stephen! stephen! stephen stephen! stephen! stephen stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ( cheers and applause ). folks-- folks, i gotta tell you, i've got to tell you it is not often that an audience loves me so much i can hear it with my deaf ear. ( cheers and applause ). nation, i-- i gotta tell you, folks, i am furious at barack obama. ( laughter ) and i am vice-furious at joe biden. it seems like every day, another federal agency reveals their lack of leadership. case in point-- the bureau of engraving and printing has just produced a portrait of chief justice roberts that in no way captures the elfin twinkle in his eye. ( laughter ) this kind of work, and i'm supposed to spend the money these people print? no thanks. and now it turns out that the department of veterans affairs is lousy at helping veterans or their affairs. ( laughter ). >> stunning new revelations in the scandal rocking the veterans affairs department. >> a cnn investigation found 40 veterans died at the phoenix v.a. while awaiting

stephen colbert! i agree, i agree! tephen, i have to get this off my chest before it's too late. i find your idiocy brilliant, and i'm very happy you let me come back on your show before you're fired. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: let me know when that is, please. okay? because when i am fired, i want to do some crazy (bleep) the night before! >> as soon as i know, you will know. >> stephen: all right. all right. >> stephen: thank you very much. now, obviously, the people love you. they know you're the award-winning actor and producer. some films include shaw shank, million-dollar baby, dark trilogy, also the second-highest grossing actor of all time just behind tom hanks. what the (bleep)? (applause) what a jerk that guy is! what a jerk tom hanks is for beating you on that one! >> that's all right, i can talk to him. >> stephen: really? you talk to him about that. all right? tell him i'm mad. >> all right. >> stephen: you're also the host of the emmy nominated show "through the wormhole" on the s

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! welcome to the report. thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us. folks,-- (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much for being with us tonight. it's good to have you with us, tonight as all nights, folks as a bit of a clothes horse it's my job to remind you of the annual fashion dos and don'ts. for instance it is now after memorial day so you are allowed to wear white pants. but i don't recommend it because what you're about to hear is going to make you go to code brown jim in. >> today marks the beginning of the atlantic hurricane season. >> the beginning of the atlantic hurricane see. >>> hurricane season. >> yes, hurricane season seems to come earlier and earlier every year because thanks to global warning it never really ends. (laughter) but here's my number one hurricane season safety tip. if you live anywhere on the coast from galveston, texas, to wilmington, north carolina, don't. (laughter) now we've just

, stephen. this beaver is eager to do it. yay! [cheering and applause] >> stephen: now previously you've educated kids about the dangers of gluten and celiac disease. >> yep, kids, listen to your friend mcgnaw, don't eat bread, eat wood instead. >> stephen: kids, to be clear, in this example, wood is a metaphor for fruits and vegetables. >> or wood. >> stephen: let's move on. mcgnaw, are you prepared to join mr. squirrel and take on hillary clinton? >> you bet. i've got some questions about her decision to vote for the war in iraq. >> stephen: like? >> like why did she vote for it. >> stephen: okay. but you might want to pepper that with some beaver puns. >> like what? >> stephen: like if she had to do it over, "wood" she "chews" to do it again? huh? [applause] >> i don't know, stephen. that doesn't seem appropriate for the gravity of this subject. i was reading an article in "pro-publica," and i'm troubled by the fact that hillary clinton didn't even read the national intelligence estimate befo

[cheering and applause] nice to see you. >> stephen: nice to see you. >> nice to see you, too. >> stephenwearing tweed in june. >> seemed like the wrong choice. >> stephen: it is ballsy in that i guess you're sweating your balls off right now. you are correct, sir. >> stephen: for the few people in the western hemisphere who may not know it, you're an award-winning actor/"price is righter"/producer, best known for "40-year-old virin" and "clueless." you have a new movie called "they came together." it comes out tomorrow. that sounds like a dirty movie. is there any hardcore action in this? >> surprisingly no. but the title is meant to infer it i'd say. >> stephen: okay. why would you say there is hard core action in it. >> there's a ton of it. it is... >> jon: you go to bonetown? >> you go to bonetown. stay in bonetown for about 80 minutes. >> stephen: that's nice. that's kind of impressive. [laughter] i got a two-part question. what is the movie about, and given our modern overscheduled lives, that leave us so little time to read books or even be with lowferred one, should people be goin

