>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much., sit down. thank you very much! thank you! ( cheers ) thank you. that was beautiful. very nice. hello! thank you very much. please, sit down. thank you very much! >> stephen! stephen. >> stephen: we've got a lot of show to do. thank you very much, thank you very much, thank you. f hello, nation! well, if i knew you were going to do that, i would have come out here months ago. thank you for joining me for my first episode of "the late show with" starring stephen colbert. i am he. you are witnessing television history, and, like most history, it's not on the history channel. ( laughter ) i'm so excited to be here right now. i'm also excited to be "at home" six hours from now watching this on tv. hi, me! ( cheers and applause ) hey. don't tell me how it went. i'm watching this later. no spoilers. we've been working so hard to get the show ready for you, and, i have to say, as long as i have nine months to make one hour of tv, i could do this forever. with this show, i begin the search fo

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the late show." please sit down. thank you very much. welcome to the the "late show"." i am your host, stephen colbert. and this is your band, jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! i think y'all might be the band tonight. okay. i'm very excited. one of the nicest things about this show is to cover the election, and tonight, the second republican debate has already happened on cnn. i haven't watched it yet, in keeping with the proud american tradition of not watching cnn. ( laughter ) ( applause ) if you've seen it, no spoilers! do not tell me which ethnic group donald trump insulted or how much the audience applauded. we've got a delicious show for you tonight. i hope you brought a bib because we've got kevin spacey. ( cheers and applause ) incredible. incredible. he's nominated for an emmy this weekend for his work on "house of cards" playing president frank underwood, who is an evil fictional

(cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: wow! cheers laws. >> stephen: that is lovely. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's nice. that's nice. hello, everybody. thank you so much, please. thank you so much, everybody. my god, what lovely-- what lovely voices you all have. i love to hear you sing the national anthem some day. (laughter) >> stephen: hey, everybody, i'm stephen colbert and this is the late show. welcome to it. (cheers and applause) now while this is officially the late show, i'm sure for some of you watching this it's actually the midafternoon on your work computer until you hear your boss coming show. i'll make it seem like we're skyping about work stuff. i tell you, my takeaway from this meeting is that we need to cut spending on overhead if we want to grow the yield year-to-date. i need to know, can one of you tell me who is going to honcho that efforting. again, i think you're doing a bang up job. you totally saved our bacon this year. head hunted so aggressively.

it can't just be you and me, stephen. >> stephen: all right.ence this with a lot of people, but when my wife went up to see the little dinner chart of where i'm supposed to sit, you said to me right before we went to the dinner, you're sitting with me tonight. my wife said, i can't believe you're sitting with the first lady. i said, honey, you're very sweet, how endearing you think she meant that. we thought you were clearly joking. when she sat next to me, you know when your mom said eat your dinner sitting straight because some day you might have dinner at the white house, i didn't blow it? >> you were charming. >> stephen: oh, thank you. i didn't want to tear up the leather. >> you didn't overshadow our guest of honor. >> stephen: yes, he's -- quite debonary. >> stephen: so much debonary in such a small package, too. >> you said that. >> stephen: yes. not me. >> stephen: i saw you briefly this weekend at the global citizens festival. >> amazing. (applause) you did a great job. >> stephen: huge jack man. my issue for that weekend was girls ed

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: very nice! gotta be in it! >> stephen, stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much! not only-- not only-- i gotta say, not only is it pleasant to hear your voice chanted, but that took so long, i was able to catch my breath after that kicking. welcome to "the late show." i'm your stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) it's tuesday, or as i like to call it, wednesday eve. don't forget to leave some milk and cookies out for father humpday! he likes to stress-eat. that's what gave him the hump. hey, did you guys watch the new "daily show" last night? the new "daily show"? did anybody see that? i did, and i have to say, it was great. jon stewart is looking tan and rested. i do not know-- did you see it? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: i don't know where he went on his vacation, but he came back with a kind of adorable accent. glad you shaved the beard, jon. looking forward to trevor noah, i've heard great things about that nigh. from the new movie "freeheld", my guest is the great ellen page. tiny, packed with tale

thank you very much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen: thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) thanks very much. thank you, thank you for chanting my name for the last nine months the only place i could hear that was my alarm clock. hi, everybody. i'm sitting over here, now. before, i was standing. now i'm sitting. that's why it's called a variety show-- anything can happen. you know, folks, there are so many variables in what makes a successful rup for the president-- experience; policies; do the koch bothers like you? or do they "like" like you? but these days one of the most important factors in a successful campaign is the online merchandise store, where you can buy candidate-themed t-shirts, mugs and trucker caps. lots of great gift ideas for everyone you know named rand. ( laughter ) of course, it's important for candidates to set themselves apart with one-of-a-kind items like hillary clinton's "chillary" drink koozie. it's her favorite way to keep a beverage cold unless polling indicates a more popular cooling method,

