[audience reacts] >> stephen: i know. obviously this leaves a huge hole in south american politics and an even bigger collection of flag track suits. [laughter] our other breaking story jon stewart has announced he will be taking the summer off from "the daily show." [audience reacts] we wish him all the best in his new project, ruling the country of venezuela. [laughter] [cheers and applause] folks, staying on international politics, if you watch this show, you know there is no greater friend to the state of israel than yours truly. certainly a better friend than barack obama, who has repeatedly snubbed our ally by refusing to visit. he can't keep putting it off by saying, "next year, in jerusalem" at his annual passover seder! and i won't even get into what an insult it was to the jewish people that the brisket was dry. [laughter] and now, the greatest insult of all. >> obama will make his first trip to israel as president. >> the white house hasn't released details of his trip but israeli media says he's visiting this

it's called addiction. >> stephen: i wanted to mainline taco meat. >> i'm sure you have. >> stephen: it's all sugar. i hear that high fructose corn syrup has a couple of skull and cross bones. >> all the data shows high fructose corn syrup is the

>> i think that's pretty much it. >> stephen: or is it?> it is. >> stephen: then weren't the police rode to close the case? >> we didn't close the case because we never open the case. >> stephen: so it wasn't closed? >> there is no case. >> stephen: with police in denial the key issue of motive was unanswered starting with the henchman. >> i was able to give skylar the balls and i was able to take the meat and give them to my friends and they gave me liquor. >> stephen: okay. but it doesn't explain why anyone needs a five gallon bucket of scallop naves. a mouthful. >> i'm curious. i would love to know what she's doing with it. >> stephen: once again this guy. >> her research is about improving the reproductive success of maine scallops. >> stephen: improving reproductions then maybe it's not the best idead to cut their balls off. there's a simpler explanation. >> human animal hybrids. >> i knew it. you like -- >> i'm not -- you like to play god. >> i'm not playing god at all. i'm just doing a few experiments. >> stephen: a lonely lady scie

>> that's right. >> stephen: i'm not a fan and i think that's (bleep). >> well -- >> stephen: that means, and we'll get back to you talking, too, but so literally i would -- if i were gay i would get stripped of my gay marriage rights federally if i walked across the border. >> if you moved you would lose the federal benefits. the scenario you just drew out is crazy. we would have a patchwork of marriage laws thbd would be the next challenge. >> stephen: let me pose the question to scheea. when did gay marriage become a constitutional right? when did we start accepting that? give me the date. >> it's recently but i don't think you can put an exact date on it. >> stephen: you can. it was september 19, 2005 the premiere of how i met your mother. [cheers and applause] because neil patrick harris plays a super straight horn dog and we buy it. will you stick around for a second more and we'll go to commercial, come back and figure it out. we'll be right back with more from emily [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. i'm back with emily bazelon talking about supreme court'

it's called addiction. >> stephen: i wanted to mainline taco meat. >> i'm sure you have. >> stephen: it's all sugar. i hear that high fructose corn syrup has a couple of skull and cross bones. >> all the data shows high fructose corn syrup is the same. the problem is it's cheaper. it made sugar cheaper and therefore it started appearing in all sorts of foods. >> stephen: high friewk he is to corn syrup it's natural. like parsley or hemlock. it's a natural growing thing. it does exactly what the natural sugar does, too. there are 56 names for sugar you don't know them. >> stephen: had you do you know i don't know them. maybe i'm an eskimo of sugar. i have 56 names for snow. >> maybe you do. the rest of the country doesn't and they are buying it and they don't know it. >> stephen: dr.s but -- dr. buzz kill. >> you gave me that name. >> stephen: you throw around the word processed food. >> they take the fiber out for shelf life. fine fiber is good four. it reduces how fast the stuff in your intestines is absorbs and it keeps your liver safe steefnlg that's what the box is for fiber. >>

[laughter] >> stephen: it is cute. and deadly. [laughter] of course, the snowquester is a combination of snow and the sequester. nation, i think this fantastic and ridiculous. or, fantasticulous. [laughter] we should name all of our weather events after what kind they are plus whatever people are talking about on television at the time. today, a washington is blanketed in the snowquester, tomorrow, a storm covers new york in drone-cicles. [laughter] or a freak blizz-ardashian. as we speak oklahoma is still suffering the effects of pope bene-drought the 16th? [laughter] i mean, isn't that cute? [cheers and applause] kind of cute. anyway, i think that's cute over to you stephen. thanks, steve! [laughter] nation, no one is a bigger fan of the civil rights movement than yours truly. i even attended 1963's historic march on washington-- and this is true-- while still in my mother's womb. [laughter] i'll never forget martin luther king's stirring words. [heartbeat sounds] [muffled voice] [laughter] that's why i'm personally invested in

