>> stephen: me. you're not here? >> stephen: no. am i here? >> stephen: no. this is a pre-tape. you're in the past. >> when in the past? >> stephen: two weeks ago. oh. >> stephen: my question is, jeff, should i come back to do my show live in new york tonight, which involves me taking the red eye back from los angeles after the emmys, or should i just play a show i recorded two weeks ago? >> who was the guest? >> stephen: you are. oh! sounds like a pretty cool show. let me do the whole pros and cons thing with this deal. >> stephen: okay. what are the pros of you flying back and doing the show live? >> stephen: well, the material will be more topical, which fulfills what i believe is a sacred trust between me and my audience. >> and the cons are... >> stephen: i don't want to. there's your answer, man, right there. >> stephen: (laughter) one of the things is my audience might miss me talking about whether or not i won the emmy. >> no problemo. you just take one of these camera phone things with you. >> stephen: i've seen one of those. >> and then at the emmys, whether you win or

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much for joining us. folks,-- what a lovely mob. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, you know-- if you've been watching this show, if you've been watching this show for the past five years, and i hope su have been, it's no secret that barack obama is ruining our economy. ask yourself-- ask yourself this question. under his leadership are you as rich as you'd like to be? i know i could imagine me having more money. (laughter) well, just listen the latest monetary policy the president is getting from his so-called economic advisors. >> last week a young girl wrote to ask me why aren't there any women on our currency. and then she gave me like a long list of possible women to put on our dollar bills and quarters and stuff. which i thought was pretty good idea. >> stephen: a pretty good idea? a pretty good idea? just look at our money. it took over 200 years for our currency to achieve the perfect balance of dead white guys and secret illu

thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. mwa! folks-- i can't stop these people. i can't stop them. ( cheers and applause ). thank you. ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, we've got a big show to do. folks, we've got a big show to do. i know. i would try to stop you from chanting but we know what happens when someone tries to stop the colbert nation. ( cheers ) these people are locked and loaded. folks, speaking of which, you know i'm a proud supporter of the second amendment. i consider it first among amendments that aren't the first one. ( laughter ) these days we gun advocates are being treated like common crim nalz. >> a 54-year-old research doctor arrested after he entered an airport terminal carrying an assault rifle. dr. peter steinmetz was carrying an ar-15 over his shoulder when he was taken into custody last week. he told police he visited the airport to simply buy a cup of coffee. ( laughter ) >> stephen, of course. you gotta go to the airport for coffe

(applause) >> stephen: they're going to clap -- >> what do they know. >> stephen: you are playing theod for child card. okay. is this based on children being able to get access to equal education? >> that's exactly right. there was a similar case in california. and the plaintiffs in that case won. and some of our plaintiffs the other night are happy to be here. >> stephen: you can mention t i will edited it out but you can mention it. the thing is aren't you opening a can of worms there because if you say the kids are entitled to equal education f that is your argument, doesn't that mean eventually you're going to say every child in the state of new york should have the same amount of money spent on their education? rich community, poor community, pool it all in, split it all up among bobe , susie and billy everywhere. because the argument is everyone gets the same opportunity. >> but you're suggesting that it's all about the money. and i think-- . >> stephen: you're suggesting it's about equality and money is one of the equations in equality or have i just schooled you? >> there have

(audience chanting) >> stephen: welcome!cheers and applause) welcome to th "the report," everybody! whether you know it or not, i have big news for you now. you have joined us on an historic night. this week marks the 40th anniversary of the resignation of richard milhous jowlsworth nixon. (laughter) we were going to have a balloon drop in his honor, but, instead, we just decided to secretly drop them over cambodia. (laughter) this is a solemn day for me because nixon is my all-time favorite non-reagan president, non-cheney vice president, and non-oats quaker. (laughter) to this day, nixon's 1972 campaign poster hangs in my office. it reminds me of a simpler time in america, when my parents seemed very tall and you'd get a gold star just for using the toilet. (laughter) folks, before we delve into the so-called scandal that cost us this great leader, let's get to know the man. richard nixon was born in 1913 in yorba linda, california. even at an early age, he refused to wear makeup, which is why even his mother preferred ken

>> well, you're not in it, stephen? >> stephen: oh, aren't i? you ever notice how president of turkmenistan gurbanguly berd-muha-meadow are never in the same room at the same time. >> no! >> stephen: oh, yes. >> stephen: and, madam, it is not just your name dropping i call into question. i question cur title. it's called "hard choices." but there aren't any real hard choices in here. >> what about negotiating fragile alliances and treaty. >> stephen: oh, i'm talking about real hard choices-- eternal questions like which would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses? ( cheers and applause ). >> well -- >> stephen: boom! >> now, i admit that is a valid question. here's what i'd do. first, i'd try to find common ground between ducks and horses. for instance, they both grew up on old mcdonald's farm. then, i'd establish a timetable to achieve meaningful horse-duck dialogue. ( laughter ) and, stephen, i'm convinced-- with patience and a strong commitment from our allies, the pigs and the geese, we'd have peace-peace here, peace