whooo"no. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: whooo! whooo! >> stephen!phen! stephen! stephen. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. in here, out there, all around the world. you know why we're here. we're not here to frost cup cakes. we're not here to pussy foot around. so pull up your panties, ladies and gentlemen. it is time to drive the 18 wheeler of truth down the throats of our enemies. ( laughter ) now, folks for the past week i have been reporting on the alarming spread of the jihadist group isis. they've already swept through large swaths of iraq and syria, but now they have invaded hashtag-istan. jim. >> it's clear in terms of the social media competition among terrorists, this group is winning. >> all around the world supporters of the group are tweeting with the hashtag #alleyesonisi.>> stephen: oh, e on instagram. they have one filter to make all the photos seem like they're from the 1970s, and another filter that makes all their ideas seem like they're from the seventh cen

"stephen colbert's fallback position: astronaut" and -- >> stephen: and boom go the rice cakes.ew york could win, and for flavor, governor brown is mailing it in a box filled with delicious packing peanuts. i for one played the governor's choice of organic rice cakes. the only thing more stair typically jerry brown california, he could have wagered, could have been a wind chime made out of recycled one-hitters. but the stakes, folks, the stakes get even higher if new york loses. >> if the kings win, brown will get a commemorative hockey puck celebrating new york's three consecutive on-time budgets. >> stephen:, no, no we can't lose new york's legendary three-on-time hockey puck budget which was commissionered by governor cuomo in 2013 to commemorate his hat trick of fulfilling the basic obligations of his office. it's our proudest trophy of governmental self-congratulations since governor al smith's "we have paved roads" baseball bat. [cheering and applause] at least we can take some comfort in the fact that governor cuomo is still firmly in possession of the baseball that comme

thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, folks. sit down. folks thank you so much. oh, you, my brother, it was gorgeous and yum, " why um. thank you so much for being here tonight. i told you all about the recent surge of violence in iraq and how it caught president obama with his mom jeans down. ( laughter ) but you know what they say-- every brutal terrorist onslaught has a silver lining. in this case it brought back my old pals, the iraq pack, and they are sing the same old tune. >> look, i think we should have found a way to keep an american presence in iraq. >> president bush did exactly the right thing in overthrowing saddam hussein. >> i'm not responsible for iraq today. that's because of what barack obama did. >> general petraeus had the conflict won, thanks to the surge. we had the conflict won. and we had a stable government. >> stephen: john mccain is right-- we had that conflict won in 2009 when we left iraq a peaceful, smoldering democracy. ( laugh

>> the men. >> stephen: okay.u were a student at yale law school at the time. >> yep. >> stephen: okay. when you first came down in 1963, medgar evers met you at the bus station. tell the young people here again who medgar evers was and what happened to him that summer. >> medgar evers was martyr of the civil rights movement. medgar evers was the head of the naacp in the state of mississippi. mississippi was at that point so far behind the rest of the country that it had not even had sit-ins, things where we need to sit in and say we're entitled to have a cup of coffee. they hadn't even had those. he had to leave those. and there were very few lawyers, much less law students like me, so when i came, he wanted me to remain in jackson, whereas i had promised to go to the delta, which was the heart of the worst part of mississippi where people couldn't vote. we put me on a bus after showing me around jackson all day, went home and was shot in the back. martyr of the civil rights movement. >> stephen: and that's your

bill... >> stephen: stealing jazz, rock 'n' roll. >> vanilla ice. >> stephen: exactly.. ta-nehesia coates. "the atlantic." we'll be right back. so, your site gave me this "credit report card" thing. can i get my actual credit report... like, the one the bank sees? [ male voice ] sheesh, i feel like i'm being interrogated over here. [ male voice ] she's onto us. dump her. [ pay phone rings ] hello? oh, man. that never gets old. no, it does not. [ female announcer ] not all credit report sites are equal. experian.com members get personalized help and a real credit report. join now at experian.com with enrollment in experian credit tracker. join now at experian.com ♪ this little light of mine ♪ i'm gonna let it shine ♪ this little light of mine [kids fighting] ♪ i'm gonna let it shine ♪ this little light of mine ♪ i'm gonna let it shine believe in yourself -- we do. go you. cigna. tell us how being true to yourself keeps you healthy at cigna.com/goyou berry pomegranate mio. do i just squirt a little? or you can squirt a lot. ...really changes your water. it changes everyth

bill... >> stephen: stealing jazz, rock 'n' roll. >> vanilla ice. >> stephen: exactly.l, good luck. ta-nehesia coates. "the atlantic." we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] kellogg's krave! a totally different breed of chocolate cereal. wicked crunch outside. smooth chocolate inside. krave cereal! take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, if you dare. ♪ [ male announcer ] give extra. get extra. ♪ brewed for more this ispirited nights.tune. it's undistilled, yet it has a smooth clean finish. you might choose a regular beer, but then you might get a regular night. miller fortune. your fortune awaits. >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. good night. comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>'s 11:59 and 5 the seconds this happened on instagram today t was a huge weekend for sports. the world cup start, not a single team's goalie has been beheaded so put that in the win column.