pigs sucks. >> stephen: now, those are fighting words. >> i can't help it. >> stephen: okay. >> take pig now. there no juice on them. no suck lens -- succulence. white meat it pisses me off. >> stephen: it's the other white me. it is. >> no it's not. >> stephen: legally it's the other white meat. i'm going to clock you man. what do you weigh in at? you want to do it? go ahead. [cheers and applause] obviously when i say fight it's a metaphor for be upset with. >> no, no. >> stephen: nice to meet you. we raise pigs. we have plenism we raise them here. they are wonderful. what is wrong with the way we raise them here? >> they are raised in confinement. >> stephen: let them run, they'll get away. babe, pig in the city -- >> they are standing in their own crap and urine 24 hours a day. >> stephen: i believe the word you want to use is marinated. how are your pigs raised? >> mine are raised on the earth. >> stephen: it's all natural. >> on the dirt, it's natural. >> stephen: at what point do they naturally decide to meander to the slaughter house? what part of -- do you reed them neech rea

. >> stephen: thank you so much.unot diaz freedom university. we'll be right back. [cheers andse]ause]

. >> stephen: thank you so much. junot diaz freedom university. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's it for the dennis: no, dude. it's not a question of individual style. it's about having some taste. you're attacking my ability to express myself, dude. how am i attacking your ability to...? i just don't get it. what's not to get? "come to philly for the crack." it has a picture of the liberty bell on it. it's funny and original. it's not fu... how's it funny and original? every (bleep) on south street's wearing a t-shirt with an ironic slogan on it. well, excuse me if all my t-shirts don't have a little guy playing polo on the lapel. you cut the sleeves off of all of your t-shirts. what, so you can show off your tats? those are really original, dude. - they're tribal. - oh, they're... they're tribal.

that was the most amazing. >> stephen: seemed to come as a surprise to him. >> yes. >> stephen: it's a military judge and they said they have no idea where the microphones are coming from. >> it's outrageous. it reminds me. the only precedent for it is the soviet constitution or iranian constitution. >> stephen: we're nothing like the old soviet union. we don't have gulags in sigh beera. we have gulags in he is stonea. [ laughter ] is it ultimately such a bad thing. these guys are guilty. [ laughter ] do you not believe ksm is guilty? >> i believe he is likely guilty and that's what trials are all about. >> stephen: the thing with trials is sometimes people are found innocent. that's the one flaw with our justice system, i believe. [ laughter ] the. >> the beautive trial system is that it gives leg matcy and it says this prosecution made a lot of sense. they are like baseball and steroids. at this point even if the prosecutors hit it out of the park there's an the as terrific saying wait there were secret mike phones and. >> stephen: it's an exciting game. maybe you sell a lot of mem

thank you for joining me. >> always a pleasure. >> stephen: espn soccer analyst >> stephen: welcome backevery. anyone in the tv business knows best way to create a hit show is not to the create one. instead, import a hit from overseas. nbc's "the office" came from britain's "the office," and "homeland" came from the israeli show "hatufim." and "chris matthews's hardball" was adapted from the irish children's program "the very angry potato." [laughter] well, i've got my eye on a wildly popular program from norway called "national firewood night" which consisted mostly of people in parkas chatting and chopping in the woods and then eight hours of a fire burning in a fireplace. [laughter] it destroyed the other top norwegian shows like "so you think you can watch paint dry?" [laughter] and the amazing glaish race. [laughter] and get this almost twenty percent of the population tuned in. twenty percent! the last time that many americans watched a hunk of wood, he was playing opposite sandra bullock. [ laughter ] of course, in just 12 hours, you are never going to capture the true depth and n

thank you for joining me. >> always a pleasure. >> stephen: espn soccer >> stephen: espn soccer analyst [ male announcer ] fact: the 100% electric nissan leaf is more fun than ever. sees better than ever. charges faster. and will charge. cool. and heat. from your phone. fact: leaf never needs gas. ever. good for the world. built in america. now, leaf's an easier choice than ever. ♪ shop at choosenissan.com. ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, every. anyone in the tv business knows best way to create a hit show is not to the create one. instead, import a hit from overseas. nbc's "the office" came from britain's "the office," and "homeland" came from the israeli show "hatufim." and "chris matthews's hardball" was adapted from the irish children's program "the very angry potato." [laughter] well, i've got my eye on a wildly popular program from norway called "national firewood night" which consisted mostly of people in parkas chatting and chopping in the woods and then eight hours of a fire burning in a fireplace. [laughter] it destroyed the other top norwegian shows like "so you think you can wat