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!phen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody! good to have you with us! nation, i got to tell you, folks, i got to tell you, it is wonderful to hear that from this audience. thank you, thank you, heroes! thank you, nation, thank you! folks, you know, if you are checking the papers and looking at the tvs there's just so much sad news out there these days that tonight i would like to kick things off with a hot shot, a pick me up from what i like to call stephen colbert's smile file. tonight on the smile file tyrannical north korean dictator kim jung-un. folks, this mad man lives a constant state of stern disapproval. but even before he came to power young un made no time for frivolity. just listen to this actual cnn interview with his old border schoolroom mate from switzerland. >> did you go out in the night, you never go out, on disco or make party, never. >> stephen: that's right, he not even as a teen he never go out on disco or make

>> stephen: are you here? >> i'm here. >> stephen: are you alive on the planet now?i'm hanging in. >> stephen: your work crossed with a lot of boundaries, you featured in spikily's red hook summer and the h.b.o. series tramay was based in part on your family. >> yeah. >> stephen: are you the one with the dragons? is that your family? >> no, we just got a field of cows, you know. >> stephen: a field of cows, okay. this is the new orleans one. there's a fair amount of nudity in the tramay. is there a fair amount of nudity in your family? >> well there's a fair amount of nudity in my life, you know. (cheering) >> stephen: congratulations, my friend! let's talk jazz a second here. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: you're going to jazz at us in a little while. >> yeah. >> stephen: do i need a college professor to explain jazz with a cigarette and diagram? do i need someone to explain to me why i do enjoy a modal scale? >> you can go that right, do anything you like, it's america (laughter) but i think the best way is to just sit back and feel it, man. improvisation is forever. eve

(audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome! welcome, everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks... folks... i'm sure you know, but america's relationship with russia continues to degrade. finally, a true strong leader stepped up to punish russia and, no surprise, it's vladimir putin. (laughter) jim? >> vladimir putin is striking back against the west's economic sanctions. today banning food imports to russia for one year. >> for the next year they are banning all imports of beef, pork, fruit, vegetable, poultry, seafood, cheese and milk in all forms -- fresh, frozen, processed, whatever -- and this applies to european union, australia, canada and norway. >> stephen: yeah, putin is impose ago ban on food imports from all major countries -- and norway. (laughter) i mean, face it. no one wants lutefisk. sanctions cafe' wide, banning everything from australian beef to latin and lithuanian pork and moldovan fruit, a relief to all the moldovan people who all really had their eye ton that pear. (laughter) the sanctions strikes at putin's worst en

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. (cheers and applause) just hearing you chant like that just hearing you chrant chant like that is i got to say, your chanting, your adulation that just felt like a cork being tossed around in a typhoon of love. folks if you watch the news you know the conflicts continue to rage all around the world an tonight i'm sad to report yet another international-- another international dispute. >> justin bieber and orlando bloom in a heated argument. that is actor orlando bloom arguing with pop star justin bieber. overnight at a restaurant in ibiza spain. a club-goer telling that bloom had thrown a punch at bieber. >> stephen: early reports-- reports indicate that justin bieber had his first hit in years. the roots of this conflict-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, the roots of this conflict are, of course, byzantine and ancient. in 2012 orlando bloom was married to australian model miran

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! so much! you know, folks, i don't think it comes to a surprise that i enjoy a libation from time to time. there's nothing like a stiff drink for relaxing at the end of a stressful day, or to take the edge off while driving your car through a crowded city park. but let's face it -- drinking can be complicated. where's the bottle opener bottle opener? which glass do i use? who is that guy on trish's facebook page? is that danny from work?! what happened to "us?" we were gonna go camping. i bought a "canoe." fortunately, there's a new device that takes all the guesswork out of getting boozejuice into your mouth-hole. jim? what if there was a brand new way to enjoy your alcholic beverages that will get the party started faster and won't slow you down. introducting vapeshot vaporizing spirits. now you can enjoy vaporized alcohol any time at home or one of your awesome parties. vapeshot mini is designed to vaporize alcohol that you can enjoy with a straw. it hits you instantly and kickstart