thathank you so much for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i'm not surprised-- folks. i join you in your celebration. i know where that good feeling is rooted. because, nation, once again, if you read the papers,un that once again, it is a great day for our country in that it is a terrible day for barack obama. he is facing a firestorm of criticism after trading five high-level taliban fighters for captured bowe bergdahl. it's a scandal some are calling berg-d-ghazi. so far, it's just me, but it's going to catch on. on tuesday, at the g7 summit in poland, the president defended his actions. >> let me just make a very simple point here, and that is regardless of the circumstances, whatever those circumstances may turn out to be, we still get an measure soldier back from captivity. period. >> stephen: you can't argue with that. comma. or can you. question mark. of course, we want to get every american soldier back. because the tv has some questions. >> is he an american hero or a deserter? >> a membe

uh, uh, jay. >> stephen. >> stephen: stephen colbert, the "colbert report."art question. jay, are you going to answer any of my questions today? >> i'll say a lot. >> stephen: you'll say a lot? all right. are you still working for the white house officially right now? >> i have another 24 hours as white house press secretary, so -- >> stephen: okay, good. ( cheers and applause ). so i can still maintain a healthy contempt for you. because as soon as you're not working for that guy, you know i'm going to like you. >> well i hope so. >> stephen: what are you going to do? first of all, why are you quitting, you quitter? could you not take it? >> i got an e-mail from somebody calling me a quitter. >> stephen: you are a quitter, quitter. man up. there's a war about to start in iraq again. come on. don't you want to answer those questions? >> you know, i got an e-mail earlier this year from someone who said,un," you're the longest serving white house press secretary since the mid-90s." and i chebd, and it's true. i didn't quite realize that it was such a high-burno

to >> no, it's okay. >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: john greenhe book and there's a movie. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] [ beep ] oh, hey jim, this is my sister, lisa. [ jim ] mmmmm. so, hot. whoo! mmmmm. that is hot! [ male announcer ] made with real cheese and premium cuts of meat. [ ding! ] ♪ hot pockets! and premium cuts of meat. [ male announcer ] the mercedeis here.ummer event now get e unmistakable thrill... and the incredible rush... of the mercedes-benz you've always wanted. ♪ but you better get here fast... [ daughter ] yay, daddy's here! here you go, honey. thank you. [ male announcer ] ...because a good thing like this... phew! [ male announcer ] ...won't last forever. see your authorized dealer for an incredible offer on the exhilarating c250 sport sedan. but hurry, offers end soon. share your summer moments in your mercedes-benz with us. lookin' good, flo! feelin' good! feelin' real good! [ engine revs ] boat protection people love. now, that's progressive. call or click today. don't just visit new york visit tripadvi

[ patriotic music ] >> stephen: now are probably thinking, stephen, why are you celebrating at the top of your show. well, greg, for months now you've been fed a vicious lie that the tea party is dead but it turns out -- >> it's alive, it's alive! it's alive! >> stephen: it's alive! it's alive! jim. >> a tea-party take down. house majority leader eric cantor sent out of office sending shock waves through washington and the country. >> the stunning election no one saw coming. >> stephen: no one saw coming least of all eric cantor who helped create the tea party by stitching together dead ideas and then filling them with rage giving it a jolt of power and letting it loose on the countryside terrified of fire and science. i mean, who -- who -- [cheers and applause] >> stephen: who could ever imagine it would come back to kill its creator. who know who it will devour next. daddy loves you, tea party. oh, god, we have to keep it happy. we must find it a bride. yes! yes! so life like. now, i want you to know, tea party, that the candidate you chose is someone i backed since day one if you st