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks.lause] folks, over the past few years, as i've been watching the story unfold in the news, america's fleet of drones has semi-autonomously piloted its way into my heart because it works. [laughter] last week, senator lindsey graham revealed that drones have now killed 4,700 people. [cheers and applause] all right. if fans here tonight. and most impressively, many of those 4,700 people were the ones we were trying to kill. [laughter] unfortunately, not everyone is as proud of president obama's drone program as i am. for instance, president obama. [laughter] just listen to former press secretary, robert gibbs. >> when i went through the process of becoming press secretary, one of the first things they told me was you're not even to acknowledge the drone program. you're not even to discuss that it exists. >> stephen: though, truth is, the secret got out a long time ago. i don't know how, but it was leaked to at least 4,700 people. [laughter] i just don't get why the administration is so a

>> 31. >> stephen: you are 31 so you were working for him when you were 23. >> 23. >> stephen: and yourious job before this was -- please use the words fry station, please. >> i was a speechwriter for john kerry in his 2004 campaign. >> stephen: obama stole you. >> he didn't steal me. the campaign ended in 2004. john kerry did not win. >> stephen: what? >> spoiler alert. >> stephen: then you started working for the president? >> i did. >> stephen: were you involved in the 2004 speech he did at the convention? >> he wrote that himself. >> stephen: wow. you wrote a lot of his speeches after that. >> i did. >> stephen: that's kind of heart breaking because not only does the guy use a prompter he is not writing the words in the prompter. please, please tell me he at least flies air force one. >> he does not. but he writes a lot of his own speeches. we worked together. it's a collaborative process. >> stephen: kind of, guys like you, you and the president same level. [ laughter ] now, what is the process like? do you say mr. president, i have things that i think would be go to say or does he

>> yes. >> stephen: writing at imt -- >> i know. >> stephen: isn't that like teaching engineering at juliard. why? >> i know. everybody needs to learn writing even mit. >> stephen: why. you have siri now. you can dictate it to your iphone. >> have you tried it. it never works. >> stephen: i never read it back. >> writing is so useful. >> stephen: freedom university is a georgia college dedicated to educating undocumented immigrants. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: why? >> it's one of these situations where we had the georgia legislature decided to ban from the top five schools in georgia students from studying there. if undocumented youth or students were there, they are not permitted to study they were cut. even people who were accepted. one of the things that happened was a budge the of professor and young people got together said while we're waiting for this law to change we're going to create this university to keep the kids educated so they can keep taking classes and keep their minds going and also get access to the education which they want. >> stephen: why should they get this edu

now you can do it. >> stephen: did you do something for us? >> absolutely! >> stephen: listen. we'll be right back for a performance by lil

stephen loves you! [cheers and applause] stephen, loves drones, drones, with pretty face drones. nation, you know when i take to the airwaves i expect the entire world to be listening and i mean the entire world. would it kill you to get hulu plus people of rainforest? [laughter] but i have a special interest in north koreans who i assume are watching on their television sets. this week los koreans del norte threated to use a missile on the u.s. and you know they mean business they wiped east and west korea off the map. [ applause ] i also clap when i'm terrified. with tensions rising america had no choice but to send their top negotiator dennis rodman for some basketball diplomacy. after all it worked at the conference with stalin. he backed down pretty quick after getting tomahawk dunked on by fdr. [laughter] we learned it failed. >> breaking this morning north korea vows to launch a nuclear strike against the united states. >> the war of words escalating. >> north korea threatening to turn washington into a sea. >> stephen: north korea is willing to go to any lengths to -- ple

pigs sucks. >> stephen: now, those are fighting words. >> i can't help it. >> stephen: okay. >> take pig now. there no juice on them. no suck lens -- succulence. white meat it pisses me off. >> stephen: it's the other white me. it is. >> no it's not. >> stephen: legally it's the other white meat. i'm going to clock you man. what do you weigh in at? you want to do it? go ahead. [cheers and applause] obviously when i say fight it's a metaphor for be upset with. >> no, no. >> stephen: nice to meet you. we raise pigs. we have plenism we raise them here. they are wonderful. what is wrong with the way we raise them here? >> they are raised in confinement. >> stephen: let them

] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] folks, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, you know if you watch this show, if you read the news, if you know what is going on in america there's no denying that barack obama has been a failed president. [laughter] as terrible as president obama has been, his cabinet appointments have been worse. i mean, transportation secretary ray lahood? why? because his name's got a car part in it? that's a low standard. [ laughter ] what is next? secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel? now he wants the new defense secretary to be former republican senator chuck hagel. thankfully, today 15 republican senators demanded the withdrawal of hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. senate republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in hagel's past. for instance, he was once a senate republican. [laughter] and now, according to conservative news anger-gregator breitbart.com, hagel may have taken money from an organizati