♪ (cheers and applause) (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcomeo "the report," everybody. thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, folks! it is good to know that the colbert nation is standing strong no matter what happens all around the world because, folks, for months, the world has been shocked by the brutal terrorist group i.s.i.s. don't be fooled just because they have the same name your lonely aunt gave her cat. (laughter) these guys are pure evil. tv, scare us till it's brown downtown! >> i.s.i.s. is brutal? they are animals -- beheadings, crucifixions, mass executions or live burials, enlivement of women. they certainly aren't the j.v. team of al quaida. they're the green bay packers. >> stephen: yes, they're the green bay packers, but with beheadings. so slightly less head trauma than the n.f.l. and yes -- (applause) -- yes, the u.s. did hit i.s.i.s. with airstrikes in iraq. but that just drove them back into syria, where, last week they captured a major air base. although, i don't know what good that wil

(laughter) >> stephen: you know how it is!ou know how it is, you see your youth slipping away, so you go out and get an exotic new sports tank, and cheat on your wife with your other wives. and you try to diet, but you still can't fit into your high school suicide vest. worst of all, isis has now attracted the most violent, heavily-armed people on earth -- americans. >> new details emerging about american jihadist douglas mccain. he wasn't the only terrorist to come from robbinsdale coopers high school in minnesota. we now know troy castagar who went overseas to fight an al quaida group with mccain's classmate. could there be a third terrorist athill robbinsdale coopers? this gunmen is wearing a shirt saying cooper hawks, the same as the high school mascot. >> stephen: cooper hawks! they leave it "all" out on the field. especially after a drone strike. their prom theme this year was israel under the sea. (laughter) and while isis is a relatively new terror group, this conflict has its roots in the seventh-century sunni-shiite

stephen: okay.s that liberating or was that confining as an acker? what do you get from that? that's better than not seeing that face. >> well, you get the lie in the morning, take many days off, really because i'm under the head for most of it and just had to come in for the last scene. >> stephen: oscar wildee said if he wants to get the truth from a man give him a mask. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, so what truth can you as an acker tell with a mask that you can't tell with your face? >> that's a good point. >> stephen: thank you, we don't even have to go on, i guess. i like hear ug say that i made a good point. >> i mean-- for me i wanted-- i wanted to take the head with me and do all jobs with the head. it is very sort of liberating, i suppose, if you've gone to you know, halloween or a fancy dress party or anything and you wear a mask, it's quite liberating because you feel kind of invincible. people don't know who you are. >> stephen: do you go to fancy dress parties with a mask on. >> i like to

(cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! this is what worries me. do you have time, you know, for a family life, you know, you're a good looking guy, i'm told. i done know, i'm not into that seen but i'm told are you a good looking guy am you have to settle down, you are so busy, when are you going to have kids can, you know, life is short. >> i mean 40 is like the average age for people that i know to have kids. >> yeah. >> stephen: wow, okay. >> so i got four more years. >> stephen: by the way, speaking of relationships, where do you come down on this whole bieber orlando bloom situation, where do you think? you know those guys. >> i'm team bloom, i got to say. >> now you have a new movie out, an adaptation of a mccarthy novel called "child of god ". >> yes,. >> stephen: tell the good people what the story is about, it's a cheerful little tale i would say that the tight sell ironic. it's about a man who is cast out of civilized society and goes and lives in the woods. in fact, deep down, there is a line in the book, he's a

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, folks, good to have you with us, in here, out there, all around the world! folks, thank you so much for being here. it's-- it's great to know i have your support. while i am primarily a pundit and newsman my media empire extends all throughout the entertainment industry. because in addition to this show i have my best selling children's book. my alpha squad 7 graphic novel and my family friendly ku klux cartoons. call me anything, jr., okay, or you're the racist. but even media moguls like me got to stay connected to the fans. and there's no better place to do that than at this weekend's san diego comic con where every conceivable sci-fi, tv show or book moneymaker for at least 130,000 rabid attendees. it is an orgy of people who will probably not be invited to the orr gy. (laughter) but besides, besides being the super bowl of marketing. it is also the world series of cosplay. you can be batman, superman, dead pool, hawk cat, lady thor, mystique, princess leia, bobafet

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much, thank you, welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. (cheers and applause) thanks, everybody. it's wonderful to be here. as i said, folks, folks, it's so good. it's so good. thank you. i think you know i need your energy, folks t is so good. it is so good to have you with us. and it's good to have me with you. please v a seat. because folks, i was on brake the last two weeks, finally got to some long delayed projects in my woodworking shop. i have been trying to make some really nice book ends am but i can never quite get them to match. so instead, i want won two emmies. (cheers and applause) you know what-- yeah, yeah. point is, the point is, folks, these are meaningless. and i will kill you if you try to take them. the point is, i'm back. which is good. because without me around for the past two weeks the world went into a big old tragedy party it was like don't tell mom the baby-sitter's dead except everyone is dead. and we haven't