[cheering and applause] [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: i'll wait. >> i would like your pacf i gave you my pac list, that would be a federal offense, for which neither of us would be punished in any way. senator james webb, "i heard my country calling." we'll be right back. thank you, senator. >> stephen: that's it for "the report," eve captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [♪] damn it! put the teethy wrench on the square thing and jiggle it left. [dishwasher whirring] thanks. by the way, that square thing is a hampton bolt and a manacheck maneuver. hey. hey, i'm just here for the tater tots. wait. look, i know you think you made your mind up about plumbing, and i respect that. but come to the third floor men's room tomorrow after 3.

bill... >> stephen: stealing jazz, rock 'n' roll. >> vanilla ice. >> stephen: exactly.d luck. ta-nehesia coates. "the atlantic." we'll be right back. you told us your number one olive garden dishes. now they're part of our 2 for $25 guest favorites! get your all-time favorites like creamy chicken alfredo. plus unlimited salad and breadsticks and dessert. 2 for $25 guest favorites at olive garden. yo,move fast fruit flavor,fe, watermelon, blue razz green apple. your taste buds dancing. it's the jolly rancher, we make it happen. untamed fruit flavor. jolly rancher. (the 2014 chevy equinox) comes with great features... ...like usb connectivity, so you can enjoy your favorite music. mom! mom! mom! mom! mom! mom! hi mom. and a multi-flex sliding rear seat, for your passenger's comfort and your own. start your summer off right and get this 2014 chevy equinox ls for around $199 per month. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. with new jolly rancher filled gummy bites? not today. bites. little greatness. what does an apron have to do with car insurance? an apron is hard wo

stephen's family couldn't believe it since the two often worked late together. >> stephen would bringecifically that he knew was the type of music that wilson liked so that they could put it in and it would go through the whole store and they could be listening to that music while they were working. >> wilson saintil went to the ceremonies to honor the deceased, hugged family members, cried when it was appropriate. there was no flight issues. there was no obvious signs that we needed to suspect him of anything. >> but investigators naturally went further, comparing saintil's dna to the blood droplets on the kitchen counter and faucet. >> those six foreign male dna profiles found at the scene did match the suspect in the case. >> the 51-year-old haitian national was arrested on suspicion of murder. >> do you have anything to say at all? >> they've got the wrong guy. >> they got the wrong guy? >> yes. >> you didn't kill stephen holmes? >> no. >> you don't know anything about it? >> stephen was my good friend. >> although his blood and fingerprint were both at the scene, police had a pro

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody.u so much. folks, you know, i'll tell you, folks, as a millennial, i always keep up with the latest hashtag memes from the at internet dot app. for instance, have you seen the iraqi spokesman whose name is saad maan? it's funny because the situation there is traagaac. but there's another star blowing up the inner tubes right now, and his name is jeremy meeks. and he's your classic bad boy. in that police in stockton, california, believe him to be quite dangerous. >> man in northern california will be formally charged today in a weapons case, but that is not why he's getting all this attention. look at this face. >> meet jeremy meeks. his mugshot has gone viral. all over facebook and all over the world. on stockton's page, more than 24,000 likes and more than. 6,000 comments. vanessa vieira writing, "if this guy broke into my house,'d make him forget why he broke in, in 30 seconds. lol." another person wrote, "i've got 50 shades on him. oh, god, yes." >> stephen: just look at him, that

bill... >> stephen: stealing jazz, rock 'n' roll. >> vanilla ice. >> stephen: exactly.ell, good luck. ta-nehesia coates. "the atlantic." we'll be right back. padvil pm gives you the healingu at nsleep you need, it. helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. mounta taco bell original, is now in bottles and cans. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- aaaaaaaaaaaaa! what?! get some while you still can. here this summer. gone this summer. they like to put a.1. on pork but not beans. they also like to sit on the same side of the booth. you don't have to like everything the mctaggarts like. put a.1. on whatever you want. a.1. for almost everything. almost. >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. good night. comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>'s 11:59 and 5 the seconds this happened on instagram today t was a huge weekend for sports. the world cup start, not a single team's goalie has been beheaded so put that in the win column. the spurs beated the heat and old age to win t

