received. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) man: there's a cattle guard, take a right. do you have any idea where you're going ? wherever the wind takes me. this is so off course. nature can surprise you sometimes... next time, you drive. next time, signal your turn. ...that's why we got a subaru. love wherever the road takes you. do you read in bed? do you read out loud or in your head? do you need a lamp to see? and does it leave your bedmate be? don't you wish there was a light that wouldn't keep them up all night? if so, you'll be happy to know, our newest nook now comes with glow. introducing nook simple touch with glowlight, the only e-reader made for bedtime reading. find your nook at your neighborhood barnes & noble. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank

. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) ed willees and gentlemen, thank you so much. -- ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. thank you, ladies an gentlemen, thank you for joining us. and more than that, ladies an gentlemen, thank you for feeling at me. (laughter) nation, we are less than five months away from picking our next president. and at this point, it's anybody's election. >> lucky ducky. >> oh, i'm sorry, not anybody's, i'm sorry, herrmann, either obama or romney's election. because the latest gallop poll has them separated by less than a percentage point. in 2004 we had an equal-- equally close race between bush and kerry. that year bush won because 11 states had anti-marriage ballot initiatives that drove conservatives to the polls. kuz nothing gets value voters to yank the lever like the thought of two guys yanking each other's levers. well-- folks, this year -- this year there is one hot-button issue that could give obama the edge. >> the legallization of marijuana once unheard of in mo

we didn't have a freezer when i was growing up. >> in mississippi. >> stephen:. >> stephen: they didn'tfreezers? >> we had iceboxes but there was an old depression era fear that if the house burn it is icebox burns last. >> stephen: the ice fights back? >> but if i put my man screw scripts in there then if the house burns then maybe.... >> stephen: does it keep the ideas fresher? >> it does. it does. >> stephen: do you feel them at all or do you start working on the novel and think "this kind of tastes like bad ice cream"? richard ford, thank you so much for joining me. the book is canada. the the man is richard ford. we'll be right back. (cheers and applala

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, i have to tell you, folks, you just have no idea. folks, thank you so much. please, good to have i with us. folks, you have no idea what that kind of energy means to me. i just-- i just want to crawl into your lap and stroke your hair. ( laughter ). ( applause ) nation, the presidential election is only four months away. it is time for the candidates to put their money with their mouth is, and every other orifices because we're talking about a lot of money. especially on the republican side. just this past weekend, all the big g.o.p. donors were at deer valley resort in utah at the first national romney victory leadership retreat. you've got to respect that sort of confidence. ( laughter ). the man has not even officially been nominated yet, and he's celebrating victory. i can't wait for this weekend's mitt romney second inauguration ho-down and preside

(laughter). >> stephen: yes. it does make one wonder. after all, something has clearly eaten trace gallagher's brain. (laughter) bauds, folks, everyone knows zombies don't exist. or do they? (laughter) see, protest though they may, just last year the c.d.c. issued a very different report. >> better safe than sorry. that's what the center centers r disease control has to say about being prepared for a zombie apocalypse. >> it started with a simple blog post on the centers for disease control and prevention web site filed under "public health matters." the title: "preparedness 101: zombie apocalypse." >> stephen: sure, back then they said it was a tongue in cheek campaign, but whose tongue in whose cheek? (laughter) could it be that the c.d.c. changed their tune because now they're zombies? (laughter) i mean, it makes sense, the zombies would be attracted to saoeupbts. i mean, they're intellectual elites. all they care about is brains! (laughter) nation, you know me, i'm not one to judge-- i'm number one to judge. this is tip of the hat, w

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. what am i going to do, what am i going to do with you people? i got to tell you, it's like trying to stop the sun from rising. thank you so much. nation, it's no secret, these days what with their petty schoolyard bickering, congress isn't very pop are lar. and it does not help they're always bullying the only black kid. so folks, things are getting worse. >> a new report shows that congress might be getting dumber. the sunlight foundation analyzed recent speeches made by members of congress and found that they are speaking at the level expected of a sophomore in high school. in the same study seven years ago congress was speaking at the level of a junior in high school. >> stephen: congress is so dumb that it took themselve enyears just to be held back a grade. (laughter) nation this is outrage us. and for you dim bulb congressman watching outrageous is a big word meaning stephen surprisey frown. (laughter) full range of emotion.

