stephen. >> stephen: let's put new jersey's 12th up on the big board! and applause) looks like somebody in princeton just failed their nuclear physics midterms. don't forget, new jersey, the primary is tomorrow. go vote. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! folks it's vacation season and i hate to admit this but i hate when t way americans are perceived when visiting the old country. i want those filthy garlic eaters to like us. (laughter) naturally, i was upset to learn that italians were throwing a hisssy fit about an innocent mistake at one of their museums. >> as if american tourists didn't have a bad reputation already, now there is this. a missouri man traveling in italy accidentally snapped the finger off a 600-year-old statue. (audience reacts) an american tourist in hot water. they're knocking a finger off a 600-year-old statue at a museum in florence. >> part of the story is is to repair the damaged finger. >> stephen: italy, if your restorers need a model for that finger, i

this is is the colbert report. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen! tephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, in here, out there. listen, america and all the ships at sea, folks, if you watch this show -- and i hope you do -- you know that i am a proud supporter and occasional savior of the winter olympics. in 2010, the colbert nation sponsored the u.s. speedskaters who took home the gold but, folks, i'm no hero. i'm the guy who funded the hero so i'm more important than the hero. but a new crisis may force me to dust off my red, white and blue nuthugger. jim? >> the winter olympics in russia are just about six months away and there is growing controversy over new antigay laws and about the safety of gay people visiting russia. also gay athletes. >> a russian law unanimously passed in parliament allows for fines and arrests over anything deemed gay propaganda displayed in front of children. >> so how will this be enforced? does this really mean if someone was waving a rainbow flag or peacefully demonstrating or talking to yo

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. please. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you, with a greeting like that, i could do this all night or at least twice. of laugh nation, america is losing the battle against mary jane. this year new hampshire and illinois legalized medical marijuana bringing the to 20 the number of states where your pharmacist will soon look like this. (laughter) the dude prescribes. (laughter) and folks, the war on nugs used to have a strong ally on cnn's dr. sanjay gupta who opposed legalizing pot until now. >> i want to remind you that in 2009 you wrote a "time" magazine article entitled why i would vote no on pot. you changed your mind. >> i have. and as part of, you know, my thinking, the reason, i have apologized for some of the earlier reporting because i think, you know, we've been terribly and systemically mislead in this country for some time. and i did part of that misleading. >> stephen: wait a second, we were mis

>> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. (cheers and applause) folks, folks, you know we are still-- if you know anything about the news business, folks, august is notoriously a slow news month. who can forget the summer of '75 when walter cronkite did a ten part series on spoons, the middle child of the dinner table. (laughter) still, every few augusts you get a story so big you can't help but sink your teeth into it. and tonight i'm proud to say we have the latest on the gripping story of the rodeo clown who put on an obama mask. (laughter) yes, i'm sure you all know. some said the media would be thrown off this rodeo story in a second. (laughter) but nobody, nobody rides this kind of bull like the heroes of cable news. jim? >> from the state fair asked the crowd if they wanted to see a rodeo clown with an obama mask run down by a bull. another clown playing with the obama mask slips. >> a rodeo clown who performed during the missouri stat

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> welcome to the report. thank you. for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, it's incredible. do you feel the energy! do you feel the power at my fingertips? these people ready to fight for freedom. folks, thank you so much. thank you so much. please, sit down, everybody. i'm sorry, that kind of love. i had to stand there i thought somebody was carving me for a monument. now nation for the last month i have been hot on the trail of nsa leaker edward snowden. he has eluded authorities by hiding out in a moscow airport. i knew we should have signed an extra decision treaty with au bon pain. well now, folks, this cybertraiter has flown the airport. more than a month after landing atmos you could's airport ed snowden now is on the move for the first time. the nsa leaker said to be leaving the airport, officially entering russia after being granted temporary asylum. >> stephen: yes, he has got answer sigh lum in russia where vladimir putin shares snowden's passion

stephen: eight seasons, wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: okay.you also are amuse i cannian which i was not aware of. and you had a blues album already called, it was called "let them talk." >> yes. stephen: sold a million copies in this musical atmosphere you went in england triple platinum. [ cheers and applause ] i didn't know you could so much as whistle and you sold a million albums. >> whistling is my weakest suit. i have to whistle in one of the songs we do requires whistling and i cannot for the life. i just can't do it. >> stephen: why did you agree to do it then if you can't do it? >> not only did i agree to it. i volunteered that. why would i do that? i don't know. it was sort of a strange, self-destructive. >> stephen: blues whistling. some of the great delta whistlers. >> you don't hear so much of it now. >> stephen: not so much anymore. not from me. stephen: why is a white english guy -- i assume you're white because of everything you've done. i don't see race. but anyway, why are you recording the blues? that is the great black amer

nation... >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: please, sit down, everybody. please, we've got to get going. folks, nation, lock your doors and board up your windows because america is in a state of panic. i hope you're wearing a clean diaper because the united states government in cooperation with cable news has once again taken us to code brown. jim? >> high alert. is an attack imminent? >> americans have been put on notice. they may not be safe this month. >> a global travel alert is now in effect for all americans around the world. that's after sources say there's growing intelligence that al-qaeda is planning an attack. as a precaution, the u.s. is closing 22 embassies and consulates. >> u.s. officials say an attack could happen anywhere in the world at any time. it could happen literally at any moment. >> stephen: yes, an attack is imminent, any moment, anywhere, any time. look to your left. look to your right. both of those people could be terro

: welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us. i don't blame you for being so happy tonight, folks, this is a huge night. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, okay. as you know every year on the report i hold a summer concert series called colbchella. [ cheers and applause ] and year after year, it is always headlined by the hottest names in music. dr. pepper. t-mobile wireless and of course pepsi, the official drink of "we don't have coke, is pepsi okay?" well, folks, this year the antiestablishment convention destroying rock-and-roll ethos is brought to you by hyundai. the silent "y" stands for youth marketing. in fact, they've even given me a sizable check in exchange for which i promise to deliver them the undisputed song of the summer. so, jimmy, juice it. >> hyundai presents the song of the summer of the century. it ain't the heat. it's the rock-middity. with special guest daft punk. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: that's right,

"). >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. please, you're very kind. (cheers and applause) nation, nation, i don't want to alarm anyone but when you leave my studio tonight, you may very well be hunted for sport. because yesterday new york city became a kill zone. >> a federal judge has ruled new york city's controversial stop and frisk program violates the constitutional rights of minorities by "conducting stops in a racially discriminatory manner." >> stephen: that's right, folks. unelected activist judge has rejected stop and frisk on the bizarre theory that minorities have a constitutional right not to be stopped at random and man handle bid strangers. (laughter) despite the fact that when the constitution was written minorities weren't even invented yet. (laughter) i think. thankfully mayor bloomberg says he will fight to preserve stop and frisk because he knows you can't make a safety omelet without breaking a few brown eggs. (audience reacts) jim? >> we go to where the rep

good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much ( cheers and applause ). thank you, ladies and gentlemen. nation, let's get straight to the top story tonight-- me. ( laughter ) the world is abuzz over last night's show. it was my third annual colbchella concert series and it was without a doubt the third time we have done it. ( laughter ) my star-studded video tribute to the song of the summer lit up the twittersphere, though i do have to say, i am a little hurt that not nearly enough people have congratulated me on the height of my chorus line kick with the rockettes. ( cheers and applause ). yes. i am deeply hurt in that i believe i tore my hams string. ( laughter ) now, folks, if you weren't here last night, you're probably in daft punk. ( laughter ) these guys-- they were a no-show because of an alleged exclusive agreement to appear on mtv, i assume because they're 16 and pregnant. ( laughter ) but it turns out, it turns out-- that's what i thought-- but it turns out, as i explained in minute detai

>> stephen: all right. it's a scholarly society that represents people across all the fields of learning. >> stephen: was's your field of learning before we get in this. >> my degree is in english. >> stephen: english major, you went for the-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right. you went for the big cash. >> that's right. >> stephen: all right. >> now i'm on your show. >> stephen: all right, yeah. it worked out. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: let's give the humannities the colbert bump. all right, you lament. we can do it, we can do it if you want. there you go. (cheers and applause) you lament in this report the fall of the humannities in our universities. people are not becoming humannities majors any more. why do you think that is? >> well, you overstated. it's not some of the decline as we think that all across american life starting in kindergarten through 12th grade through college and through later life there's a hunger for the things the humannities supply. and people haven't paid it as much attent

good to have you with us, thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome to the report. folks, i always try to keep a level head. you know i for one always try to keep a level head but even i am enraged by this bradley manning trial. first of all, that he had a trial. those prisoners in gitmo must be dying to know how he wrangled that sweet deal. you may remember bradley manning as the wikileaker who released the infamous collateral murder video or perhaps for being the least athletic manning brother. hit the wheaties. now, since his arrest three years ago manning has been held in solitary confinement for 23 hours a day, forced to sleep naked without pillows and sheets on his bed. but i say he deserves it. for pete's sake the guy revealed that the united states tortures. partly through his document leak but mostly by how we tortured him. well, brace yourselves, folks because yesterday the judge in the military tribunal handed down a shocking decision. >> bradley manning is not guilty. not guilty of aiding the en

only ten cents. >> stephen: there it is. there it is. "martin luther king, jr., the montgomery story, how 50,000 negroes found a new way to end racial discrimination." did you buy this? >> well, someone gave me a copy. i didn't have ten cents and i read it and reread it and this book inspired me when i went away to school in nashville, tennessee. and inspired other young people. >> stephen: had you met dr. king at the time? >> i didn't meet him until 1958. >> stephen: so you had this before you met dr. king. so this would be like meeting superman to you! (laughter) >> well, it was meet mig hero. he became my hero. he became my inspiration, my leader. he inspired me to say no to segregation and racial discrimination. when i was growing up 50 miles from montgomery i saw those signs that said "white men" "colored men" "white women" "colored women" and i would ask my mother, father, grandparents? why they would say "that's the way it is. don't get in trouble. but rosa parks and martin luther king, jr. inspired me to get in trouble. so for mo