. >> stephen: hey! (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much, everybody, thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome, everybody! (cheers and applause) welcome to the late show. thank you very much. please, sit down, everybody. thanks so much. welcome to the late show with, as it says on the sign up there, jim a shot of the sign there is the late show with i'm your host stephen colbert down here in cbs land. i used to be on basic cable, had a great time over there but now i'm on network tv. it's a lot different. for instance, this year on cbs we got super bowl 50! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's right. roman numeral l. super bowl lllll. some reason they're not going with the roman numerals this year which i believe say mistake. i think the two things in life are important enough to deserve roman numerals. super bowl and popes. (laughter) how great, how great would it be, how great would it be if the pope played the halftime show with bruno mars? (laughter) do

(audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. that is either one of the nicest greetings i've ever gotten, or am i dreaming in a tennis ball-induced coma right now? ladies and gentlemen, for anyone wondering, this is a comedy show. would anyone like to hear a joke? (cheering) okay. here we go. (knocking) knock, knock. >> who's there? >> stephen: orange. orange, who? >> stephen: speaking of donald trump... >> yeah! >> stephen: the republican frontrunner is now running fronter than ever before in the polls. nothing seems to stop this man despite the fact he's facing tough questions finally. like this one from upcoming cnn debate moderator hugh hewitt. >> hewitt: at the debate, i may bring up nasrallah being with hezbollah, and al-julani being with al-nusra, and al-masri being with hamas. do you think if i ask people to talk about those three things, and the differences, that that's a gotcha question? >> trump: yes, i do. i totally do. i think it's ridiculous. >> hewitt: so the difference between hezbollah and hamas does not matter

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i got him! welcome! thank you, jon. welcome to "the late show." thank you very much, everybody. welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert." hey, everybody, everybody see yesterday's, thursday night's football game? you all see that. i saw it by accident because i tried to watch my show last night. once again, i got bumped by "thursday night football." this time, my show didn't start until 12:35 a.m. and last night was my special pope show, so football didn't just bump me. it bumped the pope. ( laughter ) fellas, god gives you all those touchdowns, and this is how you thank him? now this is going to happen five more times this season, so i guess i shouldn't work so hard on thursdays. please tune in next week for my new segment, "stephen colbert orders take out and waits for it to arrive." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and-- ooum so glad-- people love takeout. it's very exciting. anyway, i am so glad you could be here

welcome to "the late show." >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!heers ) ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah >> stephen: thank you. please sit down. thank you so much. thank you for that. welcome to the "late show with stephen colbert"! i'm your host, stephen colbert. folks, you know what i don't like-- and it might be just me-- you know what i don't like, injustice. whenever there's someone oppressing someone else, i'm right there. on the sidelines. feeling bad about it. but now, a great injustice has been righted because a federal court in los angeles just struck down the century-long copyright to the song "happy birthday to you!" it's now public domain! ( cheers and applause ) freedom! freedom! this is especially poignant for me because when i started off as an actor, i was mostly a waiter for years. and at the restaurant i worked at, if a customer had a birthday, they'd get a free chocolate mousse, and management told us we could sing any song we wanted as long as it wasn't happy birthday because of the copyright issue. this is a true story. this is the actual s

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: whoo! stay human, everybody! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!n! stephen. >> stephen: that's awfully nice. ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody. please, sit down. thank you so much. you know, i love, i love to start my day with people chanting my name. you know, along with juice, toast, and milk it's part of your balanced breakfast. good evening, everybody. please sit down. we have very expensive seats. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, with stephen colbert. pope francis arrived in america today, and i feel terrible because i was supposed to pick him up at the airport, and i totally spaced. and now he's not answering my texts. i don't even know if he charges his phone. you know, he's an old guy. if you're watching this right now, your holiness, just wait at the cinnabon. i'm come and get you as soon as the show is over, okay? ( cheers and applause ) get you as soon as the show is over, okay? ( cheers and applause ) don't go anywhere. i feel terrible. i feel-- he's never going to forgive me, never! ( laughter ) one of the reasons i f

stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's not bad. well, well, well shucks, everybody. you know, i may just be a simple country boy and maybe i shoudn't even be weighin' in on high-falutin' goin's on like politickin'-- but somebody dun gone and went and did done give me a show on the tv. y'all mind if i talk about the election this year? ( cheers and applause ) the 2016 presidential race is gearing up, and you can tell because lately the news has been full of disturbing reminders that there's a place called iowa. ( laughter ) welcome back, old friend. welcome back. we were you. and so far, most of the attention has been on the republicans. i don't know why. ( laughter ) the actual size of his head, by the way. here's some frun trivia. there are also democrats running for president. and the democratic nomination was supposed to be a cake walk to a slam dunk. hillary clinton's got name recognition, tons of cash, and seven enchanted horcruxes. but cngt be destroyed. cannot be destroyed. but a funny thing happened on the way to her nomination: and it's vermont senator and g

stephen. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen!ers and applause ) welcome to the late show. thank you so much, everybody. jon batiste and stay human. how about that. welcome. thank you. >> stephen, steve! stephen! thank you so much. i think more people should get that when they walk into work. i'm your host, stephen colbert, and i am so happy to be joining you on this, my first fridays show ever. ( cheers and applause ) this is it. for the last 18 years, i've worked only the first four days of the week, and then i celebrated by going to "t.g.i. thursday's." where will i go now? so, i'm going to make this a casual friday. i'm wearing a slightly less dressy tie and no underwear... ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. you're very kind. that-- that i know of. it's been a great week, and i have to say i've been touched by the outpouring of support from other late night shows. jimmy fallon sent over a photo booth so the staff could all have fun souvenirs of our first day. thank you, jimmy. of course, nobody could use it because w

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much.ou, jon. >> yeah, baby, you got it. >> stephen: folks, as you can hear the excitement in this room, new york city is jumping right now. the world's leaders are all gathering over at the u.n., pope francis is on his way, and we have pizza rat. ( laughter ) if you're not familiar with pizza rat, you might want to check your wifi settings because yesterday the internet blew up over this video of a rat carrying a whole slice of pizza down the stairs of a subway station. americans from all walks of life were inspired at this rodent's struggle to lift his own weight in pizza. we've all been there. now, this video right here shocked the tourists and the sanitary, but for those of us who live in new york, it's really not that big of a deal. here, if a rat doesn't bring you a slice in 30 minutes or less, it's free. ( applause ) because in this city-- in this city, there's just so much urban wildlife and so much loose italian food laying around that you see this stuff all the time. in fact, just

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: yeah. you definitely picked the wrong day to advertise on my show "schwartzman's all natural- matzoh" then i talk with the archbishop thomas whenski, i'll ask if anyone has asked to build an ark yet. that is the heavenly beast of jon batiste and stay human, say hi, everybody. (cheers and applause) >> jon: hello, everybody. yes, indeed. >> stephen: but before we go on to the show, one more thing, facebook went down briefly today which means that for several minutes all across the country, something got done. (applause) tonight, i welcome jim gaffigan, maria shriver, andrew sullivan, archbishop thomas wenski. the ymca jerusalem youth chorus. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert!" (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks, everybody, thank you, jon batiste. thank you, joe. thank you, jon. thank you. folks, i am, i am excited, no, more than that, i am blessed that you are all here for our special pope show. we're going to pope it up. we

glad you're all here. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's warm. thank you. thank you very much. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, thank you so much. thank you so much. thank you so much for chanting that warm blanket of ego stroke. (laughter) >> stephen: welcome to the late show. please sit down, everybody, thanks so much. we have new seats. we paid a lot for them. welcome to the late show. i'm what future archaeologists will identify as the remains of stephen colbert. exciting night for cbs because right before this, all your cbs station was our season-opener of "thursday night football". let's go straight to hour four of our continuing coverage. (laughter) tonight kansas city chiefs versus the ten ver broncos, humans versus horses in ancient conflicts. hard to know who to root for if you are a centaur. now we taped this, my in-depth coverage of the post game analysis before the game happened. so let me just say something to one of the teams right now. you fellas