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, if you watch this show, if you are a frequent watcher of this show, and i hope you are, you know i wear many hats. pundit, journalist, and this one that says i'm a female body inspecter. which-- due to a pending court case i legally must inform you is not an actual governmental position. once again, my apologies to doris concerns goodwin. now recently, folks, recent i added another hat, that of children's book author! (cheers and applause) thanks. with the public case of i am a pole and so you can. which is currently number one in "the new york times" best-seller list. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: advice how to and miss jane-- miscellaneous. that's right, advice, how to, and miscellaneous. in your face, the blood sugar solution by dr. mark hyman. number six, six, ouch. plus kind of a creepy name for a children's book. now some might say why are you in that category, stephen. a pole can't give y

(laughter) >> stephen: people... have moved to the city and said i do not move to the city to have to worry about a goat eating my clothing! (laughter) >> stephen: well, one of the first things you have to do in this work is engage your community. >> stephen: do people complain or really like it? >> people like it, we're building the first of it kind in the world, a vertical farm. >> stephen: what do you mean? >> a vertical farm is stacking greenhouses on top of each other to grow. a city like new york in the future because of population growth and cities like san francisco we'll think about having food in skyscrapers. >> stephen: in san francisco they'll just be growing weed. (laughter) mr. allen, thank you so much for joining me. the book is "the good food revolution." we'll be right back. thank you, sir.

>> stephen: absolutely. >> yeah. >> stephen: how does it feel? the only hot lady on screen right now. [ laughter ] are you used to this? >> i'm just number 16. >> stephen: just number 16. how did you get to 16 when you are so fat? [ laughter ] you don't mind if i play head games. >> in all the right places oh, yeah. >> stephen: thank you for the image. you're in this new movie out there. you play a wicked queen. let's show the good people this woman not being so nice. >> i will avenge your father who was too weak -- >> stephen: that's some dark -- [cheers and applause] >> them are my fighting words right there. >> stephen: yes, they are your fighting words. this film seems kind of a dark for a fairy tale. is this a disney snow white or like a grimm fairy tale. >> grimm. >> stephen: like grinding up the kids and making pies fairy tale? >> serve it up with the onion. this say throwback to the brothers grimm. they are really dark. the original had the queen send out for her heart and have her heart and her liver cooked up in onions. really, really d

stephen, stephen, stephen stlam stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, mindless zombies! welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. nation, you know, we have a complicated relationship with pakistan. it's sort of a love hate relationship. they love to hate us. wnd and we hate that we have to love them. (laughter) >> stephen: still they are a valuable ally in the global war on terror. that's why i'm so up set to hear about the end of a crucial national security operation in the heart of islamabad. jim? >> the u.s. embassy in pakistan ending funding for a local version of "sesame street". the move comes amid reports of corruption at the 20 million dollar project. >> stephen: $20 million of corruption on "sesame street". i believe congress needs to hold hearings and ask some tough questions. what elmo know and when elmo know it! (laughter) now folks, this show called sim sim hammara has already been in production in pakistan for a year and was created with a grant from the united states agency for international development with

ha ha ha. >> stephen: well, that's it >> stephen: well, that's it for "the report"; mac: 6:58, 6:59, seven minutes. keep going, buddy. i'm working on the chicken parts situation here. forget the chicken parts. charlie is about to shatter the world record for holding his breath. we are going to be world famous after this. - charlie, how you doing? - i got to breathe. no, charlie, don't breathe. the buns are going to burn. mac: come on! - forget about it. - are you breathing? - of course i'm breathing. - well, you ruined it. we could have been famous. - (knock at door) - come in. hi, i-- oh, i'm, uh-- what do you want, lady?