>> yeah. >> stephen: all right. sherman everybody knows you're the author of the absolutely true diary of a part-time indian. why is amazon doing this to us? >> i'm just happy to be here. if amazon had been in charge of the travel it would have taken me two to five weeks to get here. >> yeah, yeah. (applause) >> they're doing because they won a monopoly. they control 40 to 50% of the book market and they want more. and the only way they can do that is by forcing the price lower and lower and lower and making it impossible for more and more publishers to publish their book. >> is this a giant, is this a giant creating monopoly trying to crush the little guy? >> no, it's two giants fighting each other. hachette is a big corporation. a giant corporation but without do i root for then. >> you root for the author. you root for the author, that's you. >> that's me. >> we're good for each other because i was on my side but i wanted to make sure. what can we as the victim in this fight, what can we do to fight back? >> numb

[cheering and applause] [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: i'll wait. >> i would like your pacld be a federal offense, for which neither of us would be punished in any way. senator james webb, "i heard my country calling." we'll be right back. thank you, senator. hey you won't believe how much good stuff is in the pizza hut dinner box and you won't believe the price. t a pizza, 5 breadsticks, and 10 cinnamon sticks that's 17 bucks worth of food! for $8.99 when you carry out. but ycan believe it, because i'm telling you it's true. and i'm a celebrity! really... so our business can be on at&t's network for $175 dollars a month? yup. all five of you for $175. our clients need a lot of attention. there's unlimited talk and text. we're working deals all day. you get 10 gigabytes of data to share. what about expansion potential? add a line anytime for 15 bucks a month. low dues... great terms... let's close. introducing at&t mobile share value plans... ...with our best-ever pricing for business. am rich. my social circle includes captains of industry, former secretaries of state, oil

to >> no, it's okay. >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: john greenere's a movie. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] ♪ stuck in a contract ? switch to t-mobile we'll pay your early termination fees so you can get the galaxy s 5 for $0 down right now! ♪ steep that's it for "the report," everybody. good night. captioning sponsorey comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central >> it's 11:59 and 5 second this happened on youtube, twitter was glued to the worlds cup when it look like america was going pull a huge upset on portugal, and then that happened. dammit! come on, america

to >> no, it's okay. >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: john greennd there's a movie. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] really... so our business can be on at&t's network for $175 dollars a month? yup. all five of you for $175. our clients need a lot of attention. there's unlimited talk and text. we're working deals all day. you get 10 gigabytes of data to share. what about expansion potential? add a line anytime for 15 bucks a month. low dues... great terms... let's close. introducing at&t mobile share value plans... ...with our best-ever pricing for business. water has a persistence. a persistence to cut through mountains. and carve out valleys. it takes the same kind of determination to build your dreams. in 1873, adolph coors came here to build his. a dream of brewing a beer with pure rocky mountain water. and to this day, it's made the same way. persistence. it has its benefits. coors. the banquet beer. how can you see yourself in new glasswithout your glasses? at lenscrafters, our unique camera and screen system lets you compare your

>> stephen: i think they're seeking sex. >> actually, no. >> stephen: no?> no. >> stephen: no. >> no. i think it's a very easy thing that we often want to think that affairs are about sex. fairs are very little about sex and a lot about desire. affairs are... >> stephen: desire for... >> desire for attention, desire to experience a sense of aliveness, vibe si, vitality. >> stephen: in the groinal aerial. >> the groinallary is a very narrow view of where sex takes place. >> stephen: some are wider than others. [cheering and applause] please. go ahead. okay. >> , so you know... >> stephen: so happy people have fairs. >> yes. because sometimes we don't only leave a partner because we want to find somebody else, but sometimes we actually want to find another self. >> stephen: find another self? >> yes. there is something about affairs that allows people to reconnect with lost parts of themselves. >> stephen: oh, so, hon year, i wasn't pushing you away, i was just pulling me towards myself. i wasn't actually cheating on you, i was finding me. that's great line.

[laughter] >> stephen: oh, no, english accent guy? >> i had a dream like two days before that i scored in the 88th minute, and now it's the 86th minute. >> you had a dream about that? >> i had a dream. >> stephen: he had a dream. he is the martin luther king of soccer. free kick at, last free kick last, thank god almighty, free kick last. after the victory, fans across america went wild, and of course the team celebrated the traditional soccer way by loading into mom's minivan and heading to pizza hut where john brooks continued his hot streak on mrs. pacman. go, u.s.a.! now, nation, my soccer team isn't the only reason i'm feeling like a winner. one week ago today house majority leader and lenscrafters model understudy eric cantor lost his primary race to an unknown tea partier, david brat. now that cantor is out as majority leader, conservatives have already started the race to replace him. my predictions for that race: white. but, folks, cantor's downfall highlights a problem for the rnc. >> his support for immigration reform is th