yeah. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's very pleasant. cheaper( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody. you folks out there, out there, in he were, a big reason why i've enjoyed the last week, it's a lot of work but also a lot of fun. how did it go for you guys? >> it was nice, man. we was on a vibe. >> stephen: wow, that's-- that's-- i gotta get on a vibe. >> yeah! >> stephen: can i get a prescription for a vibe. >> yeah, you gotta get-- it's different vibes, classical vibes, jazz vibes. >> stephen: what is this vibe? >> we on a good vibe. >> stephen: folks, that is one of the reasons i took the job is to work with these guys. but another reason-- honest to god. honest to god. the other-- another reason i took this job is to have the privilege to talk about the presidential campaign. ( cheers and applause ) you see-- it is, it's a privilege and an honor to sit up here every night and talk to you about it. 2016 is the fifth race i've been on the tv for. and from this position of experience, let me tell y

. >> stephen: i want to thank you not only for being here but

joe biden with stephen colbert after this. ♪ john: vice president biden's interview with stephen colbertnight was a perfect tv interview, not just because of the intensely personal topics they covered but because it felt real. even though we expect you have seen at least some parts of this by now, let's watch an unedited portion in which biden and stephen colbert discuss how they have dealt with loss and their families. vice president biden: my mom said as long as you are alive, you have an obligation to strive and you were not dead until you have seen the face of god. it really has been in me and my siblings, my mother, my grandfather, it is -- life is -- no one owes you anything. my dad says no one owes you anything. you just have to get up and i feel like i was letting down beau. i have letten down my parents, my family. stephen: how? vice president biden: you just have to get up. think about the people that go through horrible things and they get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. they do not have the support i have. i marvel at, at the ability of people to abso

thanks lessly. >> stephen colbert >>> we were just a few minutes away from the debut late show with stephenbert. a couple of quick fun questions about our city. >> he gave quite an answer. >> cheese whiz. >> with or without. >> got to be the answer to everything, right? >> whiz and onions and everything. >> come on. >> love it. >> you've been to our area to have one. >>> i've been to several. i don't know the name but i hit two big rivals. >> maybe jeep notice and pats. >> yes. i went to both. >> did you you didn't try jim'. >> no. i had geno's and pats on the same day. doctors say i'll eventually pa pass. >> he's a trip. he'd like to bring the showdown here through remote. >> come on down. >> come on down, man. >> it all gets started tonight. we'll be right back. ♪ >>> the big premier of stephen colbert and the late show is just seconds away. thank you so much for being with us tonight. for lesley, kate, i'm ukee washington. >> i'm jessica dean. we're always on for you at cbsphilly.com. here we go. the late show with stephen colbert. >> from our entire team, good night, family. sleep well.

. >> reporter: stephen colbert marking his day low debut. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> siem so -- i'm so excited to be here right now. >>> after 2.5 hour taping, the crowd left energized and many were newly minted stephen colbert converted. >> he's a singer and showman. i was so impressed. >> reporter: he started off the >> my first guest an oscar winning screen writer, director, and activist, please welcome mr. george clooney. george! >> reporter: hollywood heartthrob george clooney was his first guest with jeb bush taking the center stage, too. >> jeb! jeb! jeb! >> reporter: before posing for selfies and handing out donuts to people positioned outside on west 53rd street. >> it was a rock and roll show, comedy, and seriousness. >> reporter: and stephen colbert is finally showing his real side after a decade plying a right wing pundit on the colbert report. he takes over the late show 4 month after david letterman left. at the hello deli, rupert jee has dave's shirts outside, and colbert's sandwich is on the >> i'm sure he's going to succeed. >> reporter: he spent a

sit down, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!en, stephen stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i have to say, you may not even know this but that is very fitting that you are chanting my name because you are joining me for a very special episode of the late show with, i'm your very special host stephen colbert. and folk, pope francis is in america. can you feel it! can you feel it? (cheers and applause) there is-- there is certain electricity in the air and the nation's 70 million catholics have the kind of excitement we we usually don't have unless we asking forgiveness for it afterwards. (laughter) and tonight, and tonight our entire show is dedicated to pope francis's historic visit to the usa. it's an hour-long so it might be the shortest catholic service you'll ever sit through. (laughter) and-- (applause) >> yes, i did deed i remember those. >> stephen: with united facials also in town traffic sin tense in new york. to get here tonight i left home on december 19th. (laughter) >> stephen: but it was worth it